So, talking to T today about my mother dying on my my birthday, I said "I should have contacted her!"
T said, and then what?
Me : I dunno, I could have done it differently?
T : you did do it differently. You took yourself out of a highly toxic relationship.
Me: but I loved her. How can you love someone and they not love you back?
T: of course you loved her, she was your mother. And just because she's gone doesn't stop you from wanting her to be the mother we all deserve.

Yeah, that's what I'm missing. The wanting.

T said, the survival of your mother's self, depended on her putting all her 'bad' into you. She couldn't allow herself to even begin to verbalize what it was she felt about you. If she gad, then she would have fallen apart. She project her dead mother into you. My adoptive mums, mum died when she was 5.
T said "each time she accused you of not loving her, it was her own mother she was thinking about. And when that made you angry, that then fitted her mind pyscology. She imagined her dead mother as being angry at her, so you couldn't win no matter what you did. But of course this was all unconscious material. Your mother would never have been able to access it.
T added, but none of this stops you loving and wanting her, and by that I mean the her, that she never was to you.

Sigh. Life is hard at times.

[Electric76]

Originally Posted by _Mouse

So, talking to T today about my mother dying on my my birthday, I said "I should have contacted her!"
T said, and then what?
Me : I dunno, I could have done it differently?
T : you did do it differently. You took yourself out of a highly toxic relationship.
Me: but I loved her. How can you love someone and they not love you back?
T: of course you loved her, she was your mother. And just because she's gone doesn't stop you from wanting her to be the mother we all deserve.

Yeah, that's what I'm missing. The wanting.

T said, the survival of your mother's self, depended on her putting all her 'bad' into you. She couldn't allow herself to even begin to verbalize what it was she felt about you. If she gad, then she would have fallen apart. She project her dead mother into you. My adoptive mums, mum died when she was 5.
T said "each time she accused you of not loving her, it was her own mother she was thinking about. And when that made you angry, that then fitted her mind pyscology. She imagined her dead mother as being angry at her, so you couldn't win no matter what you did. But of course this was all unconscious material. Your mother would never have been able to access it.
T added, but none of this stops you loving and wanting her, and by that I mean the her, that she never was to you.

Sigh. Life is hard at times.

Wow that is intense, and a lot to take in. How are you doing now? When I have sessions like these it keeps repeating in my head over and over all week

The therapy is the relief. It's life that's intense