Crying Got Me Psych Referral

But I don't think I am thinking falsely. Love is supposed to care about you. If your loved one is needing love and caring from you in a well expressed, realistic way that is vital to them because they were abused and overly sensitive, wouldn't you give them that love and compassion?

I know the things my mother says to me like "You were born a *****" are well...you know, I take that for what it's worth.

Right, but you don't seem to be getting that love and compassion from your husband. Or the exes that you mentioned.

The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life.....after a 31 year abusive "marriage." Feelings are not right or wrong, they simply ARE,and need to be validated; especially by a professional. Unfortunately some t's are not trained in abuse.

Healthy people don't behave in ways that make other people jump out of moving cars to get away from them. I find this CBT T to be rather disturbing too. I don't think the problem is you.

That's true. I am traumatized and aching for a feeling that I can't get. I can accept that. But I can't stand to live with the offender. I wish i could stop flip flopping on stay or go. Maybe this t will help me figure out how to stay or go.

I read it. As a result I stopped saying verbally abusive things to him. He doesn't really say verbally abusive things to me, he neglects. My verbal jabs were said in response to the neglect. I stopped that. But I still can't stop the crying, anxiety, body aches, etc...

I started to tell about him, but it's so bad I backed off.

I'm scared of the t, too. I'm scared of all of them because it feels like they can label me with something that is going to devastate me, they don't really understand me, they try this drug or that drug and I am terrified of the bad side effects.

Also, I see so many people having these transference issues and that is the LAST thing I need.

You sound like you are in a great deal of emotional pain, and all sorts of things in you are being traumatically triggered, and for that I am sorry. ((((((hugs))))) Although some posters on here advise you to seek a divorce that is a huge life changing decision. Only you can decide. Regarding marital conflicts I make it a point to not offer advice, only support. I actually don't hear in your words that you want divorce right now. The only time you mentioned it as a possibility was in the distant future when you last child was older. I think right now you are maybe trying to make the best of a bad situation because a future as someone divorced is unknown and frightening. Many many people are in your situation. I have a friend in a similar situation. I can't offer her any advice and I don't even try, I just try to be a good friend, and even when she is confused I try to understand. It is painful for her that she does not get her basic emotional needs met, but she truly does not seem to want to divorce at this time. I respect that, and I respect that my friend sometimes presents as very confused and conflicted.

I think the reason a professional might say that posting here is dangerous it is because getting so many different views can be confusing. Your situation may trigger others who have been through something traumatic. But they are being triggered by their own experience, and it is not your experience. That is just how I see it.

I feel triggered a little bit by this thread because of some (but not all) things posted that are a little bit similar to experiences I have had in the past. However, today I also feel very calm and centered. I feel fully in the present. I am not thinking about my past today. I have my own set of present-life problems, and they are not similar to those described on this thread. I am only responding because I think you need to know your story is being heard. And to me that is a very legitimate need, and something that Psych Central members do very well. Psych Central peeps are good listeners.

I suppose there is a time to dig through the past to see how we developed mal-adaptive coping mechanisms etc. It would make sense that would be best done in individual therapy. I also don't think it is uncommon for people to be in couples therapy while also having individual therapists. I experienced this in my past. It is all just more professional help.

I hope you get clarity on your issues. My sense is that you want to stay in your marriage but have it improve, and that is your biggest frustration. You also want to be heard. You want your thoughts and emotions to be validated. These are healthy needs. Hang on to them no matter what you decide to do.

When life is less than perfect and I feel stressed --- what I work on the most is getting balanced in the moment. I just take it one hour at a time, if need be. Even though I do not have a MI diagnosis, I suffer from anxiety and depression. I was evaluated by a psychiatrist a few months ago (at my request) and he recommended no diagnosis and no medication. He did recommend improving coping skills, and breaking through social isolating, but he felt I was capable of doing these on my own, or with some counseling. I am presently working with a DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) workbook...actually the original workbook with worksheets that Dr. Marsha Linehan developed and created. I am presently not in therapy or a DBT group. The exercises in the workbook have helped me. I am also doing a holistic healing path. That's all for now. Take care.

I just wanted to say: you ask, if you love someone, or vice versa, dont you then do whatever to make the other person happy? Well, couldnt your husband ask the same thing, and say why dont you just be happy with the way he is?

Im not saying you are wrong, im just saying, its not a good test of love; its not a good question; it doesnt take into consideration the other persons feelings at all.

Your h is not just someone who brings you stuff that you order from lifes menu. I have been the unloved wife. We do have to take responsibility for our own satisfaction in life.

I am really happy you are using CBT. It helps, doesn't it? I used CBT workbooks and then went on to add a DBT workbook. DBT is still a form of cognitive therapy but with added mindfulness practices that really help one to keep calm in difficult times. Hope you are doing okay today.

I think that whether or not you are in an abusive relationship, it is not easy to end a marriage. I think find a sympathetic therapist just for you. Then you can go thru your options with your therapist. Some people need to be "coached" so to speak, on leaving a relationship. The therapist can help you.

I wonder if your couples therapist is suggesting that you see one on your own because he/she can s the how much distress you are in and knows that with H in the room and the focus on your relationship, you will not get needed relief in the near future. Perhaps an individual t can help you understand your past and how it affects your future. Having to delve into painful part of your past and talking about hard stuff can be difficult if there is someone in the room that you need to be guarded with.

H and I have done couples counseling, and both are still doing individual therapy. There are just some things that are easier and more time effective to do with our own ts. I can see how you are hurting, and hope you give individual t a chance. That way you can say stuff without having to listen to your h try to make it all your fault.

I have an individual T and also am in marriage counseling (husband does not see his own T though). I agree that an individual T can be very helpful and serves a different purpose than a couples counselor. The couples counselor is trying to help the relationship between two people rather than one person individually. (Which is something that I admit I struggle with at times in my own marriage counseling, but that's a whole other story involving transference.) If you see an individual therapist, they're just there for you, to hear *your* thoughts and concerns and issues, and to help *you*.

Please note, too, that the counselor recommending individual therapy to you doesn't mean that you're the problem in the marriage--just that you could benefit from counseling, because you are clearly in distress.

I would try seeing a different couple's counselor

I do think a possible interpretation is that the couple's counselor was out of his league and was trying to direct OP to individual therapy as a way of helping.
OP - did you pick the couple's therapist or how did you get to that particular one? Could you try a different one?

TishaBuv, I know you left the marital home recently. How is that working out? Has living separately helped? Perhaps that might be an interim solution. To continue living apart while you both work on your issues in therapy. Being in a different house and thinking about other things, including developing new interests could help lessen the stress. I don't mean find a new lover or travel the world or start a huge project, I just mean spend a little more time without him, focusing on you.

I am living back with h and son. The new t said he thought it would be best for trying to repair the marriage.

I've slept on the coach the past few nights. The struggle in the bedroom is not really improving, but there's no fight. I just remove myself to try to relieve that tight anxious feeling in my chest.

Today we went to a museum with our son. Our life is very calm and friendly by the light of day, outside the bedroom.

I have an appt with the new t just for me on Tuesday. And we'll keep seeing the other t later this week.

Someone here asked how we found this t. He is on our insurance plan. We didn't know he was CBT until we saw him. Figured it was worth a try. H and I are both reading Feeling Good.

I've heard that Feeling Good is a good book. I hope that it helps both of you and your relationship. And I glad that you have an appointment with an individual t. I hope that helps as well. One friend of mine (now divorced) said that she felt like she had to go the extra mile before leaving her husband so that she would know that she had done all she could to preserve the marriage. That has been a good thing for her.

I used Feeling Good with friends and found it really useful. I would say it improved my daily quality of life, reduced my worrying and obsessing, helped me not spiral into catastrophic thinking. I'm grateful for that book!

I would also say it does not deal with deep-seated issues and that I've benefited more from individual therapy, by far. It's not a contest, though... all kinds of different modalities help different people. Good luck, Tisha!