My T's Boundary

I'm the 'wall erector' but my T's boundary of no hugs feels like a wall that she's erected. If she doesn't have to be vulnerable why should I?
This stuff really sucks, but thanks for letting me rant.
I feel like if I can't reconcile this rejection I won't be able to go back.

I do not hug ts (nor much of anyone else), but I am curious about your statement that hugging you would make your t vulnerable. But then I am not good at being vulnerable either, so maybe I am just really missing the boat.

In my head my T won't hug because it's too much affection, not sure if that's right or not. We are still discussing it but I keep getting angrier about it. I know and acknowledge that alot of my feelings towards/about T are really about my mother, and this may be one of them which may be part of the reason why T won't hug me. But she has also told me she doesn't hug her own T which to me means there's also some element of truly 'her' in this and not just maternal transference.
So simple and so freaking complicated. Can't hug sometimes be a hug?

Thank you. Interesting to me because I will hug when I am the one with more power, that isn't scary to me. It doesn't feel risky at all.

Yes!

T and I have not ever touched, not even a handshake. I got the impression from the beginning that was a boundary for her. By time we got to where we might talk about touch, transference was well in affect. Now, it has become this "monster" of an issue/boundary/wall for me. I wish I could get some physical contact of some sort from her, but I think if I did, it would create an emotional storm that I would not be able to handle.

Then again, she might just be sitting back waiting for me to ask for it.

Complicated!!!

I never accepted the asymmetry of the relationship. I was in permanent revolt against it. I still am.

Hi wheeler,

Did you talk with your therapist about this since you posted?

Really sorry she doesn't hug. Wondering if you went back or are sticking with her.

I don't care if the woman is vulnerable or not. I pay them to keep themselves away from me - I don't want to deal with their vulnerability.

While it is a real relationship there are many facets which suggest it's not. The boundaries, why does a t get to say what the boundaries are, why not make the boundaries together and compromise like you would in a real relationship Wheeler. I am not a hugger but when people do ho to hug me I just think well that's my issue that I am not a hugger instead of projecting onto them and implementing boundaries around hugging.
This is obviously really important to you and it sounds a little like your t is saying " I know what you want but you can't have it?"
Did you ask her why she won't hug you?

I did go back and talk with her about this. It's still hard to reconcile my feelings but we will talking about this for a while to come. She said she doesn't hug because she would prefer that we talk about the feelings and figure out what they mean to be as opposed to acting on them.
She assures me that I matter to her and and she cares very much, which helps me with what I feel as rejection.
Unfortunately we just had another slight rupture in regards to insurance. Once again, another area reminding me of the limited, and paid for relationship we have.

My T won't hug me either and for similar reasons. My T works from a psychodynamic perspective so she also believes to talk about feelings and explore what they mean instead of just acting on them. I'm getting used to this way of doing of therapy but it still irritates me. The hug issue and other similar topics still come up from time to time in our sessions and I am slowly working through it. I hope you and your T can work through this too. I'm sorry I don't have anything more helpful to offer but I know how you feel.

Is there a reason not to do both? Perhaps it is just the modality of practice, but it seems to me that talking about why the hug and what it means and then doing the hug can all happen. <-- coming from the person that hasn't even got a handshake so maybe not

Many Ts are taught to avoid any and all physical contact with clients.

I was taught this back i the days when I was a grad student.

Actually I think you have to respect other people's boundaries in normal relationships, too, even if you don't think they're fair. Everyone gets to choose their own boundaries and I don't think they should really have to compromise or change for others if they don't want to. Ts included.

Besides, imagine how many colds Ts would get if they hugged everybody.

Did you have considerable childhood trauma/neglect? Or do you have depression now?

I understand the talking vs acting on feelings, but sometimes if your ego strength isn't quite there, it can be 10 times more difficult.

I'm glad she told you how she feels about you, that you matter and that she cares very much. My therapist will hug me, but I'd melt if I heard something like that from my him. He is the one who first offered the hug; it wasn't my request. But he withholds all the stuff I've told him over the years that I like and anything and everything I ask him for....except extra sessions of course .

I think for my T it comes down to modality of practice she literally said it was an "ethics and boundaries thing". I still want a hug from my T but I also see how I could easily become too dependant on those hugs and how it would stop me from seeking comfort from other people in my life. Also, I hear so many experiences on here of people who's T gave them hugs only to stop suddenly which would cause so much more damage than it is worth. I already have strong maternal transference towards my T and I think physical contact of any kind would make that more difficult to work through.

Well this shows how inconsistent this discipline is. My therapist is the same modality as yours. So was my last one. They both hugged. Odd to hug but at the same time, withhold emotions, thoughts, verbal expression of affections (does this mean that they don't exist?) etc.

It's a bit over the top for her to cite ethics in terms of hugs. If it was an ethical problem, wouldn't all therapists who hug lose their license? Or maybe she meant protection in an indirect way. Your therapist always sounds ok to me, but this surprised me. Just some thoughts.

I don't see T this week, but it's still on my mind a lot. I wonder if I'll ever be able to reconcile what I feel is a rejection. Maybe that's what she wants me to talk about, how it feels?
It's such a crazy relationship. Sometimes it's hard to believe it's 'real'.