Can't

What if you wrote a letter and outlined specifically what was helpful about the previous T's work with you, and what's not helpful about the way you are currently being treated (I'm thinking of the sarcasm, no contact with prev T, and other harshness)? I agree that they have to go by your physical safety above other things, but there were obviously some things the good T was getting right, and there are things the program T is getting wrong.

It can be nigh impossible to hold your head up when you feel awful, but maybe it would be somewhat possible in writing? You could let them know that their labeling of you is creating psychological distress and more urges to self harm, so if they could stick to symptoms and not labels when talking to you, perhaps that would be helpful...?

I don't think I realized until after, but I told good therspist when I talked to her one last time and she's going to talkto her for me

Actually good therapist offered to tell thrm this, but it still sermz fake and weird that even if they agreed to it, it's all just fake and trying to act in a way thst isn't natural for them.

I do like my group therappsts, I just have some problems with my individual and huge ones with my pdoc. Even the fact that he went into my file after meeting me once and changed my dx to pure BPD completely affects my treatment in the ER and my inpatient treatment. It's like they can't see beyond the cutting to see that it's more than self-harm, and maybe if I'm leaning so close to suicide it's not straight/typical BPD.

I've gotten way worse since I switched teams, with the SH but also with depression. On top of that0, my minister is gone too and I keep thinking how horribly I miss her. Both of mybiggest supports are gone from me now and I am in trouble and having trouble finding a way to keep going.

Can you find another minister in your area to reach out to? It's not the same but that person could act as an advocate

We are getting another one in a few months, but even the old one was support. Not really advocacy.

I still don't know how to deal with this. My stomach is all twisted up inside and I feel like I'm being knifed in the chest. I'm so tired of being hurt. This is the first week of therapy since I went on vacation (I've seen her once since that awful session) and I don't know how to move past this. I can't see anything taking away the hurt unless I could go back in time. I'm still crying about it when I think about going to therapy. I feel so lied to and I don't know how that could ever be okay. I was already struggling so badly from my treatment in the ER that the last thing I could handle was being hurt like this out of nowhere. Why would she tell me it's therapeutic to hurt me like this? And I was always told I could probably return to the good therapist after 6 months and no cutting and now she says they will have to decide where I'm better off... i bet I don't get an opinion.

I can't handle this. It feels like too much and I have absolutely nowhere to go and nobody to turn to now that I'm forbidden by the BPD program of talking to the good therapist. Everyone is gone or untrustworthy. I can't handle this alone and I can't even go to the ER if things get really bad. I've never felt so completely alone or damaged.

All I want is to go back to where it felt safe. I've gone a month without self harming at all, which is amazing at this point, and honestly because I'' at the point where if it happens again I'll probably do some very serious permanent damage, but also because I wanted to be allowed to go back like they told me. i trusted my therapist there, i felt safe and cared about and listened to, and after the past 2 years of hell after I was damaged so badly by that horrible therapist of 5 years, I just feel like I deserve to feel that. We made a lot of progress, but the cutting got scary. However, this environment has made it worse. The thing with the awful therapist of 5 years triggered my relapse becoming SO SEVERE, and for some reason they seem to think that acting like this in a specialist clinic of people with abandonment issues.

I don't know how to be strong enough to get through this. I'm afraid she will refuse to discuss it again. She already told me she would only explain one more time how they decided this. I went to see the good therapist (I knew it was the only way I could stop obsessing so badly) and she said she'd tAlk to her, but it can't be undone and it was such a harsh thing to do, said in a cold and harsh tone, and followed up by a sarcastic comment about something else. Where do I go from here? How do I keep going to a partial hosp style program where I feel so betrayed and and deceived and just feels punitive? On top of that I feel abandoned again. I have absolutely nobody. It hurts so much and my anxiety is so overwhelming that I can't handle it even after the vacation. I have processing group tomorrow and because I asked one of the leaders for advice after the group last time and she was in a hurry to get to a meeting and couldn't talk then, I have to talk about it in tomorrow's group. It's only a group of 4 people and 2 therapists but I can't see anyone understanding this excrpt maybe the therapists.

This may be a dumb question but if you can't see good t for a while, is there any way to switch away from this current t who seems so harsh? Is there anyone in the program who will hear you out? Even if good t is months away, this current t Does not sound right for you. If you can build a relationship with your new minister I hope that you can. You need allies. Have you tried a national mental health organization for help and advocacy?

Canadian Alliance on Mental Illness and Mental Health | Need Support

Thanks. I'll look into it but this is a public hospital and they rarely step in, plus I would have a really hard time dealing with the shame and paranoia if I did. Feeling like nobody liked me for complaining. I don't think they are going to let me go back to the good T for 2 years now, if ever, based on what they were saying. I am court mandated to be there for 6 months up to 2 years, to be reviewed every 6 months . I was kind of led to believe if I could stop cutting for a few months they woumd lift this after 6 months, but that has turned into "if I still need serious help," court left this based onntge opinions of my T and pdoc. She is also the clinical director. I like one of the group therapists, maybe I could ask her for advice. The good T told me that when I was semt to this program she asked them a bunch of times to put me with this specific T because she was the nicest and most gentle one in the program, and I liked her up until that day, but I don't understand how tbey can think this is okay?? How can a kind, empathetic person think it's okay to forbid me from seeing someone who offered me caring support when I've had so little of it in my life, and when I am so terrified of abandonment, say it harshly "you will NOT speak to Dr. R." Then follow it up 2 seconds later by "you will NOT call this dept 17 times in a row, there is nothing important enough for you to call between appointments," because my pdoc cut my 2 mg clonazepam and 2 mg ativan cold turkey. I don't get it. She keeps saying I'm frAgile and I'm a china doll, how could she not know how much this would hurt me? I mean at least explain it kindly and in more depth than "it's not therapeutic,"in a harsh tone and then that snarky comment?

Am I overreacting ? I do get hurt very easily. I just cAn't wrap my head around how anyone could NOT find this hurtful. I don't even know how to bring it up to her on Tuesday because she said she won't talk about it agsin because it would be feeding my circular thibking and obsessions. But I don't see how I can move on when I feel abandoned by the good therapist and lied to by this one. It hurts too much to just pretend it didn't hapoen.

You aren't getting the care that you need is the bottom line. I am really hoping you can get someone on your side. This new t seems stylistically wrong for you. Please keep posting.

I just want to make a clarification. While it IS a loss, the "good" T did NOT abandon you. The control was taken out of her hands. Your SI escalated while with her, so they don't think she was helping you a lot or at least enough. But this is not another abandonment. She is still there with you in thought. And hopefully one day, when you make more progress, you can go back to her again.

Pink, I had asked this previously and I'm not sure you ever quite addressed it, and I noticed in a recent post you mention this idea of stopping the cutting again as being a sign to them that they might be able to work with you differently. I do think the severity of your self harming is driving all of their decisions about your care right now; if so, do you have the ability to improve that behavior so you can receive different type of care?

Great job! That shows that you can control the urges. Keep going. Whatever got you through this month, keep using it to get you through the next month, and then the next month. And soon, you'll get out of there. In the meantime, try to learn all you can from this program. You may not like the people, but maybe it will help you. Use their support while you got it (doesn't seem like you have much of a choice right now anyways).

^^^ Pink, somewhere I missed what SP just reposted. That is a very positive sign. I hope you can continue to work through your stresses and keep yourself safe, one day at a time.

want to say good job on the 1 month of no self harm. that is a huge step for you. i think the best route that is possible right now is to continue to not self harm. it seems, like lolagrace said, the severity and frequency of your self harm is what is leading them all to be like this. also, you said your T said you are like a china doll. i am wondering if she is trying to 'break' you and 'rebuild' you back up. i dont agree with this method at all, by the way. it just seems like shes throwing all this in your face to see how you manage it

Thank you!

Thanks for the reminder. I don't actually see my transfer to this program as abandobmrnt, but rather her promise up until last time I talked to her and reassurance that she "wouldn't disappear" and I could knock anytime (it hasn't been many times but I felt safe knowing i *could*), being suddenly revoked by them as "not therapeutic." It retroactively changes all those reassurances that she wasn't leaving and I could always knock, into lies.

When I left that program and went to the BPD program, things got even worse even faster. I have a lot of trouble dealing with certain styles of therapy and that's what happened. I feel like I'' alone which doesn't help but maybe it also just naturally got worse. I think they might keep me there for the max they can, which is 2 yrs, because my SH has gotten so bad in the BPD program. I was doing so much better with her and my old pdoc, even if it waa bad there too. My new pdoc is awful too. His latest is to threaten me into getting better by saying he will cut everythinh but my antideoressant and neurontin (does nothing) cold turkey.

I can force my way through 6 months but I get the strong feelingvthet are goibg to renew the court mandate after the 6 months areup. There's not much point in fighting it because the judges rule almost always on the side of the hospital. In the meantime, I feel like I have nobody to talk to and LESS support, and it scares me.

I have a very hard time with finding "right" therapists because a lot of people with BPD need someone a bit more firm because they cross boundaries and such. But it's hard because I'm the exact opposite. I feel shame so deeply and easily that even being told once will trigger such bad guilt and shame that I woukd never even consider doing it again and it's hard not to constantly activate that. I do the best with people who are more gentle, and this one is too harsh and I get lost and hurt and distracted by that and never talk about the deeper things. It's happening now. I progress much faster when someone is softer because I'm very easily ashamed and embarassed. I think that''s one thing I don't get. "Good" therapist was gentle and never would havd used sarcasmmor a harsh tone to say something already harsh. Not just because it hurts me but becAuse it leads to getting caught up in something like this Nd ww never progress as quickly or well because I automaticAlly close up more because the trust is gone or doesn't decelop, I take on extra blame and shame, and all I can think about is how hurt I am. I think she thinks I called "good" therapist twice from the hospital instead of her, and that's why it's taking me a long time to open up (because I have someone else), but the truth is I called her because she knows my history, she promised it was okay, and I was scared and needed somebody kind. The fact that it's taking me a long timevto opem up to her isnt because I can just go to the previous therapist, it's my personality. Eveb with the good therapist it took me months to develop trust and if she had been like this I'' not sure I ever would have. She is in fact so wrong that the fact that I was still allowed to talk to Dr.R was one of the things making me trust her and push myself to open up. The walls were coming down hut I feel too hurt and they've slanmed up again (automTically), I feel myself retreating. But I'mnleft with nobody to oprn yp to and it's very very hard, and I know if I don't talk about it ir find some way to "get" how they wenr back on their lromise abd called it therapeeutic, I don't know how to move on because I feel deceived and to me that's so important. The not talking about sonething hurting me so badly feels awful too. My anxiety is out of hand and I can't deal with someone thatvharsh withoit my old therapist to try to help ke through it for 2 yrs if they go that route. I have literally nobody. So much bad stuff has happened bur I can't get psst this enough to open up. Changing a promise to result in a surprise abandonment is about ghe most damaging thing she could have done if her goal was to fotm a better relationship. It's done the opposite. My self harm has gotten wirse up until a month ago. I wish I coumd say I stopped dor a month because I care about my saferty but a big psrt is that I know I will progress once faster once i''m alliwed to go back to my old team. If they decide to extend this with plans to keep me for the full 2 years I'' afraid I won't get better. I work well with asoft, understanding teAm. This kind of tgerapy makes me want to harm myself worse. So if she thinks restructing who I takk to in order to strengthen "our" therspeutic rekstionship she is 180 degrees wrong. It dies the opposite. It makes me pull away and it hurts me in the exact same way i've been hurt my whole life.

Thank you, it's the first time inna long time.

ThAt thought has crossed my mind too and it scares me because I ddon't tbjnk I cab be rebuilt if im broken badly.

yea, i dont agree with treating people this way. it was a method used on me in a troubled teen place. it was equivalent to psychological torture and brainwashing

What an awful situation. Two things that stand out to me are that it might be helpful to stop seeing the insistence that you stop talking to Good t as abandonment. In my mind, abandonment would be if Good T suddenly said that she had decided to stop seeing you rather than the new program saying that you couldn't talk to her. It is definitely a loss, with grief and anxiety. But maybe not abandonment? At least not voluntary on her part.
And, it doesn't seem like you have any option at this point other than to play by their rules. I know there is no guarantee that you will be released in 6 months if you cooperate, but I would be surprised if they let you out in 6 months if they don't see any improvement. I was in an IP trauma program a while back and the people that got out of there the fastest were the ones who did the work that the staff recommended. I didn't agree with everything they said/did/required but went along with the program and took the stuff that they offered that was good. And there was some good stuff offered there.
I hate that you feel so panicked. I know that it is just awful. Please get all the support you can from here or wherever and stay safe.

I have been where you are. I have never self harmed but everything you are talking about I have had - all the T hospital stays attention seeking shame embarrassment. Loving one therapist [good] and hating [bad]. It is a good/bad, all or nothing, black and white thinking. You are now faced at trying and I know it is hard to find some really small good things about your new therapist do you can see things in the gray. The good therapist has no bad qualities- no one is all good. I think part of their technique is using good T like a prize. If you are good and stop self harming and find new coping skills you get the prize. I think from what I have read over the months they are running out of options with you. They are trying to save your life. You are court ordered. That is extreme in today's treatment philosophy. Know they care or they would have just dropped you like a bad apple. You are not a child they have no legal reasons to help you. They care can u see this?

How are you doing Pink?