[ScarletPimpernel]

My T just told me that she talked to my Pdoc and my Pdoc is leaving at the end of the year. I just saw my Pdoc a week or so ago and she didn't tell me anything! She told my T that she (my T) could tell me or that she would tell me at our next appt (not until the Nov 11th). I had my T tell me.

I'm so freaking depressed. I was already dealing with SUI thoughts this week. My Pdoc's leaving in 2 months and my T is leaving in 6 months. I want to die!

One thing you have learned this year is that it is possible to find another competent and effective therapist. At one point you thought that could never happen, but you know differently now. It will be the same with the pdoc.

I'm sorry you are hurting. Change is difficult, but you are resilient and capable and will get through and beyond this. It feels awful now though. Again, so sorry you are hurting.

[unaluna]

Maybe pc is your psych constant

[growlycat]

I'm sorry that you have to go through this again Scarlet

[ScarletPimpernel]

Actually, lolagrace and unaluna, you're both right. And that's the good news out of it. My primary doctor is also a Pdoc. Just a few months ago, she stopped being part-time primary/Pdoc and went full-time Pdoc. At our next appt, we're supposed to talk about who to see as my primary (I was one of the few clients who remained with her for primary). According to my T, my new Pdoc will be my old primary doctor (I hope that makes sense!) I'll be one of the few that get transferred to her. So I already know and like my new Pdoc.

But...

She's not my current Pdoc. I'm attached to my Pdoc (as weird as it sounds). I've spent 3-4 years with her. She's the first doctor to have gotten my meds right. She helps counsel me. I don't know if new Pdoc will be the same support. I know she won't mess with my meds and will let me have my controlled meds. But she's not her! And if it's true that I only have 2 months left with her, that's only 2-3 visits!

I'm tired of losing people! All the people I have lost or have been abandoned by... And people wonder why I would lock myself in the house for 6 year? Why I still have abandonment issues?

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by lolagrace

One thing you have learned this year is that it is possible to find another competent and effective therapist. At one point you thought that could never happen, but you know differently now. It will be the same with the pdoc.

I'm sorry you are hurting. Change is difficult, but you are resilient and capable and will get through and beyond this. It feels awful now though. Again, so sorry you are hurting.

Thank you for your kind words. I'm just hurting right now. You're right that I have learned that there's just as good if not better people in the world. I didn't think I'd make it through my ex-T's abandonment, but I did. And abandonment is worse than loss. And my T won't be completely gone either.

It's just bad timing. My T actually thinks it's sort good timing. For one, I'll still have my T to help me. And two, I get to go through a healthy loss (i.e. practice) for when I terminate with T.

It just hurts so much right now.

[sweepy62]

I'm sorry you are feeling this way, I know what it feels like to lose a t, not once nut twice, now you are losing 2 very important people in your life in your most vulnerable times. Just know our have a great support network here.

[passionfruit3]

I have same issue casemananger just abandoned me after two years new one I've had no contact with cause she doesn't answer calls. Best friend left to Ohio didn't say bye cause I was in hospital now we barely talk it's like im being punished also haven't seen psychiatrist she ambushed Me and tried to set me up with her evil nurse when I ran off my mom called cops landed in er got a hemotoman from a security guard who threw me against a wall so I understand I feel totally abandoned at least yours is only by the system hopefully you have friends

[Yoda]

[A18793715]

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

My T just told me that she talked to my Pdoc and my Pdoc is leaving at the end of the year. I just saw my Pdoc a week or so ago and she didn't tell me anything! She told my T that she (my T) could tell me or that she would tell me at our next appt (not until the Nov 11th). I had my T tell me.


I'm so freaking depressed. I was already dealing with SUI thoughts this week. My Pdoc's leaving in 2 months and my T is leaving in 6 months. I want to die!

I'm so sorry. I know how you feel. My NP who was my T as well as my Pdoc gave me a 3 month notice. It's been months now and I'm still absolutely depressed and can't go to another doctor. I think I have attachment issues over that now.

[Myrto]

I'm sorry you have to go through this again. I'm not attached at all to my psychiatrist but it makes sense that you are given how long you have been seeing her. But like other posters said, you have proved that you can be strong about this and that things will get better: you already have a new pdoc lined up

I'm sorry that you're going to be losing your Pdoc and T.
I know how you feel, I lost my T and CPN within 3 months of each-other.

[ScarletPimpernel]

My fiance was able to distract me for awhile with dinner and TV. But I've been crying for the last 3 hours. My head hurts, I'm dizzy, I'm hot, I can't breathe through my nose, my eyes burn, and there's snot all over my sheets.

My Pdoc was supposed to be my constant support when T and I terminate. I was going to ask her for closer appts to help me get through it. But now when my T leaves, I'll be left with very little support: a Pdoc who I may know but have no attachment to and an online T who I may or may not like.

I'm losing all my support like I did 9 years ago when I locked myself in the house. It's happening again!

I'm not meant for this life. I love people too deeply. All the years of psychological/psychiatric help and my BPD still isn't in "remission". I'm a failure.

I think I'm just going to get off my meds and cancel all my appts. I may be able to survive this, but I don't want to. Why should I keep fighting? To love more and to lose more? To prevent others from suffering? But I'm suffering! I'm physically and emotionally hurting!

I want this pain to go away. But it's only going to get worse before anything gets better.

[unaluna]

Yikes. Id be lost without my meds. i can feel it if i forget to take them after a few hours.

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

I think I'm just going to get off my meds and cancel all my appts. I may be able to survive this, but I don't want to. Why should I keep fighting? To love more and to lose more? To prevent others from suffering? But I'm suffering! I'm physically and emotionally hurting!

I want this pain to go away. But it's only going to get worse before anything gets better.

You have a choice to handle this responsibly, continuing with your medications and appointments, working toward some closure and healthy transition, or, to choose to make decisions to actively decompensate. I hope for your own sake you will choose to take care of yourself. What good would choosing to cut yourself off from healthy care do you? Why would you do that? Who are you punishing?

I know you are hurting, but you don't have to choose to make the hurt even worse through poor decision-making.

It's okay to experience the hurt; the hurt in itself won't kill you; you know you can survive this -- you've survived worse and have done really well. Allow yourself to feel the hurt while at the same time continuing in your self-care and working toward closure and transition with your therapist and your pdoc.

[DelusionsDaily]

Scarlet I too have BPD. I get you're in an incredible amount of pain but take it from me that going off meds will only serve to intensify your pain. I was doing really good and decided to try going off meds July 2 and things are very erratic and intense emotionally the littlest thing can set off a whirlwind. Please don't do that to yourself it won't serve any GOOD purpose. Relationships are very difficult for those with BPD especially losing people in our lives. Just remember that the pains intensity will lessen. This is your chance to have real closure when the relationship ends. Walk through this with your head up, while painful, you have gotten through worse and come out the other side. I have confidence you'll do the right thing even though the urge to act impulsively is very real right now.

[mostlylurking]

I'm so sorry, Scarlet. This sounds awful. Please don't make any decisions about things like meds or appointments just yet. Just hang on for a bit, wait till the next appointment with your T, let a few days pass.

Would it be possible to schedule an appointment with the new pdoc for sometime soon, even though you don't need it yet? Just a consultation? If it went well and you felt like there could be a connection with the new pdoc, you might feel less scared about losing support. I know it won't be like the current pdoc but it might be its own good thing, and might have a lot of potential.

[ScarletPimpernel]

I finally got a little rest. Feeling a little better. Talked to my T. She said this is probably the worse right now from the shock, but it will start getting better over time. She thinks my final appt with Pdoc won't be as painful as it was getting the news.

Yeah, quitting my meds and appts was irrational. Just wasn't in a good head space last night.

T wants me to try to get an earlier appt with my Pdoc. She thinks that an explanation, clarity, and just talking through it with her will help. Pdoc doesn't work today, so I won't find out till tomorrow.

I do see my primary (new Pdoc) on the 27th, so maybe we can discuss how her being my Pdoc will work.

[ScarletPimpernel]

I'm still really struggling. The thoughts are bad. I barely have energy to get out of bed.

My Pdoc never read the email (it shows in their system if it's been read or not). So I don't have a sooner appt, least not yet.

And now it's the weekend. No T, no Pdoc. Just myself and my family. And Ativan.

[growlycat]

And us.

[ScarletPimpernel]

I went to the clinic today to get labs done. I asked the nurse about seeing my Pdoc earlier. She said there's no way, that my Pdoc is completely booked. She said she's even taking next week off... The nurse said she will go ahead and ask my Pdoc if there's any way of getting me earlier. I asked her if she would also ask my Pdoc if she could call me if she can't see me.

I'm so sad.

[bounceback]

I am so sorry Scarlett. I know how hard it is.

[Cinnamon_Stick]

I am really sorry you are going through this. The pain does get better over time. I know how difficult it is to loose someone you worked so well with.

[ScarletPimpernel]

So I finally got an email back from my Pdoc yesterday, and got to talk to her on the phone today for 40 mins! She will no longer be working in the clinic after December. She will be doing skype-type calls from January to March. She and I agreed that it's best if our last communication is in person. So I will have my appt with her on the 11th and one in December and that's it. I asked her for a transitional object and letter. She told me she wants to talk to my T first to make sure it's healthy for me. (I emailed my T asking her to say yes).

My Pdoc is leaving to go work for the county. She will no longer be working with clients. She said she's sad about that. But with her new position, she will be helping to make sure clients don't fall through the cracks.

We also talked about my new Pdoc. She will be the only psychiatrist left after my Pdoc leaves. So I'll have to stay with her or look outside the clinic. I'll stay. But I told my Pdoc that I want to have minimum sessions (every 3 months) with the new Pdoc, and she thinks it's a good idea.

We talked about reframing my thinking: she's a doctor, like a hair stylist, who is just doing her job; she's like a gynecologist who gets to know intimate parts of me, but doesn't mean we have an intimate relationship; it's not a loss, it's a time of transition. We talked about using wise mind. We talked about how it's okay to be happy for her and upset at the same time; that it's okay if I have crying spells. Try to stay in the "grey"; not black and white thinking. She validated my feelings and gave me encouragement.

All in all, it was a good phone call. Lots of crying. But I'm glad I finally got to talk to her. I'm really going to miss her.