T Disaster

I'm so scared my therapist is going to terminate me next session or take away emailing between sessions. We had a few email exchanges this week and I was really upset by something she said but instead of just telling her, because I stupidly was too scared to tell her and too ashamed, I pretended in an email that I was totally fine and that everything was great. She knows this is what I do when I get really scared and it's almost an automatic reaction to protect myself. We've talked about it many times. But this time when I emailed her in that fashion, instead of responding the way she normally would by saying that I sound like I'm upset and offering me a session, she just said that she didn't know how things had escalated this badly from our emails and that she needs to give it some thought and that we can talk about it in more detail during our next session. I then of course, like an idiot, got panicked and distraught because this is so unlike her and also because it was so difficult for me to sit with what I had originally been upset about. So I emailed her and asked her if we could have a session today (after today, she's not back at work again until next Wednesday), but she said she couldn't. I would be fine with it if she just said she couldn't, but it is really weird that she did. She has never not had time to squeeze me in before. Actually, I've never asked before, not once in three years. But she has offered several times before, often in Thursdays, and I have usually taken her up on it. In her email saying no for today, she also didn't say any of the normal things like that she was sorry or we could do a phone session instead, all things she has said or offered before when scheduling has been a problem. Instead this time, she just said no and that she hopes I have somebody to talk to since I am so upset. That is such a weird thing for her to say because she totally knows that there's nobody in my real life who I would share these things with.

So I can tell that she is very upset at me and that something is dramatically different, and I'm really scared I'm going to lose her. I emailed her back and confessed that I was really upset and scared, but she did not respond, which is very unlike her. I just have this bad, bad feeling that something clicked in her and she is really angry at me and things are never going to be the same. She has gotten really angry at me before (not over things I would've thought she would be angry at. I am not really like a problem client that does inappropriate stuff). But she does seem to have a temper and she does occasionally get very angry, even purposely hurtfully sarcastic a few times. She has always had an explanation for it before and we have worked through it. But I have this weird feeling that somehow I stepped on it big this time. I am so upset that I just don't know what to do. I can't believe how lost I feel knowing she's upset with me. I'm really scared she's going to take away emailing or terminate me.

Some people feel that one of a therapist's primary responsibilities is to be painstakingly consistent and predictable. Unexpected changes in demeanor or behavior can be unsettling as hell for some people. Doesn't sound like you've done anything out of the ordinary or unreasonable. Is there possibly some crisis that is taking her attention away from you?

If it's been a difficult email exchange she may just need time to think about what you've written and not want to keep fuelling things by replying to you. Not maybe the best way but she told you she thought it had gone too far and you could bring it to session. And she may just not have space to fit you in at 24 hours notice - my T is very flexible but I know I'd have little chance of seeing her with so little warning.

It's clear you're really very anxious, and maybe reading things into her response that aren't there? She may be really busy and just wanted to let you know she couldn't see you or continue the email exchange. She might set new boundaries on what she'll reply to if you email if it's taking up her time and headspace but you can't know that until you see her. Try not to torture yourself, and stop emailing her for now.

Reading this situation I know that I would feel the same as you, upset and scared that T would terminate and abandon me.
I want to say that I don't think any of this is your fault, and it's your T's job to know how to handle these kinds of issues. For some people, therapy tends to bring out deep-seated fears and problems around relationships and attachment. Nobody would deliberately choose to have these problems and fears, I think it's usually because we have had difficult experiences as children - by definition not our fault, children don't get to choose these things!
I really hope your T comes through for you and is able to be reassuring and show that she has a plan to help you in a compassionate and supportive way.
If by any chance she doesn't, that will be entirely about her, and her having limited capabilities as a therapist. If this is the case she should really be very careful not to take on work with people who have difficulty with attachment/relationships. But you couldn't know this, the responsibility is entirely on your T. In that worst case scenario I hope you would move to a therapist who is much more capable and get past the first difficult experience. But that is a worst case scenario- hopefully it won't be the case!
Best wishes to you and I'm sorry that it's a hard time!

I definitely understand you being upset and worried. I've been there as a result of e-mails with my T and my marriage counselor. But I wouldn't read too much into her not having an opening for you today. She may just be completely booked with clients. Are you scheduled to see her next week? She may be trying to avoid doing more e-mail right now for fear of upsetting you further. I doubt she wants to terminate you. She may just talk about misunderstandings over e-mail and maybe suggest ways to avoid that. Hang in there. And post here as much as you want--there are always people to talk to on here who understand!

I can understand what you are going through. I think she just wants to clarify the emails. I don't think she's going to terminate you.

I think you are absolutely spot on here LT. I've had many misunderstandings via text with my T & I know he is very careful with how he responds.

Just wanted to say thank you to everybody for their thoughtful responses. I can't tell you how much I appreciated it and how many times I've read what you all have said. I am still just waiting in a holding pattern. I see my T next week so I guess I will find out then. But right now, the days are just passing so painfully and slowly. Thank you all again.

So sorry. I totally get the fear of termination. I've had it myself and it's not a fun place to be in. I have a tendency to make assumptions based on tiny clues I pick up from T and so far my assumptions about T wanting to terminate me have been wrong. That may be what's happening with your T now.

But waiting to find out is agony, isn't it? Good luck and lots of hugs.

Regardless of the reason for her non-response, I think it's important to recognize that this is a major failure on her part. You shouldn't have to be sitting there stewing, and trying to think up rationalizations.

Also I consider this sort of fear of termination to be a toxic byproduct of the power differential. I know the feeling. Unless the therapist is able to mitigate this to the point that it does not compromise client well being, then it's another failure in my opinion.

How did it all turn out goatee?