[DelusionsDaily]

I'm not on much but I could really do with some I guess support more than help. I'll have not seen my therapist in 16 weeks when I go to see her next week Wednesday. I've been off meds for almost 8 months. I thought I had been holding my own but when my parents went out of town last week it hit me how off kilter I have been since grandmas death in October of last year. Basically I emailed her earlier this week with all the information about depression symptoms as well as suicidal stuff and to get an appointment next week versus March 28. While my therapist has never tried to get me committed that was when I saw her frequently and now I don't. I'm really scared to tell her the whole truth...while there's no hardened intent to do it...the thoughts are much the same as when I was in and out for attempts years ago. There's no backing out of the appointment but I know she's gonna dig and I'm now freaking out about being completely honest.

How do I find the courage to be honest COMPLETELY honest next wednesday when I see her?

[Argonautomobile]

I'm sorry you're struggling, DD. I hope you find a way to talk to your T. You can do it.

Hey, you've been missed! Could you type it all out in a letter and give it to her early in the session?

[kecanoe]

For me, when I was able to say that I'd been feeling like --- for a while, but hadn't acted on it, t decided to trust that I would continue to not act. Being knocked off kilter by a death is not unusual, and you have been coping since then. That would seem to indicate that you are safe, although maybe seeing t more often or working out a safety plan or something like that would be a good idea.

[DelusionsDaily]

I don't know about any of that. We'll see when the day comes. I'm guessing I'll be honest somehow but honestly I'm thinking no show. At least right now I'm too scared to even go.

[DelusionsDaily]

I emailed T about the horrible anxiety about the appointment Wednesday. Told her I'm having very strong urges to cancel because of it but that I won't because I don't want to cause unnecessary extra concern. Mostly I won't because I am afraid if I cancel or don't show she'll call to have a welfare check or some ludicrous crap done. I probably won't hear back from her until Monday. Definitely struggling but not enough to deem anything like that. That and I have a better chance to talk her out of anything more than what I want if I'm face to face talking to her.

[thesnowqueen]

Is the anxiety about talking about the thoughts or about the possibility of being committed?

[DelusionsDaily]

I think its both honestly. I don't really believe she'd send for eval for commitment but seeing as I don't see her nearly as often and can't afford to, she may, and that would be the result of talking about the thoughts.

[thesnowqueen]

Most Ts I've seen have had me agree to phone them in an emergency - i.e. - if I feel like I'm actually going to do something destructive. I think this is a lot more likely. I also think the whole point of going is to discuss where you are at emotionally and it would be a wasted opportunity if you felt like you needed to hide things. I think it best to be open both about what care you can currently afford and how you are feeling and to get her advice? Easier said than done, I know...

[DelusionsDaily]

True. However, risking loss of freedom and forced medication is ABSOLUTELY NOT an option. That should be my choice no matter what. Again I'm gonna go and talk to her but how much I tell her will depend solely on her responses. One slight flinch from her and I'll shut it down completely.

[DelusionsDaily]

Sorry if the last post came off a little harsh. I'm trying really hard to keep it together and the more I try to do that the more I feel like I'm unravelling. Again, sorry.

[MBM17]

So the appointment is today? (Technically it's after midnight here, so I guess that's the correct word to say.)

[thesnowqueen]

Originally Posted by DelusionsDaily

Sorry if the last post came off a little harsh. I'm trying really hard to keep it together and the more I try to do that the more I feel like I'm unravelling. Again, sorry.

No, it didn't at all! Apologies, for not having seen your reply before. I do get your point. Hope things worked out; please let us know!

[DelusionsDaily]

Thanks everyone! I'm hanging in there. Appointment is at 11am Wednesday. T emailed back and based on the the email she would have let me cancel but I kept it despite my struggle with the anxiety. Distracting myself with reading a book called "Medication Madness" by Peter R Breggin. Haven't gotten too far but it's already eye opening.

[unaluna]

At first glance, i cannot tell your avatar apart from snowqueens. The eye looks like a penguin. Is it just me?

[lucozader]

Originally Posted by unaluna

At first glance, i cannot tell your avatar apart from snowqueens. The eye looks like a penguin. Is it just me?

I've been thinking it's a dolphin!

[MBM17]

I agree about the avatars - I thought at first that Delusions was having a conversation with himself within the thread because they look so similar. I thought it was a dolphin too!

[DelusionsDaily]

LOL! That's funny guys! The eye avatar is almost illusion-like when glancing at it. I sometimes have to look twice to realize what it is.

Originally Posted by DelusionsDaily

LOL! That's funny guys! The eye avatar is almost illusion-like when glancing at it. I sometimes have to look twice to realize what it is.

Looks like u need a username change

IllusionsDaily

Much more fitting

But for the record, I did think it was a dolphin

[DelusionsDaily]

If I hadn't been in the eye avatars I would have thought that too. And sometimes glance at it I feel that way.

[atisketatasket]

I think it looks like a falcon?