[hopealwayz]

The past 2 emails that T has sent me was :

Change can be difficult. If you would like I can give you a few referrals of people I trust deeply.

And

No problem. I have some referrals that you would be perfect for. Thanks for your time.

And he won't answer any question related to him staying as my T.

What has been the content of your emails? It's hard to interpret his email without knowing the context of your emails to him.

[satsuma]

I don't know the context of what the email exchange was about, but I see that from this extract he seems to be suggesting that you look at other Ts. Did you say something about that in your email?
It's hard to know what else to say without knowing context - whether it would be a good idea to look for another T, because this one is not suited to you / not the one you need, or whether this relates to you being unable to trust T and perhaps it would be better to try to make efforts towards that.
Do you think that you would like to see a different T?

[Wonderfalls]

Well, by themselves it of course makes it sound like he's trying to send you to someone else--meaning out of his own practice. What else would they mean? But if you e-mailed him a bunch of stuff about how you can't work with him then his is the natural response. You can't expect him to get on his knees and beg you to stay no matter what. No one should be required to do that.

[ScarletPimpernel]

From what you have written on these forums, you come across as really needy. And you don't have very good boundaries. That's okay. Therapy is where you will learn to better those things. But your needs might surpass what the therapist can give. You want emails, texts, hugs, etc. Some therapist are okay with it; others are not. And in my opinion, those things aren't healthy for you.

Maybe you need more intensive treatment like outpatient or even inpatient?

Like the others said, we can't make sense of the response without knowing what you wrote.

[hopealwayz]

I left your office in tears. I don't know if I want to come back.

[hopealwayz]

Change can be difficult. If you would like I can give you a few referrals of people I trust deeply.

[hopealwayz]

I feel like you're just pushing me out faster so I'm one less person that you have to deal with. Obviously, you don't want to deal with me. You'd probably rather refer me out than deal with me.

I'm really hurting after our session. And I'm not scheduled to see you again until the 17th. But I'm really hurting.

You want me to go somewhere else?

Please don't give up on me.

I'm heartbroken. Do you want to refer me out to someone else?

Will you still try to get me in next week?

Please write me back. I'm worried that you want to get rid of me.

Goodbye. Thanks for everything.

No problem. I have some referrals that you would be perfect for. Thanks for your time.

Originally Posted by hopealwayz

I feel like you're just pushing me out faster so I'm one less person that you have to deal with. Obviously, you don't want to deal with me. You'd probably rather refer me out than deal with me.

I'm really hurting after our session. And I'm not scheduled to see you again until the 17th. But I'm really hurting.

You want me to go somewhere else?

Please don't give up on me.

I'm heartbroken. Do you want to refer me out to someone else?

Will you still try to get me in next week?

Please write me back. I'm worried that you want to get rid of me.

Goodbye. Thanks for everything.

No problem. I have some referrals that you would be perfect for. Thanks for your time.

Wow, so am I correct in assuming that all of these messages are from you, and the last one is from him? If so, you are giving very mixed signals, but some are pointing towards wanting to see someone else. I think his responses are perfectly reasonable.

This is not your T wanting to get rid of you. This is just your T responding rationally to the mixed signals you are giving out.

[lucozader]

You said that you weren't sure that you wanted to come back (and later implied that you weren't by saying goodbye), and he took you at face value... my impression is that you didn't want him to do that, you wanted him to beg you not to leave, but therapists can't do that - he has to assume that you mean what you say. Why are you telling him that you won't come back if that's not what you want? Are you trying to test his loyalty to you (no judgement implied, I try to test my T all the time - it never seems to do me much good though)? Does that make sense to you?

I don't think he wants to 'get rid of' you. He's just, as I said, taking what you say at face value.

I'm sorry you're suffering so much with this. It's horrible to feel rejected or unwanted. I think you really need a strong and steady and predictable and boundaried therapist to stick with you.

[slowandgentle]

Oh, Hope, this is not going well for you, I'm sorry

It sounds Ike your T is calling your bluff to a degree - you've told him you don't want to
go back, you've accused him of all sorts of stuff in the second email that can't help the relationship. You're using txt/email when you KNOW it has contributed to destroying T relationships in the past, and he's probably just a bit unsure how he can help you any more (hence the referral).

I know it would be enormously difficult - but do you think you could make the appt for the next session with the receptionist, hold off on texting or emailing him til you see him then (it's highly unlikely he is going to terminate you via txt unless you keep doing what you're doing right now), and go in and be honest with him about what is really going on here: stop acting out and use your words, e.g

T, I am terrified you will leave because everybody always does. I can't seem to stop
myself texting/emailing, and I really need help with that. I need help to not sabotage this therapeutic relationship and I need help to stop attacking you when you don't immediately respond or be the perfect T. In return, I know there are some things I need to do. In need to better respect your boundaries etc etc

Do you think it would be possible to look at it like this? You MUST do this F2F if you are to have any credibility, and you MUST NOT send a single other text or email or make any out of session contact in any way.

I know it's a big leap from where you are, but there is a bunch of people here who really care and who could help you get ready for that next session, and, maybe also help you in the meantime contain some of the panic that is causing you to seek instant connections and reassurance from him in ways that are really destructive to the relationship.

Also, have you ever done any DBT work? I'm just starting an online course and finding it really, really helpful with these sorts of of really difficult (if you just don't have the skills on boards scenarios.

[hopealwayz]

I sent this one:

I would like an appointment next week and I want to keep my appointment on the 17th. you are the perfect therapist for me.

I'm sorry that I tried to push you away. That's a problem that I need to work on in therapy. I don't want any referrals. I want you for a therapist. You are an excellent therapist. I'm sorry that I screw things up.
Are we okay? Will you still work with me? I'm so, so sorry.

[satsuma]

Hope, I really agree with what slowandgentle wrote. I think it is a problem not being able to trust people, and it's a problem that can lead to actually sabotaging a relationship until you get the outcome that you fear, e.g. that a T agrees to refer you to someone else. ( I don't think your T has done this, but has said that he could / is willing to).
I don't think it's because you're bad and I'm not judging you. I have had similar problems. I am much much better now, thanks to a therapist who was partly willing to put up with quite a lot in my bad moments, but also willing to do some really hard work with me over a long period of time.
I think you definitely need a T who can help you to overcome this problem, and learn not to push people away out of fear. I hope you can discuss this with your new T. If they feel they are not equipped for this kind of problem then it may be worth taking up the referral, because you need someone confident in working with these kinds of problems who will be in it for the long haul.
BTW, have you tried schema therapy? I have found it very very helpful, and it works directly on this kind of thing (fear of abandonment, and other things).

[slowandgentle]

Good going, hope. What's your plan for if/when he texts back or the receptionist calls to confirm an appt time? What if it's a response that triggers abandonment stuff inside of you? What will you do to calm yourself down and take care of you til next session? What will you do to stop yourself emailing/texting/calling til then? It's ok if you don't have one, but I really think you need one - both for your own comfort and safety and to preserve this important relationship in your life (which is also about comfort and safety).

[lucozader]

Originally Posted by hopealwayz

I sent this one:

I would like an appointment next week and I want to keep my appointment on the 17th. you are the perfect therapist for me.

I'm sorry that I tried to push you away. That's a problem that I need to work on in therapy. I don't want any referrals. I want you for a therapist. You are an excellent therapist. I'm sorry that I screw things up.
Are we okay? Will you still work with me? I'm so, so sorry.

That seems good to me! Do try to leave it at that now though - even though I know it'll be hard if he doesn't reply right away.

[slowandgentle]

PS, Hope, in case I come across as holier-than-thou, I have been where you are, and I know how impossible it feels. I still dip in and out of that place you were in all the time, still, especially if I am sick, PTSD triggered overwhelmed with too much work pressure etc. But for the sake of ALL the relationships in my life, I am working really hard to not act on these awful, awful desperate feelings because the way I behave if I do...is not at all conducive with healthy relationships. It's so hard to resist the urges for a quick fix, it's as hard as trying to quit an addictive substance. Maybe harder x

I suspect you've posted this elsewhere, but what is this T like? What kind of therapy does he do? A T who is a trauma specialist might be better able to help you. In my experience, they have a better understanding regarding abandonment fears.

I agree with whoever said this therapist is taking you at face value.

There are therapists who can be neutral and listen and help you figure out the feelings behind each part of the conflict rather than react to every thing you say/do. I really don't know how a person can develop boundaries when therapists are so reactive like this.

There's some positive things to note here, i think - it's good your conflict is in the open though rather than buried out of consciousness, which can cause more deeper and significant problems. So this allows more opportunitiies for you to work on this. After a couple years or so, you get a place where you know 'which side' your on, and your change to your self automatically changes the behavior.

Just don't see how this therapist would help get you there. Also don't see how this can be continued or that the content is good for emails.

[Waterbear]

I too tried to push my T away and was upset when she just said 'ok' , basically. She said I could take a break or leave. The next time I said I wanted to ask if I could cancel the sessions we had booked, she said 'yes', let me know when you want to come back.

Each time I was hoping she would see the cries for help behind my wishes to leave, but she didn't react, whether she saw then or not. I don't know. I was upset with her and myself then. Each time I got back in touch very quickly and said that leaving wasn't what I wanted, than I wanted her to see that and convince me to stay, but she rightly said that her role is not to 'convince' me of anything. That I must find my own way, and in doing so I will probably make a few wrong turns. For me, finding my own wrong turns and reaching those dead ends made me realise I didn't want to go down them again.

If she had convinced me to stay, then we may have ended up going on our journey, but I would always be attracted to those paths, because I didn't know what was at the end of it, for myself.

I hope that makes sense Hope. By getting to this point, you have made your own decision that staying with him is what you, what you, really want, not anyone else. Now I hope he responds well to you and that you can wait until you see him to talk to him about this. That is important, in my opinion.

You do sound as if you need more than once a week sessions, and I wonder whether you have considered asking him for a second session a week (I know that he struggled for even once a week, but maybe it is something that you could work towards) of whether, together, you can find a way yo make these emails work for you both. It had to be mutually sustainable, Hope, otherwise he won't be able to be there for you as you need him.

I guess you look at it as the kid that's always saying 'Mummy, Mummy, Mummy, Mummy' over and over again. It gets really, really difficult. The Mum needs to be there for her kid and answer but the continuous calling means that it is hard for the Mum not to just ignore the kid or snap at them.

I am not saying that it is easy, trust me that I know that it isn't, but maybe you could look at what is helpful for you in the long run vs what you want in the moment. Something that has worked for me is to write what I want in an email but not send it. I keep adding to it over the days and then take it to my T and we go through it together, when she can be really there for me for the whole hour.

I do email my T as well sometimes, about once after a session or less, but know that more will probably lead to her not being able to manage with them, which will end up being counter productive.

I hope that something in that lot was helpful, but if not, that's ok, just know that lots of us are thinking of you and wishing you the best.

[RainyDay107]

Originally Posted by lucozader

That seems good to me! Do try to leave it at that now though - even though I know it'll be hard if he doesn't reply right away.

Hi Hope,

How are you doing?

I agree with Lucozader - your last text sounds good...you wanting to remain in therapy with your T and requesting an appointment time for next week and stating you also want to keep your appointment on the 17th.

I think the ball is in T's court, so to speak...I'm not saying it's a game here. I'm saying that, in my opinion, I think it's best to wait for T or T's receptionist to contact you. You made contact and now it's their turn to reply.

I think that T or T's office staff will call you regarding an appointment next week. I think you should mentally prepare yourself if T can't fit you in next week...if he has a busy schedule, he may be booked up. This isn't T rejecting you or not wanting to see you, in my opinion.

Have you been seeing T every week or is your request for an appointment next week an additional/early appointment? I ask this as you said you already are scheduled for the 17th.

Again it wouldn't be T rejecting you. My T has a tight schedule but occasionally a time slot will open up. You can ask to be put on a "waiting list" for them to call you if T has a cancellation and a time slot opens up next week. That's what I do if I need to see T sooner than my next appointment. Sometimes she can fit me in, sometimes she cannot.

Also, when they contact you, I think it's a good idea to confirm that you are still booked for the 17th on T's appointment calendar. Just to make sure there is no confusion and you can have assurance that T has you marked in his calendar for your session.

I'd really, really try to not contact T or T's office staff at this time. Wait to hear from them. They will contact you. Sometimes we need to be patient and I think this is one of those times.

Also, it's good to remember that T's office staff are only trained to schedule appointments and office work. They aren't there to soothe you between appointments or be a "conduit" to contact T when T is unavailable. I'm saying this with no judgment at all, Hope. I have read all of your threads and I understand it being very difficult when a T doesn't get back with us as soon as we'd like or instills boundaries.

In sum, I think your last message sounds great. The next step is to wait to hear back from T/T's staff to confirm the 17th appointment and tell you if T can see you next week.

We can support you here while you wait. Try to occupy your time and post here, journal, etc. I like to journal, color in coloring books, and do household chores when I feel distressed or unwell. The journal and coloring books are self-soothing activities for me and cleaning also soothes me. It helps me expel any "negative energy" and it feels good to have a clean, less cluttered living space. I also find a brisk walk outside feels good.

[*Laurie*]

I agree with others who posted that the therapist is kind-of calling your bluff. It seems to me that you indicated to your therapist that you were very upset when you left the office and are thinking about a different therapy situation, so the therapist said, in essence, Hey, if you want a different therapy situation I have some referrals. Your therapist is (to me) setting limits.

[Moment]

Hope, I am really sorry you are struggling.
I know you want to be able to text and email your therapist but I really question whether it's a good idea for you. Emails are so hard to "read" in terms of emotion. It just seems like it increases the chances of misunderstandings.

I remember feeling like my therapist wanted to get rid of me and I talked to him about it. I was wrong; I had misinterpreted. I hope this turns out like that for you. Maybe you and your therapist can talk about what you can do in between sessions, and what other sources of support you can lean on between appointments.

[BudFox]

So are these the two initial emails in the exchange?

hopealwayz: I left your office in tears. I don't know if I want to come back.
therapist: Change can be difficult. If you would like I can give you a few referrals of people I trust deeply.

If so, his response is ridiculous.

I don't understand how "calling her bluff" is in any way therapeutic. A client who has a troubled relational history, including with therapists, has every right to try to push the therapist away, to test their commitment. If the therapist responds with an immediate and terse 'se ya later', he must either be a manipulative game-playing dweeb or his own feelings are hurt by the possible rejection.

[Waterbear]

I agree with you Budfox, but I am not reading 'see ya later' from his reply. I read more "you are an adult and if you do not wish to return, that is your choice, but I can give you some help to find someone else to work with if you wish". Though I do think that he could have been more explicit, as I wish my T had been when I went through a similar thing.

How are you Hope, haven't heard anything from you for a while. I hope that everything is ok with you.

[ruh roh]

I read this as being respectful of hopealways who has been struggling with whether or not she wants to stay with this therapist and has been going back and forth for what seems to be a couple of months since her first appt with him. He gave her options and didn't say one way or the other what she should do. It's up to her.

I also read his reply "Change can be difficult" as referring to hope's pain over the loss of a therapist who did things this one apparently won't--I see that as a positive since the last therapist ran roughshod over her. In my view, he's acknowledging this difficult adjustment and respecting her right to feel her way through this decision.

So hope, my answer to your post title is that I don't think he is trying to get rid of you.