One sided and T not understanding

Have you or how would I get my T to understand how one sided therapy is for the client? He doesn't seem to get it. He's a big part of my life and I get that I'm not a part of his. I understand that's how this works but it doesn't change the strong feelings that go with it. It's really frustrating and sad I guess to think about. I've told him I feel like he's a big part of my life and he just said that was normal for this kind of relationship.

I think the only way to understand therapy is to have endured the horrors of it one's own self. I only hire ones who have done it themselves.

That might help; however, not everyone experiences therapy as horrors nor is everyone particularly bothered by the one-sidedness of it, so that might not make much difference depending on the individual. Perhaps it is more important to gain an understanding of why you are struggling with this - where that anxiety comes from for you?

Just to clarify - I don't find the one-sideness to be the horrible part of it particularly. I pay the woman to keep herself away from me.
I do very much believe in only hiring those who have endured it though - I really do not believe anyone who has not done so should be allowed to be licensed. And not just perfunctory sort either - but rather the kind where it makes sure they understand what is theirs.

I struggle with this a lot. My t has an analyst/t that she still talks to and has said that she has struggled with it too, i guess that's why she's so patient with me about my feelings. I'm struggling big time right now with wanting to mean as much to her as she does to me, while at the same time totally getting it intellectually that i don't, can't and never will. As i tell her, despite my brain knowing, my heart wants what it wants or something.

I think the anxiety comes from knowing he means a lot to me and I'm attached but I'm just going to get hurt whenever we terminate, especially if it ends up being unexpected. He's 1 of 2 people that I've allowed to really get to know me.

I feel the same about knowing in my head but my heart doesn't listen. It's hard and sucks having both, an understanding of how it's suppose to be a professional relationship but how it feels like more than that.

How did you explain to her about wanting to mean more? It's so many complicated feelings I worry that I'm out of line telling him that stuff.

I told her just that sentence in an email last week and we will be talking about it tomorrow so we'll see how it goes.... I'm quite nervous about the discussion. I've never worded the feeling quite that honestly before...

I'll report back after my session tomorrow evening

Yeah definitely let me know. I hope it goes well

Would this explain stuff to my T or be too much to send?

"I feel like I haven't really explained and you don't get how I feel sometimes about our connection. It's really different from my side as a client than from yours. I feel like I'm too attached and have feelings that are not accurate but it's how I feel. With everything we've been through the last 3 years, I feel like I'm kind of a part of your life and you share stuff about it but I'm really not. Your 1 of 2 people who knows me but it's not the same as my friend but the feelings are. How I feel and intellectually understanding its professional, don't match up. It's frustrating and confusing and makes it hard to want to keep letting you in."

That's pretty much the sum of what i want to say tomorrow...

I'm just over 5 years with my t.

I call it convoluted....

Yeah sometimes I just feel like it's a screwed up relationship that plays with my head

I'm kind of afraid of his answer

Good luck. I'm nervous of what my t's gonna say too

It's been hard for me, too, particularly with my marriage counselor--I have some pretty strong paternal transference for him and am rather attached. I've talked about it with him, saying that it's hard because of the nature of the T-client relationship. He discloses quite a bit, so I feel I "know him" much more than T (who doesn't disclose much). But he's also recently said to me that the person I know him to be from our therapy "isn't real"--that if I knew the real him, I'd realize he was an asshole, and I wouldn't want to hang out with him. (I suspect I'd still want to hang out with him anyway...)

I have said to him before that it felt like I was paying him to care. And he said I could pay him to do his job, but I couldn't pay him to care--basically that he chooses to care. It seems like he understands why it's difficult. I do know he's been through therapy of his own, so maybe that's part of why. But he (and my T) have also said that therapy is set up this way for a reason. Like if it was just two friends talking, it wouldn't be the same, because you'd have to worry about the friend's feelings and about asking too much of them.

It's complicated by the fact that I know his wife has a serious--maybe terminal?--health condition (how I found out is kind of complicated). And that's been difficult, because I care about him and want to know what's going on and be there for him. But he doesn't want me to know too much because he doesn't want the therapy to be about him instead of me and H. (Like for me to not want to talk about stuff because it seems like nothing compared to what he's going through.) But I feel close to him and want to support him. He seems to understand that, but also worries he's done something wrong, because it's not supposed to be me caring about him and wanting to support him. But I just...I don't, know, I just care. Probably because he's helped me so much. I'm totally rambling now (just had session with him today).

Just trying to say that I get it. And I think it helps to talk about it and how difficult it can be. What you typed out would be good to say to your T--or maybe even to print out and give him. I find I express myself much better in writing, so I end up e-mailing or texting thoughts I'm having. Or with my individual T, sometimes I'll type something up and give it to her to read at the start of session. So maybe you could do that/

I email stuff that I know I'd have a hard time just bringing up cold - you know - when I've emailed I can bring it up without bringing it up by saying "You know that email I sent you last Wednesday? I guess we need to talk about it." which is probably what I'll end up saying tomorrow. If she follows my script (ha ha) she will start the conversation and not make me "remind" her. I have a funny feeling with this one though she is gonna make me say it first... sigh... I guess after 5+ years of these discussions I should be able to right?! We talk about our relationship all.the.time because I seem to keep needing to.

Hey LT - something you said reminded me. "that if I knew the real him, I'd realize he was an asshole, and I wouldn't want to hang out with him." t said to me one time when I told her she was being very kind she said "I am not kind." I was like, hmm. Now I wonder if she was saying something similar to what your MC said. I also recall the very first time I told t I was very attached to her, this was in that long-ago first year, she replied "Oh dear" in a worried-sounding voice. I never asked her about that response. If she said it now, I certainly would question her about it! But back then I did not.

ok! I'm home from t. it was a good session. I started with small talk "How was your Christmas?" (me=chicken) and then told her I had 3 dreams to work on, but that before we got to those "I guess we probably ought to talk about my email from last week" (she grinned) "that uncomfortable little tidbit of personal knowledge that I shared." She said "Ok, yes of course" or something along those lines. Thankfully she did not make me say it out loud, she said it.

Anyway she asked me what it would mean, what it would look like. I said I don't know, I've never let myself get as far as even typing it before, let alone thinking about what it would mean. So that's what I'm working with now... kind of like following the thought I guess... what would change? What would I have/no longer have? Like that. Not because there could be anything else, but because I think she wants me to realize what I would lose. She was very accepting of the whole thing, it didn't scare her off at all, which I am very thankful for. She also said "So what have I been to you.... I've been your good grandmother, sometimes your bad mother...." and we talked about that a little. And how one of my dreams (the one about her) really fit in with the whole topic very well and helped explain how I feel. And I told her, that this feeling of wanting to mean as much to her as she does to me is exactly why I had to come to the understanding that I talked about last week which was that she and I are not/cannot be friends. I didn't really resolve anything, other than I'll keep talking about it, just before we moved to talking about the dreams she said so what do we do with it now, just sweep it under the rug or something? I laughed and said "no, I know that never works." And told her I'd keep talking about it when I need to. I told her that it comes and goes, I can accept the what I know doesn't match what I feel for awhile, but then I start struggling with it again. Oh yeah I also told her I felt like I needed to apologize for having to constantly revisit this whole "feelings for/about her" thing and she said "Stop that, no apologies in here!" or something like that. Ha ha. I can't help it.

Anyway, our discussion about it went really well, and I know there will be more in the future. Probably next time I'm there in fact because I'm going to do what she said and think about what would change if. It's so weird, almost surreal sometimes, sitting there saying this **** right out loud with her looking at me and not being shamed for it, not being told that I need to 'grow up', not being yelled at for being silly....

.... yeah. My t is definitely "one of the good ones". I am so, so lucky to have found her.

I am super attached to t1 and he knows it. I've told him, but I didn't actually need to-it is kind of his job to notice things like that. Just last week I told him that part of me thinks I am just another client, part of me thinks he's my dad, and part of me thinks that I am addicted to him. And I told him that logically I know the truth is somewhere between those extremes. He was cool with it. Did his usual asking open ended questions stuff. He did tell me that he hoped that I know that I am not "just another client", that he believes from the time we first met that he was not conveying that. And that if he did, he was sorry. I told him that I didn't really believe that-just part of me, and we talked about that as a defense. I told him that I feel safe, secure, attached, trust, and one other thing. You would think I would remember it because he kept repeating it. Anyway, he said that all of those things are good things to have in a relationship. And suggested I journal about it. But journaling about it makes me want to puke, so I haven't done that.

That's an awesome response from your T You covered a lot! I'm glad to hear she's not scared off by it. I'm really worried my T is going to be. My session is Friday. He said it's good to keep talking about it but I'm afraid it's too honest.

It's honest that's for sure!! It's one thing to say "I love you" (which is hard enough!!!!) but to really break down the emotion into what the exact feeling is? Brutal honesty right there, my friends.

And I realized just tonight sitting here typing on PC - that it's not even about HER or CURRENT me. It's all about little me wanting to be important to my mother. I put that on another thread but thought I'd share it here too. Man, that smarts.

I thought so too! I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that if your t says it's good to keep talking about it, then he'll probably have just as good of a response as my t did! I wish you all the best!