[slowandgentle]

Very long time lurker here...

My username is a phrase that T started to use to sign off emails when he knows I am especially distressed.

He writes the words with my name; "slow and gentle, NAME", or "gently and slowly, NAME" and honestly, it's the most soothing and calming thing. He's only done it a couple of times, but it's at the point where he's become the voice in my head, saying that when I feel myself getting angry or anxious.

I'd like to talk to him about it, and tell him how helpful it's been. But I'm scared it would then feel contrived when he uses it. Though I'd love to have his actual voice in my head, saying that. Plus it sounds so..pathetic...for me to be so attached to just a few words.

I also get very afraid of sounding needy or too attached. I have so much fear and need and hurt and longing in me, I'm really frightened I'll just be too much for him.

I sometimes feel like a squirrel, scurrying to grab tiny morsels of caring and hiding them away. It's a very familiar feeling.

I'm also curious to know if it's something he does as a result of working with a lot of patients who DO have voices in their heads, as opposed to me, who just has nasty, critical, judgemental remnants of my mother. Does he do this to counter that, or have we just stumbled on something that works?

Anyone else had such a strong reaction to 'just' words? it feels as powerful as if he had physically held me...but in a good & safe way (I am definitely not one of those who would enjoy touch in T - as much as I sometimes yearn for it, and I doubt he's one to give it).

[kecanoe]

I can definitely relate. Too much fear and need and hurt and longing. Me too. I also have said to my t that I feel like I grasp for crumbs from the table. It's better than nothing, right?

I tend to give t1 feedback about what works. Even though I know that he will probably repeat it, I take his repetition as a sign that he really wants to help. In your case, if he said "slow and gentle" I would believe that he was saying that because he knew that I needed encouragement/support and wanted to offer it. It doesn't feel contrived to me, it just feels like helpfulness and caring.

[ruh roh]

Originally Posted by slowandgentle

Anyone else had such a strong reaction to 'just' words?

Oh yes. Mine uses a phrase that I won't share here because people will probably point out how ordinary it is, but for whatever reason, it helps so much that I let her know and now she always ends emails with it (I'd said I would go to the end of the email first, just to see the words, then go back and read the message). So now, it's not just the words, but the fact that she knows they are important to me enough for her to make sure she uses them (and once, when she forgot, she emailed right after to add them).

There's another very random phrase I like--yes, indeed--but I have to remind her of that one by saying, please reply with yes, indeed. And she will. It doesn't make it meaningless because I've asked; it makes it meaningful because she remembers that it's important to me. Not sure if that makes sense or if it helps. I really don't give a truck that it's generic. Her remembering that it matters to me is what matters.

When I'm in a flashback in session. I notice T doesn't make any sudden movements. From the Corner of my eye, I sometimes note how she - as if slow motion - adjusts her legs and body.

[nottrustin]

Whenever I am really struggling she always says "we will get through this together." She will say it at the ends of sessions or emails. It is really important for me because of my fear of being to needy and being abandoned. I don't think I have ever told her how comforting it is for me but she just seems to know.

[1stepatatime]

During session her tone is calm and she always smiles at me when I'm stuck or during those uncomfortable silences. I find this to be soothing. In emails she will say things like " I'm here , all is well, I'm with you". Of course there are things that I don't like.. she will not tell me that she likes me. She wants me to feel it based upon our experiences together. I get that but sometimes I would just like to HEAR it. I don't think that is too much to ask.

[Out There]

Yes , words are very powerful ( and powerfully damaging often ). " You have so much trauma " was very healing when I was hugely triggered and very upset. I was like , wow , that's five words but they can mean so much. And " you're very sensitive to this " Yes , I am !

[Waterbear]

When my T has said "are you OK?" It has meant so much to me. She asks in a way that I believe she genuinely cares about the answer, about me. She wants the truth and she wants to help me with that truth. Tough to explain but the few times she has said it have been very powerful indeed.

[Waterbear]

Coincidently my T has just written in an email to me "Slowly, gently is OK".

Just thought that was interesting.

[slowandgentle]

Happy to hear your T is a she-T, Waterbear, or I'd be thinking we have the same T!

Thanks all for the responses, it's interesting how impactful just a few words can be. Maybe I will try to talk with him about this, after the break?

The other thing I really like is when he uses my name when we're in the room together. It's just not that often he does that, and usually to make a point.

As much as I like it..it's all feeling a bit full on. And I don't like to get too attached to him, or 'it' (the therapy thing), as I'm never too sure how long I'll last there before freaking out and leaving for good.

Maybe that's why the words are so powerful: I can take them with me.

[junkDNA]

i like when my T calls me by a nick name he made up for me. it lets me know hes in a good mood, we are ok, and he wants to be playful with me

[slowandgentle]

Playful scares me half to death... too close, too casual and him having way too much fun for my liking. I get scared he'll get carried away and forget we're there for me.

I had to have 'words' with T about 'playful' earlier in the year. It felt pretty strange to ask him to formalize-up a bit, but he was really scaring me.

[ScarletPimpernel]

My T used to always say "Everything will be okay". It's so comforting to me. I don't know why. If anyone else said that to me I'd be like yeah right, how do you know. But with T, for some reason I believe it.

She stopped saying it for awhile, so I brought it up with her. I thought she might have stopped on purpose because she wanted me to internalize it or something. But she said it wasn't on purpose, and then told me "Everything will be okay" <3

[kecanoe]

Originally Posted by nottrustin

Whenever I am really struggling she always says "we will get through this together." She will say it at the ends of sessions or emails. It is really important for me because of my fear of being to needy and being abandoned. I don't think I have ever told her how comforting it is for me but she just seems to know.

That's one of my favorite phrases also.

[SoConfused623]

Originally Posted by 1stepatatime

During session her tone is calm and she always smiles at me when I'm stuck or during those uncomfortable silences. I find this to be soothing. In emails she will say things like " I'm here , all is well, I'm with you". Of course there are things that I don't like.. she will not tell me that she likes me. She wants me to feel it based upon our experiences together. I get that but sometimes I would just like to HEAR it. I don't think that is too much to ask.

I can completely relate to this. So many times I've asked my T to just say the words but instead she talks all around it and wants me to feel it rather than her say it. So frustrating!!

[Elio]

Should I start a new thread? What about the opposite affect, latching onto phrases and unable to let them go as they fester under your skin? I mean something said in a causal positive conversation and a phrase or just a specific work rubs wrong and unable to let it go even though you know the speaker doesn't mean it how you take it. Anyone else do this?

[ABC1357]

Yes, simple words can be really powerful. I remember when I first talked about my trauma and my t said "That must have been hard." I was so surprised and relieved that someone can just listen to me without blaming. That was the time I decided to work on my issue.

It's weird. Words hurt me so much, but in the session, words heals me.

[slowandgentle]

It's sort of parental thing, when I think about it more: maybe that's why it's so powerful. The T becomes the good, soothing mother. I never had any of those phrases (or even any advice worth following!) from my parents.

But I do notice my daughter using words and actions she's picked up from me, along the same sort of vein. I'm always surprised she learned how to care from me, when I had such a paucity of role modelling myself.

I even picked up phrases from their nanny when they were little, that still echo! Maybe if there's a vacuum, we really take up what's around us.

I think also, in my case, the fact that T has even noticed that I am
distressed and is offering up caring and guidance of a sort, is very comforting. The words themselves are powerful, but the fact he saw and stopped and gave me something useful...is hugely important to me.

[slowandgentle]

Originally Posted by Elio

Should I start a new thread? What about the opposite affect, latching onto phrases and unable to let them go as they fester under your skin? I mean something said in a causal positive conversation and a phrase or just a specific work rubs wrong and unable to let it go even though you know the speaker doesn't mean it how you take it. Anyone else do this?

Elio, I do know what you mean. It happens to me, too. I am trying to learn some DBT skills to do better with these scenarios. Mindfulness practices are also great to put a bit of a pause in and space for reflection.

But I think it comes back to what we're familiar with: we take in the negative, critical, cruel and taunting voices & mistrust of what people are saying, because there's always a twist, in our experience.

And maybe that's why the kindness and gentleness of the T phrases we have been talking
about are so powerful: they are unfamiliar and totally unambiguous and via a source that we trust to have our interests at heart.

[MBM17]

My biggest fear is of being too much and him ending therapy. He has said,

"Never too much."

And variations on that.
You're never too much.
It's never too much.

It's very powerful for me.

[stopdog]

I don't know - I would not find any of the reported statements comforting. Some would piss me off to no end, some would just strike me as completely inane.

[slowandgentle]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I don't know - I would not find any of the reported statements comforting. Some would piss me off to no end, some would just strike me as completely inane.

Great comment, Stopdog, you just helped me work out what my real question is, thanks! And I totally get where you are coming from.

I am normally so dismissive of that sort of carry on, and have a much more pragmatic, perfunctory and distant (paranoid? Suspicious?) interpersonal style. It's so out of character for me to be moved by simple words, especially when spoken in such a contrived setting. So what's with this?

And here's the other reason I think maybe I should talk to him: I don't really 'do' connection, and I think that's what some of the scurrying off with crumbs is about.

i don't have enough trust in other people to want to have a back and forth with them if I feel connected. I sort of take the feelings or warmth I get from them away and keep them safe, for myself, so they can't be used against me or to lull me into something dangerous.

So I can only stand so much connection. But somehow the words give me connection to T in a way that is unconflicted and feel safe. And they are all about me! Such a novel concept in a caregiving relationship.

[stopdog]

Just to clarify - I have connections to real people in my life. I just don't find a therapist comforting at all.