I lost my T and I'm so heartbroken and hurting. :-(

This sounds horrific.

Ambushing, lying, abrupt termination, abrupt stoppage of meds, ignored emails... all in a day's work for the glorious MH system. Hope it works out ok.

I truly hope that one of the places t referred you to can help. From what you have said, it sounds like what t wants is for you to go to one of those programs and get a hold of him when you finish the program. I don't think he will make another appointment with you, no matter how far out, until you have done one of those programs. I think this because he said "prove it". and to me, that would mean that he wants to see you have success with a higher level of care and be told by them that you are ready to step down.

I'm not real thrilled by him ambushing you. I am not sure I would go back even if he would allow it.

I also hope that which ever program you choose will have a decent psychiatrist around who will work with you to find meds that work, if that is what you want.

Let us know how the calls go, ok?

I'm not sure if going back to this guy is a good idea either. He knew from day one you need once a week therapy but was slow to respond.

If I am remembering correctly (and i may not be), I think this T didn't really like out of session contact?

(not that it makes this situation any different or better!)

This T definitely never did texting which I asked him if I could text him sometimes and he said no. That made me sad because I know he does texting with people because he tried to text someone who volunteers at a place where he was recommending me to go ask them if they'd help me pay for my ADHD medication because I couldn't afford it that month. And we were on the topic of my Ex-Psychiatrist and he was talking about how my Ex-Psychiatrist preferred to be texted so I guess they used to text often. He never let me get his cell phone number. I guess it made me feel not special or important to him.

The only out of session contact that we agreed upon was email but he barely ever responded even when I asked him to. Out of all of my emails, I only received 5 responses from him.

He did give me hugs though. Not every session but after some sessions. He didn't hug me before I left last time.

I did ask him if he'd miss me and his response was, "That is abusive". So I felt pretty low when I left. And I said that I'd miss him and he said that he'd still be there. How was that question abusive?

When you left you were being taken to the hospital right? Sounds like he considered it emotionally manipulation.

It sounds like he texted with other professionals; not clients.

Did you write him an email or tell him that you were suicidal? It's pretty rare for a T to just call the police over crying. And you have in the past left out details of the story. I'm not saying you have to tell us anything, but maybe we're missing something that could explain his actions.

I agree with the others. I think you need more intensive care than individual therapy. And I think that's what your T is saying. I don't think you can go back to him in a precise amount of time. I think he wants you to get more intensive treatment, and when you're better and can respect the boundaries of the relationship, then you can go back.

We've always gotten along great. He has never told me that I've violated his boundaries. I've always had respect for him. He said it was okay to email him and we both agreed on it.

I didn't tell him that I'd miss him when I was being taken to the hospital. I told him I'd miss him after we talked in his office after I'd gotten out of the hospital.

It began with an email expressing suicidal thoughts.

Words are only a fraction of any communication. The full meaning can only be known from the context the tone the inflection the body language,knowledge of what came before and what came after. I doubt that he was lying that he experienced your comment as abusive.
Whether any one on here thinks it was abusive or not is irrelevant. You and him were there and that was his experience.
It's not your 'fault'. It isn't because you are bad or unworthy or rejected. it's just that he can't give you the level of support that you need right now. When you have successfully completed more intensive therapy he will be willing to work with you again. It isn't a rejection it isn't a blame thing. You've had a lot of trauma over the years and he is acknowledging he doesn't have the skills or ability to offer you adequate support for your current needs.
Have you made those phone calls?

If I remember correctly, you said that he would only respond to positive emails?

And the email expressing suicidal thoughts is probably what triggered the call to the police.

I'm not blaming or criticizing you, but your actions are very needy. All the emails, threatening cancelations, etc., topped off with suicidal thoughts was probably too much for him to handle. It would be for a lot of Ts.

But with intensive treatment, you should receive a lot more support. You might not get hugs, texts, emails (though you might), but you will be receiving treatment that will actually help you.

Wouldn't it feel nice to not be so needy? To function better? That's the goal of therapy.

Hope you need to take his advice. He told you the door is always open. Big hugs.

I'm sorry that this happened. I know in the US therapists/counselors have an ethical obligation per their licensing board to refer clients if they do not feel they are trained to provide the level of care the client needs. Granted, it sounds like he maybe could have handled the situation more gracefully with you, but I don't necessarily see it as him abandoning you. I see it as him trying to make sure you get the amount of care you need at the present time - care that it seems he isn't able to give you, for whatever reasons. I am sorry, though. It sounds like a truly tough situation and I hope you find a therapist/program that meets your needs.

I agree with Scarlet. You will probably forever run in circles if you just go from one therapist to the next... From this post, and also from some other threads of yours, I kinda have the impression that you are avoiding facing the real problems and seeking appropriate help. What you seem to desire is more instant gratification and relief, e.g. from email and text contact and from the T expressing care more directly. But as you have experienced over a rather long period of time, that is not going to truly help and solve the issues here even if the T engaged with you more. It's not addressing what you truly need and it does not help you regulate your emotions better.

You seem to have a great opportunity now to move beyond this cycle with more appropriate help, but it'll only happen if you make it happen and cooperate. Please grab it!

Have you called any of the three places yet?

This makes my head spin. Does he not see the ways he is being abusive and manipulative? Agreeing to email contact, and then responding willy-nilly to distress emails... that is abusive and sadistic.

If he found such an innocuous comment "abusive" he needs to get some help. And throwing that back in your face when you are in acute distress is selfish. This is not supposed to be about the therapist and HIS poor hurt feelings.

In my opinion the first order of business should be full acknowledgment that this experience, which was supposed to be HEALING, has made things worse.

Hope, we care for you and are pulling for you. You need to contact the three places your therapist suggested. I believe he cares for you and will see you in the future, but right now the message you are getting from everyone is that an individual therapist doesn't seem to be able to provide the level of contact and care you need.

Asking this group what we think about his "abusive" comment isn't going to help because we weren't there and can't know exactly what happened.

You need to call the places he suggested pronto and see about moving into a program that might, for example, see you every day. Maybe you'd do well in a group where there's more than one person to reach out to for connection.

It sounds very clear to me that he will see you again when you're able to function with the kind of services he provides. In the meantime, you can pursue more intensive support or keep doing what you're doing, which has so far not seemed to be helpful.

Also, if I had a pattern of different people telling me that I was being abusive, I would pay attention to that. As others have said, there's no way for any of us to know the tone or nature of what was said. I could definitely hear my mom, for example, being abusive while asking if I was going to miss her. Context is everything. What's clear is that you need some good, reliable and consistent support. I hope you follow through with those referrals for a higher level of care.

As far as I can remember this T has NEVER responded to emails that weren't about scheduling, so I don't see how he is being any different to normal. So I wouldn't see that negatively.

Hope you need to attend these suggested sessions and show him your working on it.
All the best.

I'm just going by what OP said:

"when I emailed to see if I could schedule an appointment 3 months from now, he never responded or hasn't responded to any of my emails so finally, I wrote and asked him was that permanent or was there really a possibility of me getting to see him in the future. He never answered"

"The only out of session contact that we agreed upon was email but he barely ever responded even when I asked him to. Out of all of my emails, I only received 5 responses from him."

Am I missing something? This looks like a problem. What is the impact of such a broken promise on the psychology of a person in crisis? Also, telling that person they are abusive, same question.

Agreed. Your T isn't shutting the door forever. Sounds like he will welcome you back once you have proven you can take more intensive steps towards your therapy. Making the calls and setting something up is the first step. I'm sure he is not wanting to schedule a session because everyone improves at their own pace, and no one can reliably predict how long it will take.

The more you contact him now, the further you will delay the process, so, FWIW, put 100% focus on these programs he informed you of, and 0% focus on him right now, and that will be all the proof he needs that you are getting closer to coming back. If you contact him in any way, Day 1 starts all over again. JMO! You got this! I totally agree with those who have suggested trying a group therapy experience. LOTS of support there, not just from one person. You will actually have people for support without the therapeutic boundaries attached. You may find you love it!

I DO think this T could have responded, saying Hope needs to get involved with a new program well before scheduling sessions with him, just to ease her mind. I also agree that calling a client abusive, manipulative or whatever does NOTHING to help, only causes more grief. I was called manipulative once, and I never ever forgot it. All because I was just stating "feelings." BudFox, I always appreciate your input, wherever they are! For some of us, you really put things into perspective.

Yes, bud. You are missing a lot. For one thing, her therapist did not say he would reply to all of her emails. He was specific in what he would and would not do. She certainly is free to go elsewhere. I don't think anyone can be compelled to provide an inadequate service, which is all this therapist was offering. We are not getting the whole story, but I'm not here to make assumptions as to why the details are left out from one post to another. Clearly, hope needs support. I honestly hope she gets it.

Hope, I am concerned for you. You have tried to build a therapeutic relationship with several therapists and what I notice is that you want these people to care for you deeply, and yet you push them away (there probably is a reason for this). I worry that continuing this agenda, is going to completely decimate you. Please, please take this seriously, as you need to see people who can figure out what is really going on with you. Then they will be able to help you. Please let us know that you've called someone that you've been referred to. You CAN do this! Take care.

I don't always agree with you budfox but there are some troubling things about this situation. Did the t make sure she has the resources to even participate in the recommended programs? What if she can't afford it or insurance does not cover it? What about her siblings who will care for them?

To just drop out as her therapist without a warm handoff to another team or provider probably does count as client abandonment. My better therapists would have made sure I was hospitalized or with another t before leaving the picture.