emailing T, feeling low

I like this idea as it seems to be a point of connection for me - children's books that is. My T is just about to leave a major OP clinic with IP responsibilities to private practice so I don't know what if anything she will have to start out with. Her current clinic is solely adult focused so I haven't seen any children's books. It is also a majorly shared space, so very few personal items of anyone - a few FT staff and like 30 + PT staff.

It will be interesting how things unfold come July and we take things to her private practice.

Sorry your T has handled this so poorly, Echos I'm disappointed in him!

Hugs...I agree that his response was really lacking. He could have said something about how he was sorry you were struggling so much or that he understood why it was difficult to find out what you did about your ex. I guess he was trying to provide encouragement, but I get the sense you also wanted validation. Did you respond to his e-mail? I'd definitely talk about it in your next session.

My T is generally not that great at e-mail responses--when she actually responds. MC can vary, but I've started basically asking for what I want from the e-mail, and I've found that helps. Like "I'm just looking for some encouragement." And I'll generally specifically say "Could you please at least let me know you got this?" and say that any other thoughts are welcome. Since one time I got a response that particularly upset me, and he was like, "Well, you just said to let you know I got it." So that's what led me to start saying what I want (if it's an e-mail to which I'm hoping for a response).

Hope you're hanging in there...

Yeah, the response I got was alright, I got a response and that was all I asked for. All I could ask for and it is something that will be talked about if time permits before it passes. I'm not hurt, mad, or upset by my T's response. A little, really that's all you got... chuckles, granted I have either worked my way through a lot of my internal angst or I've ingested enough dopamine secreting foods to feel good.

In any case... Echos, I hope you have been able to enjoy parts of your vacation and somehow set this aside at periods of time to be in the moment of Florida. (and not to be insensitive, as this might sound... all this crude that you feel will still be there when you get back from vacation... but vacation will be over.... definitely a do as I say not what I do statement here, because 99% of the time, I can't take this advice as the emotional side always over rules my brain side in these matters.)

Thanks everyone.
LT - no I didn't reply. I probably wouldn't have anyway but since I got his email at about 1am UK time or something there didn't seem any point as he's on holiday now. I'd probably get an automated reply and I hate getting those from T.
I appreciate the validation that it wasn't a great response from him, and LT, your suggestions of what he could have said are spot on. Just something so I feels he cares a little bit. I feel like he couldnt be arsed.
I know we'll have to iron this out like we always do when I see him but I do wish I'd never bothered emailing him.

I definitely am managing this at times. Been at a park all day today and had a lovely time. I didn't think about T or ex at all. Then walking back to the car I saw a guy with a tattoo that reminded me of my ex and I felt that pain in my heart again. The feelings are just under the surface but I guess that's normal.

That part I bolded is the most important part. You will iron this out with him. He's also not the one you're angry with, probably? If I remember correctly, the relationship with that ex was complicated...now you can't hold him accountable for anything. (Sorry if I've got the history of that wrong. I think I only saw one reference to troubles with the ex.)

Is there time for you to find some kind of game or activity where you can legitimately smash something for fun and get this flushed out of your system? Because while his email was sucky, he is not. And you deserve to say eff it all, and have a good time the rest of your vacation.

Yep, normal, acceptable, understandable.

**DISCLAIMER:

Ruh Roh, you often have a way of making observations about my process which really chime with me. Not only are you right that he is not sucky, even if his email is (a bit of perspective there) but you have me thinking about whether I am angry with my ex.
I was very young and he was thirty years my senior. He was violent when drunk and very scary. He has frequently appeared in violent dreams over the years. I wasn't faultless in the time we were together, but man was I young.
I have never explored any feelings towards him. It's only since I found out he died I have been able to admit to myself that I loved him.
Am I angry? I guess I have good reason to be. And now has to be the time to explore it. Like T says, he's no longer a threat to me now.

No pots and pans. I feel like he was referencing that too, but I feel like if anyone shouldn't be dodging the hard stuff, it's him.