[colorsofthewind12]

I sometimes feel more emotionally strong then my therapist. Is this transference? Projection?

I've been through a lot and while it caused me a lot of trauma and contributed to a lot of my issues, it's has given me a certain toughness and resilience that I feel my T doesn't have. Even though I think he is very good and skilled at what he does, I don't think he has dealt with adversity(of course he could have and I don't know, but I don't get the impression that he has) and so doesn't have that inner strength that I so desperately want him to model for me as I am going through a really rough time now.

I also feel like he can't relate to me and I can't relate to him. I feel very alone.

Does that resonate with anyone?

Not at all. I did encounter some T's that gave me that impression very quickly and I never went back to see them.

I think "transference" is the hot issue of the day to be avoided at all costs and that's why we fear it so much----but really, everything we do is affected by everything that's happened in the past and everyone we've met, so transference is inevitable, something that should be accepted as given until it actually causes a problem.

I think what you're experiencing is very normal and shouldn't be pathologized.

Originally Posted by colorsofthewind12

I sometimes feel more emotionally strong then my therapist. Is this transference? Projection?

I've been through a lot and while it caused me a lot of trauma and contributed to a lot of my issues, it's has given me a certain toughness and resilience that I feel my T doesn't have. Even though I think he is very good and skilled at what he does, I don't think he has dealt with adversity(of course he could have and I don't know, but I don't get the impression that he has) and so doesn't have that inner strength that I so desperately want him to model for me as I am going through a really rough time now.

I also feel like he can't relate to me and I can't relate to him. I feel very alone.

Does that resonate with anyone?

I thought I had a strength. I had a wall. T was the one who had an inner strength. I had avoidance. T was strong because she could show vulnerability.
I think this is a good issue to talk about.
I see people who think their strong. But the way they act isn't strong it's fearful.

[Erebos]

I am with mouse here. Real strength is being able to be yourself in any given situation. Not being afraid to say I am lost, I don't understand.
The definition of courage, is doing something even though it scares you.

I have had a rough upbringing, homeless at 15 , and then everything that goes with that.
I thought because I could brush off the any situation I came across that I was strong, but it isn't.
I just didn't allow anything close in the first place.
I wasn't engaging. I still struggle,but I recognise it now.
Pdoc, reminds me that my way of dealing isn't the only way of coping, and that I can't judge others because adversity is a matter of perspective.
However if your not comfortable, your not comfortable, it definitely sounds like a topic worth discussing with him though.

Originally Posted by colorsofthewind12

I don't think he has dealt with adversity(of course he could have and I don't know, but I don't get the impression that he has)

As you have pointed out yourself, this is an assumption that you don't really know. I know quite a few people who have dealt with very difficult things in life but their everyday outward behavior does not give this away.

To answer your question though, I had similar feelings about my first therapist quite often. Not that he had not dealt with adversity but that he lacked the level of confidence, inner strength and independence to tackle challenges that I generally like in people and would want in a therapist. I do still think he was quite insecure but my reaction to him and his kind of insecurity and self expression was definitely a (negative) transference. I never felt the same way with my last therapist and whether or not it was coming from him or at least partially projected, it certainly enhanced my experience because I felt I was interacting with someone who met my inner standards and expectations.

There are good points in the above posts though about strength in vulnerability and courage to show vulnerability. I know I have issues in that area. What got me confused, and never truly found out the reality of it, was whether the vulnerability and perceived insecurity in my first T was actually a sign of more strength than what what my second T's apparent stability and consistency transmitted. My intuition is no but I might also be wrong since I left the first T and never truly tapped into it very deeply. In any case, it was more helpful for my specific goals to work with someone who transmitted an image of relaxed confidence, security and stability.

[colorsofthewind12]

Originally Posted by _Mouse

I thought I had a strength. I had a wall. T was the one who had an inner strength. I had avoidance. T was strong because she could show vulnerability.
I think this is a good issue to talk about.
I see people who think their strong. But the way they act isn't strong it's fearful.

Yes, I think you honed in on what I am feeling, except my wall isn't necessarily avoidance but a false ego strength.

[colorsofthewind12]

Originally Posted by Xynesthesia

As you have pointed out yourself, this is an assumption that you don't really know. I know quite a few people who have dealt with very difficult things in life but their everyday outward behavior does not give this away.

To answer your question though, I had similar feelings about my first therapist quite often. Not that he had not dealt with adversity but that he lacked the level of confidence, inner strength and independence to tackle challenges that I generally like in people and would want in a therapist. I do still think he was quite insecure but my reaction to him and his kind of insecurity and self expression was definitely a (negative) transference. I never felt the same way with my last therapist and whether or not it was coming from him or at least partially projected, it certainly enhanced my experience because I felt I was interacting with someone who met my inner standards and expectations.

There are good points in the above posts though about strength in vulnerability and courage to show vulnerability. I know I have issues in that area. What got me confused, and never truly found out the reality of it, was whether the vulnerability and perceived insecurity in my first T was actually a sign of more strength than what what my second T's apparent stability and consistency transmitted. My intuition is no but I might also be wrong since I left the first T and never truly tapped into it very deeply. In any case, it was more helpful for my specific goals to work with someone who transmitted an image of relaxed confidence, security and stability.

That's true and a somewhat unfair assumption that I tend to make.

[colorsofthewind12]

Originally Posted by Erebos

I am with mouse here. Real strength is being able to be yourself in any given situation. Not being afraid to say I am lost, I don't understand.
The definition of courage, is doing something even though it scares you.

I have had a rough upbringing, homeless at 15 , and then everything that goes with that.
I thought because I could brush off the any situation I came across that I was strong, but it isn't.
I just didn't allow anything close in the first place.
I wasn't engaging. I still struggle,but I recognise it now.
Pdoc, reminds me that my way of dealing isn't the only way of coping, and that I can't judge others because adversity is a matter of perspective.
However if your not comfortable, your not comfortable, it definitely sounds like a topic worth discussing with him though.

That's true about perspective.

[colorsofthewind12]

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