[Inner_Firefly]

How do I not feel so dependent on T's approval, and so crushed when she doesn't understand me?

The last few sessions, T hasn't been her usual gentle, empathic self, instead she bluntly disapproved of some decisions* I made that I felt were right for me.

That was 8 months ago, and I haven't been able to go back out of fear of feeling stupid and misunderstood again.

*My decisions turned out to be right (at least in my opinion), and I appreciated her different point of view, but I still felt hurt when she didn't understand the emotional struggles and reasons behind my decisions.

I finally made an appointment for next week, but I'm scared to tell her anything, what if she disapproves of my ideas again?

I guess I just never ran my decisions by my therapist now that I think about it. My therapy was more about my reactions to what was going on in my present (decisions already made) and how that tied to by history. I was never one to run my future decision-making by my therapists.

There were definitely times when my T and I had a disconnect, when he really wasn't getting something I was trying to communicate. But I guess I just persisted in finding ways to help him understand (and he usually eventually did). I wasn't really disappointed or hurt by his lack of understanding at times; I just took it as an indicator that we were coming from very different perspectives and personalities about certain things and that it would just take more discussion to finally reach that connection of understanding about those particular things.

[Out There]

I struggle a LOT with that , but it's a little more like inappropriate responses than approval. It's caused ruptures twice and we've had to work on it I can understand your feelings around that - it is scary. I doubt somehow my T always approves of my decisions , but we have to do what's best for us. And it seems your decisions were right ? Wish you well with this.

[satsuma]

I think Ts need to be careful with expressing approval/disapproval, especially around things that we are not directly working on in therapy.
I mean it would be unrealistic for T to have no opinion on any topic - they're human so of course they do. But I think that they, and we, have to be aware that each person takes responsibility and lives their own life.
T is there to help, support, maybe to guide, but not to make decisions for us.

[Argonautomobile]

I think that it's not uncommon. I hope you can talk to her about it.

[SummerTime12]

I think it's normal to desire approval from your T. I think of it like this - if my T, who knows most of my worst secrets and things I'm deeply ashamed of, can still accept and approve of me, then that means I must not be a terrible person after all. So I can understand feeling hurt when your T expresses disapproval and seems to be failing to empathize with you on a particular issue. I've been there before and it's very frustrating, I hope you can work this out by talking it through.

[Rizzar]

Hello, Inner_Firefly. My suggestion is for you to print a copy of your post for your therapist. Achieving a good result in therapy is greatly influenced by your relationship. You and she need to deal with your concerns.

Good luck.

[Inner_Firefly]

Originally Posted by lolagrace

I guess I just never ran my decisions by my therapist now that I think about it. My therapy was more about my reactions to what was going on in my present (decisions already made) and how that tied to by history. I was never one to run my future decision-making by my therapists.

There were definitely times when my T and I had a disconnect, when he really wasn't getting something I was trying to communicate. But I guess I just persisted in finding ways to help him understand (and he usually eventually did). I wasn't really disappointed or hurt by his lack of understanding at times; I just took it as an indicator that we were coming from very different perspectives and personalities about certain things and that it would just take more discussion to finally reach that connection of understanding about those particular things.

So interesting to hear what you use your session for, and how you deal with having different perspectives, thank you for sharing!

Originally Posted by Out There

I struggle a LOT with that , but it's a little more like inappropriate responses than approval. It's caused ruptures twice and we've had to work on it I can understand your feelings around that - it is scary. I doubt somehow my T always approves of my decisions , but we have to do what's best for us. And it seems your decisions were right ? Wish you well with this.

Thank you so much. Sorry to hear you also struggle and have had ruptures, yes, scary isnt' it, but also an opportunity for growth and greater understanding. Wishing you all the best too!

Originally Posted by satsuma

I think Ts need to be careful with expressing approval/disapproval, especially around things that we are not directly working on in therapy.
I mean it would be unrealistic for T to have no opinion on any topic - they're human so of course they do. But I think that they, and we, have to be aware that each person takes responsibility and lives their own life.
T is there to help, support, maybe to guide, but not to make decisions for us.

Thank you, you're so right!

Originally Posted by Argonautomobile

I think that it's not uncommon. I hope you can talk to her about it.

Thank you Argo, I'll be sure to!

Originally Posted by SummerTime12

I think it's normal to desire approval from your T. I think of it like this - if my T, who knows most of my worst secrets and things I'm deeply ashamed of, can still accept and approve of me, then that means I must not be a terrible person after all. So I can understand feeling hurt when your T expresses disapproval and seems to be failing to empathize with you on a particular issue. I've been there before and it's very frustrating, I hope you can work this out by talking it through.

Thank you, you really understand how it's like! Yes, I'll be sure to talk about this with T!

Originally Posted by Rizzar

Hello, Inner_Firefly. My suggestion is for you to print a copy of your post for your therapist. Achieving a good result in therapy is greatly influenced by your relationship. You and she need to deal with your concerns.

Good luck.

Hi Rizzar, that's a good idea, yes, I'm sure we'll talk about it and reach a deeper understanding together!