[retro_chic]

I don't even know what to call this thread. I had my session with T yesterday and I came so close to crying towards the end. I felt like T was trying to encourage me to let the tears flow but I wouldn't let them. I was talking about how a fear of change was holding me back from moving out of my parent's home and is also holding me back from dating again. I realised then just how scared I am of life in general and how it is stopping me from doing pretty much everything and that I am just completely stuck. I just felt so sad and that's when the tears tried to come. I wish I felt safe enough with T to cry. I want her to comfort me and hug me but I know she doesn't do hugs and I fear that if I cry in front of her I won't feel comforted and end up just feeling worse.

Another thing I talked to T about was how the little joke she made last session irritated me because I felt as though she wasn't taking the topic as seriously as I was and that she didn't really understand me. T said she knew at the time I was annoyed. She said it was an "empathic failure" and that she was sorry and she didn't mean to make me feel like that. It was nice to hear T say that but I felt guilty about possibly making T feel bad.

There is a bunch of other stuff but I don't really want to go into it at the moment. I'm just really struggling to see the point in therapy at the moment. I have been putting so much effort into it for the past 10 months yet I still can't bring myself to make any significant changes in my life. I just want to give up but I can't bare to leave T.

[Waterbear]

Oh Retro I understand how you feel. It is so desperately hard to put yourself out there with T and then feel so not understood, so distant, so different. Please try to hear what she said and know that her feelings are only normal too. They will pass, just like ours do and she probably feels better just by feeling bad because it means that you are both being honest with each other. I hope that makes sense.

As for change, it can take ages, and it can feel literally pointless when we can't see the changes we want. Can you see any changes though, anything at all? I know for me I cannot see the changes I want but I can see things that have changed that may one day lead to the changes I do want. I just have to be patient with both the process and myself and that is not easy.

As for letting yourself cry I relate to that a lot. It is as if you can feel the sadness and the tears welling up behind your eyes but then you either force then away or they just disappear. I understand your fear of wanting to be comforted by your T and that by not having this you fear you will feel worse. This is what it is like for me too and I know that if I had a T who would not comfort me then there is absolutely no way I would be able to feel the sadness or ever allow myself to cry. Have you had this conversation with your T and let her know how it is for you? If you have and her stance is still that she will not be with you physically in your sadness and pain then I guess maybe you could ask yourself a question. How important is this to you? Is this a deal breaker? For me it is and so if I was in your shoes I would be looking for another T, someone who could meet my needs in this area.

I get that this might not be the way forwards for you, I just wanted to share how it would be for me and to say that what you describe really resonates with me.

ETA. Edited to say that I don't actually want my T to 'comfort' me. I want her to really 'be' with me in my sadness. I don't want her to make it OK for me, I just want to know that she is right there with me and for me this involves physical closeness and touch. Without that I can't 'feel' her there. Just wanted to add that because there is a distinct difference, for me. I wonder how it is for you Retro.

[Out There]

It takes time - I've been with my main T 6 years and we've really only just got going , and there have been two ruptures in the past 6 months and repairing them involved him doing what I'm not used to because nobody else has done that. I'm glad I didn't leave therapy like I felt like doing or I wouldn't be where I am now. To me your therapy seems to be going well , I often evaluate my own when it's close the other people's to see how it's going and where the same things come up. I'm not good at crying or feeling the feelings either.

[ScarletPimpernel]

My T doesn't physically comfort me when I cry. At first, it was awkward, but over time I have gotten used to it. She used to not give tissue either! Then one time she put them on the floor for me... Now she hands them to me.

As for progress, it takes time. I know I'm getting better slowly. I'm able to handle things better, and am able to set some of my own boundaries. But major changes like socializing, still scare me. I'm just not ready, and that's okay.

[therapyishelping777]

I have always struggled with crying at therapy with my T.. he just sits there and looks at me.. there is a kleenex box always on the table by the chair I sit in. He always has a very caring empathetic look.. and he is very intuitive on when to talk or say something . He sees when I'm holding back and mentions it. He's encouraged me to cry as much as I need to let it out. There is no physical comforting.. no touch. whatsoever.. I'd kind of feel odd about it with him... so that is fine.. I feel safe with him.. and am finding it ok but still a little awkward. I think its getting better though.

[kecanoe]

None of my ts offer any kind of physical touch when I cry. Sometimes I get handed a tissue. And none of them make any real effort to comfort me. They have all indicated that it is ok to cry, that crying is a good thing (which I don't know if I believe). I do cry with T1 when I feel like it, I cried with T3 a lot at the beginning but what we are doing now doesn't make me want to cry very often. Sometimes tear up. And I don't think I cry in front of T2. But I might have dissociated thru that.

I don't find it comforting to cry. To me, it is stupid and it doesn't change anything. But I have gotten to the place where if tears are welling up I can stay with the feeling and not dissociate away from it.

[Myrto]

Originally Posted by retro_chic

I don't even know what to call this thread. I had my session with T yesterday and I came so close to crying towards the end. I felt like T was trying to encourage me to let the tears flow but I wouldn't let them. I was talking about how a fear of change was holding me back from moving out of my parent's home and is also holding me back from dating again. I realised then just how scared I am of life in general and how it is stopping me from doing pretty much everything and that I am just completely stuck. I just felt so sad and that's when the tears tried to come. I wish I felt safe enough with T to cry. I want her to comfort me and hug me but I know she doesn't do hugs and I fear that if I cry in front of her I won't feel comforted and end up just feeling worse.

Another thing I talked to T about was how the little joke she made last session irritated me because I felt as though she wasn't taking the topic as seriously as I was and that she didn't really understand me. T said she knew at the time I was annoyed. She said it was an "empathic failure" and that she was sorry and she didn't mean to make me feel like that. It was nice to hear T say that but I felt guilty about possibly making T feel bad.

There is a bunch of other stuff but I don't really want to go into it at the moment. I'm just really struggling to see the point in therapy at the moment. I have been putting so much effort into it for the past 10 months yet I still can't bring myself to make any significant changes in my life. I just want to give up but I can't bare to leave T.

I'm sorry that your therapist doesn't comfort you or hug you. I'm not a cryer at all but I've also felt a couple of times that I wanted to cry in therapy and I held back my tears because I just knew my T was just going to sit there, look at me and do nothing. Like you, I'd probably end up feeling worse. I get the feeling of being stuck and seeing little to no changes in my life. I just wanted to tell you that I understand. Unfortunately I don't have any solutions. Hugs.

[retro_chic]

Thank you so much everyone for your replies!

I've been feeling pretty crappy lately and just want to stay in bed and hide under the covers all day. My T does comfort me in non-physical ways I guess but sometimes it just doesn't feel like enough. It takes a lot of energy to hold back the tears and wish I could just let that go and be completely myself with T but I'm too scared to. I've been reading a bit about "annihilation anxiety" and I think that is definitely an issue for me and it is what is holding me back from making progress but I don't know how to overcome it.

[retro_chic]

Ugh, I'm really missing T. I see her again on Thursday but that seems so far away right now. I wish I could email her or something. I mean T never explicitly said I can't email her but when I asked her ages ago if I could email her a reflection on the previous session she said that it is something that needs to be discussed in session rather than emailed. The email I want to send now is different though, I just want to tell her I'm struggling and I miss her. I don't know if that would be okay. Probably not.

Hugs if you desire them.

[growlycat]

Hugs here too. I had a t early on who did not do touch at all and I found it sort of destructive. My last t would touch if asked but I only asked twice in three years. Boundaries are a good thing but they can be overdone. My last t did not touch without a request but he did use emotive body language that helped me. Including sitting closer or leaning in. Making eye contact. He had a go to phrase if I cried "it's ok". Oddly comforting yet it showed his discomfort for tears. He found the one thing that seemed to work and kept using it. Can you tell your t that her no touching stance is hurting you? If no on hugs will she hold your hand?

[retro_chic]

Originally Posted by growlycat

Hugs here too. I had a t early on who did not do touch at all and I found it sort of destructive. My last t would touch if asked but I only asked twice in three years. Boundaries are a good thing but they can be overdone. My last t did not touch without a request but he did use emotive body language that helped me. Including sitting closer or leaning in. Making eye contact. He had a go to phrase if I cried "it's ok". Oddly comforting yet it showed his discomfort for tears. He found the one thing that seemed to work and kept using it. Can you tell your t that her no touching stance is hurting you? If no on hugs will she hold your hand?

Thanks for this
I am going to have to talk to T about this "no hug" thing again. I find myself literally pining over her in between sessions when things aren't going well and I really hate it. I know that there needs to be boundaries but it seems so unfair that I only get 50mins a week to talk about things and then I'm on my own. T is the only person I talk to about my issues so I really don't have anyone else.