[granite1]

so today's session we talked about feeling guilty about not having anything to do with the mother . sense i have not been talking to her the guilt has been horrible . i don't know if it is worth it . she says that she can help with that. but then says i can choose not to feel guilty because i have done nothing wrong .my response was that maybe i need to start making that list of things i have done wrong that we had talked about .she said i could and then we could burn it because again i have done nothing wrong . i just dont know how to change my thinking around this . i want so badly to call the mother but im terrified of hearing her voice. the one she uses when she is so disappointed in me.or is so angry. i never looked at that as a trigger but i guess it is .my T said when when i talk to her or hear her voice she has noticed that it is a major trigger and i tend to loose who i am .this is why she thinks it is so important that i no longer have contact with her. we are talking about weather it would be good for me to talk about the past.she said that maybe we can just leave it if i feel that i can live with the horrible things that the mother did to me . there are times i want so badly to talk to her about all the horrible stuff that i survived but when it comes to it i completely shut down. i never have talked much about it .i have not been able to . so i dont know

[satsuma]

Perhaps it is a good thing to not have contact with the mother. I have had similar conversations with my T, about too much contact with some people being a trigger. For me it triggers ptsd symptoms - nightmares and things like that.
I wonder if you can continue for a few months with no contact, perhaps you will begin to notice that it's doing you good and that some things are easier. In my opinion it is worth trying.

[growlycat]

I have to shut out my dad from my life. I don't want to not have a dad but he is so toxic and threatens violence at the drop of a hat. I understand the guilt. Try to remember that she created this situation not you. You are protecting yourself and that is a good thing.

[velcro003]

Originally Posted by growlycat

I have to shut out my dad from my life. I don't want to not have a dad but he is so toxic and threatens violence at the drop of a hat. I understand the guilt. Try to remember that she created this situation not you. You are protecting yourself and that is a good thing.

couldn't say it better myself. Granite, i went through about 1% of what you did growing up, and I spent YEARS avoiding talking to my mother. It is better now, but really it is only bc she got help and has changed. Your mother will ONLY make you feel worse if you contact her. I hope you know that. Keep talking to your T about the guilt, bc I think she can help.

You are doing the right thing, believe me. She is 100% toxic, and you don't need that.

[captgut]

I wish i could stop all contact with my parents...Maybe move to another city.. But i feel extremely guilty

Originally Posted by captgut

I wish i could stop all contact with my parents...Maybe move to another city.. But i feel extremely guilty

I hear you. Some parents guilt children by insisting their children must care for them, accuse their children of wanting to be unfilial and of wanting to abandon them. Some also never teach you life skills so you do feel dependent and unable to survive without them.

For years I believed my sole purpose in life was to provide for my brothers and care for my parents when they became elderly. I believed I had no right to any life outside familial duty. I believed I wouldn't be able to survive outside the family home and wouldn't be able to leave.

Granite, your mother is not good for you. This guilt is unearned guilt.

I'm afraid you learn to live with the guilt.
I stopped speaking to my mother 10yrs ago. I found out recently she died 5 yes ago.
No one told me. I howled to the moon with pain.

But, drip by drip now she's gone and there's room for me, I'm seeing the reality of what our relationship was.
Guilt was always there. She put it there. She raised me with it.
Our not talking was a symptom. She was the mother, the mothers job is to pick up the bits of the relationship that get dropped. I know I do as a mother. I've never installed guilt in my children. If they stopped talking to me I'd sit on their doorstep until they did. Not that there would. Our relationship is continual.
Toxic mother, daughter relationships leave scars. Leave doubts, leave regrets.
But at the end of the day, what did we as daughters do wrong? And if we did do wrong, a loving mother forgives.
I look back when I feel guilt, and find no evidence that my mother was loving.

It still hurts to know my mother left this earth without us have fixed the breakdown. But then she really couldn't have wanted too and if I'm honest and she was still alive, I'd still not be in touch with her. Her guilt inducements were to painful. Her voice, her accusations.
I miss her, I'm sad, but I'm missing and sad for the mother she could never be. I have daughters, I know now what's my duty and what's not. My mother fails that comparison.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by satsuma

Perhaps it is a good thing to not have contact with the mother. I have had similar conversations with my T, about too much contact with some people being a trigger. For me it triggers ptsd symptoms - nightmares and things like that.
I wonder if you can continue for a few months with no contact, perhaps you will begin to notice that it's doing you good and that some things are easier. In my opinion it is worth trying.

i feel now that im not having anything to do with her she is on my mind even more .i fear her more. im dreaming and she is always in my dreams in a terrifying way .i never use to dream. im stressed about her all the time to the point im sick to my stomach . so i really dont know what is better . i am terrified of the woman on a good day but to know she is out there furious at me for not talking to her is sometimes paralyzing .

[granite1]

Originally Posted by growlycat

I have to shut out my dad from my life. I don't want to not have a dad but he is so toxic and threatens violence at the drop of a hat. I understand the guilt. Try to remember that she created this situation not you. You are protecting yourself and that is a good thing.

im so sorry about what you go through with your dad. my dad doesnt threaten me he is just down right mean and judgmental towards every thing i am . i will never be enough for him because i dont live his life .to him i am a complete failure as a person and always will be . he has no problem voicing this to me or anyone else who will listen to him .even if im standing right next to the person he is talking to .

[granite1]

Originally Posted by velcro003

couldn't say it better myself. Granite, i went through about 1% of what you did growing up, and I spent YEARS avoiding talking to my mother. It is better now, but really it is only bc she got help and has changed. Your mother will ONLY make you feel worse if you contact her. I hope you know that. Keep talking to your T about the guilt, bc I think she can help.

You are doing the right thing, believe me. She is 100% toxic, and you don't need that.

hi velcro .how are you ? my T says the mother will never change .that she doesnt want to . i dont think she feels she has done anything wrong. T says that maybe if she decided to get help and do a lot of work on herself then maybe .i dont understand what happened to her. what made her who she is and how she is . i know she got married at a young age to get out of the house but i have no idea what she was running from

[granite1]

Originally Posted by captgut

I wish i could stop all contact with my parents...Maybe move to another city.. But i feel extremely guilty

i so get the guilt.it can be so horrible. it is like deciding between two horrible situations . in fact even thinking about this gets me so angry that it has to be this way .what the hell did i do that there seems to be no right to the situation .

[granite1]

Originally Posted by QuietMind

I hear you. Some parents guilt children by insisting their children must care for them, accuse their children of wanting to be unfilial and of wanting to abandon them. Some also never teach you life skills so you do feel dependent and unable to survive without them.

For years I believed my sole purpose in life was to provide for my brothers and care for my parents when they became elderly. I believed I had no right to any life outside familial duty. I believed I wouldn't be able to survive outside the family home and wouldn't be able to leave.

Granite, your mother is not good for you. This guilt is unearned guilt.

this is my parents exactly .in fact the mother used these exact words when talking to my husband . she said that i left her when i was young and she doesnt want me to abandon her again. she even told me that she is depending on me to take care of her when she is unable to . my farther feels he is just paying me for services rendered .because he is supposedly leaving me all his money it is expected im to care for him and my step mother as they get older . it is amazing how my family feels this is there right . i was taken away at the age if 15 and raised by group homes . they did very little to raise me and did nothing to help me financially but the mother expects me to hand over money left and right to help her when needed . it is amazing .

Granite, the mother and the father hurt you a lot, they have wronged you, wounded you, abused you.

You was taken away at 15, you didn't abandon her. How DARE she say that?! You were taken away because they treated you SO VERY HORRIBLY. THEY abandoned you as a young child by commiting cruelty on you. You are innocent.

You don't owe them anything. The gall of them to demand care from you!

[granite1]

Originally Posted by _Mouse

I'm afraid you learn to live with the guilt.
I stopped speaking to my mother 10yrs ago. I found out recently she died 5 yes ago.
No one told me. I howled to the moon with pain.

But, drip by drip now she's gone and there's room for me, I'm seeing the reality of what our relationship was.
Guilt was always there. She put it there. She raised me with it.
Our not talking was a symptom. She was the mother, the mothers job is to pick up the bits of the relationship that get dropped. I know I do as a mother. I've never installed guilt in my children. If they stopped talking to me I'd sit on their doorstep until they did. Not that there would. Our relationship is continual.
Toxic mother, daughter relationships leave scars. Leave doubts, leave regrets.
But at the end of the day, what did we as daughters do wrong? And if we did do wrong, a loving mother forgives.
I look back when I feel guilt, and find no evidence that my mother was loving.

It still hurts to know my mother left this earth without us have fixed the breakdown. But then she really couldn't have wanted too and if I'm honest and she was still alive, I'd still not be in touch with her. Her guilt inducements were to painful. Her voice, her accusations.
I miss her, I'm sad, but I'm missing and sad for the mother she could never be. I have daughters, I know now what's my duty and what's not. My mother fails that comparison.

thanks for sharing such a personal story . my therapist is trying to get me to see that i did nothing wrong but i have a huge list of all the horrible things i did .

[satsuma]

Originally Posted by granite1

i feel now that im not having anything to do with her she is on my mind even more .i fear her more. im dreaming and she is always in my dreams in a terrifying way .i never use to dream. im stressed about her all the time to the point im sick to my stomach . so i really dont know what is better . i am terrified of the woman on a good day but to know she is out there furious at me for not talking to her is sometimes paralyzing .

I'm sorry it's so hard.
I still think your T is right, and in the long run, the less contact you have the better.
You're working really hard with T to come to a new understanding of the things that happened, understanding that it's not because you were or are bad. If you have contact with the mother, it probably keeps you in mind of the mother's awful view of you,and makes it harder to hold on to the things you are working on in therapy.so I still think in the long run it will be better.
I hope the nightmares ease off. It sounds horrible.
I still get nightmares sometimes, and I have some medication for those times to help me sleep. Don't know if that would be a helpful thing for you.

[captgut]

My parents are making plans for my future again...
What should I say?
"Stop it, I have my own life"?
or

Possible trigger:

i'm going to kill myself in June, I have no future

?

But I say nothing. Guilty guilty guilty

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by granite1

i feel now that im not having anything to do with her she is on my mind even more .i fear her more. im dreaming and she is always in my dreams in a terrifying way .i never use to dream. im stressed about her all the time to the point im sick to my stomach . so i really dont know what is better . i am terrified of the woman on a good day but to know she is out there furious at me for not talking to her is sometimes paralyzing .

Hi Granite, I think that traumatized people like to keep an eye on their abusers to stay safe & to keep the surprises away.