[Buffyfaithlvr86]

I am on day 2 of suffering from trauma related symptoms of my termination with my therapist. I had written her an email about struggling from an unwanted crush on her that had felt obsessive in ways. I would think of how she would react to each situation i experienced in my daily life. I reached out to her in that email because I was afraid to talk about it in session. When I went into my session yesterday she had brought up the email and my fear of termination came true. I was absolutely devastated. It was an excruciating 45 minutes. As I clenched back tears she went on to tell me that basically we hit a wall and that she cannot help me get through this because its a in line with a dual relationship. She referred me to her colleague she's gotten advice from with my issues with boundaries that I've struggled for years. She did leave me with assurance that if I work through it I might return back to her. She mentioned while talking about her contract that she is allowed contact or friendship 2 years after termination. She also said she would help me to find another therapist if it didn't work with the colleague. Today I received an email in response to several questions I had about the transfer, stating upon further thought she would not be accepting me back. The return of trauma feelings has been so overwhelming that I began cutting again and am in excruciating emotional pain. How do I detach from her? How do I refrain from contact and stop thinking of her and the actual lessons I've learned from her? She was an amazing therapist I have just destroyed any chance of therapeutic relationship and pretty certain I won't be gaining the friend I had wanted in 2 years from now.

[mostlylurking]

Buffyfaithlvr, I'm so sorry. (I think maybe your post got delayed because you're new or because they wanted to add a trigger warning? I didn't see it earlier.)

This sounds really awful. I'm so sorry she did this. Some T's are able to work with transference / crushes really well, some try to deal with it and do it badly, but I think it's crap to not even try to work with it. I know you felt she was an amazing therapist, but she did not treat you kindly in this case. To terminate you with no chance of even discussing it, with no termination sessions, just feels cruel.

You aren't alone in this pain, others here have gone through it and survived it. I hope you keep posting here and reading posts, I think it will help.

Your T didn't do what she did because there's anything wrong with you or your feelings / attachment to her. She did it because she's ignorant or ill-equipped or perhaps had some trauma in her professional past that makes her unable to deal with this. Whatever it is -- and I'm not trying to blame her in an angry way -- but the fault is hers. You are not at fault. Your feelings are what they are; feelings cannot be "wrong." Transference and internalizing the T and having attachment or even obsessive attachment are all common occurrences among clients. You've done nothing out of the ordinary. You don't need to punish yourself with cutting, but perhaps you need to grieve for yourself that you've been badly treated by someone you should have been able to trust, and that is traumatic indeed.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Buffyfaithlvr86: I'm sorry you've had this unfortunate experience. From my perspective the answer here is to work through all of what you're feeling with the new therapist. The reality is, as you well know, you can't turn back the clock. You can only move forward. So, from my perspective, that's what you need to do.

This appears to be your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

[ruh roh]

Oh, man. This hurts to read. What an insensitive way to handle things. And what a time of year, too. I'm really sorry.

[growlycat]

Welcome to PC but I'm sorry you are joining under painful circumstances.

If I may be blunt...this therapist is an idiot. Transference even erotic transference is common in therapy. Working through it is. BIG PART of therapy itself. Either she is poorly informed or educated or she may have had feelings for you too. She is vastly misunderstanding what a dual relationship is. Transference feelings do not equal a dual relationship!!!! If she were to act on her own feelings it would be but you revealing your own feelings is part of therapy.

I know it is painfu but you may have dodged a bullet here. She sounds grossly untrained. Hugs to you if wanted and keep posting.

Ps just curious if she is either a very young therapist or a religious counselor ?

[Soccer mom]

I agree. You need to find a therapist who can handle all of your feelings and you know she won't terminate you.
I was terminated a year ago for my "decisions due to my transference". I felt complete shame and that something was wrong with me yet everything I read pointed to her. I found another therapist and was very upfront that I had ET with old T. and need someone who isn't afraid of me having feelings towards them.
She took me on and it's been wonderful. She makes all of my feelings normal and has had to repeat over and over that my feelings won't ruin our relationship.
One thing that you said concerned me - that you lost any chance of friendship. I know that happens but I think once we see our T's in their normal life, they aren't exactly how I imagine. I think it's hard to keep a friendship after therapy. I had the exact same feelings but now realize I was just hoping for that so I would never lose her.

These next few months will be hard, no doubt. But, please seek other therapists. My ex-T. wouldn't refer me or recommend anyone but that's probably a good thing. My current T. and ex don't know each other so it was easier for me to complain. I have been talking about my experience for a year now and am just now ready to let it go. So, give yourself time and start interviewing other therapists.

This site is great and so many have been through the same thing!

[hopealwayz]

I've been through the same thing and can relate. I'm still trying to get over it now.

[Out There]

Welcome to the forum. I'm sorry about the circumstances that have brought you here , unfortunately it does happen and it's very painful , and many have experienced similar.

[Buffyfaithlvr86]

We had discussed it briefly in the past but it mostly was deemed to be transference/counter transference. I just always found her very relatable and 'my type'. Even before meeting her, setting an appointment over the phone I sensed that she was attractive and had actually looked her up to research her experience and saw that she was very attractive in the image of herself on her website. I feel that I've been very self aware throughout my therapy experience with her and my attraction to her was meddlesome at times. I genuinely felt she cared about me and that wanting it to be friendly I created somewhat of a safe space where we'd laugh on occasion and talk about political things where she recommended things like SNL for comedic relief. I'm sharing these details to see if anything sticks out that maybe I am unable to see clearly. I do think that perhaps my attachment has caused a barrier from the actual therapy. Perhaps she developed friendly thoughts of me, or maybe I'm just digging for the reality to be less painful.

Originally Posted by mostlylurking

Buffyfaithlvr, I'm so sorry. (I think maybe your post got delayed because you're new or because they wanted to add a trigger warning? I didn't see it earlier.)

This sounds really awful. I'm so sorry she did this. Some T's are able to work with transference / crushes really well, some try to deal with it and do it badly, but I think it's crap to not even try to work with it. I know you felt she was an amazing therapist, but she did not treat you kindly in this case. To terminate you with no chance of even discussing it, with no termination sessions, just feels cruel.

You aren't alone in this pain, others here have gone through it and survived it. I hope you keep posting here and reading posts, I think it will help.

Your T didn't do what she did because there's anything wrong with you or your feelings / attachment to her. She did it because she's ignorant or ill-equipped or perhaps had some trauma in her professional past that makes her unable to deal with this. Whatever it is -- and I'm not trying to blame her in an angry way -- but the fault is hers. You are not at fault. Your feelings are what they are; feelings cannot be "wrong." Transference and internalizing the T and having attachment or even obsessive attachment are all common occurrences among clients. You've done nothing out of the ordinary. You don't need to punish yourself with cutting, but perhaps you need to grieve for yourself that you've been badly treated by someone you should have been able to trust, and that is traumatic indeed.

[Buffyfaithlvr86]

Thank you I will absolutely be getting my moneys worth out of her colleague! I will make it clear that I struggle with boundaries and attachments. I am worried that along the way I might develop resentment towards her for advising our sessions end. And it feels a little bizarre to be seeing this woman who has been providing advice several times throughout my sessions with the old T. But its what she had recommended and perhaps it will be best for me. Thank you for welcoming me. I might stay a while!

Originally Posted by Skeezyks

Hello Buffyfaithlvr86: I'm sorry you've had this unfortunate experience. From my perspective the answer here is to work through all of what you're feeling with the new therapist. The reality is, as you well know, you can't turn back the clock. You can only move forward. So, from my perspective, that's what you need to do.

This appears to be your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

[Buffyfaithlvr86]

It was just days before my 30th bday and she was asking me my plans in my last session. She kept trying to distract me from my emotions in that session by making me laugh, I felt she cared and might have gone beyond her means to help. Thank you for your reply and empathy

Originally Posted by ruh roh

Oh, man. This hurts to read. What an insensitive way to handle things. And what a time of year, too. I'm really sorry.

[Buffyfaithlvr86]

Thank you, I am glad to have found an outlet!

I think that she doesn't have a lot of experience with trauma victims and not much experience with my level of attachment. I think I made it hard for her to set the boundaries because I kept pushing them. We've spoken about not contacting out of therapy several times and I wasn't doing well with my impulse control. My email to her was a clear acknowledgment of crossing boundaries but for the sake of getting it all out and working through it. I think she could be trying to show me negative things that occur from crossing boundaries. I guess I'll try out the new T and try to find peace with why it ended especially so abruptly. Shes possibly mid thirties, not much older than me and as far as religion goes I've never seen any indication of religion but saw a few Buddhist trinkets in her office.

Originally Posted by growlycat

Welcome to PC but I'm sorry you are joining under painful circumstances.

If I may be blunt...this therapist is an idiot. Transference even erotic transference is common in therapy. Working through it is. BIG PART of therapy itself. Either she is poorly informed or educated or she may have had feelings for you too. She is vastly misunderstanding what a dual relationship is. Transference feelings do not equal a dual relationship!!!! If she were to act on her own feelings it would be but you revealing your own feelings is part of therapy.

I know it is painfu but you may have dodged a bullet here. She sounds grossly untrained. Hugs to you if wanted and keep posting.

Ps just curious if she is either a very young therapist or a religious counselor ?

[junkDNA]

Perhaps this T felt countertransference? In that case I think she did the right thing, it could have ended up way worse. If she is ill equipped to deal with trauma and attachment, and continued seeing you, it may end up being retraumatizing. I'm not suggesting this as a way to say your heartbreak is invalid. I can't imagine how much it would hurt me if my T did something similar. I guess I'm just offering a different perspective, and I'm not saying that my opinion is fact, just something else to consider

[Buffyfaithlvr86]

Thank you very much for your feedback and perspective and sorry that you had a similar experience!
I think she just wasn't equipped to manage my level of attachment and since she kept telling me she asked her colleague for her opinion, that perhaps she felt unable to get through to me. She didn't feel she could help me with my attachment to her and perhaps she could have tried, or did try but was a fail. The fact she told me she would help me transfer and went as far as to call me to set up an appointment with her colleague left me feeling she genuinely cares for me and perhaps it got in the way. My child-self is present through pain and I've considered it affecting her maternal side. I've also reminded her of her mother, giving beyond my means. I just really admire the person she showed me in session and based on similar interests I imagined a friendship blossoming. I don't take lightly the positive effects people have on me, even if this termination feels like agony if it leads to a happier me then I will forever be grateful to her and I see myself wanting to express it in the future. If I am in a better state of mind I might.

Originally Posted by Soccer mom

I agree. You need to find a therapist who can handle all of your feelings and you know she won't terminate you.
I was terminated a year ago for my "decisions due to my transference". I felt complete shame and that something was wrong with me yet everything I read pointed to her. I found another therapist and was very upfront that I had ET with old T. and need someone who isn't afraid of me having feelings towards them.
She took me on and it's been wonderful. She makes all of my feelings normal and has had to repeat over and over that my feelings won't ruin our relationship.
One thing that you said concerned me - that you lost any chance of friendship. I know that happens but I think once we see our T's in their normal life, they aren't exactly how I imagine. I think it's hard to keep a friendship after therapy. I had the exact same feelings but now realize I was just hoping for that so I would never lose her.

These next few months will be hard, no doubt. But, please seek other therapists. My ex-T. wouldn't refer me or recommend anyone but that's probably a good thing. My current T. and ex don't know each other so it was easier for me to complain. I have been talking about my experience for a year now and am just now ready to let it go. So, give yourself time and start interviewing other therapists.

This site is great and so many have been through the same thing!

[Buffyfaithlvr86]

I'm very sorry to hear that you are suffering from this also, i find myself regretting my admission to her. I needed so badly to have the consistency of appointments with her and I am sad that I have to try and grieve for her, because she isn't going to be in my life anymore. Its so confusing and has left me feeling worse than when I started seeing her. The only comfort I have for now is she cared enough to send me to her trusted colleague.
I hope that you are able to find comfort or solace for your pain, and if you need to reach out to someone for support I am here!

Originally Posted by hopealwayz

I've been through the same thing and can relate. I'm still trying to get over it now.

[Buffyfaithlvr86]

Originally Posted by junkDNA

Perhaps this T felt countertransference? In that case I think she did the right thing, it could have ended up way worse. If she is ill equipped to deal with trauma and attachment, and continued seeing you, it may end up being retraumatizing. I'm not suggesting this as a way to say your heartbreak is invalid. I can't imagine how much it would hurt me if my T did something similar. I guess I'm just offering a different perspective, and I'm not saying that my opinion is fact, just something else to consider

I think that it is very possible that she was having difficulties like you had described. I am at the point where it hurts me to have to experience this but imagining it escalating, I feel I wouldn't have survived it. Its the sudden death feeling I'm experiencing. A pivotal person in my life just left it, perhaps a better way to describe it would to be a sudden breakup. I've never been dumped so maybe its made it more raw and intense for me. Overall I experience emotions in extreme waves. She had just been discussing DBT therapy with me in our previous session.
Thank you for your positive perspective on this traumatic event. Its truly what I need to keep me from blaming myself.

[Inner_Firefly]

I support you! You didn't do anything wrong at all. A good therapist should be able to handle and support all your feelings. I'm so sorry. This must feel extremely painful.

[Wonderfalls]

I would take some of the replies here as describing working sessions. If I don't have at least a theme to talk about I feel like I've wasted the session and frustrated my therapist, which makes me feel bad. Unfortunately I have a session tomorrow. It came more quickly than I realized because of the altered holiday schedule and I'm not at all ready for it. No successes, no struggles, no activities and we already talked about politics the last two sessions; that's the thing scaring and angering me the most. Can someone give me any ideas? Some standard thing they fall back on?

[Buffyfaithlvr86]

Originally Posted by Inner_Firefly

I support you! You didn't do anything wrong at all. A good therapist should be able to handle and support all your feelings. I'm so sorry. This must feel extremely painful.

Thank you for the much needed support! I have feelings for her and am not able to really trust my gut on our therapeutic relationship and whether it was her failure but I am getting the idea that things may not have been as I had thought they were.

[Buffyfaithlvr86]

Originally Posted by Wonderfalls

I would take some of the replies here as describing working sessions. If I don't have at least a theme to talk about I feel like I've wasted the session and frustrated my therapist, which makes me feel bad. Unfortunately I have a session tomorrow. It came more quickly than I realized because of the altered holiday schedule and I'm not at all ready for it. No successes, no struggles, no activities and we already talked about politics the last two sessions; that's the thing scaring and angering me the most. Can someone give me any ideas? Some standard thing they fall back on?

I recommend thinking of the reasons you are seeing the T and if there's been progress or lack of and what you would like to change in your life if anything at all. There aren't many topics that you can't discuss with a good T and what I've learned from mine about her other patients is that sometimes there isn't a problem and they get people who small talk the entire time. Don't feel bad at all and I'm positive they won't be frustrated.

I am very sorry you have experienced this. I think this therapist is selfish and unskilled. Even if she had countertransference and felt it necessary to refer you on, this is not the way to present and handle it. And what's up with saying "she is allowed contact or friendship 2 years after termination"? That is very insensitive and professionally inappropriate to say in such a situation.

[ruh roh]

Thanks for explaining more about what happened. You describe a therapist who doesn't have enough experience to know how to handle between session contact in such a way that it's contained; it's therapeutic. If she saw it as a dual relationship, then she may have view it as some kind of quasi friendship rather than a therapy tool. It takes skill and confidence for a therapist to know how to handle between session contact. I hope it works out for you with the other therapist.

[BudFox]

I went thru something quite similar. I tend to take a hard line on these things. Some thoughts:

1) This is fundamentally utter bulls**t. You did what you are supposed to do -- open up and express feelings and needs. That is the whole point. You only did so, presumably, because you were encouraged. And because there were implicit or explicit promises that it was toward some beneficial end.

2) To then have it blow up in your face, because she could not handle it, or did not WANT to handle it, is a horrible betrayal. It's absurd. They say do this, then when you do, they say that is unacceptable. OMG. Not your fault.

3) What she appears to be missing, same as my therapist, is that such things should be discussed TOGETHER. When therapists force endings like this, it is not only traumatic in terms of abandonment dynamics, it also creates horrific feelings of powerlessness and shame.

4) My therapist also said we could possibly resume contact once I had "worked through" the issues. Then later she changed her mind. This is another monstrous betrayal.

5) Sorry this happened. I would be very wary around other therapists when discussing this. Don't accept any of their attempts to steer this back to you in terms of accountability. Many wanted to make this about my "issues" when primarily it was about therapy insanity. My way through was to distance myself from therapists and talk to clients instead.

[Buffyfaithlvr86]

I have to ask everyones input on this email correspondence. (Here is the email that led to termination: )

I am writing this in email because I feel the urge to get this off my chest about the subject of boundaries. Of course, in doing so I am not following strict boundaries set for me. I just think jotting it down is important and whether I decide to send this email by the end is completely depending on how strong the urge/impulse overrules my sense of control over said impulses.
I have made progress in getting rid of katie and Lauren but I am struggling with boundaries with you and it largely is because I am attracted and have let it become a crush that I am embarrassed to have. Mostly embarrassed because I know there are no feelings or mutual attraction and that there will never be, but I am struggling with accepting it and moving forward. I strongly wish to continue my therapy with you because I think that I've made more progress in the months I've been seeing you than I have ever with any other therapist I've seen or even in general on my own. This is why I've been having difficulties bringing it up in our sessions and why I feel necessary to write out this ridiculously long email. Fear of you deciding its a bad idea or it will hinder my progress, which I am hoping won't happen but a strong insecurity.

I won't be able to read all of this to you in session so I'm contemplating sending and being at your mercy for whether you respond or I wait to hear in next weeks session how I once again failed at this boundary thing. I think that I am in an obsessive mode and not quite sure where else to direct it. I've bounced from so many different attractions that I've finally landed on a person who feels safe, because I know that you being a good therapist have my best interest. I wish I wasn't such a wuss so I could have said this sooner and I truly hope that we can talk about it without feeling too uncomfortable...as normal as this might be I'm still very embarrassed.

(As well as a request to have a recap of a phone call from her the same day: )

I'm so sorry to be asking this but I want to make sure I absorbed what you said yesterday. My co worker lenny had picked me up right as you called and I should have waited to take the call or called you back. So to clarify, you said that your colleague wants to start from scratch and will be handling any and all transfers from this point on? Will I be able to talk with her about the termination or transfer of me as your patient without any dual relationship? And do I not communicate with you at all from this point on? I'm sorry I'm just confused on steps to this process.

Thank you for any and all answers, and I understand if you can't reply.

(And here is her reply to my request for recap
Hi, yes no problem. H will now be responsible for your treatment and making decisions with you from this point forward. Based on ethical treatment guidelines and because there has been an identified conflict of interest, our therapeutic relationship has ended, the transfer has been initiated, and our contact will cease from this point. After further thought, I do believe that it's also in your best interest for us not to re-engage in a therapeutic relationship in the future due to the identified conflict. This is done to protect your interest as the client and so that you can make the best progress in therapy without any bias.

Yes you can discuss any related feelings about transfer and such with her, I'm sure that will be part of the process. If you need to speak with H before the appointment, her number is (private)

I will put your official discharge paperwork in the mail. If you have any escalating feelings or unsafe behaviors before your appointment with H, you can contact your local ER, call 911 or see your PCP.

I wish you good luck and progress with your treatment.
Thank you,
M

(I sent my final email in response and acknowledgement

Okay thank you. I'll go ahead and assume in 2 years it will be ill advised to have contact also. I just want to thank you for helping the best you could considering the wall we hit. I will not forget the ways you've helped and I'm sure I'll get through this with Heather. I'm very sorry this is happening, and understand that being honest is crucial to my mental health. I will not contact any further and I truly am thankful for the safe space you offered me.

A

[BudFox]

Originally Posted by Buffyfaithlvr86

Hi, yes no problem. H will now be responsible for your treatment and making decisions with you from this point forward. Based on ethical treatment guidelines and because there has been an identified conflict of interest, our therapeutic relationship has ended, the transfer has been initiated, and our contact will cease from this point. After further thought, I do believe that it's also in your best interest for us not to re-engage in a therapeutic relationship in the future due to the identified conflict. This is done to protect your interest as the client and so that you can make the best progress in therapy without any bias.

My personal opinion is that this is poisonous. There is nothing ethical about it. It is dictatorial and domineering. Deciding what is in your "best interest" without consulting you is infantilizing and irrational. I find the vagueness of it and the trite reassurances insulting. The official-sounding language is an attempt, I think, to cover up total failure. My therapist pulled the same thing and spoke in the same pretentious way, pretending to be a healthcare provider giving "treatment" when what she really did was have an ambiguous and damaging quasi-relationship with me, and then run for the hills when it got too intense FOR HER.

Sorry I am cynical.

What exactly is the conflict of interest? That you have feelings for her?