Totally ruined things with T

I think the therapist is being silly, and also, totally dishonest herself.

You can't promise to always tell the truth. I mean, you can, but that is always going to be a lie because of the nature of being human. People who become seriously suicidal in terms of being absolutely prepared to do it and carry it through don't usually tell because they plan to die, and if you're dead, you can't see your therapist anyway, so who really cares?

That's the flaw in this whole argument. If you're prepared to leave earth, and everyone on it, if you're planning on being nothing forever, what you told a therapist a week ago doesn't matter.

By seeing a therapist, you're trying to survive. By caring what she thinks, says, and does, you're trying to survive.

So what you said to her about if you were seriously planning on killing yourself you wouldn't tell her is just the truth! Not just for you, but for most people.

And she freaked out, because her therapeutic reality, her ability to modulate her own feelings and have a sense of control involves making people tell her what she wants to hear around so called 'honesty'. She's grasping at straws.

I'm sorry things went badly with her, but YOU didn't screw this up. She did.

It won't let me edit, so I'm adding:

She's kind of stupid, because the fact that you're THERE in therapy tells her that you're doing your damnest to get through this. Rubbish promises of 'honesty' are nothing compared to the fact that 2.5 years later, you're still here. You're still working with her! You've done your part!

If she can't tolerate the uncertainty of working with people in extreme distress, then she needs to find another profession and not introduce more pain to the lives of people who are suffering because they won't lie to her the way she needs to be lied to, in the form of 'honesty'. You deserved compassion and she gave you pain. And now you're blaming yourself for not playing her game.

Seems like every other post on this forum is someone beating themselves up and blaming themselves for subpar therapy.

So last night I called the hotline again and again got a terrible person. So the next step on my safety plan is to call my T. I wasn't going to buy my friend convinced me to because of how much klonopin I was using. So I called. She called me back and we talked for a few minutes. It did feel like I was a little kid getting a lecture on emotional regulation and distress tolerance. But in the end she said we will continue to work together as long as I am honest. But things may change a little. She is going to be more conservative in her approach.

Fair enough (that she will be more conservative). I think you indicated that she needed to be more conservative when you told her that she should have put you in the hospital.

I am glad she is not dumping you. Does that help with the angst?

Some of the angst but still apprehensive about Wednesday.

I went through my DBT book and made a list of emotions I felt. Then I made a list of strategies I tried to regulate my emotions. My T is always under the impression that I don't try because I never list out all the things I do. So this time I decided I would show her. We will see how well it is received on Wednesday. Fingers crossed.

Crossing with you. I hope she'll understand that you doing your best and maybe it will give her a good idea as to where to put more supports in place.

She said what????? Complete nightmare!!!!!! I would have been absolutely devastated too!!!!!!!!! As much as there are exclamation points!

How old is she?
The therapist that pulled that with me - I was 20 and he was in grad school. At the time I was mostly angry actually. I was suicidal and was angry that he required me to commit to be honest. Incredibly enough, it helped. When I was really actively suicidal, I was so cavalier and determined and I had already agreed to be honest, so I told him the truth and he sent me to the hospital. Saved my life.

But if my current therapist gave me some kind of "you told me the truth and now i won't meet with you" - my gosh, I'm getting upset just picturing it.

Good job. Maybe this was the push you needed.