Couch 137: Jung's Obsession

Demunie · Apr 20, 2017, 02:08 AM

Need some advice... Since Ts vacation, I just want to push him away as far as possible. I want him to be at the other end of the world if possible. I need to stop that immediatly because it isn't helping me at all... Any ideas on how to stop this?

Apr 20, 2017, 02:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Demunie

Need some advice... Since Ts vacation, I just want to push him away as far as possible. I want him to be at the other end of the world if possible. I need to stop that immediatly because it isn't helping me at all... Any ideas on how to stop this?

Not experienced this with T yet, but I have in plenty of other relationships. I'm just honest about when I feel this way, and I express it to the person. It's incredibly difficult to do most of the time, but for me at least, when I feel like pushing someone away, it's because I am looking for some kind of validation from them. It drives my H crazy at times, but after 7 years he understands the why.

Sorry if that's not helpful. Hugs if you'd like them!

Apr 20, 2017, 02:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by unaluna

(((Quiet mind))) lol! I was just thinking recenty, we never talk. But i always read your posts. Your family is very similar to mine.

It helps to know!

Truly, because I often go about my life feeling strange because in many ways my family looks good to outsiders. My sister's MIL is convinced we're one close knit family because we've family dinners and the parents go on holiday each year. Same for people who do meet my family haha.

Apr 20, 2017, 02:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Demunie

Need some advice... Since Ts vacation, I just want to push him away as far as possible. I want him to be at the other end of the world if possible. I need to stop that immediatly because it isn't helping me at all... Any ideas on how to stop this?

Hugs. I tried pushing T away recently. In our session after I tried via messages, she said I'm testing her, testing to see if she'll reject me.

I think it takes an absolutely terrifying leap of faith: Tell your T how you feel. The ambivalence, the fear, the desire to push him away.

Demunie · Apr 20, 2017, 02:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by daisydid

Not experienced this with T yet, but I have in plenty of other relationships. I'm just honest about when I feel this way, and I express it to the person. It's incredibly difficult to do most of the time, but for me at least, when I feel like pushing someone away, it's because I am looking for some kind of validation from them. It drives my H crazy at times, but after 7 years he understands the why.

Sorry if that's not helpful. Hugs if you'd like them!

Quote:

Originally Posted by QuietMind

Hugs. I tried pushing T away recently. In our session after I tried via messages, she said I'm testing her, testing to see if she'll reject me.

I think it takes an absolutely terrifying leap of faith: Tell your T how you feel. The ambivalence, the fear, the desire to push him away.

Thx you two! I guess you're both right... I kind of expect him to abandon/reject me. And want validation that he won't (at least I hope so).

In a way I probably also try to protect him from some "during his vacation" stuff. I don't know. You're right that I should tell him that I want to push him away (he probably realized that himself by now though

), it just seems extremly scary once more. Like there are no words to actually say this

Demunie · Apr 20, 2017, 02:41 AM

I wish I knew how good Ts english is. I often feel that it's way easier to express my thoughts/feelings in english than in my mother tongue. I also feel that I have a slightly different personality (more self confident, etc.) when talking in english

I know that sounds strange, but...

*Offering coffee, tea, hot chocolate and cake for everyone*

Apr 20, 2017, 02:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Demunie

Thx you two! I guess you're both right... I kind of expect him to abandon/reject me. And want validation that he won't (at least I hope so).

In a way I probably also try to protect him from some "during his vacation" stuff. I don't know. You're right that I should tell him that I want to push him away (he probably realized that himself by now though

), it just seems extremly scary once more. Like there are no words to actually say this

Hugs, of course it's scary.

I got the impression from my T that she was surprised I'm still testing her when honestly I didn't even know I'm still testing her.

That fear of rejection or abandonment is so strong. In schema therapy terms, I think it's my Defectiveness schema flaring - afraid that T will see more aspects of the real me and reject me, abandon me. See the rot at my core and leave, so better that I send her angry messages trying to drive her away!

I got low from a coffee crash so I dumped...uh more than 10 messages this morning saying I'm scared to be so attached, scared that I trust her so much, scared because she said in session 2 days ago that she wants to get closer and that she feels a part of me still mistrusts her.

Maybe try writing / emailing / texting when you're feeling less inhibited if you have out of session contact?

Demunie · Apr 20, 2017, 03:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by QuietMind

Hugs, of course it's scary.

I got the impression from my T that she was surprised I'm still testing her when honestly I didn't even know I'm still testing her.

That fear of rejection or abandonment is so strong. In schema therapy terms, I think it's my Defectiveness schema flaring - afraid that T will see more aspects of the real me and reject me, abandon me. See the rot at my core and leave, so better that I send her angry messages trying to drive her away!

I got low from a coffee crash so I dumped...uh more than 10 messages this morning saying I'm scared to be so attached, scared that I trust her so much, scared because she said in session 2 days ago that she wants to get closer and that she feels a part of me still mistrusts her.

Maybe try writing / emailing / texting when you're feeling less inhibited if you have out of session contact?

Why shouldn't you still be testing her? You only see her every month. That's a huge time span and in between, she's basically abandoning you between sessions (T usually says that I have every right to be angry at him when he goes on vacation for 1 or 2 weeks because he's, in a way, abandoning me. 1 or 2 weeks is far from a month...). I think that it's only natural to still mistrust her in a way

And 10 messages isn't THAT much, after all

Don't have out of session contact, although I wish I could email him all this stuff. He wouldn't even have to answer

Apr 20, 2017, 03:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Demunie

Why shouldn't you still be testing her? You only see her every month. That's a huge time span and in between, she's basically abandoning you between sessions (T usually says that I have every right to be angry at him when he goes on vacation for 1 or 2 weeks because he's, in a way, abandoning me. 1 or 2 weeks is far from a month...). I think that it's only natural to still mistrust her in a way

And 10 messages isn't THAT much, after all

Don't have out of session contact, although I wish I could email him all this stuff. He wouldn't even have to answer

Hugs, your words are so kind. I def wish my T is available to see me once a fortnight, though she DOES let me message her though her boundary is she won't reply.

Could you write or type it out and give it in a note to your T? I've done that several times, though gradually she pushed me to say it verbally (though I'm glad she keeps the paper to eventually read). Having it typed out can be so scary and sometimes I'd throw away the paper and then make myself print it out and stuff it in a bag compartment. Then before the session, I'd take it out so that I would walk into the room with it.

Demunie · Apr 20, 2017, 03:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by QuietMind

Hugs, your words are so kind. I def wish my T is available to see me once a fortnight, though she DOES let me message her though her boundary is she won't reply.

Could you write or type it out and give it in a note to your T? I've done that several times, though gradually she pushed me to say it verbally (though I'm glad she keeps the paper to eventually read). Having it typed out can be so scary and sometimes I'd throw away the paper and then make myself print it out and stuff it in a bag compartment. Then before the session, I'd take it out so that I would walk into the room with it.

But then he has to read that while I'm sitting in the room

Might I ask how long you've been seeing this T?

Apr 20, 2017, 03:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Demunie

But then he has to read that while I'm sitting in the room

Might I ask how long you've been seeing this T?

Could sit far away, turn around, ask T to turn around? (I've done all that at different times haha).

48? sessions.

Demunie · Apr 20, 2017, 03:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by QuietMind

Could sit far away, turn around, ask T to turn around? (I've done all that at different times haha).

48? sessions.

Thx for your suggestions (hugs)
Maybe I'll wrap the paper to a ball and then throw it at him. Hah.

Apr 20, 2017, 03:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Demunie

Thx for your suggestions (hugs)
Maybe I'll wrap the paper to a ball and then throw it at him. Hah.

Hehe, maybe! Is your T in private practice? Can you use the bathroom / wait outside while he reads if being in the room is too anxiety provoking?

Apr 20, 2017, 03:37 AM

Sorry I went MIA in the conversation. I tried to sleep some more...failed.

I think that most people experience fear of rejection/abandonment and the desire to be validated. The difference for some of us though is that we've experienced more rejection or abandonment than most, so we are more prone to isolating than the "average" person. So it's scary to voice those feelings for sure, but most people are receptive to hearing it because they themselves can relate to those feelings. Especially Ts who often go into counseling because of their own baggage.

Or maybe that's all just me. I don't know. I've had maybe 4 hours of sleep. At least today is an "easy" day at school. Testing or reviewing for testing in all of my classes. But it's going to be long. After school remediation and then an extra T appointment.

I see that a visit to Starbucks is in order.

Demunie · Apr 20, 2017, 03:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by QuietMind

Hehe, maybe! Is your T in private practice? Can you use the bathroom / wait outside while he reads if being in the room is too anxiety provoking?

Yeah, that's another topic... There's a bathroom I could use (as well as a wardrobe, coffee/water etc. in the waiting area) but I never even dared to touch or use them. He's in private practice with some other Ts. I think that waiting outside would make it worse. Maybe I'll write things down and then decide that talking would be less embarassing.
I'm pathetic.

Thx for your kind words and patients. Really

Apr 20, 2017, 03:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Demunie

Yeah, that's another topic... There's a bathroom I could use (as well as a wardrobe, coffee/water etc. in the waiting area) but I never even dared to touch or use them. He's in private practice with some other Ts. I think that waiting outside would make it worse. Maybe I'll write things down and then decide that talking would be less embarassing.

I'm pathetic.

Thx for your kind words and patients. Really

No, you aren't pathetic. I get anxiety even having to wait in the waiting room of my Ts office (which he shares with 4 other associates).

Don't put yourself down

Apr 20, 2017, 03:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Demunie

Yeah, that's another topic... There's a bathroom I could use (as well as a wardrobe, coffee/water etc. in the waiting area) but I never even dared to touch or use them. He's in private practice with some other Ts. I think that waiting outside would make it worse. Maybe I'll write things down and then decide that talking would be less embarassing.
I'm pathetic.

Thx for your kind words and patients. Really

You're not pathetic. You're trying to find ways to communicate scary, vulnerable things to your T ((hug)).

I always feel awkward in the outpatient psych patient waiting room at the hospital I go to. I'd probably feel awkward waiting outside T's door in the long corridor with all the T rooms too.

Demunie · Apr 20, 2017, 03:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by daisydid

Sorry I went MIA in the conversation. I tried to sleep some more...failed.

I think that most people experience fear of rejection/abandonment and the desire to be validated. The difference for some of us though is that we've experienced more rejection or abandonment than most, so we are more prone to isolating than the "average" person. So it's scary to voice those feelings for sure, but most people are receptive to hearing it because they themselves can relate to those feelings. Especially Ts who often go into counseling because of their own baggage.

Or maybe that's all just me. I don't know. I've had maybe 4 hours of sleep. At least today is an "easy" day at school. Testing or reviewing for testing in all of my classes. But it's going to be long. After school remediation and then an extra T appointment.

I see that a visit to Starbucks is in order.

Hugs. Extra coffee for you then?

I doubt that's "just you". I agree that Ts should be more receptive to hear such things- It's basically their job after all

Hope your session goes well

Apr 20, 2017, 03:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Demunie

Hugs. Extra coffee for you then?

I doubt that's "just you". I agree that Ts should be more receptive to hear such things- It's basically their job after all

Hope your session goes well

TBH I'm pushing it by having a coffee 2 days in a row. I tend to get really bad caffeine headaches. But otherwise I'm not making it today.

And thanks! I hope I actually do have a session. My T usually texts the day before to confirm, but nothing from him yesterday. It's an extra session outside of our normal time, so I'm hoping he just forgot, but my anxiety is through the roof about it.

*shakes my fist at T*

Demunie · Apr 20, 2017, 03:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by daisydid

TBH I'm pushing it by having a coffee 2 days in a row. I tend to get really bad caffeine headaches. But otherwise I'm not making it today.

And thanks! I hope I actually do have a session. My T usually texts the day before to confirm, but nothing from him yesterday. It's an extra session outside of our normal time, so I'm hoping he just forgot, but my anxiety is through the roof about it.

*shakes my fist at T*

Maybe you could reconfirm with him? I saw in the "Dear T"-Thread that you don't want to be needy, but I don't think that reconfirming would come over as needy or anything...

Apr 20, 2017, 04:04 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Demunie

Maybe you could reconfirm with him? I saw in the "Dear T"-Thread that you don't want to be needy, but I don't think that reconfirming would come over as needy or anything...

I've been sitting here trying to rationalize why not to text him (once it's a normal hour for people to be awake), but I don't have any. Just being petulant and unwilling to appear weak.

I'll text during my planning period if he doesn't text before. Thanks

CantExplain · Apr 20, 2017, 04:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Demunie

Need some advice... Since Ts vacation, I just want to push him away as far as possible. I want him to be at the other end of the world if possible. I need to stop that immediately because it isn't helping me at all... Any ideas on how to stop this?

Just the usual advice: talk it through.