Attachment and new t

So today was my second appointment with new t. She began the session by acknowledging how brace I was to start all over again and how attachment has been terribly painful for me. She had though of something during the week and wanted to ask if I would be interested in trying it. She wanted to know if it would help if she left a voicemail for me every week before session just to let me know that she was there and looking forward to seeing me. At first this puzzled me and then it touched me that she had really heard how important and yet how hurtful attachment has been. I said that I didn't want it to be a chore for her and she said it would be a delight for her to hear my voice and asked how would it be to hear her voice.
I wanted to say it would give my great pleasure because her voice is so very gentle and very soothing, quite the opposite to my ex t. I told her that I was afraid to get to attached to her. She said that was wise given my experience with ex ts and since I had only met her. She noticed how I was holding my body very tight and asked if I could close my eyes we did an exercise to help me relax but I couldnt. She said that was ok as maybe I needed to be on guard around her. I said I did. She asked what weapons I used to guard myself and I said an electric fence, a barrier and lots of barbed wire. She closed her eyes and said yes it's like forth knocks in there but also Mona I feel sad as I say it's really hard to get in or out of there. I got very emotional at that and she handed me a tissue and said it was ok as I cried. She said she understands why I have to protect myself and that if I ever want a visitor she will be outside waiting to come in.
I felt a bit vulnerable today because I barely know her and this is the stuff I could never talk to ex t about.
I also told her about my dream about ex t where she was alone and crying and new t said which part of you is alone and crying and needs someone to look after yourself? I said the really young part and she said yes that is the part that has all of our emotions and the little Mona is so alone and frantically crying and upset and no one hears her and then she asked me to look at her and she said I hear her.
I really don't know how to feel because it is moving so fast with her!

I really like the sound of this T. It's difficult with the attachment things ( as I'm finding at the moment ) The grounding and safe place work is important. It's a bit scary when the little one ventures out and needs to be welcomed not shamed and shut down.

I hear you Out there, the little ones have been shAmed enough. T kept noticing that I was ungrounded and asked me to put my feet on the ground a few times and then she said well let's just let them do what they need to. She asked what did they need to do? I said go for a jog and she left and said " or maybe run away?" I laughed too. She asked it would help if we walked together around the room to let out some of the energy. This frightened me as it would be too close to her so we didn't.
There is a lot of different work going on here on different levels. My body and brain are trying to figure this out.

This sounds good. I do moving around and changing position during EMDR , I agree with trauma being held in the body. Also my T gave me a variation on breathing exercises imagining all the stuff you don't want in your body going out on exhale. Ooh , I'm pleased for you Mona - good T's make such a difference ! I know I've spent most of my life trying to look after and care for other people and keep the peace - but there comes a time when it has to be what we need. It's not easy to move on from it all.

I really like the sound of this new T. She sounds very comforting and gentle from what you have described. I wish you well on this journey and hope you can open up and then heal.

May I ask, have you stopped seeing ex T?

Your new T sounds lovely! Happy for you!

To be honest it sounds like your new T would be trying to get too close too quickly - for me. I need much more time before beginning to talk about attachment. But, she does sound lovely.
I do like how she is very attuned to how you are physically, and is open to trying many different things to connect and support. My new T is like that too. We did feel very supported very early on (we have still only had 7 sessions with her) because she noticed what was going on in the body and used different techniques to help us get grounded again.
it really does sound like she will be of much more benefit to you than old T, and also will cause much les harm. I am glad you have found her.

She sounds wonderful. Congratulations on your new journey!

I was thinking similar thoughts as Luce, but more from your end rather than hers. Be careful about getting flooded. It is a lot very soon. It does seem too early to go that deep. This is somewhat from my experience, but it really jumped out at me because of my past experience. When you find someone who you feel immediately 'gets' you, and the transference escalates (you said you felt it intensely day 1), it can spin out of control.

Especially since you are leaving your therapist, which is going to stir up all kinds of emotions. Processing those emotions while focusing on a new attachment is a lot to do at once. Just my two cents of caring.

It's very difficult to accept how easy care is when someone has made it such hard work for so long.

I'm glad you're getting to places you needed to go. She sounds very thoughtful in her work with you (as in, she put thought into what she said and did). You sound so much more hopeful now.

I really like your new t also. Caring thoughtful and fully present.

This makes me think of the time I was having a panic attack in marriage counseling and just wanting to step out for a minute to the bathroom to collect myself. MC was like, "Why don't we all step out for a minute?" and the three of us went outside to the courtyard and walked around for the rest of the session. It actually really helped eliminate the panic, and it was a bit easier to talk when we weren't sitting, staring at each other. But I think the physical movement and being outside were what really helped. So your T's instinct about that makes sense. But I would have felt weird doing the walking if it was like my second session. Then I would have just said, "Uh, yeah, I think I'm just going to go to the bathroom for a minute..."

Still, I can completely understand where this feels like your new T is getting too close too quickly. Your other T seemed to hold you at arm's length, then sometimes let you get close, then push you back. So I get why you're worried about the quick closeness of this T. Maybe tell her you just need to step back a little, get to know her and trust her first, before doing or sharing certain things? She definitely sounds like a better fit though.

Thanks Out There, it's not easy but I am tired of fighting and feeling defeated after my sessions with ex t. I really like her knowledge of trauma and body work and hoping it will be really good for me.


Yes, I left this week. Over Christmas I was in the process of deciding what to do and decided that t was no good for me anymore. I was looking after her all of the time.
Thank you


Thank you Skies, it does feel a bit much, I think she is really trying though and we spoke about my difficulty in expressing my feelings, needs and wants and how could I do that with her safely. She said she could guess and check with me and a few times she noticed parts of my body would tighten and asked if that meant no. I wasn't even aware I was tightening my pelvis and was amazed she could see that.
Thank you for your honesty Luce and I am feeling similar. I really really like her but I am feeling scared by the closeness. I don't trust somebody wanting to get to know me. She is extremely attuned to my body language and this is very helpful but also scary. I suppose it will take time for us to get to know each other and to meet somewhere in the middle. Thank you again


Thank you JT, I didn't realise how hard ex t made it until I met new t. I honestly thought that that's how my therapy was supposed to be and that I had met ex t to teach me how to defend myself but I met her to help me remove myself from toxic situations.
Thank you Growly, I really like her too and I hope she doesn't turn out to be batty or flaky but she knows her stuff.

I am hopeful for the first time in a long long time. We did talk a lot about my mistrust of therapists and how I had been hurt before and she really got it. Ex t just shrugged it off and said well it's all grist for the mill. This t listens to my voice and my body.

Haha, I am just trying to imagine that situation with your MC and and husband. It would be a bit too much and too close to me.
I have a feeling this t will teach me how to respect my peen boundaries and give that part of me a voice. I am never able to tell people that they are too close or pushing my boundaries so this will be a big part of our work together. She is very open and honest so I am guessing she will be very open to my input if I am ever able to offer it

I'm very pleased for you Mona. I urge you to keep talking about your ambivalent feelings; they are normal, and a helpful defence against being hurt. By talking about them, it sounds like this T will be aware enough to modify her approach and meet you where you are.
Recently I talked to my T about the beginning of my relationship with him. I told him that in the start I hadn't wanted him as my T and he said "you made that very clear at the time" which surprised me because I don't remember saying anything to him. But he was very attuned and he said that at the time he could see he had to be careful not to overwhelm me or scare me away. I appreciate the attention he paid to my emotional state at the time and his willingness to adapt. I would think very strongly that your therapist would be willing and happy to meet your needs in this way too.

Mona, this T sounds very caring and in tune with your needs.
I'm with Echos on this: Keep talking about your ambivalence. Not only for her to know where you're at. But also it gives you the chance to make a new, different experience: Of not being shamed or belittled for what you need or want. Which can be incredibly powerful.

Hugs, c_r

Maybe some people are playing the role in our life to teach us to remove ourselves from toxic situations. I think I had a couple of them. Maybe we do play roles for each other. That jumped out at me. I could get philosophical. . But new T sounds very attuned and adaptable which are good qualities in a T.

Wow, she sounds like an amazing T!

Your new T sounds a little like mine in terms of the body stuff. Mine notices every little twitch but she doesn't always comment, just usually!! She tells me when I'm not breathing, or when I fidget or look like I'm almost crying. Or rather, asks me gently I should say. Maybe your T does Somatic Experiencing or she's just attuned to body language. My T seemed too much for me at first too. I remember her wanting to breathe with me and I was so embarrassed at first! She always wanted to know where I felt things in my body and I never knew! She was always asking how I felt with her, was she sitting too close or to far away. I got used to all that and it's been very good for me. T always said I was too much in my head!

When I wanted to move a certain way, she would say to do it, like with my hands or legs. But I think you should tell her if this closeness and body stuff is too much too soon. It sounds like she will adjust to where you are!

Only thing I wonder is does she really not comb her hair or take care of hygiene? There's basic self care that people, especially a T, should maintain. I think. If she's just casual and not interested in appearance, that's fine. I just wondered about not combing her hair. Otherwise, she sounds great, and I'm very happy you're learning what a good T is like.

My t tried this in one session and I immediately stopped whatever I was doing (going as far as to sit on my hands to stop myself). She then would try to reassure me that it was ok to do whatever... but I still would try not to do it. She hasn't done that in a while - point out exactly what I am physically doing. She now just asks me 'what's going on.. seems like there was a shift' type of question.

Actually, do anything but sitting there and talking is a major form of discomfort for me, even though I've talked about wanting to do other things and shared fantasies of doing other things in the office (sitting differently, pacing, hiding).

Wait..I'm sorry to break the happy bubble here..but did your T really comment that your pelvis was tight?!

Yes why?

Well she is very wild and unkept. I was trying to figure out what age she is but I can't put an age on her. She has been a t for nearly thirty years so I am guessing 60 ish! Yes her hair is pure grey and wild. I don't think she brushe s it and her nails are very very long. This doesn't really bother me that much because it's what's inside that matters.

What does that even mean?! I could understand if her undergs were tight...

Well it is a weird (to me) place to be pointing out is "tight" in a NEW client especially. But even if my T said that to me today (at almost 2 years)...I'd be like 'EXCUSE ME?!'
hahahaha. haha. ha...

I did wonder what she meant but was afraid to ask in case it was anything to do with sexuality.