[Sarmas]

I was just thinking. When we begin the therpeutic relationship most Ts set boundaries and have rules with what's acceptable and what isn't. Sometimes there's no clear cut line and its hard to decipher if we've crossed that line or not. We as clients then worry and get upset about these boundaries and rules set in place. For whatever reason it's in place the therpeutic relationship now becomes so much more complicated for some clients.

Here is the client going to therapy for whatever reason they want to address but now it becomes complicated when he or she finds out of all of the boundaries.

What if the client went started the beginning of the relationship creating boundaries and setting rules for T. How would that play out. Would it be feasible? Isn't therapy about the client and isn't the client paying for the service?

[atisketatasket]

DBC did not like that when I tried it. That was more ongoing rule-setting than just at first, though.

The others, I think, would all have been amenable to some degree. It will depend on the therapist's confidence in themselves and how much ego they have.

[Sarmas]

Originally Posted by atisketatasket

DBC did not like that when I tried it. That was more ongoing rule-setting than just at first, though.

The others, I think, would all have been amenable to some degree. It will depend on the therapist's confidence in themselves and how much ego they have.

I agree. Every therapist is different.

Good idea! I'd like to try it if I ever change Ts someday.

-i will not discuss hospitalization with you in any way, shape, or form upon my disclosure of sui thoughts. I will not accept such attempts by you to disregard my autonomy.

-if you text or use the phone during my session, I will subtract the cost of time used for your personal calls from the session fee

-if you do not give me 24 hours notice when cancelling, then I do not pay the fee for the subsequent session. I value your time and expect you to value mine.

-if you are more than 10 minutes late for session, I reserve the right to leave, and you will forfeit your fee

How about that?

[annielovesbacon]

I can't speak for all therapists but I'm sure mine would be amenable to my own rules, as long as they were reasonable, of course. We haven't discussed rules either way (although I'm sure she'd tell me if I crossed a boundary) so I'm just speculating here. If I did make some rules, I'd probably ask that she not touch me without asking, not talk to my psychiatrist without letting me know (even if she tells me afterward that's fine), and not check her phone during session.

(FYI my T doesn't do those things! But if I were to make rules for any therapist those are the first ones I can think of.)

[ScarletPimpernel]

I have some rules with my T. They're more about words she's not allowed to say. We also have an understanding that if I say "Can we not talk about this anymore?" or something similar, then she stops the conversation immediately. She is expected to tell me if there's ever a time that I won't be able to contact her (i.e. she won't have cell service). A lot of things that might be "rules", like cell phone on silent when in session, she already does. My T is respectful of my time with her.

[Amyjay]

We haven't discussed boundaries in my therapy either but I think my therapist would be open to me setting boundaries and limits.

[feileacan]

Originally Posted by Blanche_

Good idea! I'd like to try it if I ever change Ts someday.

-i will not discuss hospitalization with you in any way, shape, or form upon my disclosure of sui thoughts. I will not accept such attempts by you to disregard my autonomy.

-if you text or use the phone during my session, I will subtract the cost of time used for your personal calls from the session fee

-if you do not give me 24 hours notice when cancelling, then I do not pay the fee for the subsequent session. I value your time and expect you to value mine.

-if you are more than 10 minutes late for session, I reserve the right to leave, and you will forfeit your fee

How about that?

I don't know about the first thing you brought out because a discussion about hospitalization because of sui sounds to me reasonable in general (although it's maybe because I don't have personal experiences with it).

However, the other things you brought out to me just indicate a bad therapist and I would recommend just firing this therapist instead of attempting to set any boundaries. I think these other things are something one should be able to assume already in place in a therapeutic relationship.

[Elio]

I told my t not to talk about a specific dream ever again and not to talk about talking about it. That it was off limits. She is frequently respectful of me saying I don't want to talk about something.

Now that she is going into private practice there might be some things to discuss around late cancellations and maybe something in place in case of her death.

*I was thinking of recent complaints here when I made that list. I don't see therapist who have those behaviors. But I like the idea overall.

I'll have to think if I even have any with this

I've set a boundary with my T - no addressing me by my diminutive nickname, even if we're working with "vulnerable child mode" in schema therapy.

To her credit, she asked first instead of straight up using that nickname I loathe.

[here today]

The notion of "boundaries" is a relative newcomer to the therapist-client relationship, in my 50 year experience as a client/patient.

I think it has to do with the notion of "ego boundaries", which some of us clients don't have very well. Either too amorphous or too rigid or something. A poor or false sense of self. So the idea, I think, is that the therapist will model what having "good boundaries" is like. Also the therapist needs them to take care of himself/herself.

I see absolutely no reason why a client shouldn't/couldn't establish their own "boundaries", either at the beginning of therapy or part way through if they begin to get a sense of themself and their "authentic" ego. I expect, but don't know because I don't have any, that "healthy" relationships involve some knowledge as well as give and take about the boundaries around the people in the relationship. So it could definitely be to the client's advantage to get practice with that in therapy.

If the therapist doesn't agree, then that's a pretty good sign. . .or red flag.

[Sarmas]

Originally Posted by Blanche_

Good idea! I'd like to try it if I ever change Ts someday.

-i will not discuss hospitalization with you in any way, shape, or form upon my disclosure of sui thoughts. I will not accept such attempts by you to disregard my autonomy.

-if you text or use the phone during my session, I will subtract the cost of time used for your personal calls from the session fee

-if you do not give me 24 hours notice when cancelling, then I do not pay the fee for the subsequent session. I value your time and expect you to value mine.

-if you are more than 10 minutes late for session, I reserve the right to leave, and you will forfeit your fee

How about that?

I think you're onto something there. They get away with doing whatever they want because there are no rules for them in place. If they were at risk of getting paid then I bet they would minimize last minute cancellations and lateness.

[nottrustin]

T and I never really discussed rules one way or the other. As we have gone along things have come up where we agreed on things like if she is discussing something I don't feel like discussing, we will change the subject.

[1stepatatime]

[QUOTE=Blanche_;5712590]Good idea! I'd like to try it if I ever change Ts someday.

-i will not discuss hospitalization with you in any way, shape, or form upon my disclosure of sui thoughts. I will not accept such attempts by you to disregard my autonomy.

-if you text or use the phone during my session, I will subtract the cost of time used for your personal calls from the session fee

-if you do not give me 24 hours notice when cancelling, then I do not pay the fee for the subsequent session. I value your time and expect you to value mine.

-if you are more than 10 minutes late for session, I reserve the right to leave, and you will forfeit your fee

How about that?[/QUOTE

I say ...thumbs up! 👍

[luvnola]

There are boundaries in every relationship I've been in and it always goes both ways. My ts have always respected my boundaries. They ask before they touch me. If one brings up a subject I don't want to discuss, I tell them so and it's dropped (unless it has to do with my or someone else's safety). I had a t who was very late (almost 20 minutes) for a session, so I left and of course I didn't pay. Maybe I've been lucky. And too, if a therapist isn't a good fit or I can't put up with their stuff (I had a t who was chronically late but thought it was okay bc she'd always give me my amount of time by running into the next persons session!) I leave and find someone else. Some of the things mentioned in your example (and i know it was just an example) are things I would leave a t over. (like the phone or chronically late) Cancelling without 24 hours notice wouldn't bother me unless it was often, and again, I'd find a new t if it happened often. I'd expect a t to cancel with short notice only when she has an emergency. I can do the same and not be charged.

So I do think it's feasible to go in and state your own boundaries, and, unless they were completely outrageous, I don't see why a t wouldn't respect them. And if a t said they couldn't, then you could move on and find another.

[satsuma]

One time I was so fed up with my T sending my invoice late, I told him that I was going to charge him a certain amount per day for every day the invoice was late. When it arrived late, again, I wrote out another invoice showing the amount I owed, less the amount I was charging. That was what I paid T.

But after a little while I felt guilty and paid the full amount! But after that the next invoice arrived on time!

[BudFox]

What if the client went started the beginning of the relationship creating boundaries and setting rules for T. How would that play out. Would it be feasible? Isn't therapy about the client and isn't the client paying for the service?

In my experience therapy is mainly about the therapist.

In theory the client can set boundaries, ask questions, influence the process... but only so far as it will not threaten the basic hierarchy (in most of what I read or have experienced).

I find most discussion of this paternalistic and condescending. All of the focus is on the therapist's "professional" boundaries. The idea of client boundaries seems an afterthought. Clients are often regarded as children and if they do assert "boundaries" I think some/many therapists would see them as symbolic or make-believe (like a child making pretend calls on a play telephone), and subordinate to the therapist's "adult" boundaries.

[AllHeart]

My new t so far has healthy, good, respectable boundaries so I can't really think of boundaries I need to set with this one. We are both grown adults and treat each other as such. I know her role is therapist and she fills it honorably.

Healthy boundaries in any relationship are a two-way street. Boundaries haven't really been even a topic of discussion in my therapy because I'm pretty good at reading my therapist's boundaries, and my therapists have been pretty good at reading mine; thus, we just seem to fall pretty comfortably into respectful mutual boundaries from the beginning.

Every individual needs healthy boundaries; my therapists helped me work on specific relationship situations where my boundaries might not have been working as healthily. I would assume if my boundaries weren't clear in therapy, they would have worked with me to clarify my own boundaries since they would want me to have those in place.