In Session Today : Part III

I am too. This is what I meant in session when I told him that he didn't believe me that I was doing poorly. I seem okay on the outside but I'm the hottest of messes.

And he doesn't care at all. No one does.

(((Daisy))) I wish I knew what to say to help. So much pain in your words and I know that I don't know you in 'real life' outside of the forum but I care about you.

Daisy - I left a session once with 3 suicidal (she just thought I was upset - because running out of her office was so me ). Stranger intervention saved the day.

I didn't call her, though I was supposed to if I felt that way, and the whole episode cast a shadow over our relationship for a bit.

I really wish I had called her, because even once I backed down I felt awful (and she was away the next two weeks), and because it did have that effect on our relationship. Can you call roboT? Surely that is not forbidden.

You have a lot going on just now - from fertility treatments to school starting. Please be kind to yourself.

Thanks, guys. I'll manage. I don't want to call T. What would be the point?

MC today. Basically just talked about GREs that I take Thursday (he wished me good luck) and dogs, because H and I are talking about getting one. Like, literally, that was pretty much all we talked about. MC did start by saying he saw he had an e-mail from me this morning, but hadn't read it yet, and should he read it before session, and I was like NOOOO! I mean, no, it's not necessary for you to read that right now, it's OK. (Like, could you maybe have considered that it partly related to the other e-mails???)

Also found out that the dog MC has is a lab, since he asked why we didn't consider those (high shedding level). Didn't ask if black or yellow.

And he said he'd be away the last Monday in August, but that works out, because so will we. So we see him next Wed. (wanted to see him as close as possible to our vacation), then the Wed. after Labor Day.

Left session, H was like, "Well, that was...a session." As in, not much substance. But he said we need those now and then. I got in car, pulled out of parking spot and started sobbing. Because there was so much I wanted to talk about with MC but didn't feel comfortable doing in session. Of course I sent him a text (probably briefly interrupting his next session, so sorry, MC's next client).

And MC was acting totally normally to me and joking around as usual, so that's not what's bothering me. It's more that I wished I could talk about stuff but didn't feel comfortable doing it. And now we don't see him for 9 days, then it's another 2 weeks.

I'm not used to such short session notes from you

I know, right? There really just wasn't much substance at all...I guess I left off the usual "good to see you" and handshake.

Session went well. He continues to be consistent, kind, empathic, he listens to me. He answers my questions. ExT was so difficult years and years ago. Thank you tons, T, for truly helping me get better. As difficult as getting better can be.

Daisydid, how are you? I too am hopeless but seeking chat. I am not suicidal currently. Willing to try and help

Session was meh. I was very tired after reaching a point of exhaustion yesterday and then sleeping very poorly last night. So not in the best frame of mind for therapy.
I think t was frustrated with me. I was frustrated with myself. I felt blank and not present. some other part of me was in the front and I was just sitting in the background, exhausted.
I couldn't remember anything or connect with anything. I said nothing about anything much. She asked questions. I didn't know the answers. I don't know which me was there. t didn't either. Near the end I came to the front and talked a bit about a work thing. Then it was time to leave.
Only three more sessions left before termination.
Meh.

i find it so fascinating that you can have an "ok" session (did you not feel okay during it?) and then just sob when you get in the car. it seems like this happens often!

i'm not judging AT ALL, just think it is an interesting thing to have happen with somewhat regular frequency. Or maybe this is normal, and since i am a robot, i don't understand it?

Yeah, that's what I'm trying to figure out, too. I mostly felt OK during session. I think maybe today, it was that I wished I could have talked about other stuff, like transference-related stuff. But that's not always the case when I'm emotional after sessions. And I don't tend to be emotional after sessions with T, so it's not just about, say, talking about personal, sensitive stuff. In an e-mail response last week, MC said it was probably due to many factors. I'm hoping he'll maybe have some insight into it, if I'm able to talk to him. And I'll definitely discuss it more with T, who I see Wed.

That's very kind. Thank you. I'm doing better than I was. I'm sad to hear that you're feeling hopeless.

PDOC - She said she wanted to bottle me up.... I'm still unsure how I feel about this.

Duchess - Brilliant as ever. Confusing as ever. She was like she was before the whole fall apart of the texting "boundaries". I wish we could rewind 9 months but alas we cannot so I just have to stay confused. We worked on where I am and how it's a good place again. That I am finally starting to believe some of the things she has told me, and I am. It feels freeing, and it's nice.

LT,

You mentioned some other emails from last week (related to transference, it seems?) to MC. I didn't see any of them - I mostly just read the daily email reports on conversations I'm following. I'm guessing that the emails were in the Dear Therapist thread? I haven't yet re-subscribed to that one after my last subscription timed out. Is that where they are, or somewhere else? I want to catch up.

--MBM

I think I mentioned stuff in the Dear T thread about them. It was about admitting to also having some erotic/romantic along with the paternal transference. Which is something I'd talked to him about when I initially admitted the transference, then thought it was pretty much just all paternal now, which is how I talk about it with him. But have realized it's not always just that (have been talking to T about it some though). Told him that in e-mail a week ago, he said he understood and that it was OK (in response to my asking 'It's OK, right?"), and no worries. But want to actually talk to him a bit about it. Think that sums it up!

LT, thanks for the clarification! That made sense.

Yesterday T taught me about "the observing self".

Think we also talked about my fear that she finds me disgusting. I managed to tell her I've various kinds of transference feelings and so I feel my feelings for her are disgusting and that she would be disgusted. Towards the end of the session, I managed to say I've romantic and erotic feelings too, and I'm terrified she'd be homophobic. She went on about how nothing will happen between us and I stopped her. I told her I know that already, that boundaries are to keep therapy safe and I'm know these feelings are transference from unmet emotional needs during my formative years.

She asked what could she say to show me she's indeed not homophobic, and I told her this is my own internalised homophobia because she's been perfectly accepting of me.

We decided that we'll have to discuss my transference feelings next session, as we've not talked about them and my thoughts that my feelings are disgusting is indeed hindering me in opening up, feeling safe etc.

I think a lot of queer people go through times of feeling disgusting. It would probably be impossible not to absorb some of that, growing up in a homophobic culture. I'm glad you can recognize the internalized homophobia because that's key to not falling prey to those feelings. I was able to shed a lot of it with an LGBT-affirming (and gay herself) therapist, but I sometimes still struggle a bit in intimate relationships with straight women.

I had a great session and I continue to work on my stuff at home.

I plummetted for about three hours after therapy. I was ruminating about a not so great person I brought up in session. I made some connections. I somehow escaped it, not by something I did, it just happened. I guess the fog lifted. OH well. My general direction is uphill although I break down, get lost, slow down, speed up, well this metaphor is going nowhere, unlike me.

I told you that, as my therapist, I really appreciate you, that you mean a lot to me, and that it shocks me how consistently kind you are.

So, I KNEW that my previous therapist disliked me sometimes more than others at the end. I felt it, I knew it, and it made me hate myself more that I did before.

YOUR REPLY to me? OK I get therapy rules. How about a you're the best patient I've ever had? Yes, that sums it up. Or how about, you're in the top twentieth percentile of my favorite patients?"

I KNOW YOU care, YOU show it to me every week in the way you treat me and through what you say. That speaks volumes week after week after week after year to the fifth.