[BlueJeans00]

Im in my 20's and became unemployed from there I went down hill and found myself at thearpy.
I use to work with my mum and I believe that caused a lot of emotional damaged.

So my therapist who is a psychotherapist.
Told me time and time again I have to at some point, let go of the fantasy of a mum I wish to have.
I understand that me wishing to have a kind,caring mum would be wonderful,but doing that I show my vulnerability to my mum. Because I show my vulnerability she attacks me.
My mum can be very confusing. She be nice and so you thinking oh I can be myself and everything is ok, then just before you know it! She lash out on to you.
She is like a hedgehog.

Anyway I would like to know how do I let go of this "fantasy" of a mum I wish to have.
My therapist told me I need to have a funeral for it. Metaphorically speaking. That I need to mourn.
But all I feel is anger! And sense Im terid of her behaviour.

Can you make an effigy of your mother and burn that with a little service that put your anger into?

[BlueJeans00]

Originally Posted by BlessedCheeseMaker

Can you make an effigy of your mother and burn that with a little service that put your anger into?

If you don't mind me asking what does the word effigy mean?

[sin333]

Originally Posted by BlueJeans00

Im in my 20's and became unemployed from there I went down hill and found myself at thearpy.
I use to work with my mum and I believe that caused a lot of emotional damaged.

So my therapist who is a psychotherapist.
Told me time and time again I have to at some point, let go of the fantasy of a mum I wish to have.
I understand that me wishing to have a kind,caring mum would be wonderful,but doing that I show my vulnerability to my mum. Because I show my vulnerability she attacks me.
My mum can be very confusing. She be nice and so you thinking oh I can be myself and everything is ok, then just before you know it! She lash out on to you.
She is like a hedgehog.

Anyway I would like to know how do I let go of this "fantasy" of a mum I wish to have.
My therapist told me I need to have a funeral for it. Metaphorically speaking. That I need to mourn.
But all I feel is anger! And sense Im terid of her behaviour.

I completely understand how it feels to wish your mom was a "mom"!!
I have always wanted to have a mother-daughter bond with my mom. To this day at age 31 we don't have the relationship I have always craved. I've never heard of having a "funeral" for the mom you have, but I think that would be a sort of way of letting go. Although I honestly think the mother-daughter relationship is one of the most complex of relationships. I thought having a daughter myself, I would inturn understand my mother more. But in reality the older my girl got, the more disgust I felt for my mom. Now my daughter is 12, I have a almost non-existent relationship with my mom and like she did with me when I was little, she uses my daughter as a tool to get to me. Without my input, my daughter is slowly seeing her nan for the person she truly is. Which is a jealous, hateful person who only cares about herself. I feel sorry for mom's who can't be mom's because they don't "feel" like we do. I also think mom's who cant be empathetic make us children more empathetic. From reading your thread you sound like a really nice person who had an unfair start in life and you worry about worrying. In some instances I would suggest cutting the mother out altogether but I did this last year for a year but guilt eat away at me. But don't beat yourself up about "her". She isn't worth it. Please take care of yourselfx

[mccarrolmike]

Originally Posted by BlueJeans00

Im in my 20's and became unemployed from there I went down hill and found myself at thearpy.
I use to work with my mum and I believe that caused a lot of emotional damaged.

So my therapist who is a psychotherapist.
Told me time and time again I have to at some point, let go of the fantasy of a mum I wish to have.
I understand that me wishing to have a kind,caring mum would be wonderful,but doing that I show my vulnerability to my mum. Because I show my vulnerability she attacks me.
My mum can be very confusing. She be nice and so you thinking oh I can be myself and everything is ok, then just before you know it! She lash out on to you.
She is like a hedgehog.

Anyway I would like to know how do I let go of this "fantasy" of a mum I wish to have.
My therapist told me I need to have a funeral for it. Metaphorically speaking. That I need to mourn.
But all I feel is anger! And sense Im terid of her behaviour.

Omg, I have the same issues with my narcissistic mother, whom never raised me.
My T told me that I should get her out of my mind and life.
I can't because I also am very angry with her for not freaking at least, say thank you to my grandma for raising me. She also firmly believes that she hasn't done anything to me.
Yet she emotionally has.
Once she told me, that she wished that I was never born.
Randomly informed me how to commit suicide peacefully.
And the hurtful list continues...

But thanks to my grandma, she never spoke bad about her when I was a child, because she didn't want to ruin my childhood.

Now, it's my turn. I'm taking care of my loving grandmother.
Because she deserves it.
But it hurts me to see so much pain in my grandmas eyes as she ages. She's 73.

[BlueJeans00]

Originally Posted by mccarrolmike

Omg, I have the same issues with my narcissistic mother, whom never raised me.
My T told me that I should get her out of my mind and life.
I can't because I also am very angry with her for not freaking at least, say thank you to my grandma for raising me. She also firmly believes that she hasn't done anything to me.
Yet she emotionally has.
Once she told me, that she wished that I was never born.
Randomly informed me how to commit suicide peacefully.
And the hurtful list continues...

But thanks to my grandma, she never spoke bad about her when I was a child, because she didn't want to ruin my childhood.

Now, it's my turn. I'm taking care of my loving grandmother.
Because I she deserves it.
But it hurts me to see so much pain in my grandmas eyes as she ages. She's 73.

Im really sorry to hear that.
That sounds terrible. Your own mother telling you "I wish you were never born" and how to commit suicide. I can't imagine how hurtful that must be.

My T did told me this, that Im treated as the escape goat.
I copy and paste this from a website that explains it really well.

Why would a family choose a loved one to bully and scapegoat? The answer has a lot to do with the concept of scapegoating and the purpose it serves. Scapegoating is often a way for families to hide problems that they cannot face. In the examples of cases I have worked with one or both parents were abusive to their children. In adulthood, scapegoating became a way for adult children to hide the fact of family history of abuse by blaming everything on one member who seemed vulnerable for attack. At times the scapegoat targeted by the sibling who was always the favorite of the family. In that way, the less favored sibling becomes the repository of everything that is wrong in the family.

A parent with Borderline Personality or Narcissistic Personality Disorder can vent their own frustrations, aggression and hatred against one child by uniting the others who are made to think that this one sibling is guilty of everything. In this scenario, the parent goads the other children to pick on the one. None of this stops in adulthood. Of course, the child whose personality is most like the personality disordered patient is targeted because that parent sees in the child everything they hate about themselves. Here, too, this pattern continues into adulthood.The question that scapegoats face is what they can do to deal with the problem? While one would might think this should not be a problem for an adult, the fact is that these people become depressed, anxious, withdrawn and even, in the worst cases, suicidal. There is no way to underestimate the fears, self hatred and desperation these people come to fee. It is common for them to believe what the family tells them so that they accept all of the blame and finger pointing at them despite the fact that it’s untrue.

Commonly used strategies used by the scapegoat usually end in failure and even worse. I have seen situations where the scapegoat argues pleads their innocence before the family only to find themselves further blamed and persecuted. The sad fact is that rational and reasonable discussion is impossible. So, what is a person to do?
Over the years I have recommended family therapy for this situation. Given the nature of the family dynamics involved, none of the families have been willing to attend, not even for the sake of their loved one. The only other alternative that I have suggested and has been used in a few desperate cases, is to walk away from the family of origin by severing all ties.

This is not a decision that is easily made, especially when mothers and fathers are involved. However, given the fact that these very same parents constantly express cruelty to their adult child with unfortunate emotional consequences there is nothing else to do. It’s important to remember that the reason for severing all ties is preservation of one’s emotional health. It’s also important to remember that these scapegoated family members often have their own families that are warm, loving and successful.

The bottom line is that making someone the scapegoat is abuse, whether that person is a child or adult.

Originally Posted by BlueJeans00

If you don't mind me asking what does the word effigy mean?

Make doll represent your mother maybe paste a photo of your mothers face on its head, dress it up in clothes similar to what your mother wears

[mccarrolmike]

Originally Posted by BlueJeans00

Im really sorry to hear that.
That sounds terrible. Your own mother telling you "I wish you were never born" and how to commit suicide. I can't imagine how hurtful that must be.

My T did told me this, that Im treated as the escape goat.
I copy and paste this from a website that explains it really well.

Why would a family choose a loved one to bully and scapegoat? The answer has a lot to do with the concept of scapegoating and the purpose it serves. Scapegoating is often a way for families to hide problems that they cannot face. In the examples of cases I have worked with one or both parents were abusive to their children. In adulthood, scapegoating became a way for adult children to hide the fact of family history of abuse by blaming everything on one member who seemed vulnerable for attack. At times the scapegoat targeted by the sibling who was always the favorite of the family. In that way, the less favored sibling becomes the repository of everything that is wrong in the family.

A parent with Borderline Personality or Narcissistic Personality Disorder can vent their own frustrations, aggression and hatred against one child by uniting the others who are made to think that this one sibling is guilty of everything. In this scenario, the parent goads the other children to pick on the one. None of this stops in adulthood. Of course, the child whose personality is most like the personality disordered patient is targeted because that parent sees in the child everything they hate about themselves. Here, too, this pattern continues into adulthood.The question that scapegoats face is what they can do to deal with the problem? While one would might think this should not be a problem for an adult, the fact is that these people become depressed, anxious, withdrawn and even, in the worst cases, suicidal. There is no way to underestimate the fears, self hatred and desperation these people come to fee. It is common for them to believe what the family tells them so that they accept all of the blame and finger pointing at them despite the fact that it’s untrue.

Commonly used strategies used by the scapegoat usually end in failure and even worse. I have seen situations where the scapegoat argues pleads their innocence before the family only to find themselves further blamed and persecuted. The sad fact is that rational and reasonable discussion is impossible. So, what is a person to do?
Over the years I have recommended family therapy for this situation. Given the nature of the family dynamics involved, none of the families have been willing to attend, not even for the sake of their loved one. The only other alternative that I have suggested and has been used in a few desperate cases, is to walk away from the family of origin by severing all ties.

This is not a decision that is easily made, especially when mothers and fathers are involved. However, given the fact that these very same parents constantly express cruelty to their adult child with unfortunate emotional consequences there is nothing else to do. It’s important to remember that the reason for severing all ties is preservation of one’s emotional health. It’s also important to remember that these scapegoated family members often have their own families that are warm, loving and successful.

The bottom line is that making someone the scapegoat is abuse, whether that person is a child or adult.

Thank you very much
I'll be ok
Thanks sweetheart

[Out There]

Maybe you could write a letter of all the things you feel and want to say and then burn it. Mothers like this are painful ( I had one - she's passed on now ) But there's no easy resolution to this , you do anything that makes you feel better.

[mccarrolmike]

Originally Posted by Out There

Maybe you could write a letter of all the things you feel and want to say and then burn it. Mothers like this are painful ( I had one - she's passed on now ) But there's no easy resolution to this , you do anything that makes you feel better.

Thank you.