Confused/upset/angry after Therapy today :(

I had my all time worst session today :/ I was incredibly nervous going into it, more than ever before, which was weird because there was nothing particularly scary about going there today.. I've had treatment resistant depression for about 2 and a half years now..

But basically, the entire session was just a fail. It felt like T wasn't in it, or is giving up on me.. We went over a few things brought up in email and she didn't really dig at all. Up until today, I've always had this sense that T really 'got me', they'd always know when I was being sarcastic or avoiding certain things. Today I left feeling completely alone in this. The session didn't go as long and like, she didn't have anything to offer. It really feels like that's it, like there's no point in me ever going back because she's out of ideas. I am hurting so badly, I was comfortable with her, I trusted and had started to depend on this relationship. It feels like this has all just been smashed. Like I've spent 6 months building this relationship and now it is in turmoil. And maybe nothing will ever help. I even cried when I left - I do NOT cry. This is not ok.

Ahhhhhh :/

Sorry your session didn't go as well as you'd like.

If you set up another session, can talk to your T about your feelings? I know it can be hard to confront someone like that, but I think it would give you a sense of inner peace. Just be honest and say something gentle like, "I don't think our last session went well for me. I feel that we need to talk a little more about the things I brought up in my email last session, in particular [insert issue here]." Saying that should encourage her to dig a little more. She may not have been aware that she wasn't digging enough. And maybe her lack of digging could relate to her running out of ideas, etc..

Please don't give up on your therapist because of one poor session. Even if you feel that she screwed up, please give her another chance.

I also have treatment resistant depression and I've had sessions like this too. Lack of attunement with T results in me feeling totally hopeless (like, "if she doesn't get me, then she can't help me... and if she can't help me, am I going to be like this forever?). It's an awful feeling.

After some trial and error, it turns out that the best way for us to address this is for me to start the next session by saying, "our last session didn't sit well with me." And then we talk about why. It tends to be quite productive, actually. (b/c of course the dynamic btwn T and me and how I react to it is representative of how I tend to relate to ppl close to me, carries baggage from other relationships in my life yadda yadda yadda). I think the first time I did this I emailed her b/c I was really upset and also didn't know if I'd have the guts to bring it up when I was sitting across from her.

Sometimes she has no idea that I was upset when I left. (When I feel vulnerable, I adopt a very neutral facial expression and tone of voice. Protective in life, problematic in therapy). And she can't read my mind. So if I want her to have a better shot at attument, if I want to learn something in therapy, I have to tell her.

I agree to just talk with your therapist. Say, "When I left here last time I was crying, and I don't usually cry." And talk about how you felt. It'll be hard, but it will likely be very productive.

Sometimes I think they don't "dig" into things that might be painful because they want the client to decide how far to go. It can feel uncaring because we (or maybe just I, as a client) want the T to ask questions, to show interest and caring in that way. But it is probably hard to know how far a client wants to go when talking about difficult topics and may be better not to pressure or go too fast.

In any case, if therapy has been feeling helpful and good up to this point, I would not throw that away over one bad session. In a way it's good for the relationship to know that there will be bad days as well as good ones, and a bad day isn't the end of everything.

I had one terrible session too.
We discussed it, he apologized etc, but I still can't forget

Thanks for all the support everyone.. I know I probably should send T an email or something, maybe I will later on, I donno.. It's just hurting a whole lot at the moment, I don't really want to bring it to her attention either.. I donno, we'll see how I go I guess..

So I ended up sending a brief email just saying the I left in a bad state.. she replied with what seemed like some concern, I was hoping that she might call after my reply, but I've not heard back which is making me regret not spilling my guts in email.. I really want to talk with her, but I can't ask for that because my mind won't let me.. but it's just eating away at me :/

So I emailed her, and just said how bad I was feeling.. I got a reply,

What did the reply say? (I think your post got cut off)

Why yes, yes it did..
She I guess expressed a bit of concern.. I kind of replied with the hope of getting a phone call, but I didn't get a reply.. soooo now I'm waiting, and regretting not going into a bit of detail with it... I donno, I know if I want a call that I should just say so, but that's not something I am capable of..

Sorry you feel bad after your session. Always sucks when that happens,
Does your T usually allow phone contact out of session?
I think its good that you were honest and sent your T the email, what is your T's boundaries around email? Maybe you could send another one just explaining your worries regarding feeling alone in the relationship

Thanks, T is more than ok with emails, I just don't like to use it most of the time. I don't like bugging her outside of sessions, regardless of whether she is fine with it or not.. That and it always feels like an email isn't going to solve / help anything anyway...

I think I understand this particular anguish, 20oney. It's so hard to tell my T what I want and need. Sometimes I get angry at her because it seems like it wouldn't be that hard to guess what's going on inside my head (especially since I give her so many hints, hoping that she will pick up on them and spontaneously do or say whatever it is that I am longing for without my having to ask.)

I dunno, maybe T wants me to practice voicing my needs?

I think if I were in your place I would at least consider replying to T's email saying like "thank you for the reassurance. I feel pretty bad; do you have a few minutes to talk on the phone?" 'Cause I know that if she didn't want me to have "phone privileges" with her, she wouldn't have offered... and if she was too busy to call, she'd say so. But that is me and my T and of course I don't know you and your T.

Here are some thoughts from a veteran of "Why does my beloved T suddenly loathe me..."

1. Therapists don't change their feelings on a dime. Most of them, esp if they're good, are perfectly capable of navigating the ups and downs of intimate therapeutic relationships. So - it seems unlikely that she cared yesterday, but doesn't today.

2. Some days, T suck at their job. Even the best ones. Maybe she had to poop real bad and it was distracting her? You never know. Point is, we 'need' them to be perfect, but they're far from it...Doesn't mean she stopped caring.

3. All T, sooner or later, make a big mistake with their patient. I think if you are together long enough, it's inevitable. If a few big mistakes are inevitable, then a bunch of small ones are almost certain. This might be a good thing. You get to 'repair' the relationship in a way that might help you find more stability and certainty. Your T gets to show you that she still cares and is still invested. Pretty powerful stuff, even if painful.

4. I don't know you or your T, but it really sounds like she has no problem being available. Write, maybe tell her not to reply, but just write out all of how you feel. I always felt better when I knew my T was aware of exactly how much I was hurting. Sometimes she responds, sometimes I tell her not to. But it's enough to know that she knows. At least for me.

5. You haven't written anything that sounds like she's withdrawing. It was a hard session and you left turned inside-out. I bet you she already has a pretty good idea of how crappy you feel. And if that's the case, think about how valuable your relationship is...Maybe she thinks it best for you to tell her what you need? I had to learn how to do that...Ugh. I'd rather go to an under-trained dentist.

I have a lot of empathy for you. If I could sprinkle pixie dust and make things feel better, I would. But I think this - don't deprive yourself of reaching out to her because you don't want to bug her outside of sessions. She is your partner in this, and I can almost guarantee that she'd rather answer an email and help you feel better than leave you to suffer all weekend.

I would definitely talk to your T about this next session. She may have been trying to "give you some space" to express yourself or something but misread you and didn't understand that was not you needed. I've had (many) sessions like yours and one time my T decided sitting in silence for 15 mins was a good way to deal with it because the more she kept talking the more I shut down. I told her I didn't like the silence at all and was upset and angry by it so we don't do that anymore (at least not for that length of time). 6 months isn't actually that long and your T is still getting to know you so just because she doesn't get you 100% of the time it doesn't mean the relationship is ruined. I'm sure your T will be open to feedback and will hopefully adjust her approach with you in the future. I hope you feel better soon *hugs*.

I pretty well agree with all of this, and I can see that my mind is probably being a bit of an *** about the session.. I know that she probably still cares, maybe a little, but it just feels like she wonders why I keep showing up, she knows it's not helping me, and knowing that she's aware of this scares me into thinking she'll terminate out of guilt for taking my money..
T is not perfect, you're right, and she is going to make mistakes.. I can understand that this is a part of the therapy process and while I left feeling ridiculously horrid, we didn't talk about anything triggering, it wasn't even a productive session..

Then I get it into head that even telling her all of this won't help, because nothing ever does help, I send an indepth email, and feel nothing towards it. That, and I already replied and don't want to double up! Nor email of a weekend.. but it's also eating away a me, depriving me of any will to move forward in my life.. I donno, it's all sorts of messed up

That's exactly it too, in my mind, she should and does know that I hide and avoid a lot of time in therapy, and I don't want to have to say - this REALLY bugs me, please dig here. That is just not something that I could ever do... But, like anyone, I know that she can't read minds, so I'm not mad with the idea of her not knowing exactly what to do I guess.

I don't think I can ask for a phone call, simply because that would taking a gigantic step that is a little too confronting at this stage. I am certain that she would be fine with it, and schedule a time to do so, but the mind is a big NO to that....

Why does therapy have to be so damn hard?!

Ugh - I just posted a long reply and it was a messed up!!!!!

I hate it when that happens! -_-