[Loco4]

How to bring it up? Should I discuss my hesitations and worries? Yet I still feel like I really want touch in therapy.

[Waterbear]

I know when I did I literally sported out everything I thought on the topic onto paper and then just read it from the paper. Then she had all of the information from me and could make a decision on whether or not to include it in our therapy. We do use touch in therapy.

It is important that all of your thoughts around it are out in the open, in my opinion.

[ScarletPimpernel]

When I first asked, I asked what her boundaries are with touch. I didn't directly ask if hugs, holding hands, etc were okay. We discussed why it was important to me. Then she asked what I wanted. She then told me what she was willing to do (hugs), and what she's not willing to do (hold hands, touch my arm or leg, hold me, etc.).

I think for my Pdoc, I directly asked her if hugs were okay. I think because that's the only form of touch I wanted from her. I did pre-warn? her that I understood if she said no, but it would hurt my feelings. I also said it was very important to me to ask. I told her if I didn't ask, I would always wonder.

[Loco4]

I never had to courage to bring it up. At my last session T outwardly told me that she feels like sometimes I need a pat on the back or a hug and she's okay with that. She said she could guess when I needed it, but I jumped in and said it would be better if I asked for it. I figured I need to learn when to ask for things. At the end of the session I just sat there, she finally stood up. I put my hands over my face and sighed. Then I stood up to walk out. She asked me what's up and I said nothing. Then she said do you need a hug. I said yes, she came over to hug me. She said something like should we do it like this and I freaked out and said I don't know. She said let's just try it. We hugged briefly. I was so overwhelmed but comforted at the same time. I think I'll be more relaxed next time... did anyone else find that they were less anxious after the first one?

[wheeler]

My T and I have been discussing hugs fo a while now. It's been very hard to accept that she doesn't do hugs.

[chasse]

Hi Loco
I don't know if my T usually hugs clients or not.
After a particularly difficult session I was struggling with getting rid of my high level of distress so I could leave and get on with my day. I was crying a lot and T came up to me and said 'you look like you need a hug, is it ok if i hug you?'
I was surprised but nodded and so she hugged me. it helped me to feel ok to leave as it felt soothing.
This is the first time and only time I have had touch in our sessions.
I think it is ok. If it helps and neither feels uncomfortable then it should be ok.
I saw a more human side to her that day and it really did help me as I was struggling a bit.

[Electric76]

Last year around the time of the Orlando shooting I was talking about how ungrounded and anxiously depressed I felt and how one thing I'm really lacking is touch. I was really wishing I had a friend to side hug rest my head on. My T reflected back how touch can be really healing and there can definitely be a lack in ones life. She did offer to use "therapeutic touch" if I was open to that. I didn't understand what that entailed exactly but she said she would sit next to me and use touch thoughtfully and intentionally with clear boundaries. The formality of it plus the idea of shifting the therapeautic frame didn't appeal to me but I have continued to be curious about what that looks like. Anyway touch in therapy does exist and this is how I brought it up

[SilentMelodee]

I've never brought it up. Of course it would depend on what KIND of touch you want. Just a hug at the end....I think a fair amount of therapists do that, but holding hands or something like that seems too intimate, but I am one who finds "energy transfer" so to speak, excellent. I would find it helpful.

[captgut]

Once i give T a small present and he said "i'd like to hug you"
i just forgot how to speak lol, answered nothing so we didn't hug (((
i thought it was my only chance to hug him, but after about 3 month we met after a three weeks break and he asked "do you want to hug?" and i answered "I WOULD BE SO HAPPY". the second time was quite the same, and the third - he hugged me at the end of the session where i gave him a book written by me. omg i was so touched i can't forget it
in the end of december we met after a break again, but we didn't hug and he told nothing. i was upset but it's ok

anyway i think it's absolutely ok to ask your T about hugs or smth, but only if you're strong enough. i'd never ask (and i'll never ask in the future too), because if he says "no" it'll break my heart and make me feeling guilty.
so i'll just wait and hope it wasn't our last hug

[HALLIEBETH87]

Ive never discussed this with my t. She's given me
Hugs since day 1.

[ScarletPimpernel]

I always find the first hug awkward. After that, it slowly becomes more natural.

[MobiusPsyche]

See that's the problem. I've discussed it with my T by asking what is your policy on touch. She said she sometimes gives a hug at the last session. But if the first hug is also the last hug, what if it does feel a little awkward? I don't want an awkward hug to be my last memory of T.

[precaryous]

PrevT- With PrevT, I'm afraid I didn't know to discuss it first. At one point in therapy I became very upset and went to take a hug from her. But she gently rebuffed me. It hurt my feelings and I was embarrassed.

She did not touch in therapy at all. She explained she didn't want to confuse me since I had just left the Pdoc that intimately exploited me. She wanted to have clear boundaries with me. Yet, when my 15-16 y/o daughter attended therapy with us, PrevT and her hugged at the end of the session and I became livid. I said something like, "I *forbid* you to hug my daughter." Don't know if I was having a protective flashback, or what.

CurrentT- I just figured she would not touch or hug me at all due to my history. We didn't discuss it at first. I just sorta told her this is the way PrevT dealt with touch, etc. Later, I noticed CurrentT hugged some of her clients goodbye..so I brought it up again and this time I asked her what her thoughts were on touch in therapy. Sometimes we hug goodbye now when I'm in the waiting room getting ready to leave, sometimes we don't. She leaves it up to me. There is no other kind of touching in our therapy.

Sometimes I wonder if she does the goodbye hugs in the waiting room to have witnesses and protect herself. I worry, sometimes, that my doctors worry I will sue them, too. If this ever concerned T, I don't think she worries about it any more.

[nottrustin]

I never had to bring it up. A few months after I started seeing her we were discussing something painful. When I got up to leave she asked if she could give me a hug. I agreed. For the next few sessions she asked me at the end for a hug. Then we just started hugging at the end of every session.

I can see some therapeutic purpose for me. First of all we were discussing my abuse. I was struggling and the touch was very comforting coming from her. Also, I had already told her that my husband and son arts huge huggers. I am not but that I was trying to get more comfortable with it with them. I never told them no but at times it was very difficult. Hugging her for some reason helped me more comfortable with not only my family also cl I see friends. but

[junkDNA]

Originally Posted by precaryous

Sometimes I wonder if she does the goodbye hugs in the waiting room to have witnesses and protect herself. I worry, sometimes, that my doctors worry I will sue them, too. If this ever concerned T, I don't think she worries about it any more.

i have the same fear!!!! my T has hugged me without anyone around. but i do worry he thinks im gonna report him or something

I brought up my desire to be hugged. I told T I wanted hugs and asked her to hear my reasons out.

I made it clear that I wanted her to not feel coerced or pressured into deciding whether or not touch would be included. I told her about my previous request to ex T about touch and hugs and how that went. I emphasized that I wanted any touch to be something she would not ever resent giving because I would handle things being "taken away" pretty badly. So I wanted to be sure that if she said yes, she wouldn't resent it.

I said I wanted touch like a hug or pat on the knee / shoulder because I felt I was subhuman, disgusting, untouchable, because my family of origin is punitive and coldly unaffectionate, because I had to be the one hugging and soothing my mother after almost every episode of her rage fuelled violence towards me.

I told her how I felt less monstrous when she'd once touched my knee spontaneously during a moment, and how I treasured that human gesture.

So, we agreed on that I have to initiate the hug, and she won't initiate it.

At first, for many sessions, I always asked "Can I hug you?" before I hugged her. When especially unsure eg when feeling particularly strongly that I'm disgusting, I'd ask her if she still wanted to allow hugs and ask if she was allowing it because she felt she couldn't back out on it. She would say "Sure, you can hug me.", "Do you want your hug or not? " and stand up for it, or sometimes would just stand up wordlessly and open her arms slightly or step into hug range. She would also remind me that she wouldn't offer something she'd grow to resent. I slowly shifted to just standing up and wordlessly extending my arms as she stood.

Some months later, she did ask if hugging was beneficial for me. I took it the wrong way and melted down into tears saying that I thought she promised "she wouldn't give what she would later resent and take away". We talked about it and cleared it up. I still hug her at least once at the end if a session. Sometimes more if I feel especially...clingy.

Once mid session, when talking about something difficult, I felt particularly ashamed and disgusting. I stood and went to her chair to put my arms around her as a way of seeking comfort / reassurance.

[Loco4]

Originally Posted by Loco4

I never had to courage to bring it up. At my last session T outwardly told me that she feels like sometimes I need a pat on the back or a hug and she's okay with that. She said she could guess when I needed it, but I jumped in and said it would be better if I asked for it. I figured I need to learn when to ask for things. At the end of the session I just sat there, she finally stood up. I put my hands over my face and sighed. Then I stood up to walk out. She asked me what's up and I said nothing. Then she said do you need a hug. I said yes, she came over to hug me. She said something like should we do it like this and I freaked out and said I don't know. She said let's just try it. We hugged briefly. I was so overwhelmed but comforted at the same time. I think I'll be more relaxed next time... did anyone else find that they were less anxious after the first one?

Bit of an update. My T hugged me again at the end of our last session. We have our next one in 3 days. I really feel we need to talk about it... otherwise I will start to get really anxious about hugs.

Do I get hugs goodbye now? I feel like I can't really hug back... I'd like to know what the boundaries are. That's pretty reasonable right? Or am I being super neutroic?

It's definitely reasonable to want to know where the boundaries are. I hope you can clarify things as much as you nerd with your T.

[Loco4]

Originally Posted by QuietMind

It's definitely reasonable to want to know where the boundaries are. I hope you can clarify things as much as you nerd with your T.

Thanks, I'm really nervous about talking about it. Hopefully it will go okay.

When do you next see your T?

[Loco4]

Tomorrow

Good luck!

[Loco4]

I didn't get a chance to bring it up. T also didn't initiate a hug when I left. As expected I was devastated, I left such a wreck!

Dang Hugs to you. Does your T offer out of session contact? Thinking you could text/email her to bring it up so you aren't left agonizing until your next session.

If there's no out of session contact, maybe you can write/type questions on her boundaries onto a note for next time?

[Loco4]

Originally Posted by QuietMind

Dang Hugs to you. Does your T offer out of session contact? Thinking you could text/email her to bring it up so you aren't left agonizing until your next session.

If there's no out of session contact, maybe you can write/type questions on her boundaries onto a note for next time?

Thanks for replying. She does offer out of session contact. I written and email to send her tomorrow. Feeling much calmer already