[sidony]

So tonight I was going to quit group therapy. Ready to tell everyone I needed a break. I'd had a miserable day (T called me once, returning a call from Friday) but was going to try to at least speak up about how things are going. But anyway.

When I got there tonight, only 2 other members besides T showed up (the group is 6 people + T), so it was half-size. The 2 who showed up were the only 2 males in the group (besides T). So it was me and 3 men. And suddenly all the attention was on me. T came over and sat on a chair close to me -- strange but I loved it. Upon questioning I tried to talk a little about how things were going. It slowly got easier to talk. An hour into an hour-15-minute session I realized that I was feeling better. I relaxed a lot. I think I might actually have been sorry when it ended. Go figure.

So maybe I just need group to be with all men?

I don't know what the deal was. Maybe just that things have been so bad lately. I even told them I was thinking I wanted a break from group. But by later on I knew I'd be coming back. That was a good feeling. I even told them I was miserable after the last session and talked some about that.

God am I all over the place about group or what? Maybe it's just the break from total isolation: This past week was the lowest I've ever felt. I couldn't sleep, I could barely eat, I couldn't carry on a conversation without becoming wholly distracted, and being around anyone upset me (just the question "how's it going?" upset me). I felt hopeless every moment and cried a lot.

Tonight I had wine for dinner, followed by cereal and hot chocolate for dessert. Healthy, eh? At least I was feeling a little more upbeat even if I have no appetite.

Tomorrow I have individual therapy (oops, originally typed group here). Looking forward to that. Then I'm back to dealing with everything alone again for the rest of the week. Dread that part.

Thanks for listening. Make what you will of my inconsistencies about group, I never know what to make of it.

Sidony

that is great!

do you tend to get on better with males than with females do you think?

or might it be about there being less people?

or maybe... a bit of both?

that sounds really terrific :-)

maybe... if that went okay... it will go easier next time if these people are something of a 'secure base'. maybe...

:-)

[sunrise]

sidony, I remember one other time you posted about group when it was smaller than usual and you had a good experience then too. Maybe 6 people is just too much for you at this stage. But 3 is just right. Maybe you can build skills with the smaller group and use them in the larger group. You just have to get people to not attend regularly so you are more comfortable, lol! Or maybe the all male format had something to do with it too. Are you one of the ones who prefers male therapists? Maybe you just find men easier to talk to. I am glad it went so well! Maybe these two guys can be your allies next time.

[smiley1984]

maybe it's good to not have us women. We are moody, overly emotional, talk differently from guys and we use PMT as an excuse to be *****y. I wish I was a guy, I was always a Tom Boy.
Men are much more practical, and I'm sure they seem much more understanding plus guys don't like talking as much.

Keep us updated on how it goes next week with the girls back!!

[Mouse_]

Sidony, I use to feel awful if I were walking along the road toward a bus stop where people were queueing and facing my direction.

I use to feel afraid they were looking at me, and my legs would start to turn to jelly and I was convinced I was about to either collapse or walk in a zig-zag fashion.

I read a book on the false self or some such thing, and I recognised something the book was talking about, it wasn't just fear of being seen, it was also fear of my own feelings of wanting to be seen.

Arr what a paradox of emotions and thoughts us humans are.

[sidony]

Thanks everybody!

Yeah I do tend to get along better with men than women. I think men are just more straightforward. Also, there's generally just more energy between me and them. And yup, I'm one of the ones who would only see a male therapist.

I always thought I'd be more shy in a smaller group, but you know maybe that's not turning out to be the case. Or it could just be the fact that the 2 guys wanted to focus their attention on me. Or something. I don't really understand it.

I felt a lot better about things. I especially liked that one of the guys had the same view of work I do (meaning he's not super career-driven which I'm not and sometimes feel bad about). He'd also been laid off before so the fact that he eventually found work again made me feel better.

I guess that's the whole universality thing that group is supposed to be good at creating (the feeling of being less alone). Last night it actually worked for me.

Of course next week you may get another post from me about how bad group sucks and makes my life miserable. Wait and see. On another universal note, I've noticed that I'm not the only one who sometimes posts contradictory stuff on here. Though I wouldn't name any usernames of course.

Sidony

[Soidhonia]

(((SIDONY))). Tha tis good news to hear that you are getting somewhere in group. It helps to feel noticed and to feel that you are not alone with your situation and that others understand what you are going through in life. Take care (Sidony). Soidhonia

I bet I would do better with men in group also. I tend to get along better with men... that's why I choose men for T, pdoc, all docs.

I'm really glad you got some benefit out of group. It's okay if your feelings change from week to week, as the group dynamic will always be different.

Hey, I know you are out of a job currently and I only work part-time because of my internship.... so.... you know what sucks now?

No money to buy new outfits for going to therapy, hahaaha.

TAKE CARE!