[rainbow8]

I apologize for not replying much in either of my threads, and here I am, again. I should lie down because I have a headache, but it's either email T right now, or start another thread.

Nothing is wrong but I just feel sad about my life. Also tired because I keep going to bed way too late, and getting up way too early. I wish I had a partner, someone to love and to be loved back. I like my independence, though. I told T I'm overwhelmed, and she said she understands, because I have to do everything myself. Mostly I feel wiped out now.

It could be because of something I did in the session. I can't give details because they would be identifying, sort of. But we talked about how I have to feel good about how I look, that it should not matter what T thinks. I told her that I shouldn't have to feel that people like or don't like me because of my appearance, because I don't think it's true. But I feel that way anyway. I'm not grossly overweight, just 25 to 30 lbs. T wants to know if I have a health reason to lose the weight. Being skinny, she doesn't understand how hard it is for me. I'm not that motivated, and I feel self-conscious with T more than others but, yes, it would be nice except that I like to eat. Diets don't work.

It's not about the weight anyway. It's about everything. T says I dissociate when I don't pay attention to her. She says it's easy to notice, and I do it less than I used to. She says I "go away." I don't want to do that, so I tried to look at her and stay focused the whole session.

I told her I never want to separate from her, and she asked if a part thought maybe I "should" leave at some point. I said "yes" but no parts want to quit seeing her. I don't know why I ever have to leave. As I get older, unless I marry again, I'll need more help coping with growing old, not less.

Sorry for this depressing post. I'm going to lie down now.

[rainbow8]

I think I'll email T after all.
No, I have to try to sit with my feelings and not contact her tonight. Tomorrow I have a medical test and I told her I'd probably email after that. I can wait, right? T isn't my answer, but who is? I don't think he or she exists.
Thanks for the hugs!

[DodgersMom]

i am sorry you are feeling down, that is tough and hope you got some rest. i struggle myself with fighting the urge to email. its hard sometimes.

i hope you are doing ok but feel free to message me if you ever need to chat. willing to listen

hugs and good luck with your test tomorrow

[ScarletPimpernel]

No one but yourself is the answer, unfortunately.

[Waterbear]

Hi Rainbow. I can hear your sadness. It sounds like you are realising a lot, and that the truth is a hard one to realise. It is a hard one to realise, that what we so desperately crave, does not exist. That may be different for different people, but for me, this is true and it hurts.

I am not sure that you know exactly what it is that you search for, but it sounds similar to what I search for. A deep connection. Someone who knows you inside out, is there for you all of the time, has your best interests at heart, includes you in everything that they do etc etc.

This may be way off base, and ignore it if it is.

I think that Scarlet is right, unfortunately. We are the answer. We are all that we have, and that realisation is an incredibly difficult one.

I hope you can find some peace, because I think that good things come to those who are. I am thinking of you.

[satsuma]

I think sleep is a very very important thing. It's so hard to cope without enough sleep.
I hope you can get more sleep. If you're not able to, perhaps this is an issue to take to T or to your GP?

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by DodgersMom

i am sorry you are feeling down, that is tough and hope you got some rest. i struggle myself with fighting the urge to email. its hard sometimes.

i hope you are doing ok but feel free to message me if you ever need to chat. willing to listen

hugs and good luck with your test tomorrow

Thank you. I managed not to email, and I still haven't but the urge is still there. She doesn't mind but it's for my own good to try to settle myself. I had an EMG. It wasn't as bad as I thought even though they give you short electric shocks and put needles in your body! Actually, having my teeth cleaned at the dentist was worse!

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

No one but yourself is the answer, unfortunately.

Yes, you're right. I don't know why it's taken me so many years to learn that fact. Probably because I've never lived by myself until the last 2 years.

Originally Posted by Waterbear

Hi Rainbow. I can hear your sadness. It sounds like you are realising a lot, and that the truth is a hard one to realise. It is a hard one to realise, that what we so desperately crave, does not exist. That may be different for different people, but for me, this is true and it hurts.

I am not sure that you know exactly what it is that you search for, but it sounds similar to what I search for. A deep connection. Someone who knows you inside out, is there for you all of the time, has your best interests at heart, includes you in everything that they do etc etc.

This may be way off base, and ignore it if it is.

I think that Scarlet is right, unfortunately. We are the answer. We are all that we have, and that realisation is an incredibly difficult one.

I hope you can find some peace, because I think that good things come to those who are. I am thinking of you.

Waterbear, you are exactly correct and not off base at all. A deep connection is something I especially crave because I didn't have that with my H. I have gradually learned I can have it with friends, but my T is the person I've felt the deepest connection to. I don't know if a partner can fulfill all of those needs. I don't think so. My mother gave me some of that, but not even she included me in everything she did, obviously. I'm searching for the "impossible dream". It's so naïve to think that a T can be that person, and intellectually I knew that all the time, but the reality still hurts, over and over. Thank you for your good wishes for me. I wish the same for you.

Originally Posted by satsuma

I think sleep is a very very important thing. It's so hard to cope without enough sleep.
I hope you can get more sleep. If you're not able to, perhaps this is an issue to take to T or to your GP?

Thank you. I do feel better when I get at least 7 hours of sleep a night. It's my own fault because I stay up until midnight and wake up early. My T told me about a great app, Insight Timer, that has wonderful meditations. I've been trying them to help me fall asleep.