[here today]

Yes, I know "hating" is bad. And it can hurt people and scare them.

And turning it toward yourself and disconnecting from it and intellectualizing and getting hypomanic about or idealizing something are ways to cope with it.

But still it's there. It's a feeling. And I'm going to claim that it's there in me because it has a function.

I hate my last T. She couldn't tolerate it. She diagnosed me with DDNOS and PDNOS and when the part of me that hates and plots revenge started becoming more conscious and integrated with the rest of me, she couldn't tolerate it.

The profession is insane. Doing the same thing over and over again and yet shying aware from people when they achieve a result that, at least theoretically, they should expect and be prepared for.

Too many of the practitioners are rejecting people.

Rejecting people who were rejected as little kids because they had certain feelings in them and we learned ways to keep them "out" so we could keep our families close. So then the feelings come back up in therapy -- and the therapists reject us again!!!!!

Now really, psychologists, do you want to say this is all OUR issue? That WE are reenacting things because of OUR issue?

Yeah, I can understand why you want to do that -- you don't want to face your OWN issues.

I hate my last T and I hate the psychotherapy profession that -- some part of me at least -- trusted or looked to to help me all these years. And if that's childlike -- well, dearies, I went to therapy with that condition and I wasn't fully, wholly adult enough to do differently.

I'm almost 70 and my last T DID help with trauma and dissociation which had prevented me from being wholly and fully myself much of my adult life.

And then rejected me, couldn't stand when I saw her snobbiness and the reality that she looked down on me and . . .stuff like that. Rupture without repair.

Insane.

I'm considering filing an ethical complaint for her lacking the competence to treat the PDNOS.

Yes, that is getting better -- because the trauma and dissociation was treated and I have a "safe" social environment to try to be myself here and in a meetup group that I lucked into.

But she was not safe. And it is not simply a matter of me not finding a "good fit". What I needed was someone who could tolerate hatred in another. Someone who is treating people with personality disorders should be prepared for some feelings of hatred and rage in the client, I think. And in my case I had very good, split-off control of those feelings. Therapists had told me years ago to get in touch with and feel those feelings and when they came up in unsocialized way, therapists couldn't handle it.

It's insane. I've been very hurt. My potential as a human adult has been very limited -- in part because of my childhood but also because the "helpers" hurt me again and in new ways.

And still, the profession does nothing. It doesn't "see" it. It's in denial. It protects its image of itself.

It's narcissistic and oppressive.

And all I do is write here, and possibly file a complaint. Even if it is dismissed it is something that my "vengefulness" keeps encouraging. All if me is not decided for sure. But. . .I don't think people would have hate if it didn't serve a purpose sometime.

That's not my experince. My hate is allowed.

[magicalprince]

I find that usually there are two ways to share a feeling:

1) One way which comes with an expectation that others will react a certain way to the sharing or somehow "make it better" for us.

2) And another way of sharing which takes full personal responsibility for the feeling, not expecting others to change or fix or help the feeling go away, but also wanting to express that you are experiencing it and hopefully receive an empathetic response.

For example, I could say to a T:

1) I hate you. I just know that you're going to leave me just like all the other T's leave me.

or 2) I'm struggling with anger against the T's in my past who have rejected my feelings and left me. I get afraid that this might always happen to me.

In option 2) it does not pressure the T or anyone else to take responsibility for this feeling, so there is less likelihood that it will be rejected.

I don't know if this helps but, maybe you could try to rephrase your feelings in such a way?

[here today]

No, my hate was a "separate" part of me -- that's the dissociation part. As part of the therapy for DDNOS I worked on trying to allow it to "be" but having it included "in" me is something that I tried to express, maybe for the first time, in the OP.

ETA: My last therapist and I had a rupture without repair.

[here today]

Originally Posted by _Mouse

That's not my experince. My hate is allowed.

Well, goody-two-shoes for you.

My experience of your post is that it's invalidating. Perhaps you have a point that you would like to elaborate on?

[precaryous]

I can relate and empathize with you, here today-

We are clients/patient with issues from abuse, or maybe we were born wired a little bit differently. Maybe we feel socially awkward or socially rejected. We have our many issues. We seek out a therapist for help.

We aren't trained in "boundaries," or "ethics." We can't be expected to already know the ins and outs of communicating in therapy. We may come to therapy not understanding "mad" "sad" "glad" and "afraid." Many of us even have difficulty finding the words to explain our feelings. I doubt I was even able to pinpoint my own "issues" when I first started therapy

So, we are encouraged to share with the therapist why we are there...share our feelings. If anger, bitterness and distrust come out some of us are terminated. If attachment and positive feelings toward the therapist comes out some of us are terminated. That may be why we entered therapy...we are feeling angry or needy! We didn't major in psychology. My expectation is that therapists are the ones trained to handle and untangle our feelings.

There have been a few occasions when I have been encouraged to share my feelings...only to find myself bewildered when I am terminated. Wth?

[magicalprince]

Originally Posted by here today

No, my hate was a "separate" part of me -- that's the dissociation part. As part of the therapy for DDNOS I worked on trying to allow it to "be" but having it included "in" me is something that I tried to express, maybe for the first time, in the OP.

ETA: My last therapist and I had a rupture without repair.

Ah, that's frustrating. I have worried about being rejected for what is contained in parts as well. It makes it difficult to share because of the fear that T's won't understand that it is just a split off feeling that has never been validated and doesn't necessarily pose a risk but really needs to be heard.

Maybe you could see a T with a specialization in dissociation? Then maybe they would know how to work with parts.

I've heard that therapists have to have their own stuff dealt with to deal with the various parts of patients with dissociative disorders. It's sad that your therapist couldn't accept a part of you, when your goal is to have someone model acceptance so you can do the same. I agree with the last poster who suggested you see someone who specializes in dissociative disorders. Keep posting.

[here today]

That's the awful thing -- she WAS a specialist in dissociative disorders. But she still couldn't deal with actions/feeling of one of my parts. I think it's the personality disorder part -- she had described me as "narcissistically wounded and fragmented" when we started the therapy. She was OK with the fragmentation but not the woundedness. When that part started to dislike the T -- I guess she found it frightening and got triggered. I was willing to try to work through that -- but my T never found a way to deal with herself and whatever got triggered. When she got triggered, she was shaming toward me -- the rageful, angry me that I could dissociate from and/or turn toward myself. So I definitely already had a way to "behave myself" in the presence of a blaming, snobby, female who I was looking to for some help. It was a re-enactment but it was the T's stuff as much or more than mine.

She eventually recognized it and sent me the name of a replacement therapist. But I'm not interested at this point. As others have pointed out, you CAN get over bad therapy through other means than more therapy, and I'm trying that for a while.

Including considering filing a complaint. That feels "bad". It includes the vindictive part of me that I CAN turn off and usually almost always did, at least consciously. But is that something that needs to be turned off always? I'm not so sure and that's what got me in trouble with over-controlled emotions in the first place.

Any reactions anybody? I'm old but just starting out with this, making up my own mind. I would like to know what some others think, or if everybody is blaming and condemning toward me like my last T, other T's, and women in my FOO. Also it may be my area of the country and culture, southeastern USA.

[Wonderfalls]

I think to file a complaint you need to be very specific about her unethical or unprofessional behavior and of course its specific deleterious effect on you. Of course the fact that she referred you out says she realizes she wasn't being effective with you. I don't know how ineffective a therapist would have to be shown to be in order to violate a patient's rights. (Also of course not trying to say you don't have specific examples.)

[kecanoe]

My diagnosis is DID and Mixed personality disorder, so similar but not the same as yours. T1 has no clue about dissociative disorders but he is kind and patient and consistent when I hate him. He just sits there and takes it and is there for my next appointment, and will even do an extra session if I ask. If he can stick it out, it seems like other ts could do that as well. I have not felt safe enough with T2 or T3 to let them see the hateful part. I may never, as they are women while T1 is a man. I have the core belief that men are to be trusted and women aren't.

Have you considered EMDR, SE or Brain spotting? They allow the hateful parts to be treated while limiting their expression.

I am sorry your t could not handle the anger. That seems like a basic skill that all ts should have.

[here today]

Many thanks for the suggestions. I did not know those techniques could do that.

[BudFox]

Originally Posted by here today

Too many of the practitioners are rejecting people.

Rupture without repair.

And still, the profession does nothing. It doesn't "see" it. It's in denial. It protects its image of itself.

It's narcissistic and oppressive.

I think the above points are all critically important. All were part of my experience also.

You are right, they reject people in in myriad ways, some subtle and pernicious. It's insane and dangerous. Some of them do not seem to understand anything about client vulnerability and the symbolic power of what happens in the room. Perhaps they have so many clients that each one becomes a sort of object. All the games they play with email response/no response, or punitive boundaries, or other covert shaming. And the seeming ease with which some of them offload a client, the ultimate rejection.

Rupture without repair, yea that is a big one. Therapists who don't get this one should go get another job.

You strike me as level headed and wise and could probably teach them a few things.

[BudFox]

Originally Posted by here today

When that part started to dislike the T -- I guess she found it frightening and got triggered. I was willing to try to work through that -- but my T never found a way to deal with herself and whatever got triggered. When she got triggered, she was shaming toward me

I find this to be a massive betrayal. You show up, you take a risk in trusting a stranger, you express yourself as encouraged. Then the T freaks out, can't cope, throws you overboard. Then shames you. If a T can't stay present and keep their ego or wounds under control, then you were never safe to begin with, even though all the promises were probably to the contrary. So now your needs are competing with hers. And if the rupture is not repaired and the whole thing goes up in a fireball because she couldn't cope, whose therapy was it? All of this happened to me too.

[SilentMelodee]

I am not sure what PDNOS is, but I'm very sorry for your experience. I have felt very similar to that at times within my therapy. It is very difficult when old feelings of abandonment and rejection appear in therapy, with a person you are completely vulnerable with. Do what your heart tells you to do. I am very sorry for your situation. HUGS!

~El

[here today]

Yes, I recognized that even though our situations and issues were very different.

That kind of similarity, in the midst of differences in the specifics, cries out to me for somebody to look into what is going wrong. The persons you would expect to be doing that are research psychologists. But they don't have a clue, I guess, because the therapists are all focused on the microcosm of their individual practice.

And, of course, our stories don't count because we were the clients! How could we know anything? We were/are wacky. Even though we are presumed to be perfectly, legally competent when it comes to choosing a therapist and understanding the risks from the therapist's informed consent form. That practice may be legal but it's not sane. And it's very, very hurtful.