[guilloche]

So, French T is a no-go. He just left a message on my answering machine. I'm glad I didn't pick up, as I'm crying now.

When I was trying to explain my history with previous therapists, I mentioned that one of the first Ts sent me for a consultation, and I was diagnosed with a dissociative disorder. This was 15 years ago. I didn't get through the rest of the history of Ts, unfortunately, as he seemed to want to move the conversation along.

The message said, "Unfortunately, I talked to my supervisor, and she was very clear that I can't work with a client with DID, it requires specialized training that I definitely don't have. I'm so sorry. [blah blah blah find a specialist, good luck, etc.]"

I think I should not have mentioned that. I wish he has asked more to clarify (I believe that I was diagnosed as DDNOS, not DID). He did ask how it affected my life now, and I told him that I don't think it does, I'm not noticing any kind of symptoms but I don't know if it's because my life is pretty small (so no triggers). I don't get out a lot, work from home, don't date, etc.

I feel so stupid and hopeless. Ughhhh.

[ruh roh]

He did you a favor, though, to let you know right away and not months or years down the road. If he's not willing to understand or work with people who have a dissociative disorder, he's going to have a very limited practice, but it's good for him to define who he will work with and maybe he can market himself in a way that will prevent people with trauma from seeking him out.

[here today]

So, so sorry. They don't know how to help us, so they dump us. Or, in my experience, they think they know how but then they don't. Another form of dumping again.

I still believe that we can help each other somehow. How I don't exactly know.

[Myrto]

I'm so sorry, he seemed like a good candidate. I would feel completely rejected in your place so I get it. I guess he was being honest but since you say your DID doesn't really interfere with your life, it seems a bit too much for him to back away like that. I hope you'll find a therapist who will finally address your needs.

[guilloche]

Ruh Roh - thanks. I know this, objectively. But... right now I have no one. He was the first therapist that I've talked to that I felt might "get" me, you know? Most therapists, I feel like there's this huge gap... and that they just don't *see* me. It's so frustrating, you'd think therapists would be better at seeing people, but I don't tend to feel that from the ones that I've seen. It's frustrating.

The irony is, he works with trauma! He advertises that he works with trauma! Assuming that he actually has clients with trauma (and not just training in trauma, awaiting his first client) - then he probably has people with dissociative issues to some degree.

It's just sad. I feel like I've been through so many Ts. Last T tried to help by putting out a message to his network-of-Ts via email, and couldn't find somebody relatively close (within about 20 minutes drive time) that could work with me.

Here Today - Thank you, I appreciate it. It's completely nuts, isn't it? How does anyone ever get better? I'm starting to think the therapy-industry is really, really screwed up. It just... shouldn't be this hard to find somebody.

I know it's not impossible, I've had friends that understood me well and were helpful. I've got one friend right now who is very intuitive and I feel very accurately and gently *seen*. I think I'm going to tell him that he needs to start offering workshops for therapists.

It just feels so hopeless. And it feels like it compounds as I get older.

[guilloche]

Originally Posted by Myrto

I'm so sorry, he seemed like a good candidate. I would feel completely rejected in your place so I get it. I guess he was being honest but since you say your DID doesn't really interfere with your life, it seems a bit too much for him to back away like that. I hope you'll find a therapist who will finally address your needs.

Thank Myrto... yeah, "rejected" is a good way to put it. I agree, that logically, it was good that he was honest and that he doesn't want to start treatment when he's not really trained/skilled enough to do a good job, but...

But I don't know that I have DID. The consultation was 15 years ago, and I thought that she diagnosed me as DD-NOS, which was the catch-all at the time for "yes, you definitely show dissociative traits - but you don't meet the criteria for full-blown DID".

But I don't know. It's all really confusing, in part because I've never found a really good T that knows enough about this stuff to help me understand where I fit in, you know? Ugh, and it's been SO MUCH FREAKING REJECTION all along the way, "no I can't help you, get out", "no, I'm too busy writing my book, get out", "No, you need more help than we can provide here, get out".

It. Just. Sucks. Period. Period. Period.

[LonesomeTonight]

Ugh, I'm sorry. Though I guess better he let you know now than when you've been seeing him for months. Would it be possible to call him and just let him know that it's not DID? But a different dissociate disorder, that doesn't even affect you much now? Though he seemed uncertain about working with other stuff, too. Or if at least you could see him a second time and talk about your diagnoses/needs a bit more.

[guilloche]

Thanks LonesomeTonight... I thought about sending him a follow-up email to clarify, but I think that's probably not going to be useful. My intuition is that he's still a fairly new T and is looking to his supervisor for guidance on this, and isn't likely to reconsider it. Just a guess, but that's my impression. I think that I'm wary of trying to convince him, since that might make him feel a bit "chased" (it would make me feel that way) which I suspect was part of what he didn't want to deal with, re: BPD and attachment.

Thanks... I appreciate the good thought and hugs. This is just so incredibly frustrating. I feel like I've been through the entire Psych Today therapist directory. I feel like I could write a book about therapists in my city.

[atisketatasket]

Originally Posted by guilloche

Thanks... I appreciate the good thought and hugs. This is just so incredibly frustrating. I feel like I've been through the entire Psych Today therapist directory. I feel like I could write a book about therapists in my city.

If you do, I would make the plot revolve around rival gangs of therapists. Don't think that's been done before. Just sayin'.

[Moksha]

I'm really sorry your T backed off so abruptly. As others have said, if he was too afraid of not knowing how to be there for you, it might be for the best that he decided not to begin a therapeutical process. However, I understand how you must be feeling.

Don't give up searching for someone though, there are definitely therapists out there who will be glad to work with you and help you recover from trauma.

I was just watching Carl Rogers Empathy Lecture on youtube before I read your post and somehow what Rogers says at minute 27:00 (approx.) seems very related to what you may be experiencing.

I recommend looking for someone who you feel "sees" you and understands you.

I wish you all the best.

[here today]

With regard to rival gangs, I definitely feel, and told my last T, that I felt her consultation group was a "clique".

[guilloche]

Actually, I think I might send him a followup email.

Does this sound awful, clingy, or in anyway negative? I'd basically just say thanks for explaining, and then clarify that I wasn't diagnosed with DID, but DD-NOS and what that means, and that I understand if his decision stands and that I enjoyed meeting him anyway.

Any chance that he'd reconsider? Do I WANT him to reconsider? I kind of do, b/c I still feel like... like there's a little bit of a click that I haven't had with other Ts previously, he feels different.

ATisketATasket - LOL, that wasn't exactly the kind of book that I had in mind, but you made me laugh (thanks). I was thinking more like a guidebook to "Ts in my city! Who to see, who to avoid!" - ha.

Thanks Moksha, I will have to look up the video. It's surprising to me that I've had a couple of really good friends who were very empathic and very able to "see" me... but not so much with the Ts. This seems like it should be T-lessons-101, but apparently, nope!

Here Today - the consultation group as a clique sounds about right to me! Those things make me nervous!

Thanks. I don't know about the email. I think I can capture the right voice for it: not too needy, whining, argumentative - just friendly enough as a "oops - I'm sorry, you misunderstood me, let me clarify" type of message. I don't have any expectation that it actually will change his mind, but I guess it's a long shot?

Thanks.

I would follow up. With further explanation and clarification that you were never actually given even a DID diagnosis, just reference to traits of dissociative disorder (and a very unclear one), he might very well reconsider. If not, you'll at least rest in knowing that the misunderstanding was cleared up and he still declined to take you on as a client. Without a follow up email, you are kind of left wondering whether that might make the difference.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by lolagrace

I would follow up. With further explanation and clarification that you were never actually given even a DID diagnosis, just reference to traits of dissociative disorder (and a very unclear one), he might very well reconsider. If not, you'll at least rest in knowing that the misunderstanding was cleared up and he still declined to take you on as a client. Without a follow up email, you are kind of left wondering whether that might make the difference.

Yeah i agree. I feel so bad about this.

[guilloche]

Thanks Lolagrace and Unaluna....

Well, I went ahead and emailed the clarification. I read your responses, and thought, I don't really have anything to lose at this point. I guess my greater fear is that, if he DOES change his mind, that I'm now starting from a much more *wary* place, feeling like I'm on the edge of being kicked out.

The one thing that I absolutely *love* about current-ex-T is that he's so darn stable. He's been a T for 30+ years and doesn't get rattled by things. He's very dependable, and has gone to great lengths to reassure me that he won't kick me out, and that I can keep coming back, even if I quit (I can come back), and even if I'm not making any progress. I wish he was actually better at understanding my other stuff!!!

Here's what I wrote... hopefully I hit the right tone? Ugh. Life. So not easy!

Hi French T,

I got your message this morning, thanks for letting me know what happened.

I wanted to clarify that I wasn't diagnosed with DID (the consult was to rule that out), but with DD-NOS (Dissociative Disorder - Not Otherwise Specified).

DD-NOS is no longer included in the DSM, if I remember correctly, but was used as a "catch-all" diagnosis to indicate that dissociation is present, but that the client doesn't meet the criteria for DID. (The consultation was in 2001.)

I'm sorry that I wasn't able to communicate this better when we talked (stress!). I don't know if that changes anything for you, and if not, I completely understand and respect your decision.

Thanks,
-Guilloche

[guilloche]

Well, nope. No luck. He replied that he appreciates the clarification but that he has no training to deal with any type of dissociation. Sent me a referral to someone he knows. I'll look her up online, but ugh. I hate the entire industry of therapy.

[LostOnTheTrail]

Oh, Guilloche.....

I'm so sorry to hear this didn't work out. Your last post that I read was so positive. Wishing you all the best in finding somebody who can meet you where you are, and help you in the way that you wish.

Take care,

Lost

[guilloche]

Thanks LostOnTheTrail. I'm still really disappointed and a little teary. It's just been so so difficult to find someone that I actually like and can connect with, and who seems to understand me. For some reason, most therapists come across almost like a stereotype to me.

Maybe that's not fair, but it feels like there's a particular personality type that dominates the therapy field - and that personality is one that just doesn't mesh well with me, even though I'm not sure why? This guy seemed decidedly different in a good way, like someone that I could work with.

I looked up his recommendation online, and it's just more of the same blah - blah - I love helping people - type stuff, plus she's a bit farther from me, so I wouldn't be able to get down there b/c of work.

I sort of feel a lot of anger at old T #1. First, he didn't believe me when I talked about dissociative stuff, then he refused to say the word ("the d-word"), then he sent me for the consult which got me kicked out, after he assured me that he wouldn't use the results to kick me out. Now, the stupid effects of the consult are screwing up my ability to find a T that I like, 15 years later. Seriously, what the heck?

Ugh. Frustration. Aren't there any good alternatives to therapy? How on earth is this that hard?

[here today]

Originally Posted by guilloche

. . . it feels like there's a particular personality type that dominates the therapy field - and that personality is one that just doesn't mesh well with me, even though I'm not sure why?
. . .

It's seemed the same to me. I have several thoughts about maybe why. Would you like to discuss?

Originally Posted by guilloche

Well, nope. No luck. He replied that he appreciates the clarification but that he has no training to deal with any type of dissociation. Sent me a referral to someone he knows. I'll look her up online, but ugh. I hate the entire industry of therapy.

Nice of him to recommend someone. I wouldn't want a therapist who didn't know how to deal with dissociation. Seems like that would be pretty standard training for anyone who works with victims of any kind of abuse, PTSD, etc.

[growlycat]

Can his practice refer you to someone qualified? I'm so sorry!!!

[Luce]

I can relate so much to your frustration and pain, Guilloche. I am in a very similar boat right now. I am trying T number 5 in this city and am not sure of how she feels about the DID diagnosis yet. I am getting some mixed signals, one of which is to refer me to a psychiatrist for full evaluation ... but she added the comment "if you decide you can come back to me for therapy." I am feeling a little cautious right now.

Keep looking. If you stop, you will never find the t that can help you.

[itisnt]

I'm sorry that he disappointed you, Guilloche. I get it that his refusal to accept you as a client was hurtful and stung. I do think, however, that the fact that he was up front with you and told you that he wasn't equipped to give you the care you require says something about his honesty and ethical standards. I hate it when Ts take on clients even when they are unsure whether or not they have the training or ability to provide "good" care. That said, I know that doesn't lessen the pain or hurt you feel because it sounds from your previous post that you felt there was something about this individual that was intriguing and thoughtful when it came to your issues. I hope someone else with a similar level of thoughtfulness and care comes along for you. As others have said, please keep looking!

[guilloche]

I cried this evening until most of my mascara had run off of my face. I don't understand how I can feel such a loss after just one meeting. I think it just touches on all of the other past therapists who have either kicked me out (T #1) or told me that "you need more than I can offer".

It's so painful, because I feel like I'm doing a pretty amazing job of taking care of myself. I have a graduate degree (full scholarship), I'm employed (same job for 10 years now), I have a house that I've almost paid off. I've never taken drugs, never been on psych meds, never needed to be hospitalized for psych issues, and no suicide attempts.

Yet, all of these people see something in me that screams, "DANGER! Stay away!" There was even one that I was referred to by the specialist that diagnosed me - she seemed happy to be meeting with me when I contacted her by email, was telling me about her upcoming schedule so that we could figure out how and when we'd get started.... but after meeting in person, nope.

I don't yell at Ts. I pay my bills on time. I have never bounced a check. I've never complained about their fees or hours.

I just wanted to find somebody that actually felt like the type of person that I'd get along with and enjoy talking to - somebody who had a decent chance of really seeing and understanding me. I've had friends that understood me really, really well - but no Ts like that, even after years of seeing them. It's bizarre. And, I can't.

I've looked at the woman that he recommended. She doesn't have any kind of website or info about herself up online (this T has multiple sites and blogs, he's very open about himself, which was one thing that I like). She's too far... I have a job, I can't take off for 3 hours in the middle of the day to spend an hour (in traffic) driving out for a t-session. This guy was only about 20 minutes away.

Sigh. I'm sorry. It's just so screwed up. I really thought that he could be helpful. I felt such a huge sense of "non-pushiness" with him, and that's something I haven't honestly felt with any other T, and something that was so helpful.

I think I just need self-therapy at this point. I don't think I want to keep looking at Ts. I don't want to spend hundreds of dollars for first sessions that the T thinks are "intakes" and I think are "let's meet and see if it's a good fit" sessions. I don't want to go through all the insane anxiety of meeting a new T, trying to strike the right balance between providing information and not being scary, trying to protect myself when they barge ahead and start trying to take a trauma history before we've even said hello, and then after agonizing over whether I think it's a good fit and how I can afford it, finding out that they don't want to see me. It's just... brutal. Really.

And, I think maybe this is just... what my life is supposed to be. Alone and without support (except for the amazing people here, naturally!). Everything in my personal/family history has completely raised me to be self-sufficient and to not rely on anyone for anything, and every T that I'm now seeing seems to reinforce that.

Sorry I'm droopy. Probably need to go back to sleep.

Here Today - thanks. Yes, I'd love to hear your thoughts on why therapists all seem to fit a particular personality pattern. Not *all*, but 90%+ of them. My current-ex-T isn't like the others, but still isn't very helpful.

Lolagrace - thanks, and yeah, it was nice of him to recommend someone. But, she's a bit too far. And, it's hard... I was looking for a particular "click" that I found with him, but don't feel with what I know about her.

Thanks, Growlycat... yeah, he gave me the name of someone that he knows and likes. But, she doesn't have a lot of info online, and she's a little too far for me to get out there during the week. Plus, I don't feel like I'd click with her.

Hi Luce- It's so hard, isn't it!!! My first T didn't believe in *dissociation* at all, apparently. I didn't realize it.. I had just learned about it from reading online, and thought that it seemed really similar to what I do... when I brought it up to my T, he sort of freaked out. First he told me that it was just anxiety, then the next week he said something like, "so, you brought up the d-word" - too me a second to figure out what he was talking about. It's crazy.

Current-ex-T doesn't deal with dissociative stuff, but also very much normalized it, in his own blunt way ("everyone does that to some degree! you do know that, right?!"). He also told me that he thought the diagnosis and report were a bunch of BS, but he's always been very willing to hear about my experiences on thought on it, rather than shutting it down, and to followup and ask if I'm having any more symptoms with it.

It just all seems so messed up. I'm really tired of dealing with it. It seems that my experiences of therapy so far have done nothing but make me more stressed, and make my life harder. Le sigh!

[ruh roh]

I'm sorry. It's taxing to look for a therapist, to spend all that money just to find out if they are worth trying a second or third session, and to go through all the re-telling without knowing if they will really get it. And it has got to feel like hell to be turned down when you were willing to risk.

Please know that dissociation is not uncommon for trauma. What's uncommon is a therapist who says he treats trauma but will not work with dissociative people. That's like a sports medicine doctor who doesn't treat injuries. There is something wrong with that guy, I think, for him to do this. Maybe he's too new and unsure of himself.