[1stepatatime]

I had my weekly session tonight. I was somewhat upset because my therapist didn't respond to my email last week like she usually will. When she didn't respond to the first one I sent a second one. Nothing.
So tonight when after I went in and sat down she said " so ,I didn't respond to your emails last week ". I acknowledged what she said and asked her why.. she very matter of factly said, " I don't have an answer for you, I just didn't ". Period. I responded " well okay then ". After more conversation she began to give me various reasons. I suggested that maybe she was trying to create more space between us when we're not in session as our sessions intensified. She said on a conscious level, no.
So... maybe she struggles with whatever her feelings are unconsciously ( even though she's not aware of them). By the way, the email that she didn't respond to me to was discussing our last session where I finally began to allow myself to be vulnerable. So for her not to respond was quite hurtful. I swear, sometimes I feel like she is the most compassionate person I've ever met and sometimes she feels somewhat cold and unattainable. This work is beginning to feel more and more difficult. : (

[DodgersMom]

i worry about this happening to me. I've emailed mine about 5 times total in 7 weeks but 2 of those were because he emailed me first and i replied. none the less i said today "i think i email you too much" and he said "i have not said that to you, yet" i didn't dawn on me until later to question the yet but i feel this exact this will happen and thats part of their plan, to kinda distance themselves, especially the super nice ones. ugh it is so hard sometimes, i feel ya there. i am sorry this happened and it wasn't more helpful for you and made you feel worse

[Sarmas]

Originally Posted by 1stepatatime

I had my weekly session tonight. I was somewhat upset because my therapist didn't respond to my email last week like she usually will. When she didn't respond to the first one I sent a second one. Nothing.
So tonight when after I went in and sat down she said " so ,I didn't respond to your emails last week ". I acknowledged what she said and asked her why.. she very matter of factly said, " I don't have an answer for you, I just didn't ". Period. I responded " well okay then ". After more conversation she began to give me various reasons. I suggested that maybe she was trying to create more space between us when we're not in session as our sessions intensified. She said on a conscious level, no.
So... maybe she struggles with whatever her feelings are unconsciously ( even though she's not aware of them). By the way, the email that she didn't respond to me to was discussing our last session where I finally began to allow myself to be vulnerable. So for her not to respond was quite hurtful. I swear, sometimes I feel like she is the most compassionate person I've ever met and sometimes she feels somewhat cold and unattainable. This work is beginning to feel more and more difficult. : (

It's frustrating and bothersome for some of us when we don't get a response. In addition that I could see how important it was for her to respond to your email. When a client takes a huge step like that it is important for the therapist to at least make the effort and respond with at least one or two words. It could even be something about addressing the topic in session. It's so vital for them to do so. I don't think that they know how much of an effort it takes on the clients part to do so. It's a window of opportunity for the the therapist to show acknowledgement of the efforts and encourage such behavior. By not responding the client then retrieves and only negative thoughts and behaviors come about.

[1stepatatime]

[QUOTE=Sarmas;5672949]It's frustrating and bothersome for some of us when we don't get a response. In addition that I could see how important it was for her to respond to your email. When a client takes a huge step like that it is important for the therapist to at least make the effort and respond with at least one or two words. It could even be something about addressing the topic in session. It's so vital for them to do so. I don't think that they know how much of an effort it takes on the clients part to do so. It's a window of opportunity for the the therapist to show acknowledgement of the efforts and encourage such behavior. By not responding the client then retrieves and only negative thoughts and behaviors come about.[/QUOTE
Exactly. Last night when I got home I emailed her about some awful things that I went through in my school years, bullying. In the four years that we've worked together I couldn't muster the courage to talk about that.. it was too painful but for the very first time I disclosed that, to her! So far.. no response. It's early so maybe she will respond a little later. I have the horrible feeling that she won't. I'm questioning if she even likes me anymore. Or is it me? This is tough.. it's a gray area. Very confusing to say the least. Thanks for your response.. it's always appreciated.

[1stepatatime]

Originally Posted by DodgersMom

i worry about this happening to me. I've emailed mine about 5 times total in 7 weeks but 2 of those were because he emailed me first and i replied. none the less i said today "i think i email you too much" and he said "i have not said that to you, yet" i didn't dawn on me until later to question the yet but i feel this exact this will happen and thats part of their plan, to kinda distance themselves, especially the super nice ones. ugh it is so hard sometimes, i feel ya there. i am sorry this happened and it wasn't more helpful for you and made you feel worse

It's so difficult! It amazes me that they somehow have this power over us, well I guess as long as we are willing participants they do. I'm starting to really question this process; the inconsistencies are almost unbearable.

[Sarmas]

[QUOTE=1stepatatime;5673108]

Originally Posted by Sarmas

It's frustrating and bothersome for some of us when we don't get a response. In addition that I could see how important it was for her to respond to your email. When a client takes a huge step like that it is important for the therapist to at least make the effort and respond with at least one or two words. It could even be something about addressing the topic in session. It's so vital for them to do so. I don't think that they know how much of an effort it takes on the clients part to do so. It's a window of opportunity for the the therapist to show acknowledgement of the efforts and encourage such behavior. By not responding the client then retrieves and only negative thoughts and behaviors come about.[/QUOTE
Exactly. Last night when I got home I emailed her about some awful things that I went through in my school years, bullying. In the four years that we've worked together I couldn't muster the courage to talk about that.. it was too painful but for the very first time I disclosed that, to her! So far.. no response. It's early so maybe she will respond a little later. I have the horrible feeling that she won't. I'm questioning if she even likes me anymore. Or is it me? This is tough.. it's a gray area. Very confusing to say the least. Thanks for your response.. it's always appreciated.

Give her time to respond. I take into consideration that my T might be busy or that she might be having her own issues. Sometimes they just don't like to respond to certain things via email and they wait for you scheduled session. Perhaps that approach is not very constructive or beneficial to for some clients. Her not responding doesn't necessarily mean that she doesn't like you. I guess it's easier to have negative thoughts when we feel that our issues are not being addressed. I have a tendency to do the same. The issue is that I don't think they know the effort that it takes to disclose such information. When I've disclosed information or when I've been more myself it's when I feel like I've had the most negative feedback if any from my therapist. That caused me to retrieve and not want to share the next time around. They want you to disclose things but when you do then it feels as if their not there to listen. Hopefully she will respond and put your mind more at ease.

[1stepatatime]

[QUOTE=Sarmas;5673537]

Originally Posted by 1stepatatime

Give her time to respond. I take into consideration that my T might be busy or that she might be having her own issues. Sometimes they just don't like to respond to certain things via email and they wait for you scheduled session. Perhaps that approach is not very constructive or beneficial to for some clients. Her not responding doesn't necessarily mean that she doesn't like you. I guess it's easier to have negative thoughts when we feel that our issues are not being addressed. I have a tendency to do the same. The issue is that I don't think they know the effort that it takes to disclose such information. When I've disclosed information or when I've been more myself it's when I feel like I've had the most negative feedback if any from my therapist. That caused me to retrieve and not want to share the next time around. They want you to disclose things but when you do then it feels as if their not there to listen. Hopefully she will respond and put your mind more at ease.

Hi there, well.. she did respond by telling me that my experiences sound very painful, she acknowledged how hard it was for me. I sent her a response explaining to her that absolutely nobody knows what I went through. I stressed to her that it was extremely difficult to share such painful memories and that I took a chance by sharing with her. I said that I need her to be here for me. She responded " I am here.. I'm definitely here". This is my therapist that I know and love.. but the one that was so dry and matter of fact a few nights ago scares me, she intimidates me a bit. It really confuses me how she can run hot and cold. I don't think there is anything therapeutically advantageous regarding the inconsistencies, I wonder if others experience this sort of thing?

[reb569]

I don't even have an email address for my therapist or for my daughter's Pdoc. I've never thought of asking for it. I'm not sure I'd want to communicate with either of them by email, but that's just me.

[LesFleursDuMal]

Originally Posted by reb569

I don't even have an email address for my therapist or for my daughter's Pdoc. I've never thought of asking for it. I'm not sure I'd want to communicate with either of them by email, but that's just me.

I don't have an email adress either, and I certainly don't want it. I know it's very helpful for a lot of people, but the more I read posts about clients being hurt when T is not answering or when they suddenly decide it's time to stop emailing even though they allowed it at first, the more I tend to think that it's not very professional to allow it in the first place. I see my T once a week, he's there for me during my appointment where I'm his only focus and that's it, I think it's enough. This way there is no hurt and no disappointment.

[koru_kiwi]

Originally Posted by 1stepatatime

It really confuses me how she can run hot and cold. I don't think there is anything therapeutically advantageous regarding the inconsistencies, I wonder if others experience this sort of thing?

i experienced similar inconsistencies with my ex-T, especially in regard to emails. i didn't ever feel that i was abusing the privilege to email and mostly all i wanted was a simple acknowledgement that he had read it or that we could discuss it more in session. i found the inconsistency to be insanely frustrating and hurtful and he was aware of that. because of this, i started to suspect that he was not responding on purpose to manipulate my reactions and/or transference since i would usually relate his inconsistencies back to old childhood hurts. the problem is that if ex-T was 'manipulating' as a method to help me overcome this deep rooted childhood issue, i never found this it helpful and more times than not it caused rifts in the relationship. in the end, i decided that it was better to not bother and just stopped emailing him because i felt that he could not be trusted or reliable.

so, long story short, personally i feel that ex-T not handling consistency well was more hurtful than helpful to my therapy because it deteriorated my sense of safety with him.

[1stepatatime]

Originally Posted by koru_kiwi

i experienced similar inconsistencies with my ex-T, especially in regard to emails. i didn't ever feel that i was abusing the privilege to email and mostly all i wanted was a simple acknowledgement that he had read it or that we could discuss it more in session. i found the inconsistency to be insanely frustrating and hurtful and he was aware of that. because of this, i started to suspect that he was not responding on purpose to manipulate my reactions and/or transference since i would usually relate his inconsistencies back to old childhood hurts. the problem is that if ex-T was 'manipulating' as a method to help me overcome this deep rooted childhood issue, i never found this it helpful and more times than not it caused rifts in the relationship. in the end, i decided that it was better to not bother and just stopped emailing him because i felt that he could not be trusted or reliable.

so, long story short, personally i feel that ex-T not handling consistency well was more hurtful than helpful to my therapy because it deteriorated my sense of safety with him.

You summed it up!! When my therapist behaves like this it is intimidating, frustrating,hurtful and definitely not at all helpful and just as you said, it is deteriorating my sense of safety with her. I may tell her that when we meet next week. Thank you!!

It's kinda weird that your T would bring up that she did not respond but then refused further discussion - what's the point of that?

I also experienced inconsistencies and erratic behavior regarding emailing with one of my therapists. He actually said a couple times directly that we should not communicate via email and he won't respond, but then he does (even defensively when I criticize something) and said it's fine to email. I went through a few cycles like that with him and in the end I was the one who had enough and changed my behavior, which was actually quite rewarding and progressive for me. I found his attitude around emails often quite manipulative.

I think many Ts don't want to deal with "therapy material" via email and that's why they don't respond to deeper stuff. My second T was very good with this: he allowed and actually encouraged my emailing about anything and as much as I wanted but would respond consistently in a minimalistic, often neutral way. I think that the problem in this area is not that some Ts don't engage with clients between sessions but that they do it erratically, to which some of us are particularly sensitive. The standard response would be to bring it up in session but, in my experience with the T above, that did not make a difference either. We could go far into analyzing why I am sensitive to this but they he repeat it over and over. It can really destroy even the little trust a client may have developed for them and their competency.

[1stepatatime]

Originally Posted by Xynesthesia

It's kinda weird that your T would bring up that she did not respond but then refused further discussion - what's the point of that?

I also experienced inconsistencies and erratic behavior regarding emailing with one of my therapists. He actually said a couple times directly that we should not communicate via email and he won't respond, but then he does (even defensively when I criticize something) and said it's fine to email. I went through a few cycles like that with him and in the end I was the one who had enough and changed my behavior, which was actually quite rewarding and progressive for me. I found his attitude around emails often quite manipulative.

I think many Ts don't want to deal with "therapy material" via email and that's why they don't respond to deeper stuff. My second T was very good with this: he allowed and actually encouraged my emailing about anything and as much as I wanted but would respond consistently in a minimalistic, often neutral way. I think that the problem in this area is not that some Ts don't engage with clients between sessions but that they do it erratically, to which some of us are particularly sensitive. The standard response would be to bring it up in session but, in my experience with the T above, that did not make a difference either. We could go far into analyzing why I am sensitive to this but they he repeat it over and over. It can really destroy even the little trust a client may have developed for them and their competency.

Thank you. I struggle with trust because of her inconsistency and that in itself is frustrating because aside from that she is an awesome therapist. Highly respected, and usually warm and receptive, except for those times where she gives me very short, cold answers to my questions. At the end of the day I need to know that she likes me , even though I may be challenging, annoying or whatever. It's important for me to know that she does REALLY care. I believe that is going to be our discussion this week. I shouldn't feel intimidated by her.. and sometimes I do.

Originally Posted by 1stepatatime

I had my weekly session tonight. I was somewhat upset because my therapist didn't respond to my email last week like she usually will. When she didn't respond to the first one I sent a second one. Nothing.

So tonight when after I went in and sat down she said " so ,I didn't respond to your emails last week ". I acknowledged what she said and asked her why.. she very matter of factly said, " I don't have an answer for you, I just didn't ". Period. I responded " well okay then ". After more conversation she began to give me various reasons. I suggested that maybe she was trying to create more space between us when we're not in session as our sessions intensified. She said on a conscious level, no.

So... maybe she struggles with whatever her feelings are unconsciously ( even though she's not aware of them). By the way, the email that she didn't respond to me to was discussing our last session where I finally began to allow myself to be vulnerable. So for her not to respond was quite hurtful. I swear, sometimes I feel like she is the most compassionate person I've ever met and sometimes she feels somewhat cold and unattainable. This work is beginning to feel more and more difficult. : (

I am curious as to the work is more and more difficult or the relationship is more and more difficult?
I would be hurt too if my t had not given me any excuse. In fact I text her last few weeks twice after our sessions and nothing,no reply. I have learnt that this is more about my t than me. It feels punishing and withholding to me but to her it is more a case of containing the work to our sessions.
I have learned that t can be busy and sometimes for get to reply. Your t didn't, she didn't have an answer and that must have been hard to hear, silence. This seems confusing and hurtful, it's almost like a power struggle or something.

[1stepatatime]

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

I am curious as to the work is more and more difficult or the relationship is more and more difficult?
I would be hurt too if my t had not given me any excuse. In fact I text her last few weeks twice after our sessions and nothing,no reply. I have learnt that this is more about my t than me. It feels punishing and withholding to me but to her it is more a case of containing the work to our sessions.
I have learned that t can be busy and sometimes for get to reply. Your t didn't, she didn't have an answer and that must have been hard to hear, silence. This seems confusing and hurtful, it's almost like a power struggle or something.

It's a little of both. The work is definitely becoming more difficult because I'm starting to get into some really difficult stuff. The relationship is difficult because one minute she's warm, nurturing,then fast forward to the next session and she's telling me " I just didn't answer your email ", as if she's saying " tough **** one step, I'm not giving you anymore so deal with it". I think she knows I'm a little intimidated when she acts that way but it doesn't stop me from telling her how I feel.

[koru_kiwi]

Originally Posted by 1stepatatime

The relationship is difficult because one minute she's warm, nurturing,then fast forward to the next session and she's telling me " I just didn't answer your email ", as if she's saying " tough **** one step, I'm not giving you anymore so deal with it".

this was my ex-T as well...warm, nurturing and supportive one moment (either in session or via email response) and then the next time cold and especially defensive when i tried to discuss how i felt when he did not respond to me. the inconsistency use to really throw me for a loop and more times than not i would just blame myself and figured it was my ***** to deal with. it took a long time for me to finally recognise that it had more to do with my ex-T and his issues than with me, similar to what monalisasmile said.