[SoConfused623]

Soooo, I've been complaining about how my current T is a blank slate for a while now and decided that it was time to look for a new T. To that end, I have an appointment with 1st new T on Monday and the 2nd one on Thursday and then I have my current T a week from Monday so I should be able to choose next week and tell current T at our next/last appointment.

That part that I need advice on is what do I tell and not tell the new Ts? In my brief email to them both I mentioned that I do NOT want a blank slate T since that's what I currently have. I also had some very strong feelings for my current T for about a year where I thought about her 24/7 and I really believed that it interfered with my job. (I'm an independent contractor) It was not maternal and certainly not erotic. It was mostly that I put her on big pedestal and thought of her constantly.

I really think that I need to talk through and process the relationship with current T with a new T, but how much do I say? I don't want to scare anyone off! I don't think that I should mention that I ended up google-stalking my current T, but that was a big part of our relationship and after I disclosed it to her it all kind of went downhill from there. She was angry and I was never able to completely open up to her again even when she said that she wasn't mad anymore. I still think that she didn't disclose anything at all, even trivial little things as a punishment to me.

Have any of you found a new T to help you process the relationship with the old T? How candid were you? Do you have any recommendations for things to say or not say? Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks!

I did find a new T to process my relationship with old T. It helped that at the time I felt nothing for new T and I was able to tell him that (this has changed over time but he's been fine with it so far). I took my disclosure quite slowly and I think I went out of my way to point out that I didn't feel that way about current T probably more than I needed to (current T even confessed to having felt some rivalry with T1 in the beginning which he had to keep a check on).
I say take it slowly and gauge the reaction of your Ts as you go along. Good luck!

[mostlylurking]

Sorry if this is a slight tangent, but I don't understand why T's haven't realized by now that internet searching is inevitable from some of their clients. I brought this up with my T and he seemed totally unaware of it. Since he teaches students who are on their way to being T's, I was telling them that -- regardless of ethics -- the practical reality is that T's have to lock down social media privacy settings and the like (and so do their spouses). It might not be fair, but google stalking is just a given from a certain proportion of clients. I think you're right not to mention it to them right off the bat, but I also think it's remarkable how many of them are still surprised by this! The information asymmetry, attachment, and limited time with our T's virtually guarantees half of us are going to snap and go googling at some point in the course of therapy.

Good luck SoConfused!

[runlola72]

I guess it depends. Do you think your obsession was one-off? Was it something specific about her, or could you see yourself doing it again? Did you do a pre-first session Google stalk on any of your potential T's to see what you might be getting into? If it seems they are all locked down on fb etc, maybe they would be less worried addressing clients with obsessive issues? On the other hand, if you are already able to see pics from their latest trip to Bermuda with their significant other, maybe that would be a red flag.

I am sending hugely positive vibes your way for the BEST therapist. Keep us posted.

[SoConfused623]

Thanks for the great replies so far! Does anyone else have experience with talking to a new T about the relationship with an old T? I'm especially sensitive to this because in my many years as a Realtor I've had a few times where folks were switching from their old Realtor and would complain about them, and if there was any doubt in my mind, I'd always side (silently) with the Realtor...

[ruh roh]

I have talked about previous therapist issues, to a limited extent, though. Mostly, I talk about the impact those experiences have had on me. I have the same concern you do about professional allegiance, even though my therapist hasn't indicated sympathy for the therapists (the opposite, in fact), but I am still cautious.

[awkwardlyyours]

I've talked a lot to current T about former T -- I don't think current T necessarily believes (and I don't need her to) that former T sucks as much as I say she does.

But, current T has unequivocally validated whatever I've said and even stopped me from taking on any blame for whatever happened with former T (nothing terrible, just an all-round lousy fit).

When I was T-shopping, that was one of my (unstated) requirements -- that the new T not automatically side with my old T. The Ts I met ranged in reactions from instamatically pushing back and trying to get me to 'see' former T's viewpoint to sort of, kind of empathizing but then immediately falling back on how it's all my transference (which was also former T's line).

It was only current T who didn't straight up disbelieve me -- in the first session, she mentioned projective identification as a possibility for whatever was happening with former T and while I don't necessarily think that covers it, the fact that she was willing to go there and state it as a possibility really made all the difference.

[SoConfused623]

Originally Posted by runlola72

I guess it depends. Do you think your obsession was one-off? Was it something specific about her, or could you see yourself doing it again? Did you do a pre-first session Google stalk on any of your potential T's to see what you might be getting into? If it seems they are all locked down on fb etc, maybe they would be less worried addressing clients with obsessive issues? On the other hand, if you are already able to see pics from their latest trip to Bermuda with their significant other, maybe that would be a red flag.

I am sending hugely positive vibes your way for the BEST therapist. Keep us posted.

Thanks so much Lola! I think that this obsession with her was unusual for me and probably won't happen again. I've had other Ts and never had that happen. Plus, I've never had another T who was so secretive about everything!

I did a quick Google search and there is a lot of info on them from Psychology Today whereas my current T is not even on there? Don't they have to be? I'm not sure how Psych. Today works in terms of what the requirements are for a T to be listed there.....

I could not find either of them on Facebook but they both have pretty common names and so it would be hard to find. I really think that if they'll just answer simple questions that I won't have the obsession or motivation to search them so heavily!

I will post in "In Session Today" after each appointment to let everyone know how it goes.

[atisketatasket]

I have the idea you have to pay to be listed on Psychology Today.

[BrazenApogee]

T's list themselves on Psychology Today when they are looking for new clients. It's kinda like a T "client wanted" site. So, no, not all T's are on there. Not everyone has a Facebook page either. I deleted mine a few years ago, and have no interest in opening another. I just don't like the site.

I goggled my T when I first started seeing him, mostly cause my last T was bad, and I googled too late to find out he'd been bad with other people. So frankly, I see nothing wrong with googling a new T to find out who they are.

I do google T when he goes on long vacations, and that's mostly because I miss him. I've never told him, and I'm ok with it. All I find is that he is a healthy, happy, well rounded person with good relationships. This makes me feel better, because I know he practices what he preaches.

I did see him after bad T. I didn't talk too much about bad T, except he had bad boundaries. Since then I've disclosed some of the things bad T did, but I was always careful to try not to compare. I didn't want current T feel like I was measuring him to bad T. I was more concerned if New T was Good T.