[Willowleaf]

Hi, After 6 years, my t said one day when I pushed her that this was my problem if we were to put a name on it. What I read scares me especially as I have additional trauma and neglect on top of this. I'm getting really despairing that I am in search of a utopia that doesn't exist. She feels I am making good progress and I am in a lot of ways, but I feel the emotions more strongly and I still often disassociate a lot. Tonight in session it was almost non stop. I don't know what I want from this. I think I just want to know that things get better. I am not looking for a lot just to not be in emotional or physical pain and to feel a sense of contentment. I don't want to have to manage my symptoms for life. I have a very respectable job and my staff would be horrified if they knew all my problems. No one else knows and I feel I am living a double life.

[Out There]

Things do get better. I've used many things in healing from CPTSD and I'm getting there. Some of the things that help are not talk therapy , like EMDR , trauma release exercises , EFT , I've worked with a shaman. So multi-disciplines help with it. We can't change what's over and what's happened , only where we go. It does feel like living a double life - it's the hidden illness. Do you feel hyper aroused / hyper vigilant a lot of the time ? That's a difficult aspect of it.

[Willowleaf]

Originally Posted by Out There

Things do get better. I've used many things in healing from CPTSD and I'm getting there. Some of the things that help are not talk therapy , like EMDR , trauma release exercises , EFT , I've worked with a shaman. So multi-disciplines help with it. We can't change what's over and what's happened , only where we go. It does feel like living a double life - it's the hidden illness. Do you feel hyper aroused / hyper vigilant a lot of the time ? That's a difficult aspect of it.

Yes I really do. I do a lot of bodywork as I had huge problems through lack of touch. I can now tolerate a massage and sometimes book one when my t is away. I use mindfulness and meditate briefly every morning setting an intention for the day. But it's hard work and I am tired at having to work so hard to appear normal and function at work. Relationships are beyond me and it is very lonely although I am getting better at tolerating my own company now my children are leaving home. Even they have no idea what a struggle life is.

[junkDNA]

i am not healed yet but yes i believe you can recover, my T tells me it all the time

[Nammu]

Yes, you can recover. I used to be overly emotional, triggered easily and very dissociative. It was years of hard work and some very good Ts that helped.

[Willowleaf]

But how? And what does it feel like?mhow is it different?

Cured? Got can get stronger. More able to tolerate emotions.Before i begun long term therapy I was like a the soggy end of a stick of celery. Now I'm the crunchy end.

I read this.

From "Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving

Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-.../dp/1492871842

[skeksi]

I do believe it can get better. I don't know that I'd say "cured," but I think I can learn to live with it with much less distress. For example, when I first went to T, I could not sleep an entire night. Even after I got medication, I felt terror every night until the meds took hold. Now, I take my meds and go to sleep. No terror, even when I hear a noise--I feel surprised, and momentarily scared, but it passes.

T and I work at dismantling the reactions that make my life hard--feeling my own anger, having flashbacks, disagreeing with him. Slowly my reactions fade. I have them, but they don't dominate me. It's like noticing you have a runny nose but not having to stay in bed for a week.

[Willowleaf]

Originally Posted by skeksi

I do believe it can get better. I don't know that I'd say "cured," but I think I can learn to live with it with much less distress. For example, when I first went to T, I could not sleep an entire night. Even after I got medication, I felt terror every night until the meds took hold. Now, I take my meds and go to sleep. No terror, even when I hear a noise--I feel surprised, and momentarily scared, but it passes.

T and I work at dismantling the reactions that make my life hard--feeling my own anger, having flashbacks, disagreeing with him. Slowly my reactions fade. I have them, but they don't dominate me. It's like noticing you have a runny nose but not having to stay in bed for a week.

I love that analogy! I think what I'm getting despairing about is that my nose will always run. I imagine that this despair is actually part of the cptsd, but when I have these feelings they feel so real and so now. They don't feel like flashbacks

[Partless]

Originally Posted by Willowleaf

Yes I really do. I do a lot of bodywork as I had huge problems through lack of touch. I can now tolerate a massage and sometimes book one when my t is away. I use mindfulness and meditate briefly every morning setting an intention for the day. But it's hard work and I am tired at having to work so hard to appear normal and function at work. Relationships are beyond me and it is very lonely although I am getting better at tolerating my own company now my children are leaving home. Even they have no idea what a struggle life is.

I feel for you. I think in a lot of ways it feels unfair, to have to do so much work to "appear normal" as you say. I deal with PTSD myself and still dislike doing the bodywork and my T had told me I basically had to. I sometimes try to compare myself with people with physical problems and that they too might feel it's unfair they have to do the extra work. What they have going for them is often their problems are obvious to others (not always) and they presumably get more sympathy and understanding. On the other hand, for those who like to "appear normal", having psychological issues might be an advantage because in some cases you could fake it (of course the discerning coworker could still tell something is wrong).

For me the problem is when I refuse relations with people and I think maybe they wonder if I am acting rude or aloof. When the reality is quite different. Because of abuse in my past and PTSD too I find relating with people in more intimate way extremely challenging and painful. I can only handle so much of it and then I have to recover. Yet I crave good relationships, and I think good relationships are just what the doctor ordered, they can help us heal from past relational trauma. But have patience with yourself. You will continue to get better and hopefully form new relationships. But it takes time.

Originally Posted by skeksi

I do believe it can get better. I don't know that I'd say "cured," but I think I can learn to live with it with much less distress. For example, when I first went to T, I could not sleep an entire night. Even after I got medication, I felt terror every night until the meds took hold. Now, I take my meds and go to sleep. No terror, even when I hear a noise--I feel surprised, and momentarily scared, but it passes.

T and I work at dismantling the reactions that make my life hard--feeling my own anger, having flashbacks, disagreeing with him. Slowly my reactions fade. I have them, but they don't dominate me. It's like noticing you have a runny nose but not having to stay in bed for a week.

Good for you. May I ask what meds you're on? I also suffer from night terrors but my antidepressants don't help that much.

[junkDNA]

Originally Posted by Partless

I feel for you. I think in a lot of ways it feels unfair, to have to do so much work to "appear normal" as you say. I deal with PTSD myself and still dislike doing the bodywork and my T had told me I basically had to. I sometimes try to compare myself with people with physical problems and that they too might feel it's unfair they have to do the extra work. What they have going for them is often their problems are obvious to others (not always) and they presumably get more sympathy and understanding. On the other hand, for those who like to "appear normal", having psychological issues might be an advantage because in some cases you could fake it (of course the discerning coworker could still tell something is wrong).

For me the problem is when I refuse relations with people and I think maybe they wonder if I am acting rude or aloof. When the reality is quite different. Because of abuse in my past and PTSD too I find relating with people in more intimate way extremely challenging and painful. I can only handle so much of it and then I have to recover. Yet I crave good relationships, and I think good relationships are just what the doctor ordered, they can help us heal from past relational trauma. But have patience with yourself. You will continue to get better and hopefully form new relationships. But it takes time.

Good for you. May I ask what meds you're on? I also suffer from night terrors but my antidepressants don't help that much.

there is a med called Prazosin (minipress) that helps with flashbacks and nightmares. it is originally an alpha blocker (blood pressure med) but they discovered it's other qualities that can alleviate some PTSD symptoms. it has worked for me

[skeksi]

Originally Posted by Partless

Isometimes try to compare myself with people with physical problems and that they too might feel it's unfair they have to do the extra work. What they have going for them is often their problems are obvious to others (not always) and they presumably get more sympathy and understanding.

My T has also compared my PTSD to a physical disability. I think it helped me have more compassion for myself. I try to see dealing with my symptoms as accommodating the disability. As you say, building relationships is hard but also healing. When I get scared and have to back off, I try to see it as part of the disability rather than a personal failing.

May I ask what meds you're on? I also suffer from night terrors but my antidepressants don't help that much.

Yeah, anti-ds did not help me at all. I am on a large dose of Trazodone to sleep. But I don't have night terrors--junkDNA's suggestion of Prazosin might be good for that.

[bluemonday]

Originally Posted by Willowleaf

Yes I really do. I do a lot of bodywork as I had huge problems through lack of touch. I can now tolerate a massage and sometimes book one when my t is away. I use mindfulness and meditate briefly every morning setting an intention for the day. But it's hard work and I am tired at having to work so hard to appear normal and function at work. Relationships are beyond me and it is very lonely although I am getting better at tolerating my own company now my children are leaving home. Even they have no idea what a struggle life is.

You reminded me of quote which is so true:

Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal -Albert Camus

[Willowleaf]

I love that quote. Thanks. Problem is I am tired of expanding all that energy, but unless I change my job which is not an option right now I'm stuck and I'm exhausted!