Would you call your T in this situation?

Hi guys,

I don't post a lot, but I read a lot and I was hoping some of you might give me your two cents on what you would do.

I have been seeing this therapist for about a year now. Before her, I saw someone for 7 yrs. I moved on to this "new" T because old T and I thought we had accomplished about as much as we could together, yet I still wasn't feeling okay with my life.

Fast forward to this past Friday. T has been hinting at this for a while, but she finally came out and said it. She thinks I am too dependent on therapy (true) and I use it to cope with my life rather than making changes (probably also true). She wants me to take a month long break and think about what it would be like to stop therapy and just live my life. She was nice about it, but I just felt broken and awful. In session, I was so upset (and maybe a little dissociative) that I didn't really get to discuss it or process it much. It just was her talking and me trying not to cry.

I get what she is saying and I largely agree with her, BUT I am losing it. I have been so upset since Friday. I can't focus and even my husband has noticed. I was thinking of calling or emailing and asking for one more session this week before our month long "break" starts. Should I reach out or not? Or should I just start looking for a replacement T? (Joking a little on that last part, but not completely...)

Thanks!
EJ

Hi Eliza Jane,
Sounds like you are in a really hard place to be in. I am not sure if reaching out to this t would give you any comfort and I suspect it would only confirm to her that you are dependant on therapy( her opinion only ).
What I am hearing when I read your post is a real need to connect but on both accounts your therapists disempowered you by taking your decisions away. I got a really bad reaction to your t asking you to take a month off, I always firmly believe that unless a client does something to a t that warrants termination, the client should be in charge of how and when their therapy ends. How is your relationship with this t?

I think I would call for another session. If it is that hard, why suffer? I think there is nothing wrong with tapering off and seeing how that goes as opposed to taking a whole month off. I am tapering off with one of my ts, which I want to do. But I also do not want to lose the hard won stability I have achieved.

I would reach out. It sounds like you need more time to process the idea of a break - which it sounds like she sprang on you?

I would not call the original therapist, but I would be calling and making appointments to check out some new ones.

What Stopdog said.

It seems like you should be making decisions with your T, and this is more like her making decisions and telling you what's going to happen. My first thought is that if a month break is this upsetting to you, why didn't she suggest two weeks to start with? You could go back and address it with her if you are interested in trying to sustain this T relationship. But you could also try someone else who might make you more of an equal partner.

How often do you see this t regularly?

I'd call her. But I don't agree with her being the one to tell you to take the break. It should have been something you discussed--ideally with you being the one bringing it up--and decided on together. It sounds like she's being judgmental about whether you're making progress on her timetable. But therapy doesn't work on a set time table.

Tell her you're not ready for a break this long and ask for another session. Then, in that session, talk to her about how you don't want a break and see if she's willing to compromise. Maybe she needs to shift her approach some if she's not helping you.

I'd suggest looking into some other T's, too--couldn't hurt! Maybe you just need someone with a slightly different approach.

I see her weekly. She has taken some long vacations though, so I have missed 3 weeks in a row before. I was able to cope with it and all. This just feels different and like it started off on the wrong foot.

Thanks for all your thoughts so far. I am at work, so can't reply individually just yet. I really appreciate it a lot!

Why not be proactive about this? Call your therapist and say you would feel more comfortable with perhaps spreading sessions apart a few times to see how that goes. In the meantime, you say she has a point about you not making changes in your real life and being too dependent on therapy. What would be some change you could put in place in your life that would help you feel more empowered and less dependent on therapy? Sounds like you have discussed this in the past but perhaps you haven't followed through? Or maybe you don't know what that would look like and that would be worth discussing in more concrete terms? (Just guessing). Those would be worth exploring.

Yes, then I would call her. How unfair of your t to spring this on you so quickly, and without your input. This is your therapy. You should have a choice in this matter. I would think discussing ideas on how to become less dependent on therapy to be a wiser choice instead of making you go without for a whole month. No matter, I hope your t will hear you on this and meet you where you are at, rather then where she thinks you need to be.

I agree with stopdog.

TOTAL AGREEMENT with this. Reading the OP made my stomach ball up.

I did have a couple of thoughts.
First - write a ton. How you're feeling, how you're coping with things, what you might try, etc...You might surprise yourself at your resiliency.
Second - You might consider spending this time thinking about some specific goals when you resume.

Do you think you can recover trust with this T? I'm pissed about what happened to you. Yeah, maybe some of us are dependent on therapy, but then (a) maybe the T should consider the fact that many of us didn't have parents to depend on, and (b) that it's their job to help us through this stuff, not just throw us off the end of the dock.

Ugh! Sorry for the mini-rant. I wish I had more than empathy to offer...

I'd say my relationship with her is pretty good. She's a little formal and doesn't reveal much about herself, but I think she has a good energy. I think she likes me enough at this point, but at first her somewhat straightforward manner made me feel like she didn't like me.

She sprang it on me a bit. She had hinted previously about, "What if you took a break? And What would happen without therapy?" But she had never pushed the issue.

I do feel like I'm making progress with her, but there is a major life decision she wants me to make that I'm not comfortable with.

Thanks again guys. Reading these messages makes me realize I have a right to be angry. I tend to be too passive and agreeable. I think calling her might also help me be less of a doormat.

If you want to see if it will work out with current t maybe you can flat out tell her that her comment has you looking elsewhere for therapy. That she may not be the right help for you. That might wake her up.

As hard as all this is there is some reassurance to be had that she has said this, when she could have just continued to use you as a cash cow. Taking your money and allowed you to continue on your current path. It's sounds like her intentions were well meant but her delivery left ALOT to be desired.
Before jumping onto yet another couch, maybe tell her this was just too sudden, can she fit you in at the two week mark, so your more prepared.
You might find once the initial shock has warn off you will find things more manageable.

I ended up emailing her today. I basically said that I was too upset to have a productive discussion when she brought it up, so please can we meet this week and discuss it before we have our break. I'll keep you posted on the reply...

Thanks again for all of your thoughts and insights.

EJ

T emailed back with a quick "sure" and the time. I'm relieved but a little nervous too. Wish me luck!

I'm glad that has worked out!

Your situation sounds hard - it sounds like a slightly traumatizing way to deal with suggesting you take a break. I hope that you will have a fruitful discussion and that you can come up with a way forward that works for you.

Wishing you the best of luck. Keep us posted.