In Session Today : Part III

Current T was sweet and a trifle barmy today.

She told me that other than my safety as a woman driving across the country, she was also worried about my being the target of racism.

I really didn't know what to say and so I just stared at her -- as much as the current political climate bothers me, I didn't think I'd be in any danger traveling across the country. She did acknowledge that it's probably coz she watches too much TV!

Also, (very thankfully!) of her own accord, said that she fully espoused a feminist view and wasn't questioning my competence etc in driving that far.

Other standard issue therapy matters were then discussed -- she seemed to find it really weird that I hadn't realized until very recently, that I don't have an internal calibration / sense of safety or danger.

I decided I'm staying put -- it feels like the more difficult choice and consequently, my convoluted brain says it must be the right one.

In stark contrast to last week's heavy session, this week was a lot lighter, but no less insightful. I talked about going to see friends, and how I'd inadvertently let the mask slip. (I'd spent a full day managing stuff, and when my friend asked how I was, they got an 'OK....' followed by a long pause.)

'No judgement here, but if I may say, that doesn't sound very convincing.'

That was what my friends seemed to think as well. We then began to talk about the possibility of my submitting some of my poetry to a magazine. I'm thankful we had that conversation, because I decided that I had nothing to lose. I've sent the poems, and we will revisit January 2011 next week, so that I can process what needs to be processed.

T was sad today. He said I'm in a very bad place. He said: "seems you're going to cry". I said yes. But I didn't cry.
He wants me to take my meds. I don't want to. They make me stupid.

Oh, RoboT...

He commented on the sweatshirt I was wearing. Wanted to hear the story behind it. It was difficult to talk about since it is representative of failed dreams and I'm having a milestone birthday in 2 weeks.

Then he asked how I was, told him this week has been crap. How it all culminated in what happened at school yesterday. We talked about it briefly, but not much to process since I knew why I felt the way I did.

Then he asked what else happened since I described that incident as the icing on the cake. I told him what happened with H and I the other day. He asked if I felt comfortable in sharing what it was that had triggered me, and I wasn't. Just that something H did hurt and it made me feel unsafe. T asked if H and I talked about it, and we did. That I felt bad because H deserves better than my mess. T commented that it was good to hear that I was the one who initiated, and part of corrective experiences is that there is inherent risk. That he hoped I'd be willing to try again even though it didn't go well that time.

What, then, he asked. I told him how the same night my bio mom had requested to be my friend on Facebook. How it made me sad, guilty because she was reaching out and I wasn't responding. He was going to recommend writing a letter and not sending it. I told him that I did that a month or two ago. That I didn't remember when, but after I cut all ties.

I said that part of my concern was that there was no way to heal my hurts. That I probably never attached to my mom. So how do I get better?

He sighed and said there was no good answer to that. I said I wasn't looking for answers, but in a way I guess I am. He wanted to challenge me on the no attachment thing. He asked if I knew of any pictures where my mother was holding me as a baby. I think there might be one or two, but I haven't seen my baby book in probably a decade.

Then I started talking about the guilt surrounding my mother. How I'm the bad guy because she's trying now, but how at the slightest conflict that I cut and run. That he'd experienced that dynamic with me.

He said, okay, you brought me up as an example, so let's go there. When we had our blowout a few weeks ago, it seemed to me like you were feeling the end coming, and so you were trying to run. Is that what you're saying?

I got mad. "No, I feel like there were legitimate concerns that I had that led me to do what I did." Now I was probably also motivated in part by our looming termination, but to say it was just that negates any role that he played in what happened. Which is not okay. I told him that I was just trying to accept the reasons he gave me for why he did what he did and letting go of the anger. So let's move on. He said okay.

So I said again that anything outside of an ideal relationship is terrifying. That I have to run. He said, well, that kind of goes in line with what you said a few weeks about BPD, which he immediately qualified by saying "not that I'm saying you are." I told him that it didn't matter to me what he thought, but that I found it interesting that he chose to say that he wasn't saying I was, but not what he thought. He said he thought his opinion was irrelevant.

Then I mused that it's interesting how I don't do this with every relationship I have. I don't always cut and run. I've never tried to do that with my dad. That I defended him whenever people brought up concerns about him or what kind of parent he was (I thought about you, Luc, as we were having this conversation). That it was easier to devalue my mother because she didn't even meet the minimum requirements of a parent. But that my dad was more gray. He will always be there for me when things are really bad, but that some of the things he did were even worse than things my mother did.

Trigger for sui


T was pretty upset by that. That I was crying out for help and that my dad fought it. I told T that my dad is very anti psychology, and that he thought all of my issues were purely attention seeking. And I told T that there were elements of it that were, but l also...

T interrupted and said that it was also because of pain. That you're in so much pain that you want it to end. And sometimes it can be both. "I'm hurting, someone please help me."

And in that moment I realized that's what I wanted from T 3 weeks ago. That perhaps I wasn't at serious risk, but that I need help. More than what he was giving me.

T saw that I had thought of something. He asked what. I said I wasn't willing to talk about it. I was upset that he couldn't see or didn't acknowledge what was going on.

So I guess I'm not fully over our recent rupture. That was the end of the session, but as he walked me out, he asked if it was okay if he booked me through the end of December now. I sighed and said sure. Because even though I've been deeply hurt by him over the last couple of months, I made a promise to myself to ride this out to its conclusion.

But it's so hard.

((Daisy)) You are right, it is so hard. I wish it wasn't, not for you, me, or any of us here. It is though and you did a great job and I think you are doing a good job at pushing yourself to ride this out to its conclusion. I think it is courageous of you to remain vulnerable and open to your T.

Change is hard, but Daisy you're being so brave in taking the time to commit to therapy.

Sending you hugs!

Yesterday was my second to last session with t. We started off talking about work. It was a very grounded, very adult conversation. It was nice to just talk with T adult to adult without being triggered for a bit. that hasn't happened much. T tried her best to impress on me how resilient and strong and functional I am. i guess I am highly functional compared to some.
After 20 minutes we started talking about the internal experiences a bit more. I became much more dissociated then and struggled to string words together. Some inner parts were very distressed and upset about the impending ending because it feels like they will never be free of our current circumstances. I think they see t as their only hope. They desperately want to tell t something. i don't know what it is, only that it is very big and painful and something that we as a system have been trying to work towards for a long time now. Its a thing that needs to be fixed or changed, but I don't know what it is and it is so overwhelming that it triggers sui intention. We are all well protected from it.
So that was there around the fringes, as well as protectors blocking it because it isn't appropriate now, it is too dangerous to open that up now at the end, there is no hope for it now.
So we discussed these three things as much as we were capable of coherently discussing anything... those parts of self (work parts) who have distanced themselves fully from the internal battle and are 100% okay and separate from the internal pain, those who are desperate distraught and see leaving t as the death of hope and the middle ones who shut down and block it all.
It is an impossible unsolvable dilemma. Near the end the hopeless suicidal ones we near the front so we tried to do a containment exercise but failed. Then we had to leave to go back to work.
The next session is our final one and i am thinking it will be better and easier for all to cancel it.

To say I haven't seen him for a couple of weeks I can't believe how much I disclosed. It was straight down to business. Spent 10 minutes or so discussing the move and I'm feeling pretty positive about it so it was just a catch up really.
Then I got on to my feelings towards him. I was very brave and honest with him about my feelings. I said that with the strength of feeling i have towards him it sometimes feels like I'm in love with him. We related it to missing out on connection with a mother when I was an infant and we talked about how love feelings, emotional intimacy and sexuality have manifested themselves throughout my life from infancy upwards.
I ended up telling him some stuff I never told anyone before. I was not expecting that level of disclosure and depth on the first session back.
Time ran out too soon really because we were really getting somewhere, but it was okay and I hope to pick up where we left off next week. He said his diary is clear for every Wednesday till Christmas, which makes me very happy indeed.

Kudos to you for being so brave! Talking about the therapy relationship is sometimes the scariest but most rewarding thing of all. It can be a whole other level of intense, and I'm glad you and your T both navigated it so well.

Very proud of you!

Thanks discussing the relationship has always been a huge part of my therapy and it's his acceptance which makes it possible for me to be so brave again and again. You're right it is so rewarding and intense too.

Thank you I wasn't sure I would be able to go there so I'm proud of myself too!

T yesterday, but won't really go into the session here. I felt weirdly...detached. Almost like I was putting on an act or something. Like, hey, look at me, I had a great vacation, H and I had some conflicts afterward but got through it, some stuff happened with MC before vacation that upset me, but no, I don't need to talk about that, nope, just gonna focus on other things. Not that I'm in particularly bad shape, but I felt in some ways I was almost saying what she wanted to hear? Like she'd asking leading things about how "So is the best vacation you've had in a while then?" So, how else do I answer that really? She did share a sort of personal thing in the context of H and I looking for dogs, in what dogs she and her H used to have and what kind of dogs she had growing up. So that was good I guess. I don't know, it was just like the session happened, and then it was over, and it was like, "Well, OK then." Wrote her an e-mail telling her about the MC stuff then decided not to send it. So I don't know...I guess I was still a bit bothered by some stuff with her from right before vacation but didn't feel like bringing it up. Guess I'll see how it goes next week... Will make separate post about today's MC session.

I have been having a rough couple of weeks...
Monday Aug 28th Session
You came out to get me and we went back to your office. I closed the door on my way in. I came in and sat down. I didn't want to talk about me but can't talk about you.

I asked how you were? You said good and asked how I was. I said ... eh. You questioned and I said yeah, eh. I asked you how your weekend was and you paused and said uneventful. You asked about mine and I said hard. You asked if I had grandson and I said yes. I said it was hard to have the energy.

It seems like I turned to my list here and we came back to this stuff. So list, No updates on surgery or car. I told you about the couple's counselor and appointment week of 9/11. We'll see how it goes with him.

I said I had something to bring up about touch that we didn't cover the previous session and that was if you would bring it up when you made a decision or if you'd like me to periodically check in with you. You said that it was an excellent question. I said that I'd like to have you bring it up when you made a decision but to be aware of timing. You wanted to know how to tell about timing. I said not when I come in and saying that I had a hard weekend. I said it's going to be difficult either way in hearing your response so being in good space is preferred. You asked about me bringing it up and wondered this that ... I said if I should even ask. You brought up the concept of just setting a date in the future. I said if you want. I said I had no preferences here. I was very ... whatever you want about it. I asked You asked about saying something about wanting to talk about touch and giving me agency to decide when I was ready to talk about it. I again was ambivalent about it. Whatever, it is your preference.

I moved us on to wanting to talk about meds. We've never talked about meds so I didn't know how the conversation would go or what I even needed to say. I just don't want to feel this way anymore.

We talked a lot about sleep. You wanted to know what my sleep was like at different times in my life, and now. You wanted me to tell you how I fell asleep. I answered your questions.

As this conversation wound down, I must have given off a nonverbal response indicating dissatisfaction because you asked me about being dissatisfied. I shrugged it off. I said I probably wouldn't go back to the sleep med people as they seemed to think that there wasn't excessive movement. You wanted to discuss this further and offered to contact them on my behalf. I again shrugged it off and said that I might check with KP Sleep Med once I get KP insurance. It was a platitude. I don't know what I was wanting from the conversation and ... I don't know. That was the sum of it. I don't know. I wanted you to make it better... no magic wand I know... still, I wanted you to wave it and make all the bad go away. Make it easy.

I don't remember the transition... or order of things from here to the end of the session. It got messy/ugly.

I told you about having no energy to put on the good face, feeling like being in quicksand. I remember telling you about not being connected to people and not able to find any..... with wife. You stated/asked if I still wanted to. I answered that I didn't know. I said but then again, last night before I went to bed I thought "I hate you'. It was more like "I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!" stomping/pacing in the office. You asked me if I could say more about that. I said that I can't trust me. I said just like wanting to tell Lea to just leave me alone, to go. You said something about cognitive ... yeah, I know these things are not what I want in the long run so I don't say them... but in the moment, in those moments, I'm drowning and I want everyone to go away, I don't want anyone around. Something was said that lead you ask if I was safe. I said yeah, mostly safe. You questioned the mostly safe. I wasn't talking. You said something about doing stuff not in my best interest. I said yes. You asked if I could keep myself alive, and I said yes, emphatically, yes. You accepted this response as I was safe, now that you knew what I meant by mostly safe. You said that you trust me.

Our time was almost up and I went to hand you the journal. You looked at the clock and sighed (or so it seemed). I was sitting there debating on doing the "I love you". I wasn't feeling it or was I. I wasn't sure. I looked up at you and I said thank you for creating a safe space for me. And I lost my grip on my emotions. I started crying. I returned to the statement about not being able to find wife. I about not having a place other than the 50 mins with you to talk about what’s going on for me there. The conversations was bouncy, incoherent, disjointed to some degree. I needed/wanted… I was stuck… hurting. I wanted to feel loved, protected – to be in someone’s arms to feel the touch of another person.

I looked about the room, looking for ... something... looking for a space... looking for an object... looking... I said that I needed, that you didn't have anything in the room, no corners. You asked about containment... I said no... hug. You said that I needed/wanted a hug so bad (?, maybe you said this). I nodded?. It felt like you moved closer to me. I didn't want a hug from you. Not then. Not there. Not in this way. I said some stuff... you said some stuff... filing cabinet, refrigerator. I said wife touches me ... but... ?? I was crying... I was not in good space. You asked if having something nearby would work. I paused, I wanted to say no, but I wanted to not feel like this and nearby might be the best I can get. I need to be able to put my head on it. It needs to be hard, prefer metal. I asked you if you had someone after me. You looked at the clock and paused and said yes. I asked/told you to hand me the tissue. I tucked/sucked it up. I paused, still debating on telling you the "I love you". I was feeling it again. I was feeling something other than painfully numb. I looked at you.

I said, "I love you"
You said, "I know. I know"
I said, "I miss you" or "I'll miss you" both are true.
You said, "I know"

Somewhere in the last section you said Hey to get my attention. I didn't hear you and asked you to repeat it. You said you said Hey.
Then you told me that I was important, very important to you. (maybe you didn't say very).

Also, somewhere in the session, I told you that I was tired of feeling this way and you asked me how long had I been feeling this way. I said that it seemed to be a series of things since vacation. You said that I have had a lot since then, choppy waters. I said that was why I wasn’t sure about the meds. Was it depression or just daily stresses of life. Is the depression making it harder to deal with daily stresses of life?

Here at the end you again said I was important (to you?)

Thurs Aug 31st
I pick up some from last session. I told you that I didn't remember the order of things and not sure if I remembered everything that was said. You said that it was a nonlinear time and that it was ok that I didn't remember everything.

One of the things I kept saying last session was that I couldn't find wife. But I wouldn't tell you what I meant. I told you that I can't find wife in my heart. You said inside me. I said yes. You asked if there were moments and I said yes I think small moments but then I start to wonder if I was just acting. We talked on this for a while and got looped to you asking me if there was something about wife that I would like you to change. I said that yeah, I'd like it if I bring something up, it could stay about me. You wanted to know what I meant and I said like here with you. You asked for an example and I told you about Tuesday morning and reiterated about the text she wrote that included the word divorce. You seemed to think my request was fair.

I brought up the hug part of the previous session and told you that I didn't want a hug from you last session and that if we ever hug, I don't want it to be in a situation like that. Of course you asked me what kind of situation and I said as equals. I clarified that when coherent. You asked if I meant like teammates and I said yes. Really what I was thinking was that I didn't want it to seem like I was using emotions to manipulate you into giving me a hug. While you might not have felt manipulated into it. I would have felt like I had done so, similar to the hand holding from before the move. I said that I thought the lack of feeling wife is played into the desire/need to feel held, human touch, and comfort.

I brought up saying "I love you" at the end of last session, how I was not feeling it then and had debated on saying it or not because routine/ritual verse feeling. I went to say it and the thank you for the safe space statement came out...from now here and then I fell apart. I told you that today I was feeling it a lot.

You asked me about how I was feeling the other day when I described feeling like 20-30's and not caring about what others thought of me. You wanted to know if I wanted to talk about it? I shrugged it off, I think I said sure and then, that I didn't know what to talk about with it. I was thinking that part isn't here right now. You dropped it. I would have talked about it had you asked me something specific.

I told you that I wasn’t feeling right in the head, that something was wrong again. I said that earlier my body felt heavy. You asked if it was heavy like when a body part falls asleep and feels like it weighs a lot. I said no, that it felt weighed down. I read to you what I wrote in my journal today:
“I just want to be in bed. I am putting on the good face but really. Can one smile and laugh and still be depressed? I feel like my laughter is crazy. What do I mean by that? Hmm that I am laughing at stuff that is not funny, not real … not even at something, just laughing. I don't feel right in my head, and I feel a little unsteady on my feet. I think it might be from the dentist numbing medicine but I think the laughter and sadness was there before the appointment. I am not laughing on the outside, it is just a smile. I am laughing on the inside. I am tired, very tired but not exhausted like yesterday. My body feels weighed down and heavy, and my brain/mind all fuzzy. I could sit and look at the wall and be fine. I rested my head against something this morning and it felt good, I don't even remember what it was or when it was, just that I did it and it felt good. In my shower this morning, I stood there for a long time, just letting the water run over me. Maybe it was in the shower that I did that. I sometimes do that in the shower. Something is not right with me, again. I feel like I just need a day or 2. I want to cry but no tears.”

You asked me if I could take a day or 2 off and what that would be like. I said I couldn’t, that I have too much to do right now, maybe in a week or 2 I could, but not right now. You asked what about a few hours. I said no, I’d feel too guilty. We talked more about the fuzzy in my head. I said that it was like thoughts are too quiet to be heard and just floating by. You said it sounded peaceful. I said it wasn’t really peaceful, it was more like they weren’t worth paying attention to…. More was said and you said like too much to care about them. I said yes. More was said then you made a comment about a college coach saying something about just keep rowing. I said that I didn’t feel like I was rowing or doing anything. This surprised you because I seem to be doing lots of things. I said that I felt like I was laying in the boat. And off we went on describing it… were we on a lake, river, ocean…. What was the sky like? I said that it was on a big body of water no land in sight, no waves, no sky. You said like floating or suspended. I said yes and got the image of the black… suspended in a wire or clear cube in the black (I didn’t tell you about that, it slightly vibrating/humming – lol, sound like being in a womb doesn’t it? Ok, what’s with the womb thing? you have said this more than once in reference to things I say).

I brought up you question at the end of last session about if a support object in close proximity would be enough. I said no; that I needed to be able to rest my head against it. You asked about if a wall would work and how you could move the chairs and table like we’ve done before. I was unsure about it. You asked if I wanted to give it a try and all I could do was shake my head no. I started to feel young, very young.

I told you that I stopped at the library on the way to session to look at books that were in the window. You seemed excited and… I think you asked if I got any books but then I don’t remember hearing you ask. I told you I didn’t get them. I told you that one of the books had cool pictures but I didn’t like the story that well. It was the book that called to me through the window. I said that I looked at another book called Ira is a pretty good friend (or something like that). I told you I read that book all the way through. I told you about the book. You said that you liked it. You said I lite up and smiled when telling the story. You asked me what it was like to read the book, was I fuzzy in my head then. I said no, I said that the world disappeared. You said something about me being in the book. I said yes.

I said that I realized that I was doing what I do when I am hiding something [ashamed of something], keeping a secret and doing it all alone where no one can see me (in regards to going to the library and looking at the books). You asked how I felt about keeping the secret. I said guilty because I’m not supposed to be looking at the books. You asked if I felt guilty for keeping the secret and I said no, for breaking the rules, not supposed to look at the books (I was feeling young still/again).

I said that it’s almost been a month. You said the tote. I said yes. You asked what I was going to do. I said I didn’t know, that I knew what I wanted to do but didn’t know what I would do. You asked me what it is I wanted to do, I said that I wanted to have my stuff back.

Our session time was almost up, my watch alarm had gone off warning me only 5 mins left of my 50 mins. Though I almost always go the full hour. I suck at leaving. I told you that I didn’t want to come today and for an illogical reason. You asked about it. I said that because I don’t get to see you on Monday because of holiday so I am seeing you very early Tuesday morning. And that if I came and saw you today that would mean it would be a long time before I got to see you again. You said that you didn’t think it was illogical. But had I not gone I wouldn’t have seen you for longer period of time (see such young thoughts, even writing it here, I can feel how little the voice and thoughts are around it). I told you I didn’t want to go. You said that leaving is hard. I think I nodded to this. I said I love you and you said I know. We breathed together. You said it is nice to breathe together. I was sad. I didn’t want to go. I knew I had to go, my time was up. I said I was scared. You said something about it being ok and understandable. Then I told you about game night that we are hosting on the 9th. I invited you the last time but you couldn’t make it because you was going to be out of town. I told you that I didn’t want you to come to game night but that I wanted to play games with you. You said we could. I said that we only get an hour, not much time. You said something about making time, I said unless we did a session at daily savings on the how that you move the clock back. Silly joke.

You asked about fantasy football. I said that I needed to still set up my league. You said you was just asking because it is almost football season and I hadn’t talked about it. At the time, I wondered if you were looking for an invite, but again I don’t want you there – it would be weird for me. Now I think you was just trying to assess my engagement in things I find pleasure in. Fantasy football is one of the things that go last in terms of losing interest in things one used to find pleasure it… in other words a way to judge my depression; which seems to be hanging out and around these days.

Tues Sept 5th
I had emailed you late last night stating that I was bringing in the tote. That I didn't know the purpose and .. here's the email:
Hello Dr. S,

I don't know if you will even see this before our session as we are meeting so early in the morning. I had a realization today and decided.. I ... I'm bringing the tote in tomorrow morning. At this moment, I am feeling very disconnected from it like it is stuff that belongs to someone else. So I don't know why I'm bringing it in, what I want from bringing it in, how to proceed with it... The purpose of this email is to give you the heads up as to what is coming and ... I don't know.

I'm having lots of different conflicting emotions about it right now. If you do get this before our session, please let me know that you got it.

Weirdly struggling - thoughts are all confusing, emotionally stable.

Love,
me

I almost signed it Thank you. It just felt like such an impersonal email. I didn't get a reply until you were in the office so right before I arrived. It was fine. I was not upset by this. You caught me in the front and asked if I wanted to bring the tote in the side door. I was whatever, sure, if not a problem, didn't want to traipse through someone else's space. You said you'd get the side door. I said look at new car. You said that you liked the color and was off to get the door. I was a little something by the little attention the new car got. Shrug - I moved on.

I carried the tote down the little stairs. You struggled to find the correct key and finally got the door open for me, I came in being careful not to hit anything as I carried the tote and had my back pack. I got into the waiting area and I called back to see if you were ready for me in your office, if I could go directly back. You said I could so I did. I got back into the office and sat the tote down a bit off to the side and sat my backpack down. I didn't have my notebook out so I had to get into my backpack to get it out.

You sat down and I asked about your weekend. I didn't ask you how you were, I think this was because I didn't want you to ask me how I was. I was disconnected, still and even more so. I hadn't slept much last night and was exhausted - physically, mentally, and emotionally. You said your weekend was good. You asked me how my on-call was. I said that it was quiet. I mentioned that it was every 3 weeks. You said something about 2 off 1 on. I said for now, that we are working on getting more people in the rotation.

I started to tell you about my walk on Monday and then I pulled out my journal entry and read to you what came through on my walk - about the tote, my beliefs and letting you be mommy. I told you that the realization that even though I still had some of the thoughts, I wasn't believing them and that meant to me that it was working, that what we were doing/how we were going about things was making changes in me - slowly. You agreed that it takes time. I told you that I felt that a big part of it was coming from the acceptance of all of me. I recognize that it takes time for the consistency of that acceptance.

I told you about feeling disconnected from the tote and not being sure about bringing it. That on the walk I felt it was the right thing to do but as the day progressed, I felt less sure about it. I said how it didn't feel like it belonged to me - the stuff inside didn't belong to me. I said that I was wondering why I even was bringing it in as you knew what was in it and I knew what was in it. I explained how the night progressed last night and by 7-8pm I was in a bad space about it. That the people I normally talk to were asleep. So I put out a feeler on the forum to find someone to talk to about it all and to get another opinion about bringing in the tote or not. I found someone that had somewhat been following my story and someone that I felt had a good understanding of the type of therapy we are doing and the purpose of this type of therapy. I did give them quick rundown as to what was going on just to refresh their memory about it all. Then I told her about how I was feeling towards the tote and my dilemma. The summation of that conversation was that I should bring the tote in precisely because of the disconnection feeling and to discuss and explore those feelings. So... I brought the tote in.

Then I sat there for a moment to give you some time to respond. You had made some comments when I was relaying the events; however, it was more to indicate that you were following and engaged rather than digging deeper. I don’t remember you asking about it or saying anything here. Maybe it was here that you asked something and I said something about the fantasy from Monday. I don’t think so though. I think we were talking about something and I started to tear up. You commented on that, and I said that I had the thought of sending the things to goodwill, that I had brought the tote in so I could take it to goodwill. You said that it seemed like I didn’t want to do that (or a part of me didn’t). No, I didn’t want to do that [I did have to keep reminding myself throughout the day that I didn’t want to do that.]

I told you about talking to wife last night. I told you that wife needs me to be different than how I was. I said that she wants me to be able to explore and she didn't want me to put away the tote, but at the same time she wants me to be different for her. That I think she doesn't want to be the type of person that tells their partner that they can't explore themselves. I reminded you about your statement before regarding ways to contain stuff so that when I leave I can be different. You asked me something about it that I don't remember. I tried to explain what I meant and couldn't say the words. As I stumbled over what I could say you understood it and said turning off the faucet. I said yeah.

I was talking about feeling so disconnected from it all when I brought up the shoes I was wearing. I told you that I dressed this way on purpose trying to bring out the feeling of the little boy. It didn’t work. I told you that I had these shoes for a very long time, since <store name> went out of business. You agreed that was a very long time ago. I said that when I was heavier they didn’t fit but they fit now. I told you about finding them in the store and just wanting them. That wife said I could have them but I didn’t think I should get them. They were so cute, I wanted them and I bought them. They lived in the closet for a very long time. You asked about how it felt/what it was like to see them in the closet. You know, “what it was like?” is no different than “how does that make you feel” . I tried to describe it. I struggled to find words. I finally came up with some or enough words. You did or said something that left me feeling like you understood what I was trying to say. Precious was all that was coming to mind; that in those moments that I saw them and pulled them out, they were precious to me. I also didn’t want to say that they touched the little boy. That he was there then and he wanted the shoes. I didn’t want to talk about the parts as parts for some reason today. It was as if I was trying to deny their existence as a separate part of me. I told you how Merrill makes cute shoes; however, they don’t fit me very well. You asked about this. I said that they are too narrow and they are stiff so I don’t feel safe/comfortable in the rain because I don’t have the sensation of gripping the ground with them.

Something made me smile, and you commented on my smile. I don't remember what I smiled about.

I didn’t have the alarm set on my watch so I looked at it to see what time it was. Time was almost up and we hadn't opened the tote. I had flash image of a desire/fantasy around the tote. Then I thought about the fantasy from Monday- more tears. I told you that I was thinking about fantasy but not what it was - you might have known what I was thinking. Something was said or done, that lead me to believe that you knew what I was talking about/thinking about. Today’s fantasy still involved touch, just the leading was not that far. I still wanted to reach out and take your hand and lead us/pull you to the tote.

I told you that wife saw the tote in the house. I said that at one point, that i had written about, wanting to open the tote with wife and share it with her. I said that I didn't want that yesterday (anymore) so I didn't share it with her.

I pulled the tote between us. I said that I didn’t know about you trying to lift it but I wanted you to try so that you had an understanding of how much it weighed. You leaned in and lifted it a little. You said that someone could pull their back with it. I told you that I put it up in the attic when she wasn't around and I pulled it down when she wasn't around. That I pulled it up the ladder and that getting it down was scary. The ceiling in the garage is 8-9 ft and we have this very tall ladder not attic stairs. I explained how I got it up and the struggles to try to get it down.

I opened the tote, commenting on the duct tape. On top where the pieces of paper of the letter and of the net. I told you that I had the net back, it was different but that I had ownership of it. I traced lines in the picture and then put both the letter and the picture aside. I pulled out the box of journals, I took out the notebook and touched the cover, rubbed my fingers over it. I put stuff back and closed the lid on the tote. I don't know if you noticed the book in the notebook and went to respond or if I showed it to you. It was pointed out to be in the notebook and you said finding treasure… treasure hunt?
You went to ask to touch the tote as I reached out my hand to take yours. I wanted touch, I almost asked if I could touch you - I have ... it is ok to shake your hand. You gripped and slightly shook my hand. I held your hand; not like holding hands, but holding the shake. You let me hold your hand, and touch you. After a bit, I moved your hand to the lid of the tote. I couldn't talk then, I couldn’t say the words that would let you know that it was ok to touch the lid of the tote. Afterwards, I wondered if you might think this was similar to leading. It wasn’t in my mind, me leading you to something. I was granting you permission, non-verbally.

I don't remember if I finished packing up or if I had already done so. I looked down and took some breaths. I looked up and whispered, I love you - almost mouthed it. Not sure why so quiet. You said I know. I said I'm scared. You said it is ok to be scared. You said something else too. You said you were here. I again whispered I love you. And you said I know. Lost, I picked up my stuff. You talked about Thursday and couldn't figure out the hours, but soon. I couldn't figure out the time either. You offered to let me go through the one office, I said that I could take the stairs or either, whichever. You went to check but couldn't tell. Some point in here I said I was strong. You said that I carried it up the ladder that I could do the stairs, then you offered and went to get the doors for me.

I think I said thank you at some point in the leaving. We did the little dance around the doors then I was standing out on the porch looking back at you. I again whispered I love you - - again and I know from you. I don't know why the many times today... lost, sad, hurting. You again made comments about seeing me soon.

I took the tote to the car and opened it up, I wanted the blanket. I took out the blanket and hugged it while it was in the plastic, I touched the train and the basketballs, then closed it back up; still keeping the blanket out.

Sorry for spamming the thread, now all caught up here. And no - you don't need to read it all.

The overall summary - is the items purchased to support the exploration of my inner child and other parts have been brought out of storage and I hope to be able to continue on my journey while still somehow not causing the ending of my relationship with my wife.

Session ended up being less intense than I expected, because I attempted to say the first thing that came into my head rather than censoring. R pointed out that I smiled and laughed when she asked how my week had been, but she sensed that it hadn’t been good.

I told her that the nights are still hard: ‘I could be a better human if I could only sleep through the night.’ Then we talked more about how I am handling conversations with other people and R suggested that I try to take the lead by saying something like ‘I’m not doing great at the moment, but I don’t really want to talk about it now.’
Then I tried to go into the January 2011 space and ended up retreating, in spite of R saying ‘It’s OK, Lost.’
‘I don’t want to give this to anyone else.’
‘Can you explain a bit more about what you mean by that?’
‘As difficult as it is to live, it must be more difficult to watch.’
‘More difficult to watch you go through it?’
I nodded vigorously. ‘Many times, I all but...many times I watched her die. And I don’t know what the **** to do with that. When I received that first message, after weeks of knowing, but not knowing for sure, it was an internal experience, because I just didn’t know what to do with it.’
I made a comparison between the email of January 2011, and when I found out that Chris was coming to the end of her life. ‘My abiding memory of that time is having a cup of tea, and my hands were shaking so hard I could barely hold the mug.’
R and I talked some more, and she commented that I seemed tired today. ‘Almost like you can’t carry on doing it the way you have been for much longer.’
I commented again on how I can’t see another way of doing this. I need to speak it to be free. R thinks that the space I was in during January 2011 where I knew that something must have been happening, but not knowing what, was a very scary space to be in. I can’t help but agree.
The last thing R said before she left today was quite profound. She told me again that she wants me to know that she can take it. That doesn’t mean she won’t be affected by what she hears, but she won’t be affected by it in the same way that I am, even though she can be with me and try to experience things as they were for me then. I gathered my thoughts for a moment...
‘I didn’t realise how much I needed to hear that. I’ve reached this point of needing to share it before, and the person who was supposedly facilitating that work didn’t feel comfortable doing it, but also didn’t feel comfortable telling me that.’ Next session is Tuesday, and we will be committing to the deep dive into January 2011.

We talked quite a bit about the language used, and that being a possible explanation for why I am having a hard time letting this go. I don't read horror, I don't watch horror movies, and yet this situation was something like a personal horror movie. Part of me is evidently still in shock.

MC yesterday. Including this beginning part because it's kinda funny. Sat down, and I commented on how the chairs across from us were different. He said he'd brought them from home, how the other ones had gotten sort of worn down and beat up. I said they made it feel more like home because of it, since our couches are a bit of a mess because of a 6-year-old who likes to eat Jimmies on the couch. Then I was like, "Whoa, I normally use the term 'sprinkles' instead of 'Jimmies,' not sure where that came from." Said I thought it was regional thing, MC said he knew both terms, I asked H, and H was like, "I'm just 'sprinkles.'" To which MC said to H, "So is it OK if I just call you 'Sprinkles' from now on?" Which made us all laugh, and H was like, "Uh, no."

Side note: I felt a little odd about it when MC said he'd brought the chairs from home, something about "not needing them anymore." I guess they just felt personal, like his kids and wife had probably sat in them at some point. They also looked like something a woman would have picked out (or at least not MC, since they didn't match the dark brown and tan color scheme of his office).

Anyway, went on to do brief recap of how our vacation went (I mentioned how I'd managed not to contact either MC or T). MC joked about something that happened on our beach trip a few years ago, which was a bit embarrassing...

Then we switched to the main topic, which was the conflicts H and I had experienced around getting a dog (much of which I've described on the Couch). In session, H seemed to downplay everything, even when he was yelling at me, and act like it was all no big deal, how he'd already decided we were getting a dog, that he was just trying to point out what we needed to do to prepare for it, like make the house cleaner, find places for its food bowl, bed, toys, etc. I expressed how I felt at times like he was treating me like a child who didn't know what was involved in getting a dog. Or that it was like I had to prove myself to get one, to prove that I was "good enough."

MC unsurprisingly acted like it was basically H trying to state some things out loud that we needed to keep in mind about a dog, and that I was just interpreting them in a negative way. I mean, he didn't put it that bluntly, but that was basically what he said. Since H and I had basically resolved things about it in the past few days, I didn't feel like trying to make my point more about how it felt like H was acting.

We talked more about what considerations were involved in looking for a dog, like size, age, breed, etc. What H and I were looking for. I knew MC had a lab, from the last time we'd talked dogs, but this time he shared how they'd ended up with one. He said that his wife had wanted a lab, but he wanted a boxer, since he'd grown up with them. They let their then-6-year-old daughter choose, and she read something about how boxers are patient with kids. The daughter was like, "Well, I'm not patient, so we can't get a boxer!" (6-year-old logic!) So they ended up with the lab, which he said was OK. He hasn't told many stories involving his wife since she passed away late last year, so I felt a little sad hearing it, though the stuff with his daughter was quite endearing, too (and see: paternal transference. Also, our daughter is 6 now).

I mentioned how I was worried about the rescue orgs that do a home visit, fearing we'd fail it. Especially since some orgs seem to want the exact perfect placement for the dogs. I said I also worried, because, if my house isn't fit for a dog, then how is it OK for a child?

MC said that just because we fail it, that doesn't mean we're bad people. Then he shared that they had actually failed the first inspection for their son's adoption. Because he had some stuff crammed in the top of a closet, and there's supposed to be a certain amount of space below the ceiling for fire regulations (which is not something I knew!) It was on the first floor they checked, and the evaluator said they likely had other violations, too. He said that failing it didn't make him a bad person--that maybe he's a bad person for other reasons, but not for that. They did pass the second time, incidentally. I was like, "So it all worked out for you then" to which he said, "Well, it's still a work in progress!" (I guess because his son is a teen now?)

I said in there how worrying about the dog inspection also led to sort of spiraling worries about CPS (child protective services)--I turned to H and was like, "Yeah, I didn't mention this part of my worries to you the other night because I know I was snowballing." I said how D hated having her hair combed/brushed, so we often didn't do it, and I'd read that was a red flag for people to report to CPS. Or how sometimes she only wanted to wear a certain shirt, and it had a stain, and I was afraid that would set up flags, too (I'd also mentioned this on the couch). H was like, "I think if she's just wearing clothes, that's sufficient!"

MC said that T, as a social worker, and he, too, are mandated reporters, and if they ever had any possible sense of something bad going on at our house, they'd have said something. But they didn't sense that at all. I was like, "Yeah, and we're really involved in communicating with the teachers and stuff, so I think they can tell we care." It still helped to hear him give me that reassurance.

Said we had to wrap up soon (we were at time), and MC tried to give a summary of the session. And how it had seemed like H was just trying to express stuff with good intentions that I misinterpreted, but then we were laughing and joking together, which was good. I said to MC, "So kind of like how last session was, where you had good intentions in what you were saying to me but I misunderstood and interpreted it wrong?" I teared up for a second and apologized for it, because I was trying to not make it a thing again. MC said, "Kind of" or something like that. He started checking his schedule on the computer to confirm our appointment Monday, and I was like, "I know you'd said we could have talked about the reassurance thing today (from an e-mail I'd sent), but I figured this was more pressing." He replied, "We can talk about that whenever you like." Which was good to hear.

Confirmed appointment for Monday. Shook hands, we were making jokes about dogs and furniture, and MC was laughing hysterically as he walked us out. He said take care, and I said "You, too" with a little wave, then we left.

I teared up slightly in the car but was mostly OK. Felt pretty connected to him, which, in terms of transference and attachment, may not be such a good thing... But at least I wasn't a weepy mess like 2 weeks ago at last session... (which I never really wrote up on here).

We got into the room and sat down. You put your sweatshirt on. I asked you how you were. You said better, good. You asked how I was, I said ok.

- I told you that I didn't have much to talk about. That might be why I ended up talking about a few things that I had held back. Anyway, I'm not sure of order so here is the best I remember it.

- I asked about vacation; you have 2 potential conferences Feb 14-18 (wed-sun) and June 22nd-24th (fri-sun). You have no plans for time off around memorial day this year. You figured after a bit you'd get into a routine and figure out some of those dates. You said like in 3 yrs... I said that I hope by then not to have your vacations cause me such problems. You thought it was a fine idea to align the vacations - to minimize disruptions. I feel like it is pathetic that I can't manage through you taking a vacation. Or maybe the concept is that I don't want to deal with/manage without you. I told you that I accepted that this is where I am now, that it won't always be like this.

- I brought up that I liked having only one day between sessions. You asked if it was possible if I'd want to switch to Tues & Thursday. I said that I had thought about it but wasn't sure. I said that I didn't know how it would make this weekend feel even though it was the same time between sessions as always. You asked about morning verse late afternoon. I talked about the plus/minuses of both. I said how in the morning, after session it took me a while to get going on my day. And we talked about me walking or busing to work after session, more about logistics around it. I said that we'd see next week as I'll be seeing you again next Thursday morning. I don't know about switching, staying or much really.

- Talked about next week and how I'd be seeing the couple's counselor Wednesday night and then you Thursday morning. You asked me about my thoughts. I shrugged, I don't know. I said part of me wants to get it over and part of me is resigned about it all. I said that it would take 2-3 sessions just to get the story out.

- Talked about how wife and I have gotten to an interesting place of walking around the landmines for now. You asked about specifics here. I tried to answer and felt I wasn't doing a very good job of it. I did finally come up with something. I told you that wife and I had talked about her going and seeing a therapist and her reasons why she thought both of us in therapy at the same time would be detrimental to our relationships. Her largest argument was about the time investment I have done and how if she was to put in that amount of time, then who or how would household responsibilities get completed. I made the comment that when I made household responsibilities a priority, wife thought I was leaving her. You said something about feeling like a no win situation. That's for sure. I told you that wife has kind of latched onto the concept that the issues are due to both of us being in peri-menopause. I'm not so sure that is it.

- We talked about my sleep issues and possibly being related to menopause. Talked about increasing my Testosterone to suppress my estrogen even further. You agreed that menopause can cause issues with sleep. You suggested I talk to my Endo doc.

- I told you about this being the last month of personal training. You were like what??? I said that it was already planned to be my last month with the surgeries; however, I had decided to not return afterwards. I said there were several reasons, the time involvement and the money. And I'm tired of... then I stopped talking. I looked at the ground. Tears. I couldn't say the words. Waited, paused... some tears. You asked or said hard to talk about. I think I nodded. I still didn't say anything. I don't remember if I showed you the picture first or if I finally said that I couldn't control it (my eating). The picture was of the food/drink I bought this morning for breakfast. We talked about food for a while, I was upset. You were talking quietly, sometimes it was hard to hear you over the noise in my head. I finally asked if we could stop talking about this. You said yes.

- We talked about lots of different things around depression, and my current state. You asked me about medications and if I wanted you to take over prescribing/med management for me. I said I didn't care who managed it, then I said I didn't know how it would be different. You said that we'd talk about things like we are now and that you'd ask more specifically about what I was putting in my body... the more you talked about this the less comfortable I was about you taking over medication management for me. Right now I don't want to admit the truth of everything to you. I got the feeling that it would be bad right now if you were to ask me questions about my eating, drinking, over the counter medications... just in general "prying". You mentioned about me increasing my Welbutrin a while back for a bit and how it seemed to provide relief. I said that it did. I don't remember if you asked, if I told you, or if we just understood that I was no longer supplementing my prescribed dosage. You asked about me contacting my PCP and asking for a higher dose. I made the comment that I didn't need to do that, that I could just increase the dosage. You wanted to know how I had extra pills. You asked if I skipped dosages. I said that remember when I first came to see you and I had stopped taking it because of going to school. We talked a little about dosages. At one point you asked me if that was my exit strategy. I paused and refused to answer. I then said that the internet says it is not a very good way to go. You asked something else, and I again repeated that the internet said it isn't a very good way to go. I added this time that I have enough pills if I wanted to. I don't skip dosages intentionally or without purpose. There are times where I do forget. Do you really want to know how much I have? I don't want to tell you.

- Things during this part of the conversation were random. I said that I wished the world would just stop spinning for a bit. You brought up the comment from previous session about wanting some time off. I told you about the schedule for the upcoming few weeks; one of them being game night. You asked if I could cancel game night. I said something about being too late. You asked if I would cancel if I had food poisoning. I said that it wasn’t going to be canceled and you let it drop. I get your point though about treating the depressive state the same as an illness.

- I said that I want to hurt myself. You asked if I have been. I didn't answer. You asked if I meant more than food and alcohol. I didn't answer, but looked right at you (thinking back maybe even defiantly). I think I nodded my head a little. You asked me what I was doing. I didn't answer. You talked about wanting the pain to make it go away. I said that it didn't work - make emotional pain. I said that I did it to feel something; it worked for that but is short lived. You asked about one part of me not wanting to cause pain. All I kept thinking was how much more pain I wish I would cause.

- Our time was up and I reminded you that you were going to look up dates for me. We kept talking. We talked about safety. You asked if I could keep the little boy safe. I shook my head no and started crying again. I said that I don't feel him, can't find him. I said that he is scared. I told you that I could keep myself alive, mostly safe. More stuff said here. I couldn't do the closing yet. You got up to get me the dates and I looked up the stuff on my phone. You gave me the dates, I relayed to you information regarding the presentation on menopause.

- Talked about seeing you on Monday and Thursday nights with football... and that I had looked at there were no Vikings - Packers games on either night. You said something about not being able to watch the games. Joked about yeah, meeting at McMenamins. I brought this up to lighten the mood before I left.

- I went through the ending ritual. I said I love you. You said I know. I said I was scared/he was scared, you said I know. We talked more here, thank you/sorry. I said something about needing to internalize it – the I love you. You said something about me keep saying it, that you would keep responding. I don’t remember exactly what you said here. You said we’d get there/I’d get there. You said I had this. You said I was wonderful. I chuckled at that, with my thoughts being are you sure. You said several statements of affirmation – you thanked me for being me, for coming. I thanked you for being here. I didn’t want to go.. dammit I didn’t want to go . I knew I needed to go. I didn’t want to go. I told you I love you again, this time a whisper. You replied with I know. I did eventually make it up and to the door. I left, sad.

So I beat him to the office. I suspected that was his car, but now I have confirmation. I ended up being able to get in through the unlocked door in the courtyard. Went in after using the restroom and grabbed a box of tissues to put in my lap. He laughed. "What's wrong?" I told him I'd already cried today, I just wanted to be prepared. That led into a quick conversation about Boy Scouts and Girl Scouts while he processed my payment.

He asked me why I had cried when we got started. I received a message on PC this morning that upset me. Well, the message was only mildly upsetting, but the reflection that I did as a result of the message was difficult. It's difficult to be open and vulnerable with others, but I'm making a concerted effort.

Then talked about work for a while. How I feel like an imposter at work. That my administrators have all this trust in me, and I don't feel like I've earned it. Unsurprisingly, I feel like a terrible teacher. I feel like a terrible everything. I also said that I was probably chosen for my current role because I'm the only person crazy enough to do it. He asked me to think about things from my administrator's perspective. How have they said or demonstrated that I'm capable? I said that the administration has given my coteacher and me a ton of autonomy to implement what we think will work. RoboT said that shows a lot of trust in my abilities. I agreed. Doesn't change the imposter feeling, though. That they trust me when they shouldn't.

At some point toward the end of that conversation I grabbed the pillow next to me and curled up with it. "What's wrong?" he asked. I said I don't feel well. I'm hormonal, which led to a brief update about fertility stuff. That yet again I'm putting myself through hell for the greater good. RoboT clicked his tongue at me and said, "no, you stand to get something you want. The baby." I said that I'm not hopeful that I'll get pregnant. I haven't had much success in the past. He said he understood.

He asked if that was the only thing wrong physically. I said no, I was also hungover. He laughed and we talked about my dinner last night. He seemed happy that I was able to have like, authentic bonding with friends. I don't talk about my friendships much with him.

He asked if dinner last night was the only thing on the agenda this weekend. Yes, I have a lot of errands to run. I'm even writing this post whilst waiting for my oil to be changed. I wanted a couple of days of downtime since I won't have any downtime next weekend. He asked why, which annoyed me. "I'm going to NYC, RoboT." He was surprised. "You are?! When are you leaving?" Next Saturday, I said. "Oh, so you're not coming in next week?" No, and we discussed this. "That's right, now it's coming back to me. We texted about this before my vacation."

That made me angry because it was a reminder of a time that he didn't do what he said he would. Then I rolled my eyes and said texting him or him texting me made me mad. I told him I was upset last night when he hadn't texted me. Here was his response:

Yesterday was crazy, and after I left here I had this late dinner. Got home from dinner, was taking out the trash and realized that I hadn't texted for Saturday. So I come inside and picked up my phone to start texting when you texted me. I thought it was odd, because you're usually so good about appointments.

I laughed. I had left my calendar at school, along with my entire teaching bag in protest. I'm not working this weekend. And then the more I drank at dinner, the fuzzier the details got. "Wait, so you drunk texted me?"
I nodded and he laughed.

He started to ask a couple more questions about my trip next weekend. What were my plans? I shrugged. I figure H will plan something. RoboT asked if that was the norm. I said no, but it is for my birthday and our anniversary. "Oh, when is your birthday?" I told him it's in a week. He paused and said he'd remembered that conversation as well. That we're both Virgos. But that astrology was stupid. I agreed and groaned. Why did astrology make me angry he asked. My biological mother is huge into astrology.

So that's what we talked about for the rest of the session: bio mom. Last week he was trying to recommend for me to write her a letter, and I said I already had. I read it last week and told him I didn't care for it now. That it was too nice. Too apologetic. I don't want to be hateful to my mother, but I also deserve to be able to air my grievances about her as a parent. That I felt two conflicting emotions: guilt for being petulant in not being willing to accept her efforts to reach out, and anger that she'll likely never be able to take ownership of how her actions affected me.

He started to verbally "rough draft" another version of the letter to her. To acknowledge her reaching out, but also set some ground rules to open up communication again. He said he did it and that I should let it percolate in my subconscious.

I said that part of me really liked the letter: the guilt. The anger wants to continue to be petulant. Then he paused, and I was convinced that he was going to bust out the Evil Chair. He didn't, but instead made reference to our work with it in the past. That ultimately I was going to have to make a choice. Either forgive her or make her take accountability for her actions. The longer I waffle in between like I am, the more turmoil it'll cause for me. He said that normally he doesn't like talking about those type of things from such an intellectual place, but that he thought I was far enough along that it was okay.

That was about the end. He asked a few more questions about the trip that I couldn't answer. We have nothing planned. That I was trying to be spontaneous, which he said is probably really good for me.

I told him I was going to deface Trump Tower somehow. This made him laugh very loudly. I knew it would.

A really good session:
I was a minute or 2 late. I didn’t like that. I had a lot to get through and knew I’d need the full time. Ugh. I got there, down the stairs button pushed and sat down. You came right out. I apologized for being slightly late. You said it happens. You headed back and I followed. When we got into the room, you noticed that the carpet needed adjusting and you fixed that, I closed the door. We got sat down. Hi .. hi..how was your weekend, too fast. I said mine was … not sure now what I said. I told you that I started taking the boost dosage of Wellbutrin and I was feeling much better. That I started Friday morning and my Sunday, I was feeling better. Now some of it might be the party being done and one less thing on my plate. I do believe the Wellbutrin is playing a part. I said that we have a problem with this plan, that I have only 1 more pill left. I proceeded to explain what I had been doing and we discussed how to deal with it. You agreed to write me a prescription for the 150 XL dosage. I told you that I’d like to try it for just like 60-90 days as a trial boost to get me back to some stability and maybe through enough of the couple’s counseling to get a feeling as to how things will go there; as well as whatever else might be going on with me. You wanted to know why the limit. I said that I didn’t want to be on any of the medication but I also don’t like feeling like I was. I like feeling better. You said that you think of medications as molecules of kindness we give ourselves. I guess. Still would rather not need them.

I talked briefly about game night and talking with a friend about our relationships and our therapy as she is going through a program as well. I shared with you the places where we were experiencing similar difficulties of us changing and growing and our partners not. It was good to share with her… she kept commenting on how much better I was looking, while at the same time, I felt she was a lot more relaxed than she has been.

From here I started reading things from my journal. You didn’t say a lot during this time period as I kept going when you did say something. I read to you about trying to figure out who is in charge of the city of Elio. How I talked through with a few friends to determining that this part seemed to be from the divorce years and was looking for boundaries as a way to show love and yet autonomy at the same time. I read to you about my realization that the “Because I can” reason/excuse wasn’t enough. It didn’t say what I can do… which what I can do… really can do is choose. I talked you through my thought process that lead me to thinking how a part of me is choosing this behavior, this self-destruction. I shared with you how later, how I talked to this part and I told it that it has just as much right to the city of Elio and just as much right to choose and how I’d support it in whatever it chose for us to do. You asked something here and I continued to read the next part about food and grocery shopping and how in this new mindset, I didn’t choose to eat out, I walked away from both options I offered this part.

We then talked about this stuff as a full topic. You made the comment about me being in the present moment when making the food choices, which reminded me of the Buddhist saying my friend had shared with me – if you are going to chop carrots, then just chop carrots. I said that when I tried to explain being in the present moment with wife, she didn’t get it. I told her that there was no tomorrow or yesterday, that when she said she didn’t like something, I stopped and that should make it better. That there wasn’t any added stuff/baggage to stuff. Peaceful to be in that space. A little weird because of the silence and being used to so many thoughts.

I returned to talking about feeling like this part is from the divorce years, I told you the story about the time I left the house without telling anyone after one of my parents stormed off. After I finished it, I reiterated how last session when I told you about hurting my body and you agreed that you couldn’t stop me, a part of me wanted you to stop me and a part of me would have been very angry had you tried. I wanted you to… someone to care about me enough to notice, to tell me it wasn’t ok, to stop me… you said set boundaries. I said I didn’t have that. I needed it not because I was out of control or misbehaved. I needed it to know that someone saw me, someone cared about me enough to intervene in my life in some way. I didn’t have that at all.

This lead me to telling you about the first summer of the divorce years when my parents sent me to spend the summer with my grandparents because they thought I couldn’t handle the fighting. You asked if my brother and sister stayed at home. I said yes. I said that I found out later that my dad moved out for a little bit that summer too. I continued to tell you about the situation at my grand parents – how my grandfather was an alcoholic and was drunk the entire time, how my grandmother worked M-F day shift with a 45 min commute each way. My uncle lived in a single wide trailer in the back with his girlfriend. I told you that they smoked a lot of pot. I said I drank that summer, I wanted to say a lot but that is too vague so I said like 2 or so drinks every couple of days. I said that I hung out with my uncle and girlfriend a lot while they smoked pot but I never smoked pot. You asked me why and we went off on a tangent of this story. I told you about what happened with my aunt and how she had… well I was the oldest girl and she had only boys. I used to go stay with them and I had a close relationship with one of my cousins. She got mixed up with using pot and left the family, left me. I don’t think I have it anymore, but if I can find it, I’ll bring in a towel that was the last thing she made for me. I had it, I knew where it was, up until the last … well I think when we moved to this property in 2007. She used to make things for me all the time, mostly clothing. We had to downsize a lot so I’m not sure if I let it go then or not. You said no wonder marijuana is a triggering thing for me. I didn’t do anything bad here for her to leave me. Pot is bad, that was the message I imprinted in my head about the entire event.

My alarm went off and I said out of time. You said that there was still time to write the prescription. I paused, and probably did some non-verbal queue because you paused to go do the prescription and you came back to me. I didn’t go back and finish the story of that summer, instead I had something else I really wanted to talk about. I looked for the section in my notes. I said something about being nervous/uncomfortable about this topic. I told you about trying to reach the little boy and looking at the books at goodwill. I reminded you how I first responded to the books about mommy always loving the child was full of anger, then it shifting to believing those books just lie. I said that I didn’t have this response this time. I read to you the journal entry about always loving mommy and asked you if it is ok if a part of me always loves a part of you as mommy. You said yes, so softly. It was a yes. You repeated that yes, it was ok. I felt so overwhelmed. I said thank you. I was flooded with relief, couldn’t really think. I think you asked me how I felt, I said that I was glad that it was a yes. I tried to take deep breaths but it was just wow. And I felt loved, so loved. I asked if you’d be ok if it went away. You said you would. I said I didn’t want it to go away. You said that you believe that love never goes away (changes yes). That love is stronger than pain (I think you said this). I talked about it being so slow of a process. You said yes, the slowest and painful procedure, without anesthesia. I was still fumbling, you were ready for me to say I love you… I was still lost in feelings and physical sensations. You said that you’d get that prescription written and got up and went to your desk. You wrote the prescription and showed me about the coupon place, that I promptly forgot the actual name of it. I wasn’t tracking that well. You came back and sat down. I said I love you, you said I know. I said thank you. I said stuff about Thursday. You reminded me that it would be Thursday morning, so not as long to wait.

Somewhere in here we talked about the email on Sunday. You went to make a comment about your line “And … I know!”. I told you about me missing that line the first time I read it and my thought process around it. I said how I thought hmm odd she didn’t respond to it after I asked, that is not like her, maybe she misunderstood what I wanted, she wouldn’t not respond to it just because. I told you that I went and reread my email and how I thought, yeah I was pretty clear what I wanted. Then I went and reread your response and I saw the line. I told you how it made me smile, shy/bashful. I said, how’s that for trust? It seemed like you had a positive response to it.

Today was my last session with T. She is leaving her practice.
I didn't know what I wanted to say or do going into the session. I have been quite triggered and distressed leading up to this session and have found it hard to calm myself down the last few days. But once there I was a bit more detached and /or calmer and resigned.
We had to fill out assessment forms. I was annoyed that they had to take up some of my last minutes with T. But didn't know what else to say or do anyway. They were annoying reviews for insurance to assess progress with goals. I didn't even remember what goals I had set let alone made progress on them. So much for that.
I knew I wanted to thank her for some things, so I did that. I do appreciate T. I am grateful she has been there for me and put up with me. I know I am not an easy client.
I don't really remember what we talked about. Maybe just chit chat. Maybe just saying goodbye kind of stuff. I don't remember much.
I looked up at the clock and it was 15 minutes over time. I said Oh, its time to leave. She asked are you feeling ready to go? I said no. We laughed.
When we got to the door she didn't open it for me to leave as she normally does. She said how do you want to do this? Do you want to shake my hand, do you want a hug, what would you like to do?
I wanted/didn't want a hug. After a little bit of switching we agreed to a hug. We hugged. We left.
I will miss T. I trusted her. Her room was our safe place. If there was any choice about this we would have stayed with her. But there isn't.
Next week we start seeing new T regularly. I hope we can build an alliance with her. I don't know if we will be able to or not.

Goodbye T.

Elio, how do you remember your sessions so vividly? Do you record them?

No, I don't record them. I end up spending hours typing up the one hour of session. I leave session and most the time I walk for about an hour after session with just me and my mind/thoughts. I try to type up as much as I can as soon as I get home. I start by typing up how I get to session, what my thoughts were as I was going to session, what it was like to enter the building, getting to the waiting room... I try to really put myself back in that space. And well... T never says how accurate my session notes are, so ... who knows, maybe I'm way off base with things. I don't use quotes because I'm not sure if what I say in the write ups is exactly what was said in session. What I write up is what I have internalized as the session. I don't try to make it be perfect.

Sometimes I don't remember as much as other times and I start with an outline of the big topics. Sometimes it's easier to remember because we are working off my journal or I go in with a listed agenda and work off that.

There were times early on in therapy where I dissociated much more and would loss big chunks of session time. That was before I was posting them here. My session notes were still long because I would write up what I was experiencing at the time.

Oh, and I do think writing them to her (to T) makes a difference; not sure though.