Couch 137: Jung's Obsession

H is out of town, and I have dog feeding duty while he was gone. I am pretty sure they got dinner twice last night. I couldn't remember if I fed them, and of course they were claiming that I hadn't. I need a system!

made kraft mac n cheese with ground beef and onion... i added a tomato in it, does that make it healthy?

I made Annie's mac & cheese and added extra cheddar cheese, but no veggies, for me and my daughter. So yours was healthier than mine at least! She also had 2 chocolate chip granola bars and a Capri Sun (she randomly asked for juice after having drank only water at home for months--most of the juice boxes we had were expired!)
ETA: She's now having an applesauce squeeze pouch, so there's some nutrition!

I'm having barbecue chicken drumsticks. But I had ruffles with spinach and artichoke dip an hour ago, so that's 2 vegetables, right? And there's probably some tomato type stuff in the barbecue sauce. Ah, well, tomorrow is another day.

Good thing you translated; i thought you were reminding yourself to wear deodorant!

We had turkey burgers no buns, and hand cut sweet potato wedges for dinner.. sometimes we act like we are healthy!

That happens to me all the time, an i dont even have a dog!

Hi, couch!
Impressed with everyone's semi healthy dinner choices this evening. H was out running errands for his grandmother, and I was late coming home from school, so dinner ended up being 2 Double Cheeseburgers from McDs.

But I did have a really healthy protein shake for breakfast, so it balances out I guess.

I ran out of mobile data so I will just start over here. My internet proper does get connected for another week.

Yesterday my t admitted that he had doubted his own competence because the methods that work with most people didn't work with me. So now he is just going to sit with me and not direct or shepherd me as I react negatively to this approach. I don't know how I am supposed to respond to this. He tells me these things occasionally pointing out it not a reflection on me, but I am baffled as to why he does.

Well I tried to trick myself by hiding brussels sprouts in my tortelloni... but I found them!

can i just BE A CAT YET.

Man, I want to be a cat. They're cute and they get pets and they sleep nearly all day.

Let's be cats, jDNA!

I'll join in on being a cat. Mine was curled up in my bed all day. Meanwhile, I went to t, to psych nurse, to eye dr, to horse barn, moved a horse and came back home. Leaving tomorrow at 4:30 to pick up my daughter's horse. I could use some of that sleep.

Meanwhile, in other news, eye Dr says I have an inflamed optic nerve. Says it could be bad. Even worse, says I need to lose weight. Crap. I mean, when I got on scale at p-nurse I gave myself a talking-to about my weight. But to have the eye Dr say I need to lose weight a few hours later. Sigh.

Hugs. Ex T faced a slightly similar problem with me as she was CBT trained and CBT wasn't working on me like her other patients. She wasn't trauma informed or trauma trained and she simply didn't have the competencies required.

I think your T means that he realises he needs to learn, that he doesn't have the tools...not that it's your fault, though I really honestly still blame myself like I did over ex T.

Sometimes current T doubts her competence too.

i heated up leftover ham and rice for h. was only enough for one so I made instant mashed potatoes for myself, and melted a piece of pepper jack cheese in them. Yum. Not healthy, but yum. It did give me enough energy to make a big salad and a pot of spaghetti that will be dinner tomorrow evening! I'm wiped, going to bed. Night couchies!

Thanks QM. He is a trauma specialist, I don't understand why he tells this. I was only wondering why we seemed to be at a bit of a standstill at the moment and it feels like my fault because the balls in my court.

He calls it transperency

I could be completely, completely wrong, perhaps he's used to a certain kind of population, eg people with single incident traumas and not more complex stuff? Or used to persons without high dissociation levels?

You remind me of two friends with DID, in that they went to trauma specialists but didn't find them helpful due to the therapists' lack of competency is persons with high levels of dissociation.

It wasn't their fault. It isn't your fault too, though yes, I too would find it hard not to blame myself.

Recently T told me again that she still senses mistrust in me and each time she's brought it up, she questions her competency. She wonders what she is "doing wrong", what is she "not doing" such that she can't convey the safety she'd like me to feel.

Of course I thought to myself and told her that it's me, my fault, I'm not succeeding in opening up etc etc.

But could it indeed be not me? A joint thing where both she and me are trying hard, doing the best we know how but not succeeding? Definitely. It doesn't mean it's my fault or hers, just that maybe we haven't figured it out.

T has told me that she doubts her competency. In a way it's her showing her vulnerability because I think for some time there was this huge sense of unspoken "we're stuck in a standstill" feeling. I'm not sure if t telling me is helpful either.

Maybe it's that for your T and you too. Hugs!

A T who admits his doubts and it ready to try something else is better than a T who keeps making the same mistakes over and over again.

Madame T was so sure she knew what was best for me.

Agreed. I think my T is in a spot right now where she doesn't exactly know what to do to help me, and I agree, mostly because I am completely shut down and am not helping her at all.

Each session she tries to let me know that if anything she is saying or doing is going against what I feel inside, to let her know. Today, randomly after she was talking about something, she goes "So. Anything you want to talk about?" I thought she was randomly fishing for information about something (not sure what), and was like "Uhh..what do you mean?"

She said that sometimes she is afraid that because she loves to talk (and she does!), that she might go onto a topic that I don't find relevant to whatever it is in my mind that I want to discuss, and that she wants to make sure that whatever it is I want to talk about, is what is most important.

I sort of found that amazing, bc my last T (of 5 years) NEVER asked that question, but then again, she also let me lead....which meant we barely spoke

My T knows that if left to my own devices, I will say very little, and as it is, I don't say much. But, I really appreciate that she is trying to make sure that I feel "heard." I told her that "Nope, my mind is completely empty, so whatever works."

Omg i think i am turning into a cat. Hmm. I mean, everyone needs a lifestyle, right?

Just so long as you don't turn into this woman.

Eta: I was not aware that socialite was an occupation.

Hey! Haven't caught up but I wanted to share a wonderful update. My grand daughter has been in NICU since last Wednesday. She is off the oxygen now and she can be held! My heart is so happy and so thankful!!

Thank you for your prayers and good wishes that y'all sent.

Life is amazing!!

2 job interview today. The first one went ok, but I don't really like this job. Not sure what to do if they choose me

Haha, unalana, your post in the In Session thread about Ts being reluctant to use value judgments got me thinking a lot.

I sent her another bunch of messages firmly telling her how her kind understatements / euphemisms confuse me.

She wants me to express anger about my parents in sessions, but I can't. Because i feel I'm a big, attention seeking crybaby kicking up a fuss over small little mean things... due to her inconsistency over how she characterises the harmful actions of my parents.

Hopefully she'll read and understand where I'm coming from.