[20oney]

Hey all..
So, I've basically had depression for over two years now.. I saw one psychologist for over a year, and have been seeing the current one for around 4 months.. just a slight problem which I never seem to be able to beat.. I can't open up!!! I don't even know what o need to open up about.
With the first therapist, I donno, I don't think she ever really understood where I was coming from.. but this new one, is excellent. I am as comfortable as humanly possible for me with another person. But still, about an hour before I'm due there, my mind goes blank, and I feel nothing for the hour session. She managed to get a decent amount of anxiety out of me once, but that's as good as it has made it thus far.
I want to be able to show a bit of vulnerability with her, but I just can't. I can barely be vulnerable when I'm with myself, alone. I need help, and I know that more I push all this **** down, the worse it is going to get for me.. but what **** an I pushing down anyway!? On occasion, I can email her, and that sometimes helps with topics to cover, but even there, there's only so much I can show, and the second it is brought it, I go into shut down mode...
Any advice on what has help others to learn to be more vulnerable, open to showing emotion...?
Thanks in advance

[ruh roh]

No advice. It takes a long time, I think. Four months is still early, unless you are in short term therapy. Maybe take some of the pressure off yourself to "deliver" emotion?

[Fuzzybear]

I too think that 4 months is very early...for many people (including me) it would take at least this long to begin to develop trust with a therapist, and to show vulnerability. When your mind is ready, with the right therapist (and this therapist sounds like a good therapist) - you will begin to be able to open up, and to show emotion. It sounds like the therapist is not pressuring you... this is excellent.

[MBM17]

You said you have depression. Have you tried taking notes during the week on the things that upset you? Symptoms you don't like, people you have negative interactions with, feelings of failure or hopelessness. If you had notes with you in session, do you think that would help with the blank mind?

I've experienced that before, and it's trippy, really trippy, to feel like your brain is gone, like you don't have control over yourself or your mind. After the blank mind wears off, I feel scared that I'll lose myself and never come back again and be blank forever.
Am I getting that right?

[20oney]

Originally Posted by MBM17

You said you have depression. Have you tried taking notes during the week on the things that upset you? Symptoms you don't like, people you have negative interactions with, feelings of failure or hopelessness. If you had notes with you in session, do you think that would help with the blank mind?

I've experienced that before, and it's trippy, really trippy, to feel like your brain is gone, like you don't have control over yourself or your mind. After the blank mind wears off, I feel scared that I'll lose myself and never come back again and be blank forever.
Am I getting that right?

I've tried writing notes, and emailing her occasionally.. but when it's time to face her, I either can't show the notes, or avoid any chance of discussing what was in the emails.. Even then, the walls come up and the things that I've written, don't seem real anymore.. until I leave and start kicking myself yet again..

It is trippy, and the more I'm confronted, the more blank I go.. it's ridiculous the things I can't mention.. it's all so trivial.. :/

[ABC1357]

I think the process takes time. It took four months for me to tell my first therapist that I feel depressed. I asked similar question here. I couldn't show the notes either, so I totally understand what you mean. If you are comfortable with her, I think it's the matter of time. It may take just a few more weeks, or it may take months or even years, but I hope you will eventually be able to open up.

[1stepatatime]

Go easy on yourself : ). You've been in therapy a short time. It takes a while to build that trust. Everyone is unique! I've been in therapy for four years now and I still have difficulty being vulnerable. Give it some time , not saying you should wait years but if you click with this therapist things should start to flow.