[subtle lights]

I am in a very bad state right now.
Will try to formulate this in a way that would make sense.

To start, I have to say that it would be very hard for me now to find another therapist here. But I feel I can't take this anymore, how I feel in and after the sessions.

I can't open up, I feel ashamed to say stuff, I feel he doesn't understand me, he is always asking questions that seem irrelevant or unrelated with my issues. He is having zero intuition, related to what's going on.
I was thinking that maybe he wants me to talk, to open up, that's why he doesn't show that he gets it. It would maybe be a way for me to learn to express everything clearly. I told him that I feel like we are talking in parallel universes. He said, it's normal, as we are two different people. Probably he is suggesting that I shouldn't want him to guess. But I do want him to guess on some level, not guess but to try to connect, to use his freaking intuition.
I don't know.

And I'm really down, barely was able to speak, told him again that I've been SH a lot lately, that I didn't want to go home yesterday because I was afraid of hurting myself, that I don't want to do anything just freaking sleep forever. That I have no idea if I'll come next week.
And nothing. Just some echoes of my words..

Seriously, I need help (I told him I am unable to ask for help). But no reaction, no concern, just letting me be with the freaking emotion.

While I understand that "sitting with the emotion" is a helpful practice, it is not enough for me now.
Is there something wrong with me that I want more??? I'm still trying to find ways how this would be helpful. Just keep thinking that is a process...but it becomes more and more painful, I'm having SUI thoughts a lot, just from his lack of reaction.

Keep thinking it's me...he says it's okay to feel whatever, to feel disappointed, sure, but is it okay to leave completely devastated every time?
Is something wrong with me that I want emotional support and him to be concerned for me hurting myself?

I feel I'm losing my mind...whatever is left of it

[doogie]

I don't have much input on your situation, but I am feeling your frustration and hurt. What orientation is your T, do you know? Some Ts are more 'hands off' (for lack of a better term) while others are more interactive. I don't know if you have a bad fit with your T or if it's just your T's style - or both. Can you share with him what you have written here - or maybe an edited version? I'm sorry that you are struggling like this.

[subtle lights]

Originally Posted by doogie

I don't have much input on your situation, but I am feeling your frustration and hurt. What orientation is your T, do you know? Some Ts are more 'hands off' (for lack of a better term) while others are more interactive. I don't know if you have a bad fit with your T or if it's just your T's style - or both. Can you share with him what you have written here - or maybe an edited version? I'm sorry that you are struggling like this.

Thank you. I could try to write him an email, but I've tried before, and the results were not really satisfying. His orientation would be Gestalt therapy. It wasn't the reason why I've chosen him, I really didn't have a lot to choose from.

[mogwaifn]

Originally Posted by doogie

I don't have much input on your situation, but I am feeling your frustration and hurt. What orientation is your T, do you know? Some Ts are more 'hands off' (for lack of a better term) while others are more interactive. I don't know if you have a bad fit with your T or if it's just your T's style - or both. Can you share with him what you have written here - or maybe an edited version? I'm sorry that you are struggling like this.

I second this - the T could also be very inexperienced as he sounds almost like a volunteer for a helpline.

With my last T he was very 'hands off' BUT that was because we agreed after a few sessions to do that to polish up my general problem solving skills. Also any time I had a crisis which couldn't wait, he dropped that act and we would deal with that specific situation. A lot of it appeared to come from extensive experience with the Priory and there are tons of Ts that know that once self harm comes in you have to pull the stops out to stop something from happening.

OP - I'd definitely bring it up with him and if the response is something like 'how does that make you feel' or more blassé non-reaction, find someone else.

[subtle lights]

He's actually got lots of experience and good reviews. It's just his style I think. But I don't get it how can a T be like this - not showing concern about SH for example. This is actually triggering me to continue...Maybe he thinks it helps if he is ignoring it? I don't know. I feel that he considers it unimportant, or not more important than any other small detail. I basically feel that nothing is important. So I don't feel like opening up more...and then there we have the vicious circle of lack of trust, vague communication and missing the point.

If they are reactive, you don't get to know yourself and don't process emotions fully.

example-if you seek reassurance all the time, how would you ever change needing constant reassurance (and dealing with the fears) if a therapist continually reassures you (reacts)?

So yes, I think (guessing only) he might think it helps to not react. Not saying it is right or wrong, just thinking of reasons why. By his not reacting, you are forced to deal with the emotions as he isnt containing or absorbing them for you. You are stuck with them and have to face them. And they can be intolerable, which is why we develop strategies for dealing with them in the first place.

Sorry it is hard. Therapy might be alot less difficult if he was comforting.

[Moment]

I'm really sorry this is so hard.
Could you ask him, "it seems to me like you just don't care if I self harm and that leaves me feeling pretty desolate. Why do you act this way? Do you really not care?"
Have you tried asking him?
Maybe he cares a lot but for some reason feels he must contain his own feelings.
Once I thought my therapist was acting in a way that meant he wanted me to stop coming. I felt really, really unhappy. So I asked him: "I felt you were basically saying you wanted us to stop doing therapy together. Is that what you were saying?" It turned out that I had been completely misunderstanding him. And what he wanted was for us to continue but, as he admitted, he hadn't *said* that explicitly.
Maybe if you ask your therapist about how he feels he will tell you.

[subtle lights]

Originally Posted by Moment

I'm really sorry this is so hard.
Could you ask him, "it seems to me like you just don't care if I self harm and that leaves me feeling pretty desolate. Why do you act this way? Do you really not care?"
Have you tried asking him?
Maybe he cares a lot but for some reason feels he must contain his own feelings.

I asked him before, not specifically about SH but I told him that I feel he doesn't care, in general. He told me he does care. But one thing is telling this once in a cold way and one thing actually acting like you care.
I don't know if therapists should just ignore SH.

[subtle lights]

Originally Posted by AzureCoast

If they are reactive, you don't get to know yourself and don't process emotions fully.

example-if you seek reassurance all the time, how would you ever change needing constant reassurance (and dealing with the fears) if a therapist continually reassures you (reacts)?

So yes, I think (guessing only) he might think it helps to not react. Not saying it is right or wrong, just thinking of reasons why. By his not reacting, you are forced to deal with the emotions as he isnt containing or absorbing them for you. You are stuck with them and have to face them. And they can be intolerable, which is why we develop strategies for dealing with them in the first place.

Sorry it is hard. Therapy might be alot less difficult if he was comforting.

I understand where you're coming from, but this approach just leaves me feeling suicidal, I feel like I'm constantly reliving some unbearable pain, like being abandoned and ignored over and over again. Needing something I am not getting. I don't think this is helpful. I don't want to end up suicidal because of therapy, I don't think this is how it should be....
Also it would be nice if at least we would actually talk in depth about issues but we only remain on the surface and he is constantly misunderstanding me and missing the point.

[Moment]

What would it mean for him to act like he cares?
I mean, what would he have to do? This is a sincere question. Hug you? Cry? Refuse to see if you continued to self-harm?
I mean, if he says he cares he likely really does. I wish you could feel that.

[kecanoe]

I'd bail on the T if there were any other options. Why pay for something that you don't want?

[subtle lights]

Originally Posted by Moment

What would it mean for him to act like he cares?
I mean, what would he have to do? This is a sincere question. Hug you? Cry? Refuse to see if you continued to self-harm?
I mean, if he says he cares he likely really does. I wish you could feel that.

I think I would like to feel intuitiely that he cares. But of course this is notexact science. I feel coldness and distance.
The other thing what I'd maybe expect would be to take my SH issues seriously. I do not know how therapists should react to that but he is almost not reacting to it at all. I mention that I do it a lot, having issues with it, but there is no reaction. No follow up questions. I could tell him I'm thinking of sui, the same thing. I feel either he doesn't believe me or he thinks it's unimportant.
I don't know. I don't know what is a usual reaction.
I would need him to actually ask questions, to show some curiosity, some involvement.
I don't want him to hug me or cry. But maybe I deserve more support. Maybe, idk.

[subtle lights]

Originally Posted by kecanoe

I'd bail on the T if there were any other options. Why pay for something that you don't want?

Because I get attached to people. But right now I need to do something about this.
Also not many other options...

I don't know much about gestalt, but I really think it's his style (or combo of personality traits and working style). You seem pretty open with him, can you tell him how his lack of reaction makes you feel?

Did you have a history of childhood neglect? This way of relating can bring feelings from the past into the present, to the degree that they are indistinguishable.

What you describe sounds like feelings of helplessness. I don't think it's good to experience these feelings in therapy on a frequent basis. I hope things get better for you.

[Sarmas]

Originally Posted by subtle lights

I am in a very bad state right now.
Will try to formulate this in a way that would make sense.

To start, I have to say that it would be very hard for me now to find another therapist here. But I feel I can't take this anymore, how I feel in and after the sessions.

I can't open up, I feel ashamed to say stuff, I feel he doesn't understand me, he is always asking questions that seem irrelevant or unrelated with my issues. He is having zero intuition, related to what's going on.
I was thinking that maybe he wants me to talk, to open up, that's why he doesn't show that he gets it. It would maybe be a way for me to learn to express everything clearly. I told him that I feel like we are talking in parallel universes. He said, it's normal, as we are two different people. Probably he is suggesting that I shouldn't want him to guess. But I do want him to guess on some level, not guess but to try to connect, to use his freaking intuition.
I don't know.

And I'm really down, barely was able to speak, told him again that I've been SH a lot lately, that I didn't want to go home yesterday because I was afraid of hurting myself, that I don't want to do anything just freaking sleep forever. That I have no idea if I'll come next week.
And nothing. Just some echoes of my words..

Seriously, I need help (I told him I am unable to ask for help). But no reaction, no concern, just letting me be with the freaking emotion.

While I understand that "sitting with the emotion" is a helpful practice, it is not enough for me now.
Is there something wrong with me that I want more??? I'm still trying to find ways how this would be helpful. Just keep thinking that is a process...but it becomes more and more painful, I'm having SUI thoughts a lot, just from his lack of reaction.

Keep thinking it's me...he says it's okay to feel whatever, to feel disappointed, sure, but is it okay to leave completely devastated every time?
Is something wrong with me that I want emotional support and him to be concerned for me hurting myself?

I feel I'm losing my mind...whatever is left of it

There are a few Ts that use that style. It doesn't work for me either. I would definitley reach out and tell him exactly what you said here. Then see what the response is. Let him know that the sitting with something doesn't work for you. Perhaps he will try a different approach and if not then maybe it's time to look for someone else that practices differently.

[Amyjay]

You can change therapists. It doesn't sound like you "click" with each other. My therapist would be horrified if i told her that our sessions were making me feel suicidal and she would not be okay with that, she would actively change things to find a way that didn't trigger that for me. A different therapist would give you a completely different experience of therapy.