[DodgersMom]

I kinda assumed this was a given but I saw on a FB group, people say in many cases its advised not to, it can make things worse for you and its better to work through the here and now.....

I ask because I only recently realized my mom is a Narcissist and it has explained so much of why I am how I am, and I am seeing all this emotional damage I've carried with me all this time.... but

if its only gonna make things worse to revisit, maybe it's best to work on just trying to learn now to deal with my issues in the present ??

(for instance, i am unsure of how to make any real life decision, I am literally in fear of disappointing my mom and THAT is always how I decide anything and i am not assertive in the least and never stand up for myself etc)

Just some HELPFUL advice would be nice, thanks?

[atisketatasket]

I would say that if your mother is still such an important factor in your life, that you're afraid to disappoint her, you should talk about her, past and present.

[ruh roh]

She's very much part of your life now, and it's an issue for you, so I would definitely bring it to therapy.

The only reason the past comes up in my own therapy is because of my current life situation and issues that relate directly to the past--but the work is in the now, if that makes sense.

[DodgersMom]

Originally Posted by atisketatasket

I would say that if your mother is still such an important factor in your life, that you're afraid to disappoint her, you should talk about her, past and present.

I sadly live with her so she is very much present.... I just wasn't sure if its a waste of time going through all that stuff or not, but good to know. I'll tell him I wanna work through it more.

[DodgersMom]

Originally Posted by ruh roh

She's very much part of your life now, and it's an issue for you, so I would definitely bring it to therapy.

The only reason the past comes up in my own therapy is because of my current life situation and issues that relate directly to the past--but the work is in the now, if that makes sense.

Very much so and he knows about my mom already but we haven't talked about it much yet because I had to work out a bigger issue that brought me to therapy to begin with first.....but I am just seeing how much this is still effecting me and of course living with her isn't helping matters.

I get what you are saying. That is kind of how he works anyway I think, not having to relive everything unless its somehow related to you now

[ScarletPimpernel]

Personally, I spent the first part of therapy talking about my past. I found it helpful. Now we talk mostly about the present. My T thinks, and I agree, that I've done enough processing of my past. There's no more healing to be had except to move forward.

So yes I think you should talk about your past if you haven't processed it yet. It can be very painful, but there can be great healing too. And especially since your mom is still a part of your life.

Inassertiveness, not standing up for yourself, inability to make decisions, changing yourself to appease your mother point to self worth, which is an issue of the present. I would think this affects all or most aspects of your life.

The way our mothers or caregivers interacted with us, I think, can largely influence or shape who we are today and might be worthwhile to talk about.

On the other hand, I think sometimes revisiting the past can do harm. Think about how to explore it without actually reliving it (something I just realized I've been struggling with actually). It sounds like your T can help you with this.

[jesswah]

Working through the here and now is all fine and well, but it sounds like the past is having a big impact on here and now. I personally would bring it up - to get a better handle on how you currently deal with life, try to heal and move forward, and help your T to understand you better.

[satsuma]

I think that having a better understanding of things in the past, and being able to see them differently, can have a big influence on what is happening in the present.

For me, going over things that had happened in my past with T, and seeing them in a new light to understand that they did not happen because I was bad or because anything was wrong with me, made a profound difference to how I see myself as a person and this affects my present life in a very positive way.

I think this is a very useful aspect of going over things that happened in the past. At the same time I can see that it's not good to be stuck going over and over the past for ever and there comes a point when it may be healthy to just accept some things and kind of move on and try to focus on the present. But I don't think this means never work through past things. I guess there's a time and a place for everything.

[junkDNA]

yay



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[junkDNA]

yay



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[velcro003]

Originally Posted by ruh roh

She's very much part of your life now, and it's an issue for you, so I would definitely bring it to therapy.

The only reason the past comes up in my own therapy is because of my current life situation and issues that relate directly to the past--but the work is in the now, if that makes sense.

My therapy is the same way. I think you should bring up whatever you feels needs talking about. I don't know what this FB group is, but there is a theory that for very traumatized individuals with abuse in their past, sometimes talking in detail about what happened can be re-traumatizing. But that depends on the individual and your T would discuss that with you ahead of time.

[mccarrolmike]

Originally Posted by DodgersMom

I kinda assumed this was a given but I saw on a FB group, people say in many cases its advised not to, it can make things worse for you and its better to work through the here and now.....

I ask because I only recently realized my mom is a Narcissist and it has explained so much of why I am how I am, and I am seeing all this emotional damage I've carried with me all this time.... but

if its only gonna make things worse to revisit, maybe it's best to work on just trying to learn now to deal with my issues in the present ??

(for instance, i am unsure of how to make any real life decision, I am literally in fear of disappointing my mom and THAT is always how I decide anything and i am not assertive in the least and never stand up for myself etc)

Just some HELPFUL advice would be nice, thanks?

I have had the same issues with my own narcissistic mother whom never raised me.
When I would visit her on my vacations, she would bring up the same damn reasonable reasons as to why she gave me up to my grandparents. She was 15 when she had me in 1980. My father was 18.

She would tell it was for the best, always when she'd be in the bathroom as she stylised her hair and put on her make-up.
Shed do this repetitively through my early early adulthood.

There was something almost cynical in her voice about the way she would say it, as she whipped her long dyed blonde wavy hair, combing it to the other side.
It was like a broken record. I would ask myself, why doesn't she just put an end to the past? So we could both move on. But I couldn't at the moment because of my undiagnosed ADHD.

When I finally get diagnosed with ADHD, my life changed.
With medication, my eyes opened for the first time and I started to pick up on everything. I was able to understand why my mother treated me with such disregard and all those repitive conversations with her in bathroom.

I realized she would always play the victim.
That my family mistreated her and it was not true.
How my father was unfaithful to her yet they weren't married.
My father was 18 when I was born. Her signed up for the Navy and served 12 years. He ensured that every month I was well taken care of monetarily.
While my mother would play Hodini, disappearing 10 years and suddenly show up to take my away and buy me toys as if she were making up for all the years of her absence. After a week of me spending time with her, she would disappear again for another 5 years.

Also, shortly after she gave birth to me, she ran off with her soon to be husband whom did not like children.
Including his own which he too abandoned. They were made for each other. They were the Bonnie and Clyde of abandoning their off spring.

He would later cheat on my mother for another woman after 15 years of matrimony.
They divorced and she would later marry twice.

We currently are not on speaking terms until she finally admits her wrongs...