[~Isola~]

I'm not even sure where to start. I have been reasonably stable for years, but now everything is falling apart. My obsession with my therapist of 1.5 years has gotten totally out of hand, I think of her all day every day and barely sleep or even eat. It used to be so that since I couldn't be anything else to her, I wanted to be a really good patient, and was processing traumatic childhood and abusive relationship stuff endlessly and exhaustively. Then she and I had a falling out some 3 weeks ago, about what felt like her dangling the idea of a transitional object in front of me and then later calling it a joke. I was crushed. Since then, the focus has been on her. I know this goes against any reason, but I am absolutely desperate for her. I'm losing sight of ethics and morals and what's good/bad for me and just want her in my life no matter what.

It's not all bad and weird with her. I want to give her due credit. I have made a lot of progress and started processing many painful things I never knew how to touch before. She has facilitated that. But I think my problem with her is that somehow she doesn't seem to subscribe to the whole concept of maternal/romantic/erotic transference in my case, even though it seems really clear to me. Or at least used to. She just dismisses it whenever I mention it and talks about falling in love instead. She also said this is "a little bit stronger" than the usual transference, but didn't explain why or how. And somehow I think that screws with my head. I've started wondering if that's how she sees it, then maybe it's "real" after all. Yeah, I know. Sometimes I almost feel like she's trying to encourage me to make a move, and I have no idea if it's to hurt me or to be with me. Probably not true and probably neither. And I know either option is bad, but this train wreck pulls me in like nothing ever has. I think it's noteworthy that the experience that really got this hell machine going was being hurt by her.

My home life is a mess. I'm trying to establish myself as an artist, have been working on multiple big projects, trying to do all things, going in too many directions at once, all the while demanding perfection of myself. Yeah, right. I've made a lot of progress and accomplished some pretty significant things in a short time, but still, it feels like I'm failing and never good enough. My spouse is kind and patient and understanding to a degree, but I have been withdrawing from her. I feel some resentment for her, because everything home and "adulting" is on me. I shop for food, plan and cook it, refill both of our prescriptions, listen to her whining about taking her pills and vitamins every day, make her coffee and breakfast, do laundry, clean the house, take care of the pet and the car and try to organize everything so that our home would be nice and functional. It's not. I'm slipping more and more, am constantly exhausted and angry and hopeless and I find myself snapping at her for insignificant things. I should point out that she's the breadwinber, so to speak, so she does provide and carry her weight. When I moved here from another country and didn't know what to fo with my life, it seemed fair and logical to take on more and more home stuff as I was learning my way. But now it's too much, and I cannot do it all without just deciding to be a housewife. Which is not what either of us wants. The financial disparity puts a huge burden on our relationship and my self-esteem.

I have severe ADHD and a bunch of other issues, and I just don't have it in me to run everything at home and try to make something of myself at the same time. Also I have chronic pain, have for the past two years, but I have no damn spoons to figure it out. I mentioned it in my physical late last year, but the dr shrugged it of. I have not taken a day off since Christmas. I don't know how to anymore. I even find myself thinking of ways of hurting myself, which has been a non-issue for a long time. But, thankfully, I have healthier coping mechanisms now, like cleaning the house ragefully or losing myself in my projects, painting, writing etc. These past few days, though. I have just been sitting around crying, chain-smoking and overthinking. I had a screaming fit at my spouse last night, went bed without dinner, woke up crying, talked with a friend on the phone and, gradually, started feeling a little more sane again. I have to sort out my life.

I moved here from my birth country a few years ago, and I find myself pretty lonely. All of my longtime friends are 7 time zones away, and while I talk with a few of them regularly, it's not the same. Nobody ever seems to want to dedicate any time for me like they used to when I was there. I don't think they're bad friends. They just don't understand how it feels to be in my shoes. And I don't want to be whiny and clingy. It's really hard to make new friends in a new culture, in a language I have not grown up with. Even though I mostly embrace the basic American mentality that appears much more encouraging and happy than where I come from, I struggle with the lack of straightforwardness and confusing social norms I find kind of artificial at times. And I'm hopelessly socially awkward.

Anyway, I think that my dysfunctional social life is contributing to this state of unravel more than I have been thinking. My attachment to t having grown to disastrous proportions is partially because often she's all I have. I think. I've been thinking about seeing another therapist, to gain some sort of healthier perspective on all this. But I'm fearful of that screaming "risky patient" or something, and thus starting on the wrong foot.

Thoughts?

[feileacan]

I would encourage you to see another therapist - in your situation it seems very reasonable thing to do. You are not risky patient - it seems that your T doesn't know how to help you with your feelings. It's not your fault at all.

What is it with your spouse? Why do you have to do everything alone?

[Nammu]

Sounds like you are in a place like a teenager and getting ready to separate and it's causing intense reactions.

[~Isola~]

Thank you for your responses.

To be honest, I'm not really sure what it is with her. She's naturally lower energy than I am, has chronic, low-grade depression, and she does have a job that's at times very stressful. We have talked about dividing the responsibilities a little bit more evenly, but it easily slips back to how it was, and often I feel like it only happens after I blow up. For a little while. We go to marriage counseling, but the focus tends to be on me being all kinds of challenging.

I can sort of see the teenager aspect. But I'm much older. I don't know if starting over in a new country is generally easier for other people, but it sure has been a struggle for me. But it also has helped me in many ways. I have felt free in a way I never did before, to look beyond what I'm used to and pursue things I really want. I've gained a lot of perspective on my very dysfunctional family and been able to shed a lot of emotional baggage that used to be in the way of trying things and believing in myself. It's a really mixed bag.

[~Isola~]

Oh and...the thought of leaving t permanently... It's seriously too painful right now.

[atisketatasket]

Smack me upside the head if I am off base here. Are you focusing on the therapist because you are avoiding thinking about the situation with your spouse? Or the therapist is standing in for the spouse?

Did you talk about the transitional object incident with the therapist? How did that go?

As for the spouse...I have been in your place, but I was also the breadwinner at the same time. It is stressful to be in either position - I imagine your spouse might be feeling resentful of you as well and feels like she is the one doing the adulting. Is there no possible compromise here? She picks up the prescriptions, does some chores and cooking on weekends, etc.?

[ruh roh]

"But I think my problem with her is that somehow she doesn't seem to subscribe to the whole concept of maternal/romantic/erotic transference in my case, even though it seems really clear to me. Or at least used to. She just dismisses it whenever I mention it and talks about falling in love instead. She also said this is "a little bit stronger" than the usual transference, but didn't explain why or how. And somehow I think that screws with my head. I've started wondering if that's how she sees it, then maybe it's "real" after all. Yeah, I know. Sometimes I almost feel like she's trying to encourage me to make a move, and I have no idea if it's to hurt me or to be with me."

I think that she is telling you the truth--that she sees your transference as stronger than how she is used to seeing it in therapy, not that she is waiting for you to make a move on her (not sure if I read that right--sorry if I got that part wrong). It also doesn't sound like she is dialed in to your distress.

I think it's pretty cruel to have offered a transition object and then say it was just a joke. Could it be that you were pushing yourself too hard with difficult material and now you're paying the price with a lot of internal chaos? The relationship can get really intense when you are working on such deep issues, but it's only intense on the client's end of things and not so much the therapist's.

[~Isola~]

Originally Posted by atisketatasket

I imagine your spouse might be feeling resentful of you as well and feels like she is the one doing the adulting.

I'm writing a longer response to the other things, but this confuses me a little. Is it because she has a "real job" or just because she makes a lot more money than I do?

The problem here is that I get no time off. I may not be making a lot of money at this point, but I'm building a business, and to get things going in a reasonable time frame, the hours can be grueling. I am certainly aware of and grateful for the privilege of being able to do this, as in opposed to being forced to take just any job in order to be able to eat. But, I often spend ~16 hours a day working on my stuff or the home, and that is too much. She has a 8 hour working day and that's it. I have been trying to manage, because it felt fair. but now I'm not sure anymore. I'm just exhausted.

[atisketatasket]

Originally Posted by ~Isola~

I'm writing a longer response to the other things, but this confuses me a little. Is it because she has a "real job" or just because she makes a lot more money than I do?

The problem here is that I get no time off. I may not be making a lot of money at this point, but I'm building a business, and to get things going in a reasonable time frame, the hours can be grueling. I am certainly aware of and grateful for the privilege of being able to do this, as in opposed to being forced to take just any job in order to be able to eat. But, I often spend ~16 hours a day working on my stuff or the home, and that is too much. She has a 8 hour working day and that's it. I have been trying to manage, because it felt fair. but now I'm not sure anymore. I'm just exhausted.

I'm not criticizing you. I'm saying, it's extremely stressful to be the breadwinner as well as the homemaker/business-starter. You have responsibility for someone else's economic welfare just for starters. What happens if the breadwinner loses their job? To income, to benefits? And it is very easy, when the other spouse doesn't have a job, even if they manage the household and are trying to start their own business, to think they don't have to deal with deadlines, or a boss, or colleagues, or the stress of a workplace. Very few people have jobs that are just eight hours a day, psychologically. These are standard issues in marriage counseling when one partner is SAH/non-traditionally employed and the other works.

If she feels this way, I'm not saying she's "right," but it is likely she does feel something like this, whether or not she admits this. There's two very distinct people in every relationship, however well they seem melded, with very different feelings about the same issues.

[~Isola~]

I believe you, and I know the job doesn't end when she comes home. I am not unaware of the workplace challenges. I try to be supportive and encourage her to take time off and take care of her needs the best I can. I can't help but feel a little defensive here. I have a job. I'm self-employed, not a homemaker. I'm not saying she doesn't deserve her time on the couch. What I was saying, though, was that I am at the end of my strength. I don't have any more to give. And yet it feels like I have to discuss my spouse probably feeling resentful of me. I'm at a point where I'm dangerously close to not being able to function at all. I've been there before.

I'm sorry if that sounds angry. I really have been all over the place. And I'm just so tired.

[atisketatasket]

Originally Posted by ~Isola~

I believe you, and I know the job doesn't end when she comes home. I am not unaware of the workplace challenges. I try to be supportive and encourage her to take time off and take care of her needs the best I can. I can't help but feel a little defensive here. I have a job. I'm self-employed, not a homemaker. I'm not saying she doesn't deserve her time on the couch. What I was saying, though, was that I am at the end of my strength. I don't have any more to give. And yet it feels like I have to discuss my spouse probably feeling resentful of me. I'm at a point where I'm dangerously close to not being able to function at all. I've been there before.

I'm sorry if that sounds angry. I really have been all over the place. And I'm just so tired.

I am honestly not criticizing you, and I believe in what bad shape you're in, because I think I've been somewhere similar, and I am quite happy not to discuss this - I only answered your question. I have no wish to make you discuss anything.

But, I hope you can have a discussion with someone, be it spouse or therapist or someone else, about what you're going through just now.

[~Isola~]

Hmm, you know what? I felt so defensive and just wanted to scream for someone to LOOK AT ALL THE DAMN PAIN I'M IN last night, but what you said was actually something I needed to hear. When I'm overwhelmed and in emotional pain, I tend to isolate (Isola, heh heh) and become extremely self-absorbed and defensive. Fight or flight, sort of. I think I was already on my way to a better place, because I was able to even start this thread. I have been on this crazy train for months now, and it has been making me withdraw from my spouse and my friends. And sometimes it's so easy to see what everyone else is doing wrong and completely fail to see my own shortcomings.

What I think has happened is that I was spinning my wheels about actual therapy stuff so hard and relentlessly, pushing myself deeper and deeper, ignoring all warning signs AND T, MC and my wife all saying I'm pushing myself too hard, that the traumatic memories popping up were too much too quickly. And that made me shift my focus on T instead. I had grown very attached to her early on in the therapy, so the shift wasn't that obvious to me. And she IS a gorgeous woman who shares many of my core values, is an appealing (to me) combination of stern and playful....all that stuff. What's not to like? I do. But the point is, I am in a committed and, for the most part, very happy marriage to someone I love and respect and want to continue building a life with. And I know perfectly well what the therapeutic relationship's nature should be and shouldn't be. But sometimes, when I'm deep enough in the land of confusion and pain and fantasy and what ifs and all that, all the things I know can start to feel awfully theoretical. So, for a moment there I really was lost and couldn't tell up from down. I was feverishly overthinking all the things T had said, and how they might have been interpreted a certain way. Oh man.

I talked with my wife yesterday, after another meltdown and argument, about our situation. And suddenly it was easier to see that I haven't exactly been great either. I have been left with a lot, yes, but I have failed to take care of myself in the ways only I can, regular food and medication and sleep and such, leaving myself a mess that is emotionally draining for her to deal with. Also, I talked with one of my closest friends on Friday, Saturday and Sunday, after a period of little communication. We shared back and forth. And then, yesterday, her father died. :/ It was not exactly unexpected, but it did come sooner than anyone thought it would. And trying to help her, hearing her grief...that put things in some perspective.

This morning I woke up and stuff felt different. It's like I emerged from a tunnel and can see my way again. And the MC session today was really good. Fingers crossed.