Au revoir, French T.

My experience is so similar... I really feel for you. I do think the tide will turn on dissociative disorders (it is beginning to now) but so many Ts are still so wary of the diagnosis. The research shows that a reasonable percentage of patients with a childhood trauma history develop a dissociative disorder, so it really makes me wonder what the heck they are actually teaching all these trauma therapists at therapy school!
Keep trying, guilloche, the right t for you is out there.

I'm so sorry. Constantly being told by therapists "well, no we can't work together" must be incredibly painful and infuriating. In my search for therapists, I have noticed that quite of lot of them can't seem to wrap their minds around the fact that well, no I cannot come at 2pm on a weekday because I'm working. Like, I don't know anybody who can do that, who can just come for a session in the middle of the afternoon. It's like what you say about the referral therapist: she lives too far and you can't just take 3 hours to go see her. Why don't more therapists work on weekends? I've noticed it's quite rare in my country for therapists to work on Saturday. It boggles the mind. My conclusion is: a lot of therapists just want something easy peasy, as in: no "difficult" client (no trauma, no DID, etc. I'm not saying you're difficult, just that it's labeled by the profession as difficult), no long hours, no out of session contact because it takes time to read emails, etc.

Didn't really get anything done today. Mostly stayed in bed and played games on the Kindle. Just... no energy to do anything. and, I'm still tired. Ugh.

Thanks, Itisnt - I know that you're right, I do. But, I think he jumped the gun. The diagnosis is from 15 years ago and technically doesn't exist anymore (i.e. there's no way I could be diagnosed DDNOS today, because that was removed from the DSM). And, I don't really have any symptoms that I can point a finger to at this point. It just doesn't seem to be the biggest thing that I need to work on... so it feels like I'm being punished for getting the diagnosis back when I first started therapy. And, I was already punished for it - the T that I had been seeing for a year kicked me out, after telling me that he wouldn't do that no matter diagnosis came back from the consultation. It just sucks.

That said, yeah, I know you're right. It would be worse to spend another year or three with him, and then to run into this and get referred out. I can't win here though. I really just need a decent, empathic therapist who can be supportive and help with some pretty basic stuff going on now (anxiety, and trying to figure out how to structure my life a little better to be more effective). I think he could have handled those really well!

Ruh Roh - thank you so much for the validation! It does feel crazy that he says he deals with trauma (it's on his website, and he made a point of mentioning it when I asked about his experiences and training) - but not dissociation.

Luce - thanks! Do you have a good T that knows about this stuff? I'm wondering how you found him/her, if you do? I've tried Ts in my area that have experience with dissociative disorders, and have not found them helpful. (The T that I'm leaving has no experience with dissociative stuff, but I think his lack of helpfulness is not related to that!)

Myrto - Yeah, I feel that way too (re: therapists and easy clients). The irony is, I'm not difficult in *that* way... I never call, I only email for scheduling stuff, I show up on time, I don't cancel appointments, I pay on time... you know, all the basics. I generally don't have crises... the only time that I *wanted* to call my T was after the very first visit, when I had a car accident (minor, but I was shaken up) and just needed to talk to someone and be reassured. But, I didn't (I posted here instead!).

And, yeah, figuring out how to get there and deal with work is a challenge. I'm lucky, I can usually take time off ("for a doctor's appointment") - but I always feel like it looks a little funny to be taking off *every* week. But, I can deal with that... but if it's going to be an hour drive to get there, an hour in the office, and maybe 40 minutes to get back home, if I'm lucky - that's just too long to be away every week. It sucks, but that's the reality for a lot of people.

I don't think I'm going to keep looking. I was thinking about it today, and I can't really point to anything that is *better* in my life because of therapists (I've been going on and off for the last 15 years, longest that I stayed with one was ~3 years... this current one that I'm leaving was ~2 years, so it's not like I'm quitting early!)

And, they cause me so much stress. I'd love it if I could find one that seems to be relatively intelligent, understands my stuff (and can explain things in a way that makes sense to me), and actually feels supportive. But, I have not been lucky enough to find that. I think I get more benefit from reading books about psychology (and trauma) and figuring out how they apply to me. It's so sad, but I think that a huge percentage of therapists are really just not that good.

Thanks everyone... hope you are all having a good weekend.

I have only seen this therapist three times, so I don't know yet how it is going to work out. I was referred to her by another T, when I specifically said I want to see someone who has experience working with people who have dissociative disorders, and this new T has mentioned 'another client who has DID', but I don't really know how experienced or skilled she is in this area yet. She has taught me some very valuable grounding and containment skills, so she does seem to be a 'good T' (that is, she seems skilled), so I am hopeful... but I just don't know yet.

With most therapists I have seen here I have been upfront about having DID but they have all been very cagey about their experience or understanding of it, and eventually with each one it turned out they really didn't know much (or even believe in it) at all.
A friend of mine with DID cold called a ton of Ts about their DID experience and after many calls she found one who said she specialized in dissociative disorders (it wasn't mentioned on her website). My friend has been seeing her now for almost a year and says she is very skilled and knowledgeable. My friend even asked her T if she knew of any DID Ts in my area, but she didn't (they may know of each other through networking). Is calling and asking a bunch of Ts an option for you?

Wanted to add my ex long term DID t from another country told me the fit is more important than the amount of experience with working with DID - as long as the T is open to learning about it. When I first saw my ex T she knew nothing about dissociative disorders and told me she would need to refer me to someone else. Apparently I asked her who she would refer me to and she said she didn't know. I then said "Well I like you and want to keep seeing you." She said okay, as long as I was willing to be patient while she learned.
I stayed with her for about 7 years and she is now a specialist in treating clients with dissociative disorders.
So, they don't necessarily have to know about DID... as long as you find a t who you 'click' with, and they are ready and willing to learn.

I echo what Luce said about fit and willingness to learn. My therapist has a lot of experience in dissociative disorders and d id, and it is thanks to her earlier clients that I benefit now. She doesn't advertise at all as having this specialty, so it was kind of amazing to have someone understand so keenly what was going on and how to work in ways no other therapist had prior. That said, she got into it because of clients early on, and her willingness to learn.

If you have any kind of dd, it's really not worth trying to hide or suppress in order to keep a therapist who doesn't feel comfortable with those kinds of conditions. Better to find someone who's willing to learn, like Luce said. And move on (gratefully) from those who are not, because it's just not worth it.

I went into therapy with no concept of "fit", no visceral understanding. That's part of what had gotten dissociated off, I think. So, now maybe I do, but I didn't going in.

In addition to that, I believe that I was unlikely to find a good "fit" by chance because I am temperamentally a nerd, a Myers-Briggs INTJ, etc. Most therapists are not like that.

In addition, I love to learn and my last therapist wasn't that interested in it. For the profession to put all the expectation for finding a good "fit" on the client is absurd, in my view. But that's the reality of the profession currently.

I think it's good to discard any aspect or approach if someone finds it absurd. I'm sure there are therapists who don't subscribe to the idea of "fit."

For me, it's been important. I can't get anywhere with a therapist that I don't feel comfortable with or can't communicate with.

I don't feel comfortable and can't communicate with most people, at least on an emotional level. So maybe that's why I couldn't get much of anywhere with my therapists? But then, what. . .

"I don't feel comfortable and can't communicate with most people"

fwiw, I can't communicate with most people and feel out of my skin uncomfortable...which is how I knew the one I see now was worth staying with. But that's just me. Everyone has to find their own way. I have been hurt badly in therapy in the past. I don't blame anyone for not wanting to try risking it again or for not agreeing with the idea of "fit." Like I said, I'm sure there are therapists who don't subscribe to the idea.

And to the OP: I'm so sorry. There is nothing worse than risking and hoping and being rejected.

Thanks. I'm starting to feel a little bit better. I think it will always be frustrating, especially after all the not-great-fitting Ts that I've seen. But, moving on, I guess.

I don't know what I'm going to do. Honestly, I flip flop. I think that if I had had any kind of success with therapy, even if it was something small, I'd be more able to keep looking - but omg. It's been horrible! Even the therapists that I've *liked* and who were genuinely kind and caring have not really given me anything useful. I don't know. I just can't seem to figure out how to "use" therapy as a tool to improve my life.

On the other hand, I feel pretty broken and hopeless, so I keep thinking that I should be back in therapy. It's hard. I think I might want to spend the money on a personal trainer instead - it will give me someone who will work to encourage me, plus exercise is great for depression/anxiety, plus self-confidence with losing weight and getting strong, plus good health benefits.

The more I think about it, the more I this I might easily see more value doing that, and it will probably be cheaper too

Seriously, I'd LOVE a great therapist. Someone who really understands me, understands the stuff that's going on with me, communicates well, and is genuinely helpful. Not sure where that person is though. I don't know, a friend suggested that I call the woman that french T suggested and see if she knows anyone closer to me. Or, see if she works in any other offices, or what her hours are.

I'm really hesitant - b/c I don't think I'd work well with a female T. But, he mentioned she had done research at a local university (I think on complex ptsd, but I'm not sure if I read that correctly) - which is something that I'd really like/respect, I think. Sigh, I don't know. Ugh. Ugh ugh ugh. why can't it be easier?

Luce -thanks for sharing your experiences, and I really hope the new T works out for you. I like the idea of a good-fitting T who is willing to learn about dissociation, but most of the ones that I've seen don't seem interested in learning, sadly. A lot of them just don't believe in it at all... which feels crazy to me!

I think the calling thing makes me nervous. I think part of it is - I'm not comfortable admitting or talking about any of my trauma stuff right away (or at all, ever, honestly!!!). But I feel like calling up someone and asking about this stuff - right away they're going to know/ask about trauma and start making assumptions and want to dive in, and that's too much, too fast for me. I'd rather slide in talking about anxiety and work, then maybe talk about my crazy family... then when I feel a little safer/more comfortable, start to possibly edge around the trauma.

But I guess it depends. That's the thing. With French T, I felt like... not that I could dive in to the trauma, but that I would very quickly be OK talking around it, admitting there was something there and starting to explore the edges of it. I think because he was very clearly not pushy, unlike most of the Ts I've seen.

Ruh Roh - Thanks. What you described with your T, the fact that she clearly *gets it* sounds so incredibly! I wish I could have an experience like that with a T! I know you're right - I really do (about not hiding the dissociation early on) - but omg. It's just so hard. It feels like Ts are saying, "you're too broken, we can't help you, please go away and stop bothering us". Ugh.

Thanks, Here Today. That's so sad to me that your last T wasn't into learning! I think you're hitting on what I'm feeling too - how do you even relate to someone like that? Someone who isn't really that curious about things, and doesn't want to learn new things? I think that's a big part of what made French T seem like a better candidate - he definitely had the sense of loving to learn new things! He even mentioned it to me while we were talking. I think it's a very different way of interacting with the world, and I don't judge people for not being like that (I think it's sort of innate, not a choice), but I do think that it's hard to relate well to a T who doesn't share that preference.

Are you familiar with the underlying cognitive functions (for meyers-briggs)? I've been learning about them lately, really fascinating... With INTJ - that should mean that you're leading with Ni and Te, right? Very neat.... I've been mistyped as Te, which I've seen nicknamed as "effectiveness". I am most definitely *not* high in effectiveness, not by anyone's standards, so that's part of how I ruled out INTJ for myself.

Hmmm.. though I can see how if you're high in Te, the entire therapeutic model must drive you a little crazy (no pun intended). It is definitely not set up in any kind of optimal way, for anyone!

Thanks... I'm glad we've got a short week this week at work. I'll think some more this week about what I want/need to do to move forward. I appreciate all the support. Thank you all!