[retro_chic]

What is the point in going to therapy if you're not sure you even want to change?

Last session I tried to keep up the momentum from my previous session (which went really well) and I talk to my T about my issues with romantic relationships. I am nearly 25 and the longest relationship I've had is 2 months and it was stressful to say the least. I have a huge fear of abandonment, rejection, commitment, intimacy... well you get the idea! The thing is, I'm not sure I even want a relationship. I'm not sure if it is just something I think I should want because that is what is considered "normal" (my mother seems to think I am abnormal) or if I actually do want a relationship but I am just too scared. I just can't figure out which one it is. I also don't really know what I want in a partner and how I'm supposed to find that out. It all just seems to scary and overwhelming and I don't want to deal with it. If I don't want to deal with it though, what is the point in going to therapy? I worry I am just wasting my T's time and I all the time and effort I have put in was also a waste.

I also got quite overwhelmed just talking about this stuff with T and I got "blocked" again. I just kept thinking about how fat and disgusting I think I look and that no one would want to date me anyway. This then brought my attention to something I had been doing a good job at ignoring which is self loathing. I felt really sad about it but struggled to share this with T. I eventually did but I felt too embarrassed to go into as much detail as I should have. It was quite a contrast to my previous session and I just feel so disappointed in myself.

[ScarletPimpernel]

I'm the same, but not with romantic relationships. My problem is friendships. I just don't understand them. I know I want/need friends, but I'm not ready to put in effort yet to try. Part of it is socializing which scares me. The other part is boundaries, candidness, balancing, etc.

But therapy still helps. I work on the other issues (like abandonment, self-esteem, bettering myself, etc.) which will help me one day be a better friend.

So maybe working on yourself will not only help you now, but also later on down the road if/when you want a relationship.

[Sarmas]

Originally Posted by retro_chic

What is the point in going to therapy if you're not sure you even want to change?

Last session I tried to keep up the momentum from my previous session (which went really well) and I talk to my T about my issues with romantic relationships. I am nearly 25 and the longest relationship I've had is 2 months and it was stressful to say the least. I have a huge fear of abandonment, rejection, commitment, intimacy... well you get the idea! The thing is, I'm not sure I even want a relationship. I'm not sure if it is just something I think I should want because that is what is considered "normal" (my mother seems to think I am abnormal) or if I actually do want a relationship but I am just too scared. I just can't figure out which one it is. I also don't really know what I want in a partner and how I'm supposed to find that out. It all just seems to scary and overwhelming and I don't want to deal with it. If I don't want to deal with it though, what is the point in going to therapy? I worry I am just wasting my T's time and I all the time and effort I have put in was also a waste.

I also got quite overwhelmed just talking about this stuff with T and I got "blocked" again. I just kept thinking about how fat and disgusting I think I look and that no one would want to date me anyway. This then brought my attention to something I had been doing a good job at ignoring which is self loathing. I felt really sad about it but struggled to share this with T. I eventually did but I felt too embarrassed to go into as much detail as I should have. It was quite a contrast to my previous session and I just feel so disappointed in myself.

I think the fact that you're still going to therapy and facing your issues is great. I think every therapy session is different where some we get more into detail than others. Nevertheless it's still progress and just being there shows effort and determination on your part. I know working out my issues was like being in a roller coaster. It's full of ups and downs. The fact that you're still along for the ride and working on it is nothing to be disappointed about.

[retro_chic]

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

I'm the same, but not with romantic relationships. My problem is friendships. I just don't understand them. I know I want/need friends, but I'm not ready to put in effort yet to try. Part of it is socializing which scares me. The other part is boundaries, candidness, balancing, etc.

But therapy still helps. I work on the other issues (like abandonment, self-esteem, bettering myself, etc.) which will help me one day be a better friend.

So maybe working on yourself will not only help you now, but also later on down the road if/when you want a relationship.

Yeah, my plan has always been to work on myself in the hopes that it will help me function better in relationships when I'm ready for one. The thing is I'm not sure if I'll ever be ready. I guess I'm just having one of those "everything is hopeless, I should just give up" moments.

[retro_chic]

Originally Posted by Sarmas

I think the fact that you're still going to therapy and facing your issues is great. I think every therapy session is different where some we get more into detail than others. Nevertheless it's still progress and just being there shows effort and determination on your part. I know working out my issues was like being in a roller coaster. It's full of ups and downs. The fact that you're still along for the ride and working on it is nothing to be disappointed about.

Thank you. I am trying to "go with the flow" more and not get too hung up on sessions that go as well as I had hoped but it is hard sometimes.

[Submax]

Retro- Would it surprise you to know you can be married 22 years and have issues with commitment,intimacy and closeness ? My wife and I are a living example. Yes,society attempts to tell us what is supposed to be normal. The only thing I learned in my three weeks of sex therapy is their is no such thing as normal according to the therapist. Let me put something else out there for you if I may. Ok your 25 years old,had one limited relationship. What if a couple years from now you find your perfect match in every way and you are happily married for the rest of your life. Would it really matter how many relationships you had prior ? No it wouldn't and it wouldn't matter to the person you're with either. All you can do is work on what you can,be a kind person and embrace your self worth. Don't be so hard on your self.

[Luce]

Originally Posted by retro_chic

What is the point in going to therapy if you're not sure you even want to change?

Last session I tried to keep up the momentum from my previous session (which went really well) and I talk to my T about my issues with romantic relationships. I am nearly 25 and the longest relationship I've had is 2 months and it was stressful to say the least. I have a huge fear of abandonment, rejection, commitment, intimacy... well you get the idea! The thing is, I'm not sure I even want a relationship. I'm not sure if it is just something I think I should want because that is what is considered "normal" (my mother seems to think I am abnormal) or if I actually do want a relationship but I am just too scared. I just can't figure out which one it is. I also don't really know what I want in a partner and how I'm supposed to find that out. It all just seems to scary and overwhelming and I don't want to deal with it. If I don't want to deal with it though, what is the point in going to therapy? I worry I am just wasting my T's time and I all the time and effort I have put in was also a waste.

I also got quite overwhelmed just talking about this stuff with T and I got "blocked" again. I just kept thinking about how fat and disgusting I think I look and that no one would want to date me anyway. This then brought my attention to something I had been doing a good job at ignoring which is self loathing. I felt really sad about it but struggled to share this with T. I eventually did but I felt too embarrassed to go into as much detail as I should have. It was quite a contrast to my previous session and I just feel so disappointed in myself.

My first thought it that 'wanting to change' isn't the one and only point of going to therapy. There are a zillion other possible 'points' of going to therapy, and from the rest of your post I wonder if figuring out what YOU want (as opposed to what your mother or what society wants) might possibly be one of the perfectly valid points of therapy for you.

[CharlieStarDust]

Yeah, I can relate. I always see it as wanting something I don't want (a "normal" life). And I too, struggle with thoughts of, 'do I even want to change and for what purpose?' I think part of going to therapy is to inadvertently get more comfortable with who you are and your place in the world.

I hurt so much that I needed to change. I thirst for it.
It really wasnt just about change. It was more a wanting to discover.
I wasn't in a place, never had been where the option of doing nothing was
A choice. I was dying, by my own hands. I've a strong survival instinct.