[granite1]

my T and i were talking about the mother and how i long to have a normal family. she was very strict in telling me that is not something i will ever be able to have . i was telling her about how the mother wants me to allow her to see my facebook as a mothers day gift . i cant do that .she will put her nose ware it doesnt belong . i had sent her a christmas gift and all she did was say thank you .so i sent her a birthday gift and now she is asking for more . this was when my T very bluntly said . i will never have normal parents that both the mother and my father will only see me as someone to use and abuse . if i act like a good daughter to them that in there minds it gives them permission to do this to me . i had always felt they saw me this way as a child but not as an adult . it hit me like a ton of bricks and i have not been able to get it out of my head at all

Sorry your parents do this to you.

Your mom does sound very abusive. What kind of parent says "I want to see your facebook as a mother's day gift" ??? Uhhh... First of all, that's a VERY weird thing to say... Second of all, that makes me question her motives. And what kind of parent asks for MORE gifts? wtf. I'll take gifts, but I don't demand that people give me some.

I'm not sure what to say, but if they've been doing this to you for years and they don't feel guilty about it, I'm not so sure they'll change on their own. They kind of sound like sociopaths? (I'm not trying to offend you.) Though I think they're just toxic people all around.

I really hate to bring this up, but whether or not you want to cut them out of your life is up to you... but it's a last resort option you could talk to your therapist about.

[unaluna]

(((Granite))) yeah. My "ton of bricks" as you say, was when i realized, while i was trying to be nice to them despite their failures as parents, they were still angry and disgusted with me for my so-called failures as a child and now as an adult, and still waiting for ME to change into a "good daughter". Oh hwell, never did figure out wtf they wanted

[kecanoe]

Originally Posted by granite1

my T and i were talking about the mother and how i long to have a normal family. she was very strict in telling me that is not something i will ever be able to have . i was telling her about how the mother wants me to allow her to see my facebook as a mothers day gift . i cant do that .she will put her nose ware it doesnt belong . i had sent her a christmas gift and all she did was say thank you .so i sent her a birthday gift and now she is asking for more . this was when my T very bluntly said . i will never have normal parents that both the mother and my father will only see me as someone to use and abuse . if i act like a good daughter to them that in there minds it gives them permission to do this to me . i had always felt they saw me this way as a child but not as an adult . it hit me like a ton of bricks and i have not been able to get it out of my head at all

It is horrible to realize that the people you love, and who are supposed to love you just don't have it in them to love you. It's hard to say what caused this in your mom, but it is definitely not your fault.

But still very painful. I am sorry you are going thru this. Hugs.

[granite1]

i can completely understand the mother for thinking this way when i was a child .i was so difficult. but to think of me this way as an adult just hits me hard . i have done nothing to her . i tried hard and it didnt matter .so now that i wont talk to her im the bad person . god it is just all messed up . i will always be the horrible one

[kecanoe]

Granite, you are definitely not the difficult one. I've read here some of the things the mother has done-she is the messed up one who tries to pin her stuff on you. She would be miserable and demanding and selfish even if you had never been born. Kids don't mess up parents.

You have done nothing mean. You have tried very, very hard to have some kind of a relationship with her. She is the loser in this because she is choosing to not have a nice relationship with you. Look at what she is missing out on!

[satsuma]

Originally Posted by granite1

i can completely understand the mother for thinking this way when i was a child .i was so difficult. but to think of me this way as an adult just hits me hard . i have done nothing to her . i tried hard and it didnt matter .so now that i wont talk to her im the bad person . god it is just all messed up . i will always be the horrible one

I think it's very upsetting to realise that there's nothing you can do to improve the relationship with the mother or make someone like that think better of you. She is always going to think badly of you, unfortunately.
But I do think it's good to realise there is nothing you can do - because this is not about you being bad or doing anything wrong. Not now, and not when you were a child either. It is all about how the mother is.
It's very sad about the way the mother is, but it's not a reflection on you in any way shape or form. I think your T realises that. It comes across very clearly to me from the things you post here.

[velcro003]

Originally Posted by granite1

i can completely understand the mother for thinking this way when i was a child .i was so difficult. but to think of me this way as an adult just hits me hard . i have done nothing to her . i tried hard and it didnt matter .so now that i wont talk to her im the bad person . god it is just all messed up . i will always be the horrible one

I think the first step in your healing towards all the abuse you did and do receive is to realize IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. But man, I know how hard it is to do, and my problems are nothing compared to yours. Keep it up granite, you are doing great.

Granite, difficult children do not deserve abuse. That's what my T would firmly say. No matter how difficult. Even a psychopathic child doesn't deserve abuse.

How are you doing granite? Thinking about you tonight.

[granite1]

wow thanks for asking art .i am doing ok right now . i seem to be a bit calm and it is ok .i am doing a lot of crafting and stuff keeping my mind busy . although i am a bit putight about it all im doing ok and enjoying the new class i am running . my son starts his new job monday and i am hoping against all hope that it is the beginning of him starting to figure things out for himself and to start feeling good about himself again . the mother keeps sending me friend requests for facebook .it is a huge struggle but so far i am holding firm and not accepting them . it is hard

I think you're doing such good work, granite. And I'm glad the crafting helps. Hope your son's new job works out for him. Hugs to you!

[TrailRunner14]

Hug Granite! What your are describing, I can totally relate to as far as your mom goes.

There are many thoughts that I want to share. I need to sort them out first. Just wanted to let you know that I relate to what you are saying.

Granite, block the mother on facebook if you can. That way she can't send you message requests via facebook as well

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by granite1

my T and i were talking about the mother and how i long to have a normal family. she was very strict in telling me that is not something i will ever be able to have . i was telling her about how the mother wants me to allow her to see my facebook as a mothers day gift . i cant do that .she will put her nose ware it doesnt belong . i had sent her a christmas gift and all she did was say thank you .so i sent her a birthday gift and now she is asking for more . this was when my T very bluntly said . i will never have normal parents that both the mother and my father will only see me as someone to use and abuse . if i act like a good daughter to them that in there minds it gives them permission to do this to me . i had always felt they saw me this way as a child but not as an adult . it hit me like a ton of bricks and i have not been able to get it out of my head at all

((Granite))

The hardest part of therapy to accept is that you'll never get any compensation for what you suffered.

Most Ts never dare to say this.

However: Your T must think you've made a tremendous amount of progress if she thinks you are ready to hear it.

[iheartjacques]

Hugs. It's so hard to accept that family members will never be what you would think they could be

[Sannah]

Hi Granite, your mom is messed up & will always be & you will never have a normal relationship with her. The only relationship that you will ever have with her is where you are compromised. You were a "difficult" child because she was a messed up mom. You deserved the best Granite & I'm sorry that you didn't get it when you were a child.

Sounds like you have moved along quite well in working with your T. Good work!