My T hates me - she said FINE, GO AHEAD...

Im an adult and i know Ts are supposed to keep the professional confidentiality, but as i said i dont think my T is very professional so thats why i can see her talking with my parents about me. i dont think she would report what we talk about, but she could find a way to alert my parents something is going on. and i dont want that.

i've been thinking hard about it and i dont want to change T. i dont want to start over again with someone else. i dont even want to go back to my good T. it would be pointless. maybe another T could make me feel they accept my dark side, but they wouldnt change my beliefs and my plans.

also, lucidly, i dont really care much about what my T said. of course it was hard to hear but it changes nothing. she just proved what i think of me is true. im hopeless and helpless. so i guess i'll just stick with her and talk about other stuff.

I feel really sad as you say that you won't bring up your self destructive side again. I am guessing this experience with your t has made you want to repress these feelings and urges. This would be counter productive to your healing, perhaps this t is not the right t to facilitate your healing. Yes, your t does sound frustrated with you but what she is expressing is a frustration of your self sabotage and how that reflects on her as a therapist, you quit mess because you want to feel bad, this should be explored. Maybe feeling bad is a really familiar feeling to you and when you start to feel anything else it's too scary, this isn't your fault we as humans do what is familiar and comforting to us, we need a lot of support to enable change and what your t and my ex t were doing wasn't supporting us to want to change, to want to be happy.
You are not hopeless or helpless, this is how you are feeling because people around you have not heard your cry for help, you maybe are stuck in an impasse and it's really hard to see a way out. You are not bad for expressing how you feel or for quitting your meds, this was your way of regulating your difficult emotions. Is there a way we can support you on here that would help you right now?

Yes Monalisasmile, feeling bad is very familiar to me, maybe you're right and im afraid of feeling something else, like happiness, im not used to it. maybe i wished my T would have explored with me these self destructive feelings/thoughts/behavior, but now i dont feel like i can trust her again and go back to this subject. i dont think talking about it all would change anything anyway.

you all have done a lot for me already, you validated my feelings without judging and its more than i could hope for. thank you all for your support.