[MatBell]

This is a a bit of a rant for me to write down some things. I hope some of you can relate to some of it. If you can, I would love to hear about your relationship with your therapist.

My relationship with mine can be very up/down. Today was one of the bad sessions. She seemed annoyed me with at times, judgmental and coming to conclusions about me out of the blue. This annoys me and I just become more uncooperative. Almost like a teenager in a sulk, ridiculous but that's how it is. I know she is there to try and help me - that's the whole point - and she's trying to help me help myself. And then it gets to where I'm trying to just say what I think she wants to hear.

Right now she tries to get me to do more, get out of bed and get to meet more people and get more meaning in my life. We talk about new hobbies and so on. She says that I shouldn't wait to "feel like" doing things, but just do them. Because when you do them then you get more energy and become happy. She makes it sound so easy. Just do it. I try to say that I don't have energy, that it's so hard seeing the point in doing anything. But then she dismisses it, telling me "but where does that get you?", how does it help you just staying in bed?"
I just don't think she has experienced and knows about depression. I'm not trying to come up with excuses why I don't do things, and just saying the truth. And then I feel like she's almost berating me. And then I get angry and clam up. It's not good. I know what she's saying is right, I guess I just want a bit more understanding and empathy from her. When I hear her talk about me, it sounds like I've never tried to do anything in my whole life. But I've tried so much of all kinds of things seeking out people, new opportunities and so on.
Can't I get some credit for that?

Sometimes it's like feel like a little kid again in front of my parents being told off, instead of two grown ups talking. And I hate the person I become when I'm in that situation, just being a shell of myself with no confidence at all.

I hope someone can relate to some of this.

Depression is a bear. I completely understand that paradox of knowing what I need to do to battle the depression and feeling completely unable to do what I need to do to battle the depression. I also understand the feeling that I'm just not being understood about how difficult it is to function while depressed, and yes, sometimes I felt like my therapist didn't get it.

What I learned was that it wasn't so much that he didn't understand. Actually he did; he had dealt with depression himself. But honestly, it wouldn't have done me any good to go to sessions and just have him say, "You're right. You are too depressed to do anything about it, so just don't bother to try." I know I'm exaggerating here; it is what I "heard" in my head; not really what was being said. That's the thing about depression; it warps what is being said to me into criticism and scolding when, in reality, that really isn't what is being said or what is really going on.

And there was a difference in how my therapist spoke to me about my depression depending on if it was my usual, constant, typical depression or if it was a really severe, depressive episode where I was becoming suicidal. For me, there was a distinct difference, and my therapist could tell the difference and handled them differently.

With my usual, constant unrelenting depression, he tended towards getting me to fight against what depression was telling me to do. Depression told me to stay in bed all day; I needed to get up and move. Depression told me to isolate; I needed to push myself to engage with other people. Depression told me not to eat or to eat too much; I needed to pay attention to a healthy diet, etc. He wasn't going to sit back and tell me it was okay to indulge the bad habits and messages depression was giving me. He understood it was a constant battle against the depression, but he also knew I needed to engage in that battle or the enemy would win.

On the other hand, there were times my depression went beyond that level. It truly became much more debilitating. I became suicidal. I needed a higher level of intervention from my psychiatrist and ended up hospitalized many times. That was a whole different level of depression, and my therapist absolutely knew at those times I was truly unable to function. He didn't push me the same way at those times because he knew I needed a different level of support then.

Not sure any of that helps, but I hear you and understand the frustration and exhaustion.

[Moment]

I can indeed relate to this (not my therapist treating me like this, but others) and I am sorry you feel this way.

Can you tell your therapist how you feel? Just basically say to her exactly what you have said here?

If she is a good therapist she will be non-defensive and take in what you say. If she can't do that, I would wonder if she is the right person to help you.

[MatBell]

Originally Posted by lolagrace

Depression is a bear. I completely understand that paradox of knowing what I need to do to battle the depression and feeling completely unable to do what I need to do to battle the depression. I also understand the feeling that I'm just not being understood about how difficult it is to function while depressed, and yes, sometimes I felt like my therapist didn't get it.

What I learned was that it wasn't so much that he didn't understand. Actually he did; he had dealt with depression himself. But honestly, it wouldn't have done me any good to go to sessions and just have him say, "You're right. You are too depressed to do anything about it, so just don't bother to try." I know I'm exaggerating here; it is what I "heard" in my head; not really what was being said. That's the thing about depression; it warps what is being said to me into criticism and scolding when, in reality, that really isn't what is being said or what is really going on.

And there was a difference in how my therapist spoke to me about my depression depending on if it was my usual, constant, typical depression or if it was a really severe, depressive episode where I was becoming suicidal. For me, there was a distinct difference, and my therapist could tell the difference and handled them differently.

With my usual, constant unrelenting depression, he tended towards getting me to fight against what depression was telling me to do. Depression told me to stay in bed all day; I needed to get up and move. Depression told me to isolate; I needed to push myself to engage with other people. Depression told me not to eat or to eat too much; I needed to pay attention to a healthy diet, etc. He wasn't going to sit back and tell me it was okay to indulge the bad habits and messages depression was giving me. He understood it was a constant battle against the depression, but he also knew I needed to engage in that battle or the enemy would win.

On the other hand, there were times my depression went beyond that level. It truly became much more debilitating. I became suicidal. I needed a higher level of intervention from my psychiatrist and ended up hospitalized many times. That was a whole different level of depression, and my therapist absolutely knew at those times I was truly unable to function. He didn't push me the same way at those times because he knew I needed a different level of support then.

Not sure any of that helps, but I hear you and understand the frustration and exhaustion.

Thanks a lot for sharing your experiences. I know my therapist has to push me a bit but, as you said, I hear it as her scolding and berating me. I know I just have to 'keep going' even though everything looks so hard and I just want to 'stop going'. It's just hard to convince myself of that when I'm really down.

Last thursday I was REALLY down, and she was worried and wanted me to go to hospital. And she did act different then, didn't demand anything of me and tried to be gentle. So I guess she can also sense my different stages of depression.

[MatBell]

Originally Posted by Moment

I can indeed relate to this (not my therapist treating me like this, but others) and I am sorry you feel this way.

Can you tell your therapist how you feel? Just basically say to her exactly what you have said here?

If she is a good therapist she will be non-defensive and take in what you say. If she can't do that, I would wonder if she is the right person to help you.

Thanks. Yes I will try. I'm just not good at those kind of 'confrontations'. Maybe I just need to see her a little less. Right now it's twice a week.

[Out There]

Yes , I can relate to not feeling like doing things. I push myself sometimes , but my T's do understand the feelings.