[justbreathe1994]

Hi all, I just posted a few days ago, but was wondering if any of you had any input about the pros of having solid/healthy boundaries, specifically within the therapeutic relationship. I remember reading a thread on here recently touching on this, but can't remember where I saw it so I hope it's okay to start a new one! Ive mentioned in some of my other posts that I'm going through a lot of painful attachment stuff lately and the word "boundary" just brings up a lot of intense sadness for me. The boundaries in the therapeutic relationship feel so cruel, because I don't know how to fit my intense feelings of love inside them. I don't know if I'm the only one who feels this way, but since the subject of "boundaries" can be so painful, I was wondering if people have any insight of what makes boundaries feel good and safe? I hope I'm making sense - I just thought it would be helpful to remember why having boundaries is helpful and feels better in the long run.

I've always been very comfortable with boundaries because I grew up in a home where we had healthy, flexible, and respectful boundaries.

I don't think of boundaries in terms of what someone else is telling me I am not allowed to do. I think of my own boundaries as how I keep my own healthy, personal space -- what I expect from others and how I communicate that in a way that doesn't come off as orders, but rather as my personal preferences. I know my own boundaries are not solid brick walls; they are more like fences with gates in them that I can open and close as I need to for my own sense of personal safety.

If I can understand my own need for safe personal boundaries, it helps me understand how those around me also have that same need. My part in any relationship is to try to be cognizant of where that other person's sense of safety is (and it can move). I would want them to respect my sense of safety and personal space, so I can return that favor. It's a give and take.

In therapy, it really isn't all that different -- at least I never found it to be. I had certain boundaries that my good therapists clued in on. It wasn't that we ever had overt discussions about my boundaries; it was more that they learned my boundaries as they learned me. For instance, my therapist, knowing my history of CSA, understood that it was simply respectful of my personal sense of safety (my boundaries) to ask me if it was okay to touch me or perhaps sit next to me (didn't happen often, but he always respected that boundary). He also knew I had boundaries about certain topics or even therapy techniques that stemmed from my history; he learned these through our work together and was respectful of them.

I understood my therapist had reasonable professional boundaries. He limited contact to the phone between sessions. That was his prerogative and I had no problem with that because, in return, he was very consistent about returning phone calls in a timely manner and giving me his full attention when he called. I knew one boundary was that he wasn't going to accept verbal abuse from a client (I wasn't one to ever do that, but it was a boundary that I picked up on from knowing his personality and I respected that in him; it modeled for me that ability to not allow others to treat me disrespectfully, so it was a healthy boundary for both him and me.)

So, I guess what I am saying is that I think of boundaries as self-advocacy for personal space and personal safety. If I can think of them as a positive personal value in my life, I can also reciprocally respect other people's boundaries. If I understand my own boundaries sometimes change depending on how I am feeling because perhaps in that moment I need to close that gate a bit for my own internal sense of space or safety, I can begin to understand that other people sometimes have to tighten up their own boundaries, usually temporarily, and that when they do so, it is about them needing to take care of themselves; it isn't about them shutting me out. If I let them have that space and not panic about it, what almost always happens is that when they are ready, they open up that gate again when they feel able. This has been an important concept I have had to repeatedly remember as a parent and as a teacher. My own children or students have those times when they close that gate because of their own needs. It isn't about me; it is about them needing their time and space for a while. They always open up again if I simply respect their boundary change; in fact, they open up again BECAUSE I respect their boundary change.

[toomanycats]

I never struggled much with boundaries in therapeutic relationships until my last therapist, who I saw for 3 years 2-3x per week. With him, the idea of boundaries felt awful -- he meant so much to me, and I wanted to mean as much to him...and KNOW it. We had terrible boundaries. Terrible. And, through experiencing what it was like to have unhealthy boundaries with my therapist, I gained a new respect and DESIRE for healthy boundaries.

I will come back tomorrow and explain more; unfortunately, I have already taken my sleep medication. So, my head is not clear enough -- but I have a lot to add in the morning.

[zoiecat]

Personally yes I would love to email my therapist every day about the issues that come up just because it's hard to wait and I want that attention back from them. So I totally understand how people have that want and need
On the other hand I can see where a therapist allowing their clients to do this or actually being a disservice to them by allowing clients to email you you're not giving that client the opportunity to work through their own problems after all that's what we're there for right we are there to improve ourselves and really in the end only we can do that. Let's face it none of us are children even though we are dealing with children inside outwardly to the world we are adults and we need to be able to handle ourselves in an adult world. By not being able to email my therapist between sessions I learn coping mechanisms. Sometimes I journal about it sometimes I start making a list of what I'm going to talk about at the next session, sometimes that list is too difficult for me to say out loud so I will write it down usually type it out so that he can read it legibly and make him read it. Either way I have an agenda of what's going to be discussed at the next session. I learned patience, I learned coping skills and my therapist learns what's really really important to me at the next session. I find that this changes as as the week goes on so what could be immediately important to me at the time that I would like to email them about by the time the next session comes along I work through it on my own and it really isn't all that important anymore. So I guess what I'm saying is the healthy boundaries set by my therapist are actually helping me in the long run even though it is painful and it forces me to sit with my own feelings, it is very helpful and therapeutic. I have also read where therapist do this to force people with attachment issues to find healthy attachments outside of therapy it is not good to have the therapist be the only one that we attach to by only allowing contact in session if forces those that really need it to seek outside help whether that be through friends or relations with significant others. I know my friends have been very very helpful to me in between session times I really don't have a lot of friends outside of work but it is forced me to nurture those relationships because I need the outside support. Again if I could just email my therapist my thoughts whenever I wanted to this would not be necessary but his healthy boundaries are forcing me to do what is best for me to survive long-term in the real world. Some may call it tough love but in the end I think it is really very helpful for the client.

[toomanycats]

Hi, I'm back.

So, my ex-therapist and I had awful boundaries. I had full access to him 24/7, basically. I could email, text, call. Over time, I found myself in basically constant contact with him. The problem with this is that HE became my method for coping with everything. If I was upset, I texted. If I was scared, I emailed. If I was falling apart, I'd ask him to call. We had 2-3 sessions per week...90-minute sessions. For 3 years. He really became my everything. I felt like I could handle anything as long as I had him.

But, the problem is, he is another person. He is separate from me. And, I cannot really have him all the time. And, life, being life, brings up changes. Very suddenly, he was approached about a new job and told me he'd be moving across the country. Then...he was diagnosed with cancer. Which wholly changed him as a person. This other person who had basically become, for me, like a part of myself...was suddenly torn away. By life. Circumstance.

We are still trying to maintain a friendship, but it is SO painful. It is all SO painful. Because of the lack of boundaries, I became enmeshed with this person. His pain becomes my pain. My identity is tied to him. It is very unhealthy, and it all happened simply because I was given total access....and promises that he would never leave me, etc. All the things you think you want......except, even if you get those things, it doesn't actually fix the pain. It doesn't actually fill the void left by not getting what you should've gotten when you should've gotten it (childhood) from the people who should've given it (parents).

It is excruciating -- this enmeshment. The rest of my life is so good... the only thing that is not good in my life right now is what is happening with my ex-therapist. And he was such a big part of my life, of my SELF, that his pain AND my losing what we had (he can no longer "take care of" me) completely dominates my life. It prevents me enjoying MY life.

I am now in therapy with a different therapist with very solid boundaries, and it is such a relief -- a huge huge difference. I do not have to worry about my new therapist. I don't have to struggle with the "is it OK to email/text? I want to, but I'll hate myself if I do... I know I shouldn't, but he says I can, what do I do..." that inner battle isn't there, because it isn't an option. And, because I'm not in constant contact, I do not feel GUILTY for focusing 100% on me in our sessions.

I know now that the boundaries are there for MY PROTECTION. My good. Because of those boundaries, I regularly experience that I can endure and get through things WITHOUT my therapist being RIGHT THERE. And, that means that I am less terrified of him not being right there.

If I could go back in time, I would run far far away from my last therapist. It's hard to say that, because I love him so desperately -- he is like a part of me. But, my experiences with him...and with "therapy" with him...have led to my life being MORE painful and complicated than it was before I started with him. And, now, I'm paying for therapy to untangle the mess made by my failed therapy with him.

So - benefits of boundaries?
1. It takes away the inner "game" of "if I email/call/text, will T care less? Is it weak? Wrong? Is xyz a good enough reason?" -- that clears up so much mental space...

2. It means that you regularly experience that you CAN endure and get through things without your therapist being RIGHT THERE, which means you are less afraid of your therapist not being right there all the time.

3. There's no guilt over how much time or energy you take -- you pay for x amount of time, you focus on yourself that entire time - it is an equal exchange of energy/finances/etc. It lessens the "I don't deserve what you're giving me" feeling. You feel less indebted to your therapist.

4. THEIR stuff doesn't become YOUR problem. You are specifically paying for them to keep their stuff out of the therapy room. Blurred boundaries mean that their stuff inevitably creeps over and becomes part of the stuff you have to bear, sort through, etc.

5. It keeps enmeshment from happening. It keeps codependency from happening. It keeps YOU distinct from your therapist.

[AllHeart]

Ditto!!

[stopdog]

I think it depends on the client and therapist. Both of the ones I see became overly enthusiastic if I contacted them and both encouraged it. Of course I'm one of the ones who never wanted them to respond if I wrote them and rarely called because god knows I don't actually want talk to them. I usually wanted to get something away from me -not interact with them. The first one complained of my boundaries being stronger and more clearly defined than hers which of course is true and I saw no reason why that was a bad thing. In my opinion, boundaries are our friend

[ScarletPimpernel]

Whenever I have a problem with boundaries, my T always tells me "You don't have to carry my burdens. I can handle them. I'm here for you." That always makes me feel better.

[BudFox]

For me, boundaries was an area where things got really weird. What could be more humiliating and infantilizing than having some stranger dictate how many times per week you may email them, or whether the session can or cannot go 5 minutes over, as if you are a child or half-wit. And then telling you that you are to learn life lessons from this. OMG.

It was arbitrary, varying from one therapist to the next, based mostly on their needs and whims. I was to abide by whatever a particular therapist laid down, even if it contradicted what the last one did.

If having a therapist stare at you for an hour causes overpowering needs and impulses to be unearthed, and then you are served a list of draconian rules such as no contact between sessions, and you suffer from this, it is rationalized as a teaching moment, or as a purification along the lines of faith healing. That's dangerous.

If therapy aims to be in any way rational or scientific, they'd look at whether the need for "boundaries" is actually a side effect or artifact of the process itself. Instead they pin it on the client's "disorders" and forcibly restrain them.

Seems to me the necessity for boundaries is in proportion to how unnatural and contrived the relationship is. The more organic and healthy the relationship, the less the need for formal commandments.

YMMV.

[Partless]

I feel for you, I've had similar experiences, made me feel sad and lonely.

Personally I don't believe psychotherapy is the right place to learn about boundaries. Unless the person is in very abusive relationship, where hard boundaries makes them feel safe. Otherwise, it can make you feel sadly alone and rejected. It has to do with the nature of therapy, it's something artificial, a professional service, so it can not model natural dynamic give-and-take boundaries between people. It models more the one-sided kind of boundaries between people who are not equal in status. So going for therapy is always about balancing the positive and negatives. It's certainly artificial, but it can also be beneficial, depending on the person and the problems they have and the sort of therapy they're going for.

Originally Posted by BudFox

If therapy aims to be in any way rational or scientific, they'd look at whether the need for "boundaries" is actually a side effect or artifact of the process itself. Instead they pin it on the client's "disorders" and forcibly restrain them.

Yes. Or more generally, artefact of professionalization of healing.

[BudFox]

Originally Posted by Partless

It has to do with the nature of therapy, it's something artificial, a professional service, so it can not model natural dynamic give-and-take boundaries between people. It models more the one-sided kind of boundaries between people who are not equal in status.

Exactly. But much of what is said about this implies therapy DOES model boundaries that are real-world relevant, and that promote autonomy rather than submission.

In fact therapy is often sold as a sort of boundary school, with the therapist as exemplar (my take is that therapists actually transgress boundaries routinely, by breaking down emotional defenses for example, and so the client is getting mixed messages).

It's hard to say because everyone has different attachment and personality patterns and every dyad is different. If you are new to therapy, in time you'll likely learn about your own boundaries and needs and how others affect you. What's healthy for you might be unhealthy for others, and what's healthy for you with one therapist might be unhealthy with another T. I'm one to think therapy should be individualized--every relationship is unique.

Things unfolded naturally with more than one T and that works best for me, though not completely problem free. One overindulged me according to conventions, but it helped me and didn't cause me harm, and I helped kept things in check. I benefited and learned a great deal about relationships from that experience, but the same thing could have caused damage to another. There have some issues, but it was all part of negotiating healthy relationships, which includes conflict resolution. Outside of therapy, people don't usually pre-determine relational boundaries, so I think a client who has not had healthy relationships can benefit from letting these things evolve naturally so that you can apply that implicit knowledge in other relationships and learn about who you are. I am one of those clients...

I also might be leery of a T who insists on concrete boundaries upon starting therapy before getting to know me. I think Ts who have trouble keeping themselves in check are more likely to be those who insist on the same boundaries with everyone or concretely defining things. This is good to protect the client so Ts with certain personality traits don't become enmeshed with clients, such as those who need to be needed, rescue, etc., but it can also alert a seasoned client that potential issues exist. Some clients may be prone to enmeshment too, so in those cases, it might be better for a T to define things in the beginning. However, defining x, y, z, boundaries before knowing a client might be too restrictive and harmful for a client who experienced a good deal of childhood neglect.

The fact you are asking about them here might mean that it may take some time to discover what is healthy for you and what is not. Experiencing emotional pain doesn't necessarily equate to healthy boundaries; not experiencing emotional pain doesn't necessarily equate to unhealthy boundaries. Good questions to ask, but I personally wouldn't necessarily take others' opinions and apply them to myself because this is unique to the individual.

About things unfolding naturally-I just realized that I don't think my T has ever used the word 'boundary' (though other Ts in the past may have).

[feralkittymom]

I think a general guide would be that when a perceived boundary (it may really be there or a projection) results in discomfort, it's indicative of a past unmet need. Examining the need can be valuable.

[justbreathe1994]

Thank you all so much for your responses thus far; you all have so much insight and while I am trying not to base my experience and formulate my opinions solely off yours, reading the variety of comments really gets me thinking about my own personal beliefs about boundaries and my long-term goals for therapy and my life beyond. I have struggled with relationships all my life and have felt extreme isolation as a result of my disability. Feeling **** off from the world, in therapy, I have always become super attached to my therapists because I never know how to define myself in relationships. They became a lifeline. In the moment, it feels pretty much impossible to keep my values and remember loose boundaries will not serve me well in the long run. I have found (and my therapist, who actually pointed out) that clinging to her or certain aspects of the relationship that she cannot provide long term/continuously/logistically/etc calls for stronger boundaries. Then, when I learn to feel okay with or without those things and I learn to let them come and go, we can bring them back. It all feels cruel in the moment of course, which is why I asked for some perspective, but in the long run, I will have learned a lesson that I'll be able to carry with me throughout the rest of my life. I try to remind myself that my therapist cares enough that she cares about what happens to me even after she's not around or when she can't always be there.

Boundaries can be about caring, too. Much like parents who care about their children will set limits.

Then there are parents who are controlling or abusive with harsh boundaries, but maybe a topic for another thread.

It sounds like you already have some good insights yourself.

[Erebos]

Don't have a problem with boundaries, I wouldn't call and email my GP every time I got a headache or stubbed my toe, or got indigestion or just felt crud.
Why do I need to call my Pdoc everyone I have a bad day, a panic attack on the bus, I lose my temper over nothing.
I pay him for an hour a week of his time, and that's what I get. Seems like a normal services for money kind of relationship.
The only long term damage I have seen done to people particularly on here is due to T's with poor boundaries.

I see people who are unhappy with boundaries, not because of the boundaries themselves but because there is something fundamentally missing from their lives that they seek to replace with their T and they aren't yet at the stage where they are able to work through it.

Originally Posted by Erebos

Don't have a problem with boundaries, I wouldn't call and email my GP every time I got a headache or stubbed my toe, or got indigestion or just felt crud.
Why do I need to call my Pdoc everyone I have a bad day, a panic attack on the bus, I lose my temper over nothing.
I pay him for an hour a week of his time, and that's what I get. Seems like a normal services for money kind of relationship.
The only long term damage I have seen done to people particularly on here is due to T's with poor boundaries.

I see people who are unhappy with boundaries, not because of the boundaries themselves but because there is something fundamentally missing from their lives that they seek to replace with their T and they aren't yet at the stage where they are able to work through it.

If you stubbed your toe but couldn't manage it on your own because it got infected or you needed stitches, you might have to contact your GP like anyone else.

Boundaries used to be confusing for me because I didnt have any. I knew people were crossing mine but I felt helpless to stop them. Now I see them as a protection and a way of protecting me and other people. IN therapy its confusing because boundaries can be strict or loose depending on your t. I generally think they are more about the therapist rather than the client, I think that learning about boundaries is painful but also rewarding but it has to be done respectfully where two people meet in the middle and its not just a one way street.

[Elio]

Originally Posted by justbreathe1994

I have found (and my therapist, who actually pointed out) that clinging to her or certain aspects of the relationship that she cannot provide long term/continuously/logistically/etc calls for stronger boundaries. Then, when I learn to feel okay with or without those things and I learn to let them come and go, we can bring them back. It all feels cruel in the moment of course, which is why I asked for some perspective, but in the long run, I will have learned a lesson that I'll be able to carry with me throughout the rest of my life. I try to remind myself that my therapist cares enough that she cares about what happens to me even after she's not around or when she can't always be there.

This concept about the need to have stronger boundaries when clinging is happening has always confused me and seems backwards. Perhaps it comes down to a matter of the whys for the clinging or how the attachments are working for each of us and depends on if we fit a specific paradigm or not. For me, the minute a boundary gets tightened by another person, even if it is just my perceptions that the boundary has changed, I pull completely back and put up all kinds of boundaries for the person/myself. Those slight changes in boundaries are signals to me that I have become "too much", "I am bad"... and a host of all other kinds of negative self talk; including the concept that I can't really be me around this person. If I can't be me, the real me on the inside, around my therapist and be accepted for those needs/wants then who can I be real with? I (and speaking completely from my point of view here) need someone that is open to those clinging needs when they come up, able to sit with and accept them with curiosity, understand and respect that they are not about them (the T); and help me learn how to meet the needs and dissipate the fears around them without "punishment", rejection, or anything similar.

So - I guess that means for me, my T needs to have a good understanding going into the relationship with me what is and is not going to be their boundary with me. If something is not allowed from the beginning, then I can accept that it is a boundary based completely on the T's needs and not something that I have done - not based on my behavior or in response to my needs.

Originally Posted by Blanche_

If you stubbed your toe but couldn't manage it on your own because it got infected or you needed stitches, you might have to contact your GP like anyone else.

Then it isn't just a stubbed toe that I can deal with on my own and I would seek appropriate help. (LOL! I literally had this happen about two weeks ago. I stubbed the heck out of my toe and actually broke it. My toes turned purple and hurt like heck, but there was absolutely no reason to call my doctor or go to the ER because there really was nothing that could be done for it other than to wait for it to heal -- and it did given a reasonable amount of time.)

Saving that contact with a therapist for those times when I truly was in a crisis that I could not work through and manage on my own was important. It made me take the time to learn to work through those stressors on my own first, and more often than not, if I gave myself some time and utilized the skills my therapist had been working with me on, I didn't need to make that phone call.

My therapist and my pdoc always knew that if I got to the point of making that call between sessions, I had already done that and it wasn't working; thus, they had absolutely no problem with me calling them when I did. That was an expectation they had of me (a boundary I guess although it was never an issue). If I had started calling them between sessions and particularly after hours for issues that weren't that emergent, things I could have worked through on my own, things that just needed a bit of time, reasons like just wanting to hear their voice or get reassurance, they probably would have spoken to me again about what outside contact is designed for and what I should do in cases that don't meet that criteria.

[ruh roh]

The idea (posed upstream) of a therapist being like a parent setting boundaries is disturbing to me. I haven't had one that even used that term, boundaries, thankfully. If I saw one that thought I needed to be parented and taught some sort of lesson for my own good, I would stay home and save myself a lot of money.

[BayBrony]

Originally Posted by Elio

This concept about the need to have stronger boundaries when clinging is happening has always confused me and seems backwards. Perhaps it comes down to a matter of the whys for the clinging or how the attachments are working for each of us and depends on if we fit a specific paradigm or not. For me, the minute a boundary gets tightened by another person, even if it is just my perceptions that the boundary has changed, I pull completely back and put up all kinds of boundaries for the person/myself. Those slight changes in boundaries are signals to me that I have become "too much", "I am bad"... and a host of all other kinds of negative self talk; including the concept that I can't really be me around this person. If I can't be me, the real me on the inside, around my therapist and be accepted for those needs/wants then who can I be real with? I (and speaking completely from my point of view here) need someone that is open to those clinging needs when they come up, able to sit with and accept them with curiosity, understand and respect that they are not about them (the T); and help me learn how to meet the needs and dissipate the fears around them without "punishment", rejection, or anything similar.

So - I guess that means for me, my T needs to have a good understanding going into the relationship with me what is and is not going to be their boundary with me. If something is not allowed from the beginning, then I can accept that it is a boundary based completely on the T's needs and not something that I have done - not based on my behavior or in response to my needs.

This describes my experience nearly exactly....and for me the idea that I am bad quickly spirals into self harm and suicidal ideation.
.when my T HAS changed boundaries in a painful way it has never been specific to ME which is I think why i and the relationship have endured it.
For example for about a year she texted me every night around her bedtime. It was an incredible comfort to me as my childhood was chaotic. And tbere was no such thing as "bedtime" or anything like that.

She decided that she waa too distracted in the evenings and that she needed to turn her phone off after she got home. She said if she tried to make an exception for me she inevitably got sucked into other things and it was affecting her mental well being.

It was very painful to change that. But it was also CLEARLY about her and not me, something she emphasized over and over again she legitimized my need and said she liked the connection with me, but there were other ways for us to connect besides text so she needed to change things .

If I need or cling to something my T tries to give me MORE of it , because it means its something I need and my needs need to be validated so that i can learn to love myself And give myself good healing things.

For me it's been magical. I HAVE learned to speak gently to myself, show compassion, and trust the love in my regular life.

I suspect it depends on who you are and where your needs come from, what is best or safest.

Also i am glad my T never says the word "boundaries" as its sounds very authoritarian. She just says what she is willing to do in a given situation and why .

[ttrim]

Originally Posted by toomanycats

Hi, I'm back.

So, my ex-therapist and I had awful boundaries. I had full access to him 24/7, basically. I could email, text, call. Over time, I found myself in basically constant contact with him. The problem with this is that HE became my method for coping with everything. If I was upset, I texted. If I was scared, I emailed. If I was falling apart, I'd ask him to call. We had 2-3 sessions per week...90-minute sessions. For 3 years. He really became my everything. I felt like I could handle anything as long as I had him.

But, the problem is, he is another person. He is separate from me. And, I cannot really have him all the time. And, life, being life, brings up changes. Very suddenly, he was approached about a new job and told me he'd be moving across the country. Then...he was diagnosed with cancer. Which wholly changed him as a person. This other person who had basically become, for me, like a part of myself...was suddenly torn away. By life. Circumstance.

We are still trying to maintain a friendship, but it is SO painful. It is all SO painful. Because of the lack of boundaries, I became enmeshed with this person. His pain becomes my pain. My identity is tied to him. It is very unhealthy, and it all happened simply because I was given total access....and promises that he would never leave me, etc. All the things you think you want......except, even if you get those things, it doesn't actually fix the pain. It doesn't actually fill the void left by not getting what you should've gotten when you should've gotten it (childhood) from the people who should've given it (parents).

It is excruciating -- this enmeshment. The rest of my life is so good... the only thing that is not good in my life right now is what is happening with my ex-therapist. And he was such a big part of my life, of my SELF, that his pain AND my losing what we had (he can no longer "take care of" me) completely dominates my life. It prevents me enjoying MY life.

I am now in therapy with a different therapist with very solid boundaries, and it is such a relief -- a huge huge difference. I do not have to worry about my new therapist. I don't have to struggle with the "is it OK to email/text? I want to, but I'll hate myself if I do... I know I shouldn't, but he says I can, what do I do..." that inner battle isn't there, because it isn't an option. And, because I'm not in constant contact, I do not feel GUILTY for focusing 100% on me in our sessions.

I know now that the boundaries are there for MY PROTECTION. My good. Because of those boundaries, I regularly experience that I can endure and get through things WITHOUT my therapist being RIGHT THERE. And, that means that I am less terrified of him not being right there.

If I could go back in time, I would run far far away from my last therapist. It's hard to say that, because I love him so desperately -- he is like a part of me. But, my experiences with him...and with "therapy" with him...have led to my life being MORE painful and complicated than it was before I started with him. And, now, I'm paying for therapy to untangle the mess made by my failed therapy with him.

So - benefits of boundaries?
1. It takes away the inner "game" of "if I email/call/text, will T care less? Is it weak? Wrong? Is xyz a good enough reason?" -- that clears up so much mental space...

2. It means that you regularly experience that you CAN endure and get through things without your therapist being RIGHT THERE, which means you are less afraid of your therapist not being right there all the time.

3. There's no guilt over how much time or energy you take -- you pay for x amount of time, you focus on yourself that entire time - it is an equal exchange of energy/finances/etc. It lessens the "I don't deserve what you're giving me" feeling. You feel less indebted to your therapist.

4. THEIR stuff doesn't become YOUR problem. You are specifically paying for them to keep their stuff out of the therapy room. Blurred boundaries mean that their stuff inevitably creeps over and becomes part of the stuff you have to bear, sort through, etc.

5. It keeps enmeshment from happening. It keeps codependency from happening. It keeps YOU distinct from your therapist.

Thank you SO VERY much for this post! I had seven years of counseling with a counselor who broke every rule!

He invited me into his family, told me I was family, his wife would invite me to do things with her, I would babysit his grandkids we would go on vacations together, and during one of my counseling session's he told me he did not have a lot of money to retire, just at the time when I was ready to inherit money from my dad. So, what do I do? I give him a gift of money... Why wouldn't I? He knew where I was weak emotionally and played with my emotions and needs.
Once I stopped giving them all sorts of "gifts" they all dropped me... no more friendship, counseling or contact! It devastated me to the point of almost committing suicide. My husband was so angry that he confronted him and we got the money gift back.
I am still healing and working through everything that happened with a new counselor.

[toomanycats]

I wanted to come back and offer something else that has come up for me thanks to my new therapist's better boundaries.

Because of the boundaries, I find myself more easily able to realize when my pain is related to my past experiences with other people (my parents, etc.) vs. my current experience with my therapist. Because I am not constantly engaged with my therapist, it is easier to be able to see when something I am feeling couldn't really be about what is presently going on with my therapist.

For example, my therapist is getting ready to go on a trip. I am finding myself experiencing some feelings/emotions around his trip: anxiety, fear. But, because I am not constantly engaging with my therapist, I am realizing that my anxiety is NOT coming from my current interactions with my T surrounding this trip but rather I am able to connect this fear with other memories that are springing up (Because I have more brain space to be able to have OTHER memories spring up rather than just hyper focusing on my present interactions with T).

So, because I'm not obsessing over/flooded by present interactions with T, I had brain space for memories of others in my life disappearing on me and my feelings during those times. And, I'm able to see that what I'm experiencing is actually "emotional flashbacks" from unprocessed abandonment trauma.

[BudFox]

Originally Posted by Erebos

I see people who are unhappy with boundaries, not because of the boundaries themselves but because there is something fundamentally missing from their lives that they seek to replace with their T and they aren't yet at the stage where they are able to work through it.

Another possibility is that people are missing things in their lives, therapy magnifies that because it is an artificial and dead-end relationship that delivers only faux intimacy, and then on top of that arbitrary boundaries and rules are imposed which are an affront to basic dignity.

There isn't necessarily anything to "work though" and suffering due to contrived and humiliating boundaries ought not to be seen as some sort of rite of passage. Beware any intervention that makes feeling worse into some sort of progress.