Triggers

Something my therapist did triggered my PTSD from an adult trauma. I get uncontrollable crying with no feelings attached but fear and i just do avoidance and it goes away

When i get triggered from childhood traumas, though not always PTSD, its different. When i saw the United airlines video of the guy being dragged off the plane, i felt horror, briefly, then started bawling in tears. Im deathly afraid of people in authority or positions of protection or in any way having any control over me, like i could never go to a psych hospital.

Then i always fantasize about protecting the person being harmed. I kept imaging myself beating up the police that dragged the guy off the plane, regular fantasies of protecti g peoole from harm when i see stuff like that .

So it provokes anger in me, and a need to take action. But why anger from childhood stuff but harm avoidance and crying from adult traumas? It seems like aggression vs. passive, and i was always passive as a child, quiet and gentle. Maybe that part of me was dissociated?

I am not that far along enough to analyze at this level. I just focus on whatever is needed at the time, and it's often different depending on what (or who) is triggered. It's a survival thing for me, though, so maybe that's why I don't know what it's like to examine at that level.

Maybe because anger needs a safe place to be, and maybe you feel safer now about your childhood traumas, and not so safe about your adult traumas because they are 'closer to home'. Maybe, but also maybe not.

This is something I never thought of but reading your post, I actually relate and had similar reactions. I had a quite long, unfair ongoing social discrimination before age 10 and as an adult, I always react to seeing similar things with quite intense internal anger and a wish to speak up and provide justice. Most often I don't act on it but sometimes, when my judgment is that I can probably influence the situation and it's worth it, I do speak up protecting the person being harmed/discriminated and it's usually quite rewarding for me.

My adult traumatic experience I'm thinking of was initially a one-time, sudden event, but it led to a series of unexpected difficulties that were pretty intense and tricky to handle. For years, I have had the tendency to avoid dealing with anything that is even a bit similar and the avoidance/procrastination has caused me further issues.

I am thinking that in childhood, in some ways we had not yet learned that we have the option to go away, ignore the situation, avoid it in order to protect myself. We can experience anger, frustration, despair etc but can feel quite helpless. I think that's a more adult type defense and requires independent decision making.

What I've described for me is not that split and I also have adult-type defenses in relation to unfairness and discrimination, but there are these baseline reactions.

Just some speculations.

Maybe stopdog will do a poll for peoples reactions on the airline guy. Im surprised you had such a strong reaction to the video, but then otoh, it also surprises me that my reaction was SOOO passive. Part of the difference could be explained by the age difference between you and me, the medication differences (not just psych meds, but my beta blocker is the "dont react to bad stuff" med).

Still, i am hearing emotional lability. As a coworker once told me, "you gotta calm down!" I was like, r u nuts? I got 2 speeds, fast, and off.

Now i realize - my mother was chasing me? She wanted to keep me busy so i didnt notice the truth about her and me. So - is something chasing you? What truth are you trying to run away from? (Stopdog is right - i want everybody to do therapy like i do ) anyway, just some thoughts

I am sure I would vote.

Survival mode-i guess it takes a lot of mental energy to go beyond survival. It can get to be too much, I hear you. For me things seem to be the opposite of what you said here-my life is in survival mode currently and I am exploring triggers. Exhausted by too much environmental stuff over the past few years, my ego strength isn't as good as what it used to be. Wondering what triggers you.

Good guess-but i'm not sure since the childhood stuff seems scarier, but the memories are often inaccessible and come up as body memories only/pre-verbal. I sometimes watch scary movies to safely experience terrifying things. It both draws me in and scares me, when i am able to tolerate. I remember sometimes being triggered by movies and getting really bad panic attacks. I prefer anger over fear, it's much better, so maybe this is good.

Yes, it was extreme. But that's what I think of when i think of triggers--they don't match the reality of the situation. Otherwise, I don't think it's a trigger; i think it's an emotional reaction. (I mean that in general.)

My reaction was partly because it was in real life, as usually movies don't trigger me. But the trigger here was perceiving people not having empathy and objectification of someone; for the guy-stripped of autonomy, under someone's control. Like the guy had no rights to his humanness, and people sat there and didn't do anything and looked on. Not quite the story, but my trauma trigger afterthoughts. IRL, during childhood and then as an adult, I was harmed by a sociopath. I don't mean that in the colliquial sense. My mother didn't protect me, so it all ties in and makes sense to me, now that I"m reflecting on it.

I guess it's the memories chasing me, I don't know what else. There are some truths that have escaped my consciouness-memories i can't access. The last time I thought certain memories were going to emerge, i went through similar dysregulation. I don't feel like explaining how i know things happened that I don't have clear memories or details of, but mostly my therapists have told me and the body memories and also due to narrative from one of the adult traumas by the person in my childhood trauma. I'm glad you don't have this type of emotional reaction. I am overly emotional now, but wasn't like this for most of my life.

I never tried beta blockers, but I take ambien at night but it don't fall asleep. It lowers my inhibitions and i sometimes post here late at night to 'deactivate' my mind and really regret it afterwards. I'd take more klonipin, but i'm scared i won't be believed by my (newer) psychiatrist if I tell him about my current state as I don't get emotional with him like with my therapist. Scared he will think i'm trying to get scheduled drugs. So i have to be sparing. Maybe i should take ambien to walk around in the daytime.

Not sure I could appreciate a poll now, too sensitive...

That seems like a really healthy way to deal with it-turning the anger into something productive-helping another. I've stuck up for people too at times but my judgement isn't as good, i think. You seem to have healthy defenses. I have some, but having used dissociation so much, i am at a loss.

The avoidance/procrastination might be the worst of it, relatively; now that I think about it. The fear or panic attacks seem temporary, but the other stuff drags on and on.

Interesting you mentioned helplessness-i was telling my therapist a few weeks ago that I don't ever remember feeling helpless. I sometimes think he feels it for me (I don't mean that in a positive way). I just got a strange feeling the helplessness feelings are going to emerge.

It seems my anger is more physical than yours when it comes to injustice scenarios etc. Triggers and anger-there was a guy i was buying from on Craigslist. I went to buy one thing off him, then he started giving me really nice furniture for free and really cheap. I had to go for a second trip and complete freaked out on the way. It's related to what i said above about childhood trauma from someone-

There's that issue again-being drawn to things I am afraid of. Even thinking this and having panic attacks, I still went for the 2nd trip. I had everything planned in my head how I would protect myself and fight him off. Embarrasing to say, but this really reminds me of all that. I wonder if I've been doing this in subtle ways in other areas of my life....scary to think.

This week has been too much, but I"m glad i could write about it here. I wanted so bad to ask my therapist for a session last week but couldn't do it. I'm such a mess , it helped keep me together until my next appt. with him.

just realized- i think i've been trying to avoid the feelings of helplessness i haven't allowed myself to feel.

I can't believe how scary the thought of this is-it seems like nothing..but linked with the stuff i mentioned above...

I'm so exhausted. But am going to now force myself to make a cajun turkey breast that i bought yesterday for several dinners, put it in the oven then go the gym. I hope that works. I don't know how i'm going to sleep. It feels like I'm going to lose it..

I guess that's dependent on what your childhood traumas were associated with. i was a victim of child abuse and I find that certain things really bother me.

I as well have felt what you had. I had an incident when I was 7 or so of two brothers arguing in the street. One was hitting the head of the other with a tablespoon. There was blood everywhere. I was scared and escaped from the scene. They the one threatened to do it to anyone who move. I tried to seek help.

Then I had another event where a security guard thought that a customer didn't pay an entrance fee. The customer was a friend of ours at my job. He explained that he did pay. This friend of mine couldn't have weighed more than 90lbs. The security guard said that he lied and he took him and dragged him on the floor and kicked him a few times. The security guard was tall and big. I was frozen. Usually that's who we would call if we had an issue. I thought the security guards action was extreme. The security guard made him pay again and then he came in. I was traumatized for so long and I had no idea what to say.