When therapy is more about the therapeutic relationship than the actual therapy

I just had my session this morning and went in with a bunch of stuff that is not working for me in therapy with this therapist. I asked her if she could compromise on anything and she said that she couldn't. I was always of the opinion that I was supposed to be comfortable in therapy and if she can't meet me halfway on ANY of the 5 things than I need to look for someone else and that makes me very sad. Although, I feel more ready than ever before to either take a long break or look for someone else.

Here are the things that I brought up:

1. I want to have some type of rapport with her on anything so that when I walk into therapy that we don't have to just dive into it can ease into it. I can't stand how she just says, "Where would you like to begin?"

2. I don't like the blank slate and I can't understand why she won't answer basic questions that you could ask any cashier, clerk or random person and they'd answer.

3. I want her to help keep me accountable to work projects that just don't get done. She refuses to follow up on anything and wants me to bring it up. I could have open heart surgery and she would not ask me how it went.

4. I asked if she'd walk me to the door after our sessions as I don't like her staring at me while I get my stuff together. It is so awkward since it's not like we can have some chit chat to take the focus off of me a little.

5. I asked her if she can ever say something nice, like give a compliment once in a blue moon, but she doesn't do that either.

What frustrates me the most is that she responded saying that we need to talk more about it and why all of this is important to me. I do NOT want to spend weeks talking about our relationship. We spend far more time talking about how we relate than about my actual problems! I don't think that it's a good use of time, doesn't meet my goals etc....

So, I know that if I'm not happy and if she's not going to change that I need to look for someone else. I'm afraid that I might not find someone else that is as present as she is, she never yawns, looks at the clock, never takes notes or paints her nails is always on time and is very consistent and most of all she's very non-judgemental and very easy to talk to which is huge! I know that those are all good things! While I absolutely do not like the blank slate approach I do NOT want a new T to be an open book, I just want her to know some basic info about her.

So 2 questions....do you think that it's time to move on or do you think that I have a great therapist and should just drop all of the things that are bothering me? And have you ever been in a situation where the therapy is far more about the therapeutic relationship than the actual problems in life?

I would appreciate some support or encouragement here. Thanks in advance.

Think the same rule applies to therapeutic relationships as to regular relationships - if you're spending most of your time talking about the relationship, something's wrong.

Maybe she's a great therapist, I dunno. But every therapist I've seen has always been present, never yawned, never looked at the clock obtrusively, or paint their nails. (They did take notes, but I like that.) They were all also non-judgmental and two of them were consistent and all of them easy to talk to. So I don't know that it would be too hard to find a therapist that can also do those things, while doing stuff that you want, like complimenting or encouraging you, following up on stuff, etc.

It seems to me that if this stuff is bothering you as much as it seems to, start looking for someone new. You may have gotten as much mileage out of this one as you can. Time for a trade-in!

I was perhaps in a similar situation with my last T last year, especially last spring. You are not alone. I have some perspective and conclusions from my own situation but I’m not sure that would help much. Weighing the pros and cons of a relationship is probably something that is important for lots of us to learn and which therapy can be a “practice” environment for – at least maybe sometimes.

Sounds like her therapy approach is not at all what you are looking for. It seems a bit stilted and cold; wouldn't work me either. I doubt you will change that. You can either spend weeks and months analyzing why this isn't working for you, or you can accept it isn't working for you now and move on. It doesn't sound like these are things that you will be able to just overlook, drop, and continue with.

Personally, I've never had my therapy become more about the therapy relationship than me. That would be a red flag to me. I don't really believe that therapy HAS to be about the relationship at all and can be entirely effective without all the complication of that. I have had good working relationships with my therapists, but they were comfortable, fairly open, and always focused on what I needed to do to heal and move on. They never got bogged down in the therapy relationship. I know that for many people, the relationship is everything in therapy, but for me, that just seems like it would add more complication and misery to an already complicated me. I don't need the therapy relationship to bring on more problems for me; if it does, then somewhere we've lost the plot. Others here will definitely disagree with me on this. I only know what works for me. The fact is, YOU have to know what YOU need in YOUR therapy. Seek it out.

She probably acts like that with all her clients. Its a ritual she goes thru x times a day, every day. She chose these boundaries and maybe never varies from them. Does that make it easier for you to accept, that its not "just you"? It IS "just her" - its how shes chosen to run her business, and its all in the realm of acceptable for a t.

So why not just look at the question of what it means to you personally with her? Maybe you will discover that you do want more flexibility lets call it from your t for a specific reason. Maybe discovering that reason will be enough for you to find ways to get that flexibility from other people in your life. Maybe youll discover there is no way, in which case yeah move on. Thats kinda what i did with hugs.

I don't think you have a grasp on what therapy is. And how talking About the relationship is actually good work. And will bring great insights into how you function in all your relationships.

Hi Confused,

I am going to go out on a limb here and suggest you to get the hell out of this situation. Yeah, I think you should move on and not waste any of your time on this "relationship" nonsense. This is one of the things that enrage me about the current system - the fact that this kind of nonsense is an acceptable "therapeutic" approach. This is also one of the things that harmed me a great deal in my own therapy because I went along with the idea that the "relationship" should be "explored" even when it was at the expense of neglecting everything else I came to get help with. I really hope you won't let yourself to get sucked into that swamp, especially when it feels wrong to you already. If the therapist can't or won't provide the type of help you are looking for, don't second guess yourself. Just leave and keep looking for what you need. You are a consumer and it's your call to continue with the service or not.

If you want more input or elaboration, you may PM me. I am not in the mood for public debates on this subject. I just wanted to give you my support since you asked for it. I do hope it came across that way.

The only right way to do therapy is the way that works for you. If this isn't working (sounds absolutely horrible to me), it's fine to move on and find one who has an approach that does.

It sounds like you feel and are very ready to move on from this. And even if you can't find something more helpful, you can always come back to this lady. It seems that the possible benefits could be significant and if you can come back to this lady, then the risk seems low.

Maybe a less relational approach would be more beneficial to you right now. It sounds as though your t does not want to do the things you ask her, it sounds as if she gets a bit defensive and projects it back to you by saying " why is this important for you?" I think you have explained why these things are important to you and yet she unwilling to cooperate. I am thinking that CBT might be good because it is solution focussed and could help you be accountable for your projects you have been avoiding.

Yes, talking about the therapeutic relationship and how you two relate is beneficial, but when it becomes the focus of therapy and overrides your initial needs and goals, I think that's a big problem. Based on what you write here, it sounds like the two of you simply are not a match. I don't think your t will ever change her boundaries to meet your requests. So you either have to accept this is the way things are or move on. Could you try meeting with another therapist or two before making a final decision on this t?

For what it's worth, I didn't get the sense from your original post that your therapist wants to talk about your therapy relationship at all. What I get from it is that you want there to be a relationship, and she wants to focus specifically on you, and in such a way that's not tolerable to you (it wouldn't be to me, either). So maybe look for one that's more relational, where there's more engagement from the therapist?

It sounds like her modality just isn't a good fit for you, someone suggested CBT and it would cersinky hold you accountable, give you exercusss focussed on your goals and be much less about the relationship. If it's not meeting your needs, move on.

Maybe I'm missing something but I don't understand how "talking about why these things are important to you" is the same as "talking about the relationship." How you relate to her (or not) probably can tell you something about how you relate to people in general, though.

I guess your T sounds a bit like my T in some ways--no small talk, no compliments, no prompts for what to discuss-- so none of the things you mention would be deal-breakers for me. But if they're deal-breakers for you, then yes, you may need to find a T more able or willing to do those things.

Thank you so much everyone. I really appreciate all of the advice and opinions. I think that I'm going to tell her that I'm taking a break and will contact her when I want another appointment. I'll then check out a couple of other therapists and pick a new one that is NOT a blank slate and who I feel comfortable with. I can't imagine going back to current T but I want to leave the door open to come back if I ever want to. However, I think that chance of that are very slim, but it's comforting to me to keep it open ended.

I think your plan of taking a break and checking out some other ts is a good one. I have had several-I don't think that the things that your current t does that you like are hard to find.

I do not like the "why is that important to you?" question. I think it is a way of avoiding the issue and is just a phrase that is used to deflect attention. To me, the things that you want from the relationship are normal things to want from anyone.

Kinda sounds like you are looking for basic human connection, someone to care about what is going on in your life, and who pushes you a little. Something like a friend.

I found that therapy naturally brought out these needs, but couldn't fulfill them, while also making me feel weird for wanting such things. Plus the ambiguity of personal vs professional drove me insane. Horrible feeling to need normal connection but to get only a calculated detachment.

How would you characterize the ideal therapy relationship? If the relationship itself isnt the central thing, what is?

Btw, sounds like your therapist has it easy. Gets paid to sit and talk, doesn't have to answer any questions, doesn't follow up on things or get too involved.

ruh roh, your post was incredibly insightful. It sounds spot on with what seems to me to be going on. (which is just my opinion and not an assertion of what is true for the OP)

It seems to me that she's not the one wanting to talk about the relationship. SoConfused623 it seems like you want more of a relationship but she has boundaries that preclude the kind of relationship you are looking for for support.

Can you give us more of the story that explains what you mean about her continually wanting to talk about your relationship?

I agree with what Ruh Roh said also. I think you want more from the relationship than she is willing to give. She actually sounds like all the therapists I have had. As time went by they got looser boundaries though. Yours might. I don't know. All mine usually started the session by what do you want to talk about today, rarely followed up on homework, never asked questions about how I am doing. I learned to be assertive sometimes though. You might have to also.

So this is an excerpt from my original post, "What frustrates me the most is that she responded saying that we need to talk more about it and why all of this is important to me. I do NOT want to spend weeks talking about our relationship. We spend far more time talking about how we relate than about my actual problems! I don't think that it's a good use of time, doesn't meet my goals etc...."

Maybe what I should have written is spending time talking about our LACK of relationship. To be clear, I'm not looking for a full fledged relationship/friendship or anything like that. I just want to have a rapport with her on something simple like travel, TV shows or sports etc.... Just something to chit chat about when we start off the sessions and when we end since it's so uncomfortable as it is now. However, I also want to know just a little bit of her background like where she's from, if she is married, has kids etc...and since she won't answer those types of questions, I just randomly asked if she liked pizza which I do NOT care if she does or not, I just wanted her to tell me something/anything! I got frustrated about her not engaging with me on anything and when she left me a message to change my appointment time she said, "I know that you had a lot of feelings come up in our last session so let's just keep talking about them." So you can call it talking about our relationship or lack of relationship. Hope this helps make things clearer. Thanks again everyone!

PS: I was confiding in a colleague/friend of mine about how tough therapy has been and my colleague gave me a glowing recommendation of her therapist who is NOT a blank slate and said that I should make an appointment with her. I thought that she was just saying it but this morning she emailed me all of of the contact info for her therapist.

I called thinking I could leave a message on her machine and she answered! I was so caught off guard. I spoke to her briefly and she said that as long as I have a flexible schedule which I do, that she could see me. She asked me to email her because she was driving and also mentioned that she didn't think that she has any appointments until the 2nd week of December which I said was fine because I wasn't in a crisis. Also turns out that she takes my insurance! I'm trying to be cautiously optimistic and will keep everyone posted.