[laxer12]

When is generally considered okay to contact your T outside of session? I know everyone has different experiences with out of session contact so it's hard to give good advice or guidance but I'm struggling with whether or not I should...

I've been struggling the past couple days and this morning I woke a couple hours before my alarm and one of the first things that popped into my head were some pretty strong thoughts of suicide. I was able to calm down my thoughts feelings and fall back asleep but it took me about an hour. I'm in no danger to myself and I'm not going to do anything but what used to be fleeting thoughts have gotten more strong and intense.

I have a session on Friday but I'm tempted to email T now, I'm just not 100% what I would say or what I would want in return. I've been seeing this T for 3 months now after moving and having to say goodbye to my old T but I've never attempted to contact this one outside of a session before. She often tells me "let me know if there is anything I can do before next week" as I'm walking out the door so that seems like an open invitation.

Anyone have any thoughts or advice?

[QueenCopper]

If you feel the need to do so please do. Even if it just to let the know what is going on and you have been dealing with.

[BudFox]

It's your therapy and you are paying so I see no reason not to ask for what you need. However, in my experience a little contact like this left me wanting more, then more. No contact was just as problematic. I couldn't win.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by laxer12

When is generally considered okay to contact your T outside of session? I know everyone has different experiences with out of session contact so it's hard to give good advice or guidance but I'm struggling with whether or not I should...

I've been struggling the past couple days and this morning I woke a couple hours before my alarm and one of the first things that popped into my head were some pretty strong thoughts of suicide. I was able to calm down my thoughts feelings and fall back asleep but it took me about an hour. I'm in no danger to myself and I'm not going to do anything but what used to be fleeting thoughts have gotten more strong and intense.

I have a session on Friday but I'm tempted to email T now, I'm just not 100% what I would say or what I would want in return. I've been seeing this T for 3 months now after moving and having to say goodbye to my old T but I've never attempted to contact this one outside of a session before. She often tells me "let me know if there is anything I can do before next week" as I'm walking out the door so that seems like an open invitation.

Anyone have any thoughts or advice?

I'd send your T an e-mail just saying how you've had these thoughts and are struggling. That you'll be OK but that you could just use a little support (or something like that). Or that you just wanted to let her know, so that you could be sure to talk about it on Friday.

Outside contact (e-mail, texts, occasional phone calls) has really helped me at times. But it's also led to some misunderstandings because it's not the same as in-person contact. Send it with the thought that you might not get much of a response, depending on how your T uses e-mail. She might just be like "Thanks for telling me. We'll talk about this next session." Or she might say quite a bit more. But I think the act of reaching out is a good one.

[ruh roh]

This is one of those things about therapy that has more to do with the specific people involved than the actual event or activity. I think that email works well for individuals/clients who are clear (to themselves and the therapist) about what they are wanting from the email, and therapists who are open to between session contact and are clear about their approach to it.

Wanting something from emailing without being clear about it can cause problems, and so can misinterpretations. It can be asking to know that the email was received, asking for a specific thing to be said back (may not be for everyone, but I sometimes need that and it works for me), or asking for an answer to something, or just venting. And then, factor in what your therapist says they can commit to. For example, mine says she will reply if she has time (she usually does), but that no reply does not mean anything other than that she doesn't have time and is not about not caring.

All of that said, the only way you'll know is to email that you're struggling and then ask for what would help. It's okay to say that you just want to know she's there, or that you need ideas for something to do to cope, or that you just want to feel connected in some way. And then, when you see her, ask about her approach to between session contact so that you're both clear on it.

In my case, it's been really helpful--enough so that I don't need to email as much for things that would have been hard to cope with in the past.

[laxer12]

Originally Posted by ruh roh

This is one of those things about therapy that has more to do with the specific people involved than the actual event or activity. I think that email works well for individuals/clients who are clear (to themselves and the therapist) about what they are wanting from the email, and therapists who are open to between session contact and are clear about their approach to it.

Wanting something from emailing without being clear about it can cause problems, and so can misinterpretations. It can be asking to know that the email was received, asking for a specific thing to be said back (may not be for everyone, but I sometimes need that and it works for me), or asking for an answer to something, or just venting. And then, factor in what your therapist says they can commit to. For example, mine says she will reply if she has time (she usually does), but that no reply does not mean anything other than that she doesn't have time and is not about not caring.

All of that said, the only way you'll know is to email that you're struggling and then ask for what would help. It's okay to say that you just want to know she's there, or that you need ideas for something to do to cope, or that you just want to feel connected in some way. And then, when you see her, ask about her approach to between session contact so that you're both clear on it.

In my case, it's been really helpful--enough so that I don't need to email as much for things that would have been hard to cope with in the past.

You make a good point.

I've been trying really hard not to contact her because I don't want to get comfortable with it and I've also been meaning to ask her about her approach to contact out of session but I keep forgetting. The stuff she often says as I'm leaving makes me feel like she would be completely okay with it but I'm not sure exactly what I'll get back (or even what I want from her)...

I'm afraid I won't say anything about it on Friday if I don't say something now so maybe it would be a good idea to email her.

[MBM17]

If I were in a similar situation, here's what I do:

I don't email my therapist partly for the reason that you and others have mentioned, that you don't want to email lest you get comfortable with it or want more of it. I'm also scared that I'll contact him one too many times and he'll tell me to never come back again. When I'm struggling really badly, I don't contact my therapist. I talk to my husband, I stuff it all inside, I pull out my DBT binder, I distract myself with TV and craft projects until I get to therapy again - any of those.

There have, however been two-ish times in the last three years that I have emailed my therapist in desperation. The last time, I described the situation and basically said, "I don't know how to survive until next session. What should I do?" And he responded back with a couple suggestions and some reassurance that I'd make it.

I haven't ever emailed him something I wanted to talk about next session because then when I get to therapy I feel terrified and trapped that he's going to bring it up and I won't be ready to talk about it. When there is something I really need to talk about, I write it REALLY BIG on my list (I always come to therapy prepared with a list of topics) and write all kinds of stuff next to it: "BRING THIS UP. You need to talk about this. It's okay, therapy is a safe place. Therapist has never reacted badly before. Talk to him about it. Really." Then I read that to myself while I'm driving to therapy and waiting in the waiting room.

That may not work at all for you. That's just what I do.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by ruh roh

This is one of those things about therapy that has more to do with the specific people involved than the actual event or activity. I think that email works well for individuals/clients who are clear (to themselves and the therapist) about what they are wanting from the email, and therapists who are open to between session contact and are clear about their approach to it.

Wanting something from emailing without being clear about it can cause problems, and so can misinterpretations. It can be asking to know that the email was received, asking for a specific thing to be said back (may not be for everyone, but I sometimes need that and it works for me), or asking for an answer to something, or just venting. And then, factor in what your therapist says they can commit to. For example, mine says she will reply if she has time (she usually does), but that no reply does not mean anything other than that she doesn't have time and is not about not caring.

All of that said, the only way you'll know is to email that you're struggling and then ask for what would help. It's okay to say that you just want to know she's there, or that you need ideas for something to do to cope, or that you just want to feel connected in some way. And then, when you see her, ask about her approach to between session contact so that you're both clear on it.

In my case, it's been really helpful--enough so that I don't need to email as much for things that would have been hard to cope with in the past.

I agree with all of this. I've found (through trial and error) that it helps to say what I need. Like "I could really just use some support right now." "Could you just respond to let me know you got this?" Though if you want more than that, say it--had a misunderstanding with marriage counselor at one point because I said that's all I wanted, then was upset that his response was basically just that he'd received it and it was ok what I said. And he was like, "You said to just let you know I got it, so that's what I did." I then learned to be more specific, like "If you could let me know you got this and then maybe a couple lines of support." Or I might say there's not response needed. Though sometimes I'll say that, then hope for a response anyway and feel disappointed if I don't get one. Even if I say no response needed. So make sure you really ask for what you want/need.

[kecanoe]

I think I would call and leave a message during normal working hours. T said to let her know if there is anything she can do, after all. And for me, a phone conversation is less likely to get things messed up than an email. You would have to wait for a call back, but then during the call you would have the opportunity to interact and get some support or reassurance or suggestions.

[laxer12]

I sent her an email this afternoon and asked her to respond saying she got it. I also said I didn't want to have a conversation over email which made me feel like she wouldn't feel any pressure.

She responded saying she saw it and that she wanted to express her concern. We'll talk more on Friday but she also sent me two crisis line number which I wasn't thrilled about...i get why she did it but I made it clear that I wasn't going to do anything. I want her to trust me and not to worry.

Thanks everyone for the suggestions and opinions, it was helpful to get some support!