New t noticed a pattern

I still don't trust my new t and to be quite honest I find myself both beguiled and terrified of her.
So today I seen her for the first time in two months. She had one really long finger nail and it was very distracting. I think of a witch every time I see her which is a projection, I know.
Well today she began by telling me she had noticed a pattern in me. She said that she has been worried and interested in this pattern and wanted to check with me if that's my sense of it too. So she began to tell me that she noticed that I don't feel danger or alarm bells in certain situations that are very dangerous. She wondered if it was to do with being around so much trauma all my life that I have become immune to it. I said it wasn't an issue for me, I wasn't concerned about it. To be honest it annoyed me that she was noticing patterns and keeping tabs on my behaviour. She left it open for me to interpret after she asked about my past but I didn't want to go there with her today or anymore. This is a very strong reaction and a clear no from me. It's because I don't trust her and this felt evasive.

I think it's great that she focused and is paying attention. I understand your trust factor but she seems willing to work. That's a great attribute in a T.

Maybe because my old t was so indifferent that this feels so intrusive. I really felt like telling her to keep her nose out and go notice her patterns elsewhere.

I get that. It seems as perhaps she's trying to help. Did you explain to her how you felt at the time. How did you respond to that?

I am amazed you noticed her fingernails. I always thought one long one meant cocaine use

It's interesting she mentions alarm bells not going off in situations that are dangerous. I can sort of imagine my regular T saying something like this - like we think this treatment is " normal " because it's all we're used to and other people are waving red flags. I'm still trying to get round my Mother was out to lunch and how I sometimes am reluctant to leave situations that are abusive in some way. You had such a bad experience with Ex T. " It's not an issue / I'm not concerned " sounds like don't want to go there - then annoyance ( sounds like me too ! ). I might try and explore this but you don't seem to have regular sessions. Did you ever consider trying the T who the most experienced in the county again ?

I didn't respond to it much just with indifference. It's only now since I have come away from it that it has made me angry. I think that she is trying to help but I see it as intrusive.
I have looked this up on google and yeah, cocaine users usually have their pinky finger nail long to scoop up the cocaine. To be honest it's so long that it's really distracting. She keeps horses maybe it's something to do with that.i can't see her using drugs but she is an addiction therapist so god knows. Maybe she plays guitar.


No I didn't try that t again. I didn't really click with them. I am not clicking with this t either but I think it's because she can see right through me, it's actually scary how astute she is and I feel naked in sessions.
That's what she was saying, that I have become so used to chaos that it leaves me unfazed. I don't see it as a problem but she was worried that it leaves me vulnerable to more abuse. I have been wondering lately why I don't feel afraid but I have seen this as an advantage, she sees it as a weakness. I think it's more about me numbing and avoiding any strong feelings

I personally love when my therapists make observations like that, even if I feel uncomfortable about it momentarily, and even if they are off and/or make me upset. It makes me think and re-evaluate things. That is why I went to therapy in the first place, to have someone else's view, insight and suggestions... I've learned with time that they actually rarely do this (relative to how much I would like), even when asked, but I do still ask when I have sessions occasionally (not in regular therapy right now) because, for me, that's the main point of going and paying them. I do think, though, that providing observations and interpretations constructively is a form of art that few do well.

I have a version of that fearless attitude around risk as well and a long history of taking on projects (often initiating) and getting into situations that most other people around me would not touch or even think of. I did not learn about this pattern via therapy, just by living my life. For me, if there is any element of it related to early life traumas, I think it relatively minor (maybe being quite immune to attacks and negativity due to bullying when I was a kid) and it's more an inherent personality thing. My father was very similar in this sense. For example, what is usually described as a novelty seeking temperament. I have a very high dose of that and it's indeed gotten me into difficult situations several times...some with complicated consequences, but I also regard it as a major force and inspiration that has driven some of my best life experiences and discoveries. Definitely not black/white. I've learned to tame it somewhat with aging and experience but it's still a big part of who I am and will always be, I think. My Ts definitely recognized it also, quite soon after meeting me. The irony is that I am also prone to generalized anxiety and have been in my whole life - perhaps the risk taking, in part, is something to counter that.

MLS I find that I am always worried about overstepping when I reply to your posts but here goes: I agree with your T and have said so in as many words. This is what I've meant when I've said to you that abuse feels emotionally familiar to you (ie something like love) and that you have seemed very quick to make excuses for extremely sketchy behaviour from past therapists. IMHO your T is onto something.

Sounds like you found yourself a good T.

Thank you for your reply
I think that I have missed that this is a good thing and as usual I focused on the negative part of it. It is good that she is linking things up and making correct observations. It's the uncomfortableness of it that irked me. It's not black and white like you say or right or wrong, it just is. I think it was the way she delivered it, it felt old and distancing and I heard it as a judgement although I know that wasn't her intention.
This could be related to early trauma or maybe not, I am not sure, I could just have no understanding of how I protect myself. In our next two sessions t wants to really explore this in depth. She wants to get a sense of what happens for me when I should feel danger but don't. I feel danger around her but I know there is no reason to. This is something to think about for sure. Sounds like you have a really good understanding of what happens for you ?


I am not sure yet but thank you!
I know I can be very sensitive and get triggered by posts sometimes as does most of us, I imagine. FJ, I always appreciate your posts but I won't lie, I do get upset when I feel my ex t is being judged or attacked.
I can now see that abuse has meant love for me in the past, no wonder I yearned for ex t so much. Yes, it is a very familiar feeling and this is why I am so suspicious of my new t because she hasn't shown any abusive tendencies as of yet. I don't trust it. I don't trust her.
Sorry if I have made you feel like you are over stepping the mark in the past. I can see now that posters were concerned and meant well.
There was definitely something playing out between ex t and I.

mona, I think it is a T's job to notice patterns that we may be unaware of or don't want to admit we have. I feel uncomfortable when my T points out a pattern, but I'm also grateful when she does. In your case, if you don't trust your T, I can understand why her observations seem invasive. Maybe it is too soon. Maybe the best way to proceed is to discuss your feeling of mistrust before you go any farther. I think she will be very interested in hearing that you feel danger around her, IF you can get yourself to tell her that.

Why haven't you seen her for two months? A long interval like that could "mess up your connection", in my opinion. Or could have gotten you thinking about exT too much. I'm just guessing. I hope you can work this stuff out with this T. I have a feeling she's good at what she does.

I personally absolutely can't stand when T expresses an observation such as this. And I don't ever appreciate my T doing it. Fortunately he dares to do it very seldom and when he does then I usually ask him what should I do with his observation now, should I praise him somehow or what?

For me the reason is that I don't believe any therapist (or any person for that matter) could really observe or tell me anything I wouldn't know myself. In these kinds of things I'm 10 steps ahead of my T and I don't even expect him to make any useful observation ever. And this is not the reason I go to see him anyway. For some reason he still keeps doing those observations occasionally and it has been useful exactly once (out of more than 6000 sessions) - in our very first session he told me that he sees very much pain in me, which was something that had not ever occurred to me and which I recognised as true. Because of this observation I chose him as my T. But later he hasn't been useful to me in such a way and I don't even expect him to be. To me, therapy does not mean constant analysing why I do this and that - this is something I can do very well on my own and I don't need anyone to do that for me.

Hmm..never knew that! Maybe she plays guitar too...though usually it is longer finger nails on one hand.
I agree.

Mona, I know you hate it when you feel like your ex-T was judged or attacked, but coming from an outsider's perspective, she was really, really unethical and abusive.

I hope one day you can see that.

I also sort of agree with your T's observation. I have a feeling you feel like you don't connect with her is because she isn't colluding with the side of you that is so attracted to all the trauma and abuse, and therefore feels comfortable and normal. I think maybe you are angry is because she is right. I really hope you don't give up on this T.

Whenever I feel defensive about something my therapist says, I take that as a sign that perhaps he is on to something that I don't want to know about, so maybe I should listen and give it some serious consideration.

It's part of their job to look for patterns and bring them to our awareness. And to encourage us to think about our lives in new ways.

If it felt intrusive to you, though, you should say so. Trust is something that has to be constantly negotiated.

I can relate to a lot of what you say. How can a relatively new t judge your behaviour on what she has witnessed me say in our 6 or so sessions. It seems outrageous to me but I realise that my response to her saying this is more than disagreement it's a touchy subject.
From what your t told you was it his empathy or the observation? Sounds like he was really attuned to you in that session.
I often feel like you, should I praise them, tell them I disagree with their observation, get angry because they are wrong but sometimes right? I am very self reflective and has wondered if there was something wrong with me because I wasn't reacting like others do in certain situations but I didn't need her to tell me.

Thank you Moment, yes we do need to talk about this trust issue that keeps arising between us.
I did feel very defensive and I think she pointed out my body language again saying I was very tight around my pelvis and asked if I was self soothing because I always fidget with my hands. She was also asking about my feet which were restless and I felt like a lan rat with her watching closely for anything unusual.

She is right, I know deep in my heart she is right. I think that you are also right about her not colliding with me and so I feel like she isn't on my side. I could quite put my finger on what was happening between us, thank you. I also think she feels like she is being pulled into some dangerous territory with me and she is staying well back.
I am slowly beginning to see that my ex t was abusive at time and she was also very kind at times. I am still very fond of her and attached. I am trying to separate the two parts of her. She was not perfect and very complex. I have come to the conclusion that she was triggered by me.


Hi Rainbow,
Thanks for your response. I hadn't seen her in two months because she was on holidays/ training. I was sick and she was sick, so it was two months in between sessions. During those two months I considered ringing ex t every single day, I obsessed and cried about her. It was very hard for me because ex t and I seen each other every week and sometimes twice a week.
I know this t is really good at what she does because she listens, she hears the unsaid and she has very very strong boundaries. I also think she is a witch, which would explain her insight, intuition. I did mention distrust of ts before and she said she thought that was very wise given my previous experiences. She also said she wouldn't ask me to trust her but to use my gut as my internal compass.