[Blaire]

I don't love this term but use it for lack of a better word. Does anyone else struggle with this? Do you find it to be a block in therapy?

Yeah, it's a crappy term, but I know I've dealt with my share of that kind of thinking over the years.

There have certainly been times when I identified so much as a victim, as having everything put upon me, as not being able to ever get better. I felt like I was broken as the result of what others had done to me, and things were always going to be the same, so why try? I felt like I had no choices, like it was my lot in life to always be depressed and anxious and limited because of what had happened to me. I was stuck there for a very, very long time.

Call it what you may. I hated that phrase though, maybe because it was probably too close to the truth to accept.

That kind of thinking rendered me feeling powerless and hopeless (which by no coincidence are major symptoms of depression). It took a LONG time and years of therapy to get to a place where I found my power and found that I do have choices now. It certainly was one of the biggest barriers in my own therapy because getting past that required working through my history so I could leave it in the past where it wouldn't continue to drive my present. I was a victim then, but in the present I am not being victimized. No one is really holding me back now except myself. That was a hard reality to accept and even harder to change that focus, but I did get there eventually.

[here today]

Seems to me that the "victim mentality" develops when I have not yet dealt or been able to deal or perhaps even feel the extent of hurt that I experienced from others in the past. Accepting the hurt has been a starting point for "recovering" for me. Verbalizing and complaining about the hurt has sometimes been a part of the process of accepting it.

[Blaire]

Thank you, I think I too need to really work through some past stuff. I was very neglected in a dangerous home as a child, and now I have major abandonment, attachment, and anxiety issues. I'm only now realizing that I don't have to try to be tough all the time. It's ok to admit that my childhood really hurt me.

[skeksi]

I think I am working through that right now, actually. Figuring out that even when I feel powerless in the present, I have choices and agency.

It's hard to grasp because sometimes I dont have the power to get the outcome I want, but T tells me I do have the power to assert myself and to express myself, both of which were missing when I was victimized. I hope it will eventually make better sense to me.

Labeling oneself with derogatory terms might perpetuate the state you want to move on from as it seems like a form of self-harm.

There was a point in my life when I was hard on myself, but no need for self punishment or beating myself up for not recovering in x manner in x amount of time.

I'm not the model of self-compassion or self-worth, but that's the direction I would take to get unstuck (as opposed to thinking one's way out of it) or regaining my power. It can take some time. Be gentle on yourself.

[Blaire]

Thank you, I have been very hard on myself through the awful process of admitting to myself, and finally to my therapist, that so much of what I do is motivated by fear that no one will help me when horrible things happen. I'm always trying to draw attention to get others to protect me. It's extremely destructive and just perpetuates the problem. In facing this, I've experienced so much shame. It's been brutal. It's a struggle to be compassionate toward myself, but I'm doing better with it.

[junkDNA]

Learned helplessness

[Argonautomobile]

Learned Hopelessness - because why the **** would anything nice happen ever?

I struggled with a victim mentality for many years-especially thru my 20's and into my early 30's. I don't have that mentality anymore. I was told by someone very bluntly (not a therapist) to "Pick up the pieces and move the f**k on" and that's what I did. And honestly, leaving therapy helped me put that into practice because I'm not in my head like I used to be when I was in therapy. That coupled with not having to deal with a lot of the drama that goes along with the therapeutic relationship helped move on from my past experiences and live more in the present. I'm just saying what strategy worked for me. Everyone is different.

[Erebos]

Been very very fortunate to have always had the survivor mentality, I think that's the next step on.
I have never allowed my abusers or my own mistakes to have power over me.
I accept that I am lucky, and I wish I had the formula to help others, but it can be done, acceptance and time are two significant factors.
I wish all those struggling the very best and hope you find the light at the end of your own tunnel.

[Favorite Jeans]

I think it's okay to feel sorry for yourself, stuck, hopeless, lacking in agency and all that goes with that as long you don't set up residence in that space. You don't have to feel powerful, optimistic and independent all the time. The key is to see that victim space as a mood or temporary frame of mind and get from it what you need (maybe more self-compassion or permission to be exhausted or sad, resentful or angry?) without allowing that victim attitude to become entrenched as your way of approaching the world.

[mogwaifn]

I got a kick up the arse (similar to another poster) when I met a new friend (again, not a therapist) when I was 26. He basically ordered me to stop being a victim. It's kind of hard to explain but he was blunt without being disrespectful (helped that he didn't lob in guesswork or make assumptions about me, harsh or otherwise) plus I had decided to give positive thinking and personal development a try around the time.

For it to work depends upon a lot - initially I changed a lot of bad habits as I started seeing things differently and it all clicked suddenly, while I became kinder and more patient with myself inside when learning new things. But it was not enough - I still self processed a lot and there were a lot of hidden ways I put myself under pressure through self thinking. I then went back to therapy and sorted a lot of that garbage out.

I don't regret that I didn't go back into therapy earlier. The 18 months prior gave me some confidences I'd never had before and I was able to drive therapy forward. It may sound harsh but I could relate to the disparaging way Tony Soprano once described his shrink's other clients and feel I got something out of self help I wouldn't have gotten from just seeing a T.

Getting back to the OP and your question, I'd start off by thinking in baby steps. I can still remember the day I thought "you know what, lets experiment with positivity" and it was 6 months later I had the breakthrough. I'd say be patient and learn to distinguish between stuff you can't control and can - a lot of self help and 2-cent store psychobabble advice misses the importance of this. There was a lot of stages in terms of 'being ready' for therapy and not and the main thing is to learn to not be in your head so much - there are plenty of tricks Ts can show you to help and over time they work.

[Blaire]

I'm seeing a lot about self-compassion in your responses.

I realize that this problem has a lot to do with years of being angry at myself for not being able to handle things when I was a kid that I couldn't possibly have been expected to handle. I have to stop expecting the unreasonable of myself and being angry at others for making me this way. It creates resentment all the way around.

Thank you all, there's a lot of really good advice here.